Decidedly out of place

This Thanksgiving trip has been what I thought it would be. Pretty much exactly. It's been fun enough, it's been relaxing. The talk about wine and drinking wine, and the taste of wine and how wine is made and whether it's dry wine - that bothered me only a little, much less than I expected. It turned out to be pretty much a non-issue - the reason being that no one cares about it as much as I do - though that doesn't mean that I shouldn't go to a meeting. I haven't been to a meeting in a month. Yikes.

My AA anniversary is in 16 days. That has nothing to do with this post. Just saying, that day that is more important than my birthday - it's coming up. (It is also the anniversary of when I finished cancer treatment, but I was actually trying to forget that). Is that why I feel weird? People always say that it is normal to "get weird" around your anniversary. I don't know, this time around it sort of feels like just another day, just another year. It means nothing to anyone but me and why do I feel like crying? It is unrelated to my anniversary I think.

I am upstairs trying my hardest not to cry because at some point I need to go back downstairs. The thing that I feel that I can't put into words is simply a feeling of being in the wrong place with the wrong people. I feel out of place and like I don't belong. This is my family and I am acutely aware that I don't belong here. I don't have enough in common with these people. And my brother has his own family, their own rituals and traditions. I feel like I impose on them more than I should and they have always made me feel welcome but that doesn't make me feel like I belong.

Everyone is coupled and all I can think about are the ways my life didn't turn out the way I had planned and the things that I think have ruined it and the things that I have to live with that other people can't understand. Of course they never do - things never turn out the way you plan, but no one tells you that in time. No one bothers to tell you and it's just another thing you become painfully aware of. If I had known all along that it was all about adjusting your expectations, I might not have had any.

This was bound to catch up with me. I felt it coming last night.

I know, 95% of my posts are depressing. Sorry about that. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to start over.

At 4:30 am

When we were kids we used to go up north a few times a year to the cabin we had in the Upper Peninsula. This always involved getting up at 3:30 or 4:30 in the morning to head out so that we could beat the traffic or something. It was a 7 hour drive and for some reason we had to get up at an ungodly time in order to get there early. Why? Good question. The process of packing the car was always an undertaking, rarely simple and if I remember correctly, always involved a test packing. Meaning that the day before everything would be put in the car to make sure it would fit and then would be taken back out. Maybe this is why I always test pack my suitcase before I take a trip.

Anyway, my parents used to pack all the clothes and blankets and things in large garbage bags. These bags would be stuffed down in between the front and back seats and then a sleeping bag would be laid over the top so we could lay down and curl up and sleep. The space in the middle, that little middle seat - that was called no man's land and we put our stuff there, walkmen and whatever we had. Funny that we used to ride around this way and never wear seat belts, while my parents chained smoked with the window barely cracked. How things have changed.

I'm not usually one to have fond memories of my childhood. In fact it down right sucked which you might have gathered if you've been reading this for a while, or maybe I haven't written enough about it for you tell - but trust me it sucked. Rarely can I come up with happy memories. But I do have some happy memories of going up north and hanging out with my cousin Jodie. We used to rake leaf houses and pretend that we lived in them. We had a club, I can't remember what it was called. We talked about ghosts and Ouija boards, and whether or not our cousin could have been our uncle reincarnated. We made up stories about Mr. Sander-Pooper who lived in the scary green shack. I went fishing with my dad and probably nearly every time we rowed across the lake, I had to pee. We would go berry picking with my dad and it would take hours upon hours.

It takes a lot of effort for me to come up with happy memories. I just don't have that many of them and I really have to think about it to come up with them. But for all that went wrong in my childhood, I don't blame my father. I think he meant well and that he was basically clueless actually. I think he didn't know what to do - so he just didn't do anything.

So anyway, those are the things I've been thinking about since I've been up here, happier things. My brother probably remembers the whole thing differently. In fact sometimes we tell stories and you might wonder whether we didn't grow up in different houses. It's funny the way memories are like that.

Road trip

So I am here on night one of a family trip up to Traverse City Michigan for the Thanksgiving holiday. Right there you should know that bad things are about to happen. Family and trip.... Anyway, 12 of us from my dad's side of the family, including my dad are here. And no, nothing bad has happened, just saying, these two words don't necessarily go together. To be honest, all I really want is for my meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. That's all I really want. I just want to go to sleep. I've nearly resigned myself to this meds taking thing. Nearly. It's not that this trip won't be fun, it's just that, to be honest, I have mixed feelings about being here. We did this four years ago and we had fun. But the circumstances are different.

Four years ago I drank. And it wasn't that I drank excessively on that trip (or ever really for that matter), it's just that it was a non-issue. It might be a non-issue this time, but it might be an issue. I don't know yet. I can say that I haven't been to a meeting in three and a half weeks. Gasp. I know I know, I need to go. I just haven't felt like it and once you break your routine of going, it's hard to get it going again. And the reason I haven't been posting - I haven't felt like doing that either. Mostly because I just don't have much to say.

Anyway, yesterday I drove from Chicago home to Michigan. Today we drove to Traverse City. Three cars, caravanning (I don't think that is a word). I am in the middle trying to follow my brother and not lose my dad. My brother drives fast, my dad incredibly slow and I'm stuck in the middle with one eye on each of them. At one point I lost my brother completely (what did we ever do before cellphones) but eventually we all got back together and made it here.

We rented a house for the weekend. The house is nice. I'll post pictures when I get back home. There will be game playing, lots of food, more game playing. It should be fun. I'm leery of the drinking and was obsessed with having the Internet while here. Because no, I can't disconnect from you dear Internet for 4 days. In fact, I was so obsessed with having Internet that I was prepared to buy a new computer if that is what it took to have it. It didn't - instead I procured a Sprint Internet card - that I can return cause I have 30 days - which didn't work on either of my computers, but I convinced my work to override the security and load it for me.

So, here we find ourselves. The other part of the reason I haven't been blogging is that I really feel I need to start over. I need a new blog. I started this blog when I had breast cancer and when AA was more the center of my life. Neither of those things are true but this blog is tainted by them. Or so it seems. Anyway, we will see what tomorrow brings.

I will post again soon

I promise.

Almost intolerable

My anxiety level has become almost intolerable. I say almost because I am still sitting here, tolerating it, but I very nearly can't take it anymore. My anxiety level has been out of whack for the past few weeks. Before I felt relatively anxiety-free - now, it's through the roof. It's a 15 out of 10. I am physically feeling it which I don't always when I have anxiety. It feels like it is making me physically sick. It's not the OCD kind of anxiety. I didn't even unplug the lamps (I am going out of town today). It's something else. Like an impending sense of doom or something of the sort. Like something bad is going to happen and I don't know what. And to make matters worse, I have to get on a plane today. Now I don't have a huge fear of flying in general, but today, it is making me anxious. I feel so anxious I feel sick. I don't know what to do - I can't figure out what is causing it.

I hate it when they do that

You know how you write the grocery list in the order of the store (at least that's what I do) cause it makes it so much faster to shop? I like to be in and out, real quick, no hassle, and I only like to go during the times of the day when other people aren't there (i.e., before 9 a.m.).

Well, apparently I haven't been to the grocery store in a while and they reorganized the whole entire thing. I couldn't find anything.

They did get these cute little half sized cart things that I quite like a lot though so that makes up for it. Mainly I like the half carts cause they are cute - but what a great idea. They take up less space so they can have more carts.