On the last day of the billable year

I feel like I should celebrate or something.  I can't figure out how though.  Now if I could drink, that would be a good way to celebrate.  But obviously that isn't an option.  Do I really have anything to celebrate anyway?  I mean, I didn't hit 2000 hours.  I guess it's just that the pressure is off.  After 4 months of trying to hit 200 hours a month every month, it's finally over.  I didn't quite make it.  But honestly, I didn't try that hard.  I tried in January and February because I knew I could do it.  I stopped trying in March and April when I realized I wasn't quite going to make it.  Shit happens, you make choices, and I went to Michigan when my grandmother first got sick and I went to Vermont at the beginning of April.  Right there are my 55 hours that I came up short.  I don't really feel one way or another about it.  I don't care that I didn't hit 2000.  I could have done it if I had really really really wanted to.  The hours were probably there, I just didn't want them.  I couldn't see myself putting in 12 hour days and 10 hours on a Saturday just to get there.  It doesn't matter that much to me.  I am kind of over caring at this point.  They can give me a bonus or not, give me a raise or not - all things dependent on hours.  Whatever.  At least I have profitability going for me.  I am always the most profitable associate in my group.  But that's not because of me, that's because I do big projects for big clients who pay the bills.

Anyway, whatever, it's over.  It's a new kind of pressure now, a different kind.  The kind of pressure where you know you need to front load your hours into the beginning of the year so that you aren't trying to cram them in at the end like I was this year.  It wasn't my fault though.  We were just slow the first 6 months of this past billable year.  Anyway, the ideal way is to be about 150 hours ahead at Christmas time.  Then you can basically coast through the holiday and straight through the end of the billable year with no stress about hours.  Plenty of extra ones to lose.

So whatever.  It's over.  Tomorrow, we start again.

In 3 days, and for 600 dollars

There are all these little sayings in AA.  "Fake it 'til you make it."  I hate that one.  Fake what exactly?  Isn't pretending how we got here in the first place?  And if you can fake it, then why can't you do it?  Anyway, one of the steps talks about restraint of pen and tongue.  Acting, not reacting.  I can't remember which step - bad me - I haven't read the Big Book in a while.  Anyway, someone said to me, that sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to just do nothing.  That's been in my head since I heard it.  And it's true I think.  The hardest thing to do is nothing when you want to do everything.  Anyway, I am off track in think.

I've been thinking about the comment on my last post and the guy at the spa.  The guy who is going to, in three days, and for 600 dollars, change my life (yes, I have al my eggs in this one basket).

I got to spend a little time with him the last time I was at the spa last June.  And ever since then I have felt this pull to go back there and be a part of the "experience" that he offers 4 times a year.  I feel drawn to doing this.  I have ever since I met him.  I have known for the past year that this is something that I have to do.  I have to do it.  I didn't want to wait this long but I couldn't work it out work wise to go any sooner.

Anyway, I remember talking to him about where our behavior comes from, why we do what we do.  And it's obvious right.  And while we were talking about how our actions are often not even based in reality because what we think and what we feel isn't always real, we talked also about how we try and then we try harder.  And we keep trying the same thing and getting the same result.  Which is another AA thing.  He is sober also, has been for like 30 years or something.  So I get what he is talking about in a different way I think.  So we talk in AA about trying the same thing and getting the same result.  The answer of course, is that if you try something, and it doesn't work, then you something else.  Duh, right.  Not for most people.  Most people just keep trying.

 So all of this time that I have been trying and trying and trying, I am starting to think I have been doing the wrong thing all along and that the answer might be to not try at all, but to simply give up.

I am out of ideas

People in AA always say that expectations breed resentment, or some other way of saying the same thing.  And that's true.  They definitely do.  My expectations of other people are usually where I run into trouble.  I am playing a game with everyone, and nobody can win, because no one knows the rules.  I don't tell people what I want or need, but I definitely have expectations.  And when they aren't met, I find myself feeling really hurt.  Not angry or anything.  Just hurt.  Like my feelings are hurt when people don't meet my expectations.  But like I said, it's a game you can't win, no matter what you do.  And it's really not fair to you.

Expectations can also lead to major disappointment.  For me I guess that hurt feeling of disappointment is coupled with the feeling of the person not caring about me.  I have to keep my expectations in check, otherwise I get hurt even if the person isn't trying to hurt me.  Sometimes I feel hurt anyway, even when I know it's me and it's not them.

I booked my spa trip.  I haven't exactly completely settled on the dates, but I booked a block of days surrounding the time I need to be there.  I say need because there is a particular "experience" that I am going there for and it is only offered once every three months on specific days.  I thought I wouldn't have any expectations about this trip.  I had hoped not to have any because it seemed like that was the way that I got the most out of it the first time.  I had no idea what to expect and it was eye opening in ways I couldn't have imagined.  I learned so much about myself even if I haven't been able to make all the changes that I vowed to make when I left.

Anyway, I am starting to have these expectations that this experience that I am going to the spa for is going to change me.  That I am going to go and come back someone else.  That I am going to simply wake up different.  Expectations aside, honestly, that is really what I am hoping for.  Is it possible though?  I don't know.  Is it possible to become someone else in three days?  People have told me that this experience is life altering.  I don't doubt that it is for some people, but will that be my experience?  I feel like if it isn't, I am going to be really disappointed.  I might be setting myself up for disappointment and failure, but there are things in my life that really need to change.  Things that I need to be different.  There are ways that I need to change as a person.  Things that I need to get over, old things.  I have tried things to "fix it."  I have tried moving.  I have tried different jobs.  I have tried AA.  I have tried praying to a higher power,  I have tried medications.  I have tried therapists, 4 different times I think (4 different therapists).  I have even tried pretending.

I am out of ideas.  I am pinning my hopes on this.

Baby Blues

I guess my older nephew (almost 4), pictured in the bottom picture, lobbied pretty hard to name the new baby Blue's Clues after the TV show.  His parents of course game him a real name (Maddox), although Blues seems to have stuck.  On more than one occasion I heard my brother refer to him as "Blue."

I am not a Kleenex

So I am out here in Vermont visiting my brother, my sister-in-law, my two nephews (one almost 4 the other one born in February), and my one of my sister-in-laws's sisters.  My older nephew is so funny.  The things that he says crack me up.  Today though we were playing on the couch.  His nose was obviously really runny and I had asked him a couple of times if he needed a tissue and he said no.  Of course he said no.  So again I said, I think you need to get a tissue for your nose.  He bent over, wiped his face across my jeans and proceeded to play.