A six dollar and twenty-three cent a day habit

I hate Starbucks. I really do. I can't stand their coffee. The only way I can drink it is if it's a latte so that the coffee is really diluted.

I've formed a bad habit. Every day around 2 or 2:30, my secretary and I go to Starbucks. I get a grande decaf skinny vanilla latte iced and three vanilla bean scones. All adding up to $6.23. Actually, I take Fridays off because my secretary is out that day. So I am spending about $100 a month to drink coffee, which I don't even like that much, from a place I can't really stand. It has to stop.

As things turned out

I didn't end up having to work after all and I had quite a nice day. I got my haircut (all that hair was supposedly growing back, I cut it off again. I've never been able to grow it all the way back since having it all fall out). I did do twenty minutes of work today but that doesn't really count as messing up my weekend. So I cut my hair, had lunch with a friend, then dinner with another friend. And that's about it.

Of course I did

Remember how after my time off I said Iwas no longer working on holidays or days off? The way this always worked was that I would inform the partner that I was taking a Friday off. Which of course he had no problem with - why would he? He didn't know why I was taking the day off, none of his business really so he would never question it. And then I would feel so guilty about taking the day off that I would offer to work remotely from wherever I was (Michigan usually) and of course the partner isn't going to say no to that. Cause he would likely rather have me working than not working. And every time I felt annoyed and mad at myself for giving in. Giving in to what exactly? It's not like he was pressuring me. I feel like people need days off. People need breaks, real breaks, real actual days off.

A couple of times it worked out that I didn't end up working on a day off. Maybe a few. But this time I repeated my old pattern of asking, feeling guilty and offering to give up my day off. Of course I did.

Except this time I am going to try to pretend I am working while actually not. It's one of those times that I don't mind being chained to my blackberry. If that's what it takes to get a day off, then whatever, I'll keep my eye on the damn thing.

Whatever you are doing today, working or something else - have a great day!

The bright orange spot in the rear view mirror

My drive to Michigan was relatively uneventful. Even the hour I spent parked on the expressway while an accident was cleaned up. That didn't phase me for some reason or even annoy me all that much. I just hope that whatever happened, the people are okay. And part of the way home I got to watch the sun set in the rear view mirror. And it was really kind of beautiful.

Home again

I am headed to Michigan today. It is with much trepidation that I am going. It's been two months since I was there, so it's about time for a visit, considering I won't otherwise be able to go until mid June. Going "home" always causes me great anxiety, for a number of reasons. So far it is minimal and stems mostly from the fact that I don't really feel like making the 4 hour drive. I think taking medication, even though it isn't anti-anxiety medication, is helping with my anxiety level. I didn't unplug anything before I left, in fact I didn't feel worried about much at all (in case you don't know, I unplug things before I go out of town, like lamps and such - it's OCD).

But then I feel the anxiety of feeling like I am intruding on my brother and his family's space. And then there is the anxiety of seeing my mother. I'm not sure I've gone there before. I think I've said very little here about that relationship - and I need to keep it that way just for now. And then there is the anxiety of going back to old meetings and seeing people. And the anxiety of trying to find time to see everyone. This time I have made minimal plans, a haircut, dinner and babysitting.

Some how I always return from Michigan messed up in some way. Usually it is depression, I have some kind of low, sometimes bad, sometimes not so bad. I don't think it's the depression of wishing I still lived there, because although I sometimes feel a kind of homesickness, I really don't want to move back there. At this point I think it would be bad for me probably. My primary reason for going is to see my brother's family and to play with my nephew. But I can't really imagine living there again. Although 3 years later, I can't say I feel all that at home here in Chicago either.

It's been three years exactly that I've been at my current job. Three years that have flown by in which I was diagnosed and survived cancer, among other things. Despite the time that I took off and all of the things that I did for myself during that time, I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it happened at all. And if I allow myself to think about it for even a split second, tears come to my eyes. So I maintain an emotional distance from what happened in a way that most people can't really understand.

You would think after three years I would feel at home here. You would think I would feel comfortable at AA meetings and that I would have friends here. But I don't really, not close ones. And I don't feel comfortable sharing at meetings. I know, the reason is not a good one, it is because I am worried about what people will think, but still, it is preventing me from getting out the things I need to get out. I haven't been posting much either.

Anyway, I am running out the door - no time to proof read. I'll catch you when I get there.

I need to stop wearing ugly shoes to work

I wear shoes to work nearly every day that don't match my outfit. Why? Because they are comfortable. They are probably really not even at all appropriate except on a Friday when we can wear nearly anything and get away with it. I can't find both cute and comfortable shoes that stay on my feet. Half of my shoes slip at the heels and the rest are ugly. I think it is because my feet are sort of in between a size. They aren't quite the right size for any shoe - too small for a half size (which they don't make anyway because my feet are too big) and just a little too small for the next size up. I've tried the little things that you put in the heels to keep shoes from slipping and they don't work, and I've tried the other little things that you put in your shoes at the ball of your foot to make them more comfortable (and slightly tighter) and it doesn't work. I don't know what to do about this shoe dilemma. The only shoes that I can get to stay on my feet properly are sling backs. Regular heels, not so much. Well, flip flops are always an option, and my usual choice in the summer. So every day I wear the same ugly, not dressy, shoes to work. And all day long I tell myself that I am still wearing them because I just haven't gotten around to changing them yet. And I figure if anyone asks why I am wearing such ugly shoes (which I can't imagine anyone ever would), I will them that it's because my feet hurt from cramming them into rock climbing shoes.

Anyway, I don't know what else to try to keep my shoes on my feet.

What I do on a Friday night

Sometimes a little boring isn't such a bad thing.  Tonight I went rock climbing, like I do every Friday night these days.  For some reason tonight I just didn't have it in me to climb over and over again like I usually do.  I usually give it about 4 goes and this time I just felt exhausted immediately.  Anyway, I took a good fall off the wall from oh I don't know 3 stories high - obviously you don't fall very far when you fall, but still.  It happened almost so fast and so unexpectedly that I didn't have time to wonder whether the rope was going to work.  Anyway, I spun half way around and smacked my back into the wall.  I didn't have time to twist myself around so I could catch the wall with my hand.  So, that fall was a good thing I guess because I'm no longer afraid of slipping off the wall.  That means I can try more things because if you fall, oh well.  Except for the part where I am already sore from the impact.

Then I came home and saw a spot on the carpet in the bedroom.  So I ran around the house with the carpet cleaner and paper towel cleaning spots of the carpet.

And now I am going to take meds and go to bed.

That's my Friday night.  Fun.

The ax finally falls

It was a weird week at work. The ax fell so to speak. On Tuesday, but there had been rumors for weeks. All of them wrong of course. Rumors about how many and when, whose pay would be cut and why. I try not to say bad things about my job or place of employment, but in my opinion, it was poorly handled. For the attorneys it was one thing. They sort of slipped in and out of peoples' offices unnoticed. No one knows which attorneys were let go. For the staff, they told them to get their coat and purse and marched them to do the door crying in front of everyone without letting them say goodbye, and were told their desk would be packed up and sent to them. I thought it was pretty horrible.

My secretary was smart I guess, she packed her belongings weeks ago. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I was glad she called me later that day. She sounded okay.

My firm is late in the game on this one. A lot of firms have already let people go, some in large numbers, some of them twice. I hope my firm got it right this one time so that we don't have to go through this again. I am grateful to have the job that I have, and that I was unaffected on Tuesday.

Things are intact and I'm doing generally okay - just not posting very often. Still climbing and still loving it. It's still my new favorite thing. So much so that I bought my own climbing shoes.

See you all later. I'll try to post more often.