And again

I am going back home again tomorrow for the holidays.  I am going really because my brother and his family will be there also.  Otherwise, I most likely wouldn't go.  I wish I could post pictures and fun things from there, but I will only have my work computer with me and I can't post from that computer.  Maybe I can figure out how to post from my phone.

Anyway, in case this is it for 2011, happy holidays to anyone who is reading and I will see you back here in 2012!

Home again home again

I just got back from a week in Michigan where I am from.  I went home for my 6th AA anniversary.  I do this every year for my anniversary.  This year I had a wonderful time.  I stayed with my cousin Jodie which was great because we got to spend more time together than we normally do when I come home and I really enjoyed that and spending time with her kids.

I go back the week after this week to spend Christmas there through New Years.  My roommate is coming with me and I am really excited about that as well.

On the job search front, things are only so so, but I am really going to have to step up my effort come January 1.

My first quilt project

This assumes that there will be another one.

This Thanksgiving I am in Charlotte at my roommate's aunt and uncle's house.  We were here last year and her aunt gave me one of her beautiful quilts that she had made.  She is an amazing quilter.  The quilt she gave me last year is hanging on the wall in my living room.  I wanted to learn how to quilt because I thought I would really like it.  But of course I don't have anything that you need to do it.

So her aunt asked me if I wanted to learn how to use the sewing machine and of course I said yes.  When we got upstairs to do what she calls "commit fabric" I had no idea that I was actually picking out fabric to make an entire quilt.  But make a quilt we did.  I cut, sewed, cut, pieced together and sewed almost all of the quilt above.  We don't have time to finish it up while I am here so she is going to finish it up for me.

I love it.

Unplugged

So I finally switched to an iPhone.  I know - I am a little late to that party and it cost me a small fortune.  I got the 4s because why get the older one when it costs almost as much as the new one.  Work won't support iPhones or allow us to have our work email on an iPhone so we are stuck using blackberries.  I have resisted getting an iPhone for the simple reason that I didn't want to carry two devices around.  In the 24 hour window while I waited for my new blackberry to arrive from the Chicago office on Friday, I had no blackberry access to my email.  I found this to be mildly distressing - not being able to know exactly what was happening in my inbox at all times.  The first thing I do in the morning when I get up is check my blackberry to find out what I am walking into for the day.  Friday though, I had to wait until I got to the office to find out.

The thing about having your phone be your work email and your work email be your phone is that every time you pick the phone up you inevitably check your work email.  I feel constantly connected, constantly available.  This past weekend I found that I was able to leave my work email behind.  I just didn't even bring that particular device with me wherever I went.  I don't care so much that I am not available on a whim for them.  Whenever I feel overly important at work I just remind myself that if I get hit by a bus, they will figure it out.  In fact, they are having to figure it out because they know I am leaving.  I am no longer the "it" person and that feels pretty great.  I am in the shadows now, slowly transitioning things for my eventual departure and doing more small projects rather than managing large ones.  I am being phased out.  Now let's just hope I find another job before they don't need me for anything anymore.  I might still be a valuable part of the team but that's not going to last forever.

Things haven't been going great for me anyway at work.  Projects have gotten out of hand, things have gone wrong - it's just time to move on.  And part of moving on is not being so damned attached to my email.  I am feeling unplugged. 

Tick tock

I am taking a calculated risk.  

As of this morning, the clock starts ticking.  The partner didn't say there is an expiration date on my job, but I suspect there might be.  He said that the goal should be to find me the right job by 6 months from now because that is the end of the billable year, and that if we run into next year's evaluation time, questions will be raised as to why I did nothing towards partnership.  I don't disagree with that assessment, I think he is right.  Questions will be raised if I am not out of there within six months.   I am not that confident though that I will be.  Not much in the way of hiring happens during the holidays so I am thinking there won't be any progress until after January 1st.  That only leaves me 4 months.  Eek.  I don't actually know if I will be laid off in 6 months for not having a job.  It is very possible that I won't be but I am basically afraid to ask.  Although I should.  Duh.  The partner thinks this process isn't going to take nearly as long as I do.  

I weighed the risks and benefits of being honest about my intentions and decided that the risk was worth having the help of the partner in finding a job.  I hope I was right.

Vermont

I am headed to Vermont today to visit my brother and his family.  I won't be able to post anything from there because I will only have my work computer, but hopefully I will have some cute pictures to post when I get back.

See you then...

This anxiety is killing me

With all of this stress about having to find another job, being honest with the partner, fucking up a project at work and my work load/the fact that things are way behind, my anxiety level is killing me.  I just don't know how much more anxiety I can take.

Tomorrow if the weather is nice, I am going to Central Park to walk around.  Just to think I guess.  Although what is there to think about?  I already have a plan.  And I have a pretty good sense of how to execute the plan.  But damn, I don't think I have felt this anxious ever in the history of feeling anxious.  The medication I take for it is just plain not working.  Like not at all.

The only worry that I have about my plan and its execution is whether I have stamped an expiration date on my job.  Is the partner only going to be willing to help me for so long?  Is he going to say in 6 months if we haven't found the right job, you are out?  That is the one variable that I don't know.  I need to pin that down.

Although I have done the calculation in my head many times over.  It is far better to have the partner's help and have a 6 month expiration date than to try to do this on my own.  The partner knows nearly everyone within our professional circle.  He is really well known, really well respected, and he said there is a lot he can do to help me.

I am sitting around playing the game in my head of whether or not to go this way, when really I think I am already too far down the road to go back.  So onward it is.

On a limb, or a ledge maybe

I did the unthinkable.  Anyone with half a brain would tell you not to tell your boss you are planning to quit until you have another job.

To be fair, that's not exactly how the conversation went.  He opened the door, I just decided to walk through it.  And no, I didn't tell him I am leaving yet.  I am supposed to be "thinking" about it for another couple of weeks.  Do a little soul searching while I am in Vermont visiting my brother's family.

It all came up in the context of my annual review and the pressure that has been/is being put on me to make partner.  And as you know, I have been struggling with this decision.  Or at least I was, until I made it.  To make the half hour conversation short, he basically said if you want to make partner I will help you do that, if you want to leave the firm I will help you do that, and help you make sure you find the right job.  Whatever you want to do I will help you be successful.   He said he would start making phone calls, do whatever he could to help me.  Wow, right?  Oh yeah - and they won't let me go while I find my next job.  I get to keep working there while I find it.

So as I mentioned, maybe, I can't remember - he knows someone at Google who might be able to get me the job there.  It is also possible that there could be an opportunity at Apple for me.  All in all, the conversation with the partner went better than I ever could have expected.  And the prospect of a new job is pretty exciting.

So why do I feel so bad?

Down

I feel down.  Down about my current work situation.  Down about my prospects.  Just down.

Why?

In AA we always say it just takes what it takes.  There is no real reason why.  You can't force a person into a AA, they get there when they get there.  We all get there differently, and more or less the same.  For me it took a couple of bad nights, a little reflection and some curiosity.  For that I was lucky.

But why did it take moving 750 miles across the country with my job to realize that I need to leave my job?  I don't know.  I don't know if I would have realized it if I was still in Chicago and everything was the same as it was before.  I don't think moving out here was the wrong thing, I just think that, for better or worse, it accelerated the inevitable.  Coming out here was admittedly an experiment.  One where I was trying to make my job work and where I would be able to consider the real possibility of making partner.  There were even some moments of being excited about my job and the prospect of a slightly different career.  I felt like I had options, possibilities - something like reinventing my job in a way.

Well, obviously things have changed.  Drastically.  I am trying not to feel desperate to get out of my job because I don't think desperation makes for good decision making.  And I need to make a good decision.  I feel like I have come to some sort of peace about it though and the fact that it could take a long time.  This job that I want so badly - it will or it won't happen.  And if it doesn't, I have faith that something better will come along.  The outcome of all of this may not be what I think I want.  It may not look the way I want it to or the way I think it should look.  But, it will work out how it is supposed to.

This job that I want  - it just seems too good to be true.  It feels like the job of a life time.  Like this kind of opportunity doesn't come along more than once.  I am wary of saying that and believing that though.  It's just dangerous I think to view anything in such an absolute way.  And I think that although it feels true, I can't exclude the possibility that something actually better will come along.  Besides, when I took the job I have, I thought the same thing.  I thought it was the chance of a lifetime to advance my career and maybe a once in a life time opportunity to get a job at a very well respected law firm and the largest law firm in the world.  Turns out that it was the right career move for me at the time and probably has opened up possibilities that I wouldn't otherwise have had.  It's just now I see it for what it really is.  Only a stepping stone to something greater.    

Laying it on the line

I have tough choices ahead of me.  This decision that I made is a big one.  The execution is something else entirely.

I have kept this decision from the partner because you can't exactly go to your boss and say so I am going to give notice eventually, but not yet, so just hang tight a while so I can figure this thing out.  Oh yeah, and if you can, help me while I am at it.

Or, maybe you can.

This is a really tough call.  I talked to my colleague about it.  She works for the same person.  Her recommendation is that I confess that the partnership track is not for me and that I am looking to move to an in-house position.  She feels confident that although he would be disappointed, he would help me find and get the right position.  She felt certain that he would be nothing but helpful in making a transition.

And, I found out today that my contact at Google left Google like three weeks ago to go work for Apple, which means one of two things - either I need  a little more help getting the Google job, or perhaps there could be one at Apple.  Either way, I also found out today that the partner knows this contact better than I thought.

Perhaps laying it on the line would mean that the partner would help me seal the deal.  But what if laying it on the line means I am given only X amount of time to find a new job before I am fired?  What if laying it on the line means I get let go immediately?  Laying it on the line changes, well, everything.

From coast to coast

If you have read my past two posts then you know what is going on.  Right now I feel that I have to consider all options open in order to get out of my firm.  I know that sounds a bit desperate, but I am desperate.  That being said, this needs to be a carefully and well thought out choice that I make because I am making a turn on my career path.  I need to make sure it is the right turn.

I am applying for a job with Google at their headquarters in California.  I just hope that the posting is still current and the position hasn't been filled.  My background is perfect for the position and I have a little bit of an in there.  I know the person who is the head of the legal "department" that this position is in.  I am not sure if this position reports to her or not, but I am hoping she can at least help me a little.

Fingers crossed!

Finite

I'm getting the sense that my time at my job is limited - because I am not "playing the game" very well.  By "playing the game" I mean I am not acting as if I want to make partner.  It's pretty hard to act as if you want something when, well, you really don't.  And the acting as if part involves working your ass off beyond anything reasonable and doing all kinds of things that you don't want to do.

I've been skating by for years (that's actually not really a fair characterization, because I have done my share of trying over the years) and now that it's close to time for me to make partner, well, all eyes are on me.  Exactly where you don't want them to be when you are doing, um, the absolute bare minimum to bill enough hours and going home.  I have the work load of like three people.  I could work all night and never catch up, so I just go home.

Well I had a little chat with the partner when he was in town visiting the other day.  More like a really one sided conversation where he told me all the things I would have to do to make partner and everything that sucks about the job.  He told me that there is no such thing as work life balance, there is only work life.  He told me that you don't get to have any personal life and that you have to work late hours and not see your friends and family.  He said it was all consuming, that it is stressful, but a good kind of stressful (wait, what?  Who the fuck seeks that out?).  Anyway, like I said, he didn't say one single positive thing about it.  He didn't even mention the pay check.  I can already tell you though, that the paycheck wouldn't be worth it.  My pay check is barely worth it as things currently stand.

I left the conversation thinking wow, I was just told that I can't make partner, keep this job and have a baby.  Now of course that is not what he said, not in those words, but that is the first thing that popped into my head.  And he did sort of say it without saying it.  What am I supposed to say to the question, "do you want to make partner?"  How am I supposed to answer that?  Am I supposed to say no and run the risk of losing my job?  Can I say no and not actually lose it?  Would they give me time to find another job or would they just let me go?  The problem with my job is that it is an "up or out" kind of place.  You either make partner or you leave.  I am right in that unfortunate middle ground.

In the nine years that I have been out of law school, I have never been so crystal clear about what I want.  I have always wavered and always wondered if I made a wrong choice in becoming a lawyer.  I don't know what I ultimately want.  I don't know for what company I want to work for or what position I want to have.  I don't know where I want it to take me.  I just know, with absolute certainty, that I am headed in the wrong direction.

I moved because I wanted to change my life.  I wanted to make my job work.  I wanted to be closer to my brother's family.  Funny how things work out, because boy are they going to change.

Exit strategy

I think I had an epiphany yesterday.  It all started with a phone call and now it has snow balled into something else.  Over a year ago I applied for a job at a company in New York that I really really wanted.  Well, obviously they didn't hire me.  I never heard a word from them.  They didn't call me and they never rejected me.  In fact, based on their online submission tool, they never even looked at my resume.  Which is unfortunate for them because I was actually really qualified for the position.  I was about as qualified as you could get.

But I came to New York anyway.  I transferred with my law firm to our office here, with a couple of things in mind.  One of them was to make this job that I have work for me in a way that it wasn't working in Chicago.  Is it working?  Too soon to tell.  But I have had a lot to think about since I've been here and believe me, I have been thinking.  There was a window where I was feeling positive about my job.  Really encouraged by the opportunity that coming here will/has afforded me.  There were even a few moments where I felt excited about it again - something I hadn't felt in a long long time.  And yes, there was even a moment when I thought I might still want to make partner at my law firm.  That moment was a bit fleeting though and now I've just been evaluating that option from a really realistic perspective.  Weighing every aspect of it.

But the phone rang today.  It was a recruiter.  Calling about a vice president and senior counsel position at a major entertainment company.  Although I will most likely get rejected for this position because there are just more qualified people out there for this one, I want the job.  I really wish I could get this job, some how.  And then it dawned on me.  I might have come here at the prospect of advancing my career, it's just I realized today that I might be advancing it in the wrong direction.  I'm really feeling strongly that it is time for me to move on.  What I need to be working on is not making partner, it is planning my exit strategy.

Some time in the next three years before I make partner, I need to find the right in house counsel position.  I am feeling pretty strongly right now that this is the right direction for me to be headed.  I feel like it's the right thing for me to.  So I am updating my resume this weekend, and hoping like hell that they will consider me.

I get it

I used to not get it.  I used to not get it at all.  I just couldn't get my brain around why or how someone with any  number of years of sobriety would go back out and drink.  I just couldn't make sense of it even though it happens all the time.  A different version of the same story.  But why?  People talk about the compulsion to drink - it's been a long time since I felt that compulsion - that feeling of having to have it even though you don't really want it.  God knows you don't want to throw all your time away just for some alcohol.  Over the years I have always thought no, not me.  Never.  After having accumulated the amount of time I have, it could never happen to me.

Well, it hasn't happened, but now I get it.  My roommate and I have this sort of unspoken about rule that she can have wine in the house and cook with it and keep it around as long as it doesn't bother me.  And the second it bothers me, it has to be dumped out.  On one day I might not care at all.  I might not think twice about it.  But the next day it might really bother me.  I might be obsessed with the fact that it's sitting there.  I might not be able to get it out of my mind.

The other night there was wine in the house, and I had a brief moment when I had considered asking her to dump it down the drain.  Ultimately I decided it was ok, but for a split second I felt that compulsion again.  I felt that loss of control over myself and the feeling that I might not be able to stop myself.  Luckily I am free of that feeling 99% of the time.  It was weird to feel that way.  It has been so so long since I have even come close to thinking about drinking.

But now I understand how it happens.  It just happens.  That's the scary part.  Although you ultimately make a choice to drink or not drink. it seems to happen as if by accident.  I don't know how to put it into words, but I get it.  It makes sense to me.  I'll never do it, but I've realized that I am a little more vulnerable to it than I really thought I was.

A hurricane, really?

Let's see - since I moved to New York City almost exactly a month ago, I sprained my ankle really badly, my car battery died for no reason, my computer battery died for no reason, we had an earthquake, and now we are having a hurricane.  Seriously?

My roommate and I do not live in one of the mandatory evacuation zones so we have decided to stay put.  I am a little nervous about all of this because I have never been through a hurricane, but my roommate has and she is not worried.  So we are going to just ride it out.  I will post later - assuming we have Internet.

It worked out - in the end

So I went to partner B and apologized that I am not able to help him on his deal.  That didn't go so great.  So I immediately went to partner A and told him he better get to partner C before partner B does.

I have no idea what transpired.  I just know I am off the hook.  From the deal anyway.  There is always my regular work load...

Caught in the middle

I try to stay out of it.  By that I mean I try to stay out of political battles at work.  If two partners want to fight over my valuable time - then it's between them.  I just do what I am told.  The last place I want to be is caught in the middle of two people trying to assert their so called political power.

Generally speaking I do 95% of my work for one partner, with the occasional project (say three times a year) for the head of my practice group.  And then there is the occasional project that I get asked to do, where someone has to tell the other partner no, or I get told I have to do it.  The hard part is when partner B, the one that I don't work for, comes to me directly requesting my time.  I immediately involve partner A, the partner that I work for, because ultimately it should be up to him if he wants to give my time away.  And like I said, it goes one of two ways.  Partner A will either stick up for himself/me, or he will be beaten out by partner B.

Well this time I am caught right smack in the middle of three partners.  They all want something different. They all have competing interests.  And I already have the work load of 2-3 people.  I can't be three places at once.  It is simply not possible for all three partners to get what they want.

So partner B came to me assuming that I was going to drop all of partner A's work to do this project that is totally unrelated to the kind of law I practice.  I went immediately to partner A and partner A and I had a conversation in which I told him the truth about how I feel about doing the project (yay me for sticking up for myself), and we agreed that I don't have time to do the project and that we should gracefully say no.  Wait, he said I should say no.  What?  All of a sudden I am finding myself having to tell a partner no, when I strongly think that this is the other partner's responsibility.  It puts me in a really awkward position.  I feel like I am being sent in to do the dirty work and it is making me really uncomfortable.  

This is what is going to happen.  I am going to tell partner B no (tomorrow - eek).  Partner B is going to go tell partner C that I said no.  Partner C is going to go to partner A (the one that I work for), and partner A is going to have to stick up for the both of us, otherwise I am going to get screwed into doing partner B's project because partner C has his own selfish agenda.  I see myself getting screwed in this situation.  First of all, I am terrified to say no - but the reality is, unless we pull me off of my entire work load, I can't do the project.  It's about a 3-4 month deal project that would take all my time.  For one thing I hate deals.  There is a reason why everything I do is regulatory compliance related.  And also, I know nothing about the substance of this deal, or doing a deal at all for that matter.

I don't really know quite what to do honestly.  I just have to hope that the person I work for is willing to fight this one out.

 

Another one

Night sky

I know, I keep posting pictures of the view here, but really, we have an amazing view.  I never pull my blinds at night because this is what I get to look at as I am falling asleep.

More later...

A stranger in my own town

I realize it takes more than two weeks to become acclimated to a new city.  A new apartment, a new office, a new routine.  It just takes time.  I feel like I am on some kind of extended vacation though.  I moved in with my friend Nina here in New York.  Every time I have been to New York in the past three years it has been to visit her so this just feels like another fun trip, even though I am sitting on my own couch writing this.  I don't remember when I started to feel like I lived in Chicago.  I know that it never felt like home until I didn't live there anymore.  I caught myself the other day referring to back home and I meant Chicago even though my home is Michigan.  It is so big here and there is so much to do that I haven't done.

I feel like a tourist.

The view from my office window

A room with a view

Sunset

The river flows north, no wait south, no wait

I have arrived safely in New York City to my new apartment with an amazing view of Manhattan.  I will try to take a picture when I unpack my stuff which arrives tomorrow, and I find the good camera.

The river outside the window flows both directions.  Weird, right?

Something for something, or a mishmash

After not feeling ready for the move, I am finally ready.  In fact, in true me fashion, I am sitting around waiting for the movers to get here because I am actually done earlier than I thought I would be.  I have two things left, besides this computer - scissors for cutting tape, and a sharpie for labeling the boxes.  I'm not sure what to do with these two things since I have already closed up the last box of miscellaneous items.  So here I sit, waiting.  So I will just ramble for once.

Last weekend as I was packing, I felt really sad to leave Chicago.  But it's not like I am leaving a whole lot behind.  I just felt sad to leave particular people.   Though it's not as if I will never be here again since I will come into the office periodically.  Sooner than I would like to actually at the end of August for a meeting.

It still feels surreal that this is probably the last time that I will make the drive from here back home.  I am stopping in Michigan over night and then making my way to New York on Sunday.  I am mostly worried about the cat of all things.  He is sitting here staring at me right now.

My last day in the Chicago office was uneventful.  Neither of the partners were there to say goodbye to and no one else seemed to care much that I was leaving anyway.  So I guess I don't feel that bad about leaving the office after all.  A major problem at work is messing up this move a bit, but well, work is going to be there no matter where I am.  It's hard to argue that me being in New York won't work - my colleague lives in North Carolina.

I wonder if I will ever feel like I belong in New York, or whether I will always feel like an outsider looking in like I did here in Chicago.  I hope not.  I hope I am able to change that and that New York will agree with me.  I have had a couple of those - oh my god what have I done - freak out moments.  But I suppose that is natural when you completely uproot everything and move on.

I recently reconnected with my favorite college professor on Facebook.  He is an English teacher, a writing teacher.  I hate english classes, but his class I loved.  It was persuasive writing.  It was about how to live life as much as it was about how to write.  He said if we remember only one thing from his class, remember, "something for something."  And what he meant by that is that you get out of life what you put into it, and that that applies to everything.  It is in fact the only thing I remember from his class from so many years ago.  He used to tell us it would save us a life time of misery if we could just remember that one thing and apply it in our lives.  How easy it is to forget.

We made it folks

Although my five year breast cancer survival anniversary passed on May 15th, a huge milestone, I just wasn't comfortable saying I had made it five years, because what if I hadn't?  I just wasn't going to be comfortable until my annual mammogram.  Well, my mammogram was yesterday and I am happy to report that we made it.  We made it to five years.

I feel - a little lighter.

An ice cream maker a lamp shade and some jewelry

When I started the packing process I was meticulous about it.  Things that go together got packed together. And I have managed to get rid of a lot of stuff in the process, although some of it is not being picked up until Thursday which makes me a little bit nervous since my movers come next Saturday.  Yikes - next Saturday!  Now I am down to the last of what needs to be packed it seems.  Having only left out what I need to get through about a week and a half clothes wise and the few bathroom products that I will really want until my stuff gets delivered a week from Tuesday.  I thought I remembered what was packed where and now I have no idea where anything is.  I am down to the very last few things, getting haphazardly packed.  My boxes are labeled of course with what is inside, but perhaps my labels are not specific enough.  I labeled the box with the ice cream maker, the lamp shade and the jewelry as "Master Bedroom."  Huh.  That might mean that unpacking will be like a surprise!  My only real worry is that I won't be able to find the box with the sheets (yes it is labeled "sheets").

Many years ago when I moved once locally in my home town, I was very careful once again to label the boxes with their contents.  One of my boxes was labeled "Important Stuffed Animals."  As opposed to the box of unimportant ones.  I got made fun of for that.

Let me just say duh

You can't order chinese take out when you have packed all the dishes.

My life in boxes

Cursed

I am cursed with an inability to sleep in.  It drives me crazy.  Even on the weekends I wake up between 6:00 and 6:45.  You might think it's great because generally I get enough sleep, and I get to have a lot of day to be productive, but on Saturday morning, it sucks.

1/3 packed

I would say I am about 1/3 packed.  I made quite a lot of progress today towards getting rid of things and figuring out the list of things I would like to donate to the salvation army.  The list of things I am trying to donate is long.  I don't think I will feel like I have this placed packed up until those things get picked up and that's not going to be until right before the move.  Anyway, I am getting there.  It hardly seems real.  I am glad I started packing when I did because I realized as I got going that it was going to take me a lot longer than I thought to get things together.  It seems like I have a lot of time left, but I really have 19 days. And I have a lot to do in 19 days.

Also, my mammogram is coming up between now and when I move, and that of course complicates everything.

This is harder than I thought it would be

So I started the process of packing for my move today.  I got some boxes, some bubble wrap, some packing tape.  I set out to throw things away and make piles of things to donate.  Things I don't use, don't need.  I have to save space.  I might be gaining a bedroom but I am losing closet space.

I have managed so far to decide what to donate.  And I have produced one and half bags of things to throw away.  But mostly I have just been wandering around my condo looking at this, looking at that, and putting things back in their place.

I have lived here for five years - the longest I have lived anywhere since I was 18.  My life until this point had always felt transient.  I was constantly moving for school etc.  But here, I actually live here.  I have lived through a lot here.

My oncologist told me about 3 years ago that maybe the best thing would be to move away from Chicago.  She said that some people just can't move on until they get out of the place where they lived through breast cancer - because it is hard not to associate everything about the place with the hell that you went through.  I thought that made a lot of sense at the time.

But I have moved on here, to live a life that wasn't really as bad as I probably thought it was.  I just didn't make the most of it.  I never came here with the intention of staying forever, but I'm a little sad to leave.  I'm having a hard time putting things in boxes.  Mostly I just keep putting things away.    

Rinse, repeat

Get up, go to work, work late, go home, go to bed.  Get up, go to work, work late, go home, go to bed.  Get up, go to work...you get the idea.

That didn't go well

I told my dad I am moving to New York.

Spa day nine: departure

Sad.

The way you do one thing is the way you do everything

Miraval is all about mindfulness, being present in the moment (if you can achieve that - which is difficult), pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, and looking at what is working in your life and what isn't.  Yes it is a famous world class spa, but if all you do is go to the spa, I think you sort of miss the point.  Or at least you haven't taken advantage of what this place has to offer.  My favorite thing about this place is not the spa, it is the challenge course.

The challenge course works as a sort of metaphor for life.  And although the challenges are all different - some can be about letting go, some can be about how you work with others - they are all about how you face a challenge.  They are all based on this idea that the way you do one thing is the way you do everything.  That makes sense to me.  So the way you face a challenge on the challenge course, is the way you face a challenge in life.  And of course there is the basic idea that if you don't push yourself outside your comfort zone, your comfort zone will shrink.  I know this from experience.  So if you pay attention to what the voice in your head says when you go to do the challenge, you might learn something about the way you move through the world.

Do you make assumptions about your abilities?  Does the voice say I can't do it, this will never work, I am going to fail, why am I bothering to try?  Do you define success only as finishing the task, or is there something in between?  Is the voice in your head a positive one, saying you can do anything?  It's really a fascinating way to look at how you live your life.  The voice in my head is generally a negative one yet I am nearly always successful if you define success as completing the challenge.  That is very true of how I am in life.  Rarely do I approach anything with a "can do" attitude.  And rarely, if ever, do I set out to challenge myself at all in life.  I tend to do what I know I can be successful at.  I like to know the outcome before I take on the task.  I have a definite fear of the unknown and so I try to avoid it.  But when I am forced to face it, despite the voice in my head, I rise to the occasion and generally overcome the fear.

I come here to Miraval and sign up for the challenges so that I have an opportunity to look at these things and to expand my comfort zone a bit in an environment that is safe with a bit of predictability.  To change my behavior.  To change my thinking.  To change my self-esteem.  I have done nearly all of the challenges here.  The challenge I did yesterday that I posted pictures from below is called Face to Face.  You are about 30 feet in the air.  You work with a partner.  You each stand on a cable and the cables get farther and farther apart.  You have to balance your weight against your partner's and move across the cables as a team.  As the gap becomes every wider it gets harder and harder to match weight with your partner.  Eventually it becomes impossible and you both fall.  Turns out it is impossible to complete the challenge.  It is purposely designed that way so that it is impossible to make it all the way to the end.

Anyway, it was one of the few challenges I hadn't done, so even though I was feeling like I didn't want to try (my very predictable reaction), my friend that I am here with forced me to do it anyway and of course I am glad I did.  There are two challenges left that I haven't done and one of them is being offered tomorrow so I signed up.

The hard thing for me is that I know what it's like to have my comfort zone shrink, to have my life get smaller as I fail to push myself in any way to the outer limits of my abilities and beyond.  Yet it really takes forcing myself to do so.  It takes an extraordinary amount of effort to push myself to do things that I don't think are possible or that I don't want to do or that I am afraid to do.  Despite the fact that the outcome is so rewarding, I just utterly fail to try.  My life has shrunken.  It's tiny right now.  But that is about to change... 

Spa day six: hiking

Views - amazing.  Didn't have my camera though.

Spa day five: face to face

Spa day five: a swing and a prayer

Spa day four: Wyatt

Enough said.

Spa day four: attacked by a hawk

So there are some hawks over here by the rooms my friend and are staying in.  And there are bins of umbrellas out with a warning that the hawks are dive bombing people when they walk by.  So unless you want to get kicked in the head by a hawk, you might want to take an umbrella.  I thought yeah whatever.  That's so unlikely to happen that I am not going to carry an umbrella around back and forth to my room because how silly is that.  And I thought, that probably only happens at night, right?  And even then, I am not going to worry about it.

Wrong.  I just went for a walk at 7:30 am up to the main building for a latte.  The hawk dive bombed me twice on the way back, kicking me in the back of the head.  I took off running.

Spa day three: not Wyatt

My friend and I signed up to do the Equine Experience fully expecting Wyatt to be the facilitator.  Wyatt is the reason we signed up.  Well it turned out that someone else was facilitating yesterday's session - someone in training to replace Wyatt when he eventually retires.  We felt bad ditching the session just because it wasn't Wyatt so we went anyway.  I can you tell you from experience, having spent time with Wyatt and now without Wyatt, that it simply isn't the same.  Wyatt has a way about him - that well, people who work at the spa say to prepare yourself because Wyatt makes everyone cry.

The first time I did the Equine Experience here at Miraval, Wyatt reduced me to tears in front of the whole group in a matter of seconds by asking a simple question which brought up the whole of my issues all at once - what lies at the core of my personality, how I feel, what I think, my fears, my behaviors, my sense of myself in the world.  I have this thing, that I can only describe as a thing, and it colors everything about everything.  And no he doesn't leave you sitting there crying.  We worked through the issue and it was painful, but in the aftermath, I realized a really profound kind of thing had happened - some of my beliefs about myself in the world had changed.  For one thing, I was no longer ashamed.

Today we are redoing the Equine Experience because we double checked to make sure that the session is being facilitated by Wyatt.  I have unanswered questions from yesterday's session.  As part of the session you do this thing in what they call the "round pen" where you direct the horse's movements with your body's energy and your intention.  It''s interesting for a couple of reasons, in particular, the reaction I had.  The facilitator said that most people feel more comfortable in the round pen exercise because there is a sense of distance with the horse.  And that this is lots of times true for people who like distance in their relationships.  The thing is, I had quite the opposite reaction.  I happen to like distance in my relationships.  With the exception of very few of my relationships, I maintain quite a good bit of distance.  However, I was terribly uncomfortable in the round pen where there was space between myself and the horse.

I don't understand why I have the opposite reaction so I want to ask Wyatt.  Also, the facilitator told me that we have less control over things in life than we think we do and obviously we have no control over other people.  Certainly there is some truth to that.  She said we have no more control over the horse than we have over anything.  And I am confused because isn't that what we were doing - controlling the horse with our energy?  I have to ask Wyatt, because if we weren't controlling the horse then what the hell were we doing?

Spa day two: by the pool

Spa day one: they recognize me

I am a little embarrassed to say that the hostess at lunch recognized me.  Last year one of the adventure guides recognized me.  I feel sort of silly for coming back here year after year.  What I really wonder is whether Wyatt will recognize me.  We'll see.  My friend and I are signed up for Wyatt's experience tomorrow morning.  Fun!

Spa day one: arrival

Perfect.

Spa extravaganza - take 4

Tomorrow I leave for my annual trip to the spa.  I guess it has become an annual trip since it is the 4th year in a row that I've gone.  Although every year I go I tell myself I will take a year off and then six months later I decide I simply have to go again.  It feels like just yesterday that I was there.  I can't believe an entire year has gone by.

So tomorrow I am off to Miraval resort spa and I can't wait.  The past three years I have gone alone and this year a close friend is coming with me.  It's going to be fantastic.

I need this vacation really badly.  Hot weather, sunshine, blue skies, mountains, and the spa - amazing.

2:30 am

And I just got home from work.

The letter

Many years ago I wrote a letter to someone.  It was a letter apologizing for the way I had treated someone, for the way I had ended a relationship.  It was about the past.  The time we spent.  It was about the time we missed.  So much time missed.  I had all but forgotten the letter until he reminded me after all these years that he had kept it.

We talked for nearly an hour, dancing around what has always existed between us.  A connection that has transcended both time and distance.  Something I can't explain.  After all these years, it remains the same.  Leading me to wonder whether I didn't make a terrible mistake.  

Sugar high

Happy birthday to me!

In the clear with a celebratory cupcake

Although I won't feel comfortable until I make it through my next mammogram on July 19th, in theory I am in the clear.

It was 5 years ago today that I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  And though I normally wouldn't say this, because it has never felt like something to celebrate, it has always felt like the thing that ruined my birthday for all time (which is in two days), I think it is time to start celebrating.  I have, well we think anyway, made it through the window.  Supposedly you are pretty much in the clear after 5 years.  If I have it again in July, well, um, let's not think about that.  I'm just going to eat a celebratory cupcake for breakfast instead.

The unexpected consequence

It has been my experience in AA that whenever someone relapses and comes back to a meeting, they always tell the same story.  I've heard it again and again.  They always say I stopped praying and I stopped going to meetings.  It's pretty simple really.  I've never heard someone say I prayed every day and I went to a meeting and I drank anyway.  I can't say it never happens that way, but in my experience, if you do those two things, you stay sober.

I have to tell on myself and admit, if it hasn't been obvious from other posts, that I don't really go to meetings anymore.  And I don't pray either.  I can tell you with pretty much certainty that I'm not going to drink.  It is the furthest thing from my mind.  But I would be fooling myself if I didn't realize that what I'm doing by not going is dangerous.  In particular with all of the stress that has come into my life with moving to New York and starting over.  There are consequences to not going to meetings besides drinking.  You get a little crazy in the head.  Your whole attitude and outlook shifts from the positive to the negative.  You are suddenly ungrateful.  You lose the peace and serenity that you worked so hard to gain.  I know because I have experienced all of these things by not going to meetings.

It is true there are days, most days, when I feel completely fine without going to meetings, but recently I experienced what I can only describe as the way you feel in early sobriety.  I felt such overwhelming stress and anxiety and it led to old feelings of desperation.  Desperate not to feel what I was feeling.  I went to a meeting in the hopes of getting some relief.  There are only two ways I know of to get that kind of relief.  You could drink yourself into not caring, or you could go to a meeting.  There are three ways actually.  You could pray for relief.

I always had really strong faith in a higher power.  It was not difficult for me to get step 2.  It was easy because I had always believed in something greater than myself.  I just never had words for it until I had AA.  Over the course of my first year of sobriety, I had been through so much - surviving breast cancer and all - my faith grew to be almost unshakable.  People talk about having "God" stories or moments.  I have those stories.  Things that are simply unexplainable.  My faith was very important to me and very important to my program.  I prayed every day, twice a day, at least.

Although not going to meetings has not led to me drinking, I have experienced the other consequences from time to time - the crazy in the head and the lack of gratitude, among other things, like life just being plain difficult to tolerate.  But I realized just the other day the real consequence of my not going to meetings.  I have lost the very thing that meant the most to me.  I lost my faith.

Call it what you want

Some people I know, AA people in particular, might call what I am doing taking the geographic cure.  You know what I mean.  The grass is always greener, and when I get over there, to that place where the grass is greener, things are going to be different.  As if by magic, I am going to wake up someone else.  I will be happy.  Life will be different in all of the ways that I used to think it sucked.  I don't suffer from that illusion anymore.  I've been there and I've tried it.  Not so much with locations but with material things.  So sure that if I just got the thing I wanted everything would be better.  Only to find out when I got it that I either didn't want it after all or it didn't change anything.  Of course it didn't.

The truth is, I have given this a lot of thought.  I never knew when I came here to Chicago if I had the intention to stay forever or not.  It was more like a stepping stone and a really great job which honestly I thought I would have moved on from by now.  Well, to be really honest, my life looks nothing like I wanted it to or like I thought it would.  But that's another post for another day.  I have been thinking about moving for probably two years now.  Wondering what the right time would be and where to go.  I wanted to go to Michigan, though I always had some reservations about it.  A lot of changes in management happened at work and suddenly they were intent on block telecommuting arrangements.  Well, that's when I immediately started job searching.  The trouble is, my area of law is so specialized that there isn't much out there.  Fortunately, it is what I would call an up and coming position in companies.

One thing I have learned from AA, from watching people live their lives and make choices, is that it is possible to be happy anywhere.  It is possible for you to make a life for yourself anywhere.  It just takes the effort.  It is like anything in life, you get out of it what you put into it.  That's exactly what I have going on right now - not much.  Unfortunately, I've never been able, despite actually trying, to get myself integrated into the program here.  I don't have close friends in AA here.  It's not like it was in Ann Arbor where someone calls you when you don't show up for the noon meeting to see if you are ok.  I don't show up and no one notices.  Luckily I have other forms of accountability through non-AA friends.  Anyway, I've never been comfortable enough here to raise my hand at a meeting and talk, and that's a problem.  Part of the problem with me and AA in Chicago is that Chicago is all about having breast cancer.  I mean, I had been here about 6 weeks when I found out and my immediate reaction was to withdraw, to not tell anyone, to isolate myself.  And even when it was over, and I had survived, I just couldn't get myself integrated into AA.  That is something that needs to change.  There are lots of things that need to change.  It's just that I know it isn't going to happen by magic.

Anyway, I would be lying though if I didn't say that the grass looks a bit greener on the other side.  I think that is only natural when you decide to make a move to a new location.  Even if you know that you have to put the effort in, it still looks a little brighter.  If it didn't, would you really be going?  I do think I can make a life for myself there and be happy and content and integrate myself into AA.  And I believe that my job will be better there as well.  But I also know that it's all about the choices I make.  I have to make it happen.  I want a new start.  I want a new beginning.  I want another chance.  I want a do over.

They approved my move to New York and I am going.

2047.6

It's over.  The billable year is over.  Thank God.  I really needed it to end.  The sad part is, now the stress just starts all over at zero.  In any event, I made it over 2000 which is good on many levels.  And I took today off basically just because I could.  I've been meaning to post a lot of things lately and haven't had the energy to get it done (working until midnight all week), but I will post more later.

Did I really just do that?

I just sat on my couch for 10 hours and watched the second half of the final season of 24 straight on Netflix.  This might be evidence of just how little of a life I actually have.

Why am I awake?

I am cursed with an inability to sleep in and I hate it.  I get plenty of sleep because I go to bed by 10, but no matter what I do, I can't sleep past 6:30.  Today I woke up at 5:45.  It doesn't matter if I stay up late, or take extra sleep drugs in the middle of the night, I can't sleep in.

You might think it's a good thing because I have a nice long day.  I am up and ready to go, but what am I supposed to do with all this time I have?  Especially on the weekend when I have no plans but to do a whole lot of nothing.  The other thing is, I wake up quickly.  There is no hope of me going back to sleep.  The second I wake up I am wide awake.  It doesn't take take me a few minutes or even a half hour to fully wake up.  I fully wake up instantly.

Anyway, so here I am awake.  The only thing this is good for is when I am at my brother's in Vermont and his kids get up at the crack of dawn.  Otherwise, this sucks.

56.3

Our billable year ends on April 30th.  I need 56.3 more billable hours to hit our 2000 hour billable requirement.  Note that that means 2000 hours billed, not 2000 hours worked.  Hitting it guarantees me a bonus and guarantees me my raise.  I think I will probably hit it before I go to NY a week from this Friday.  Does that mean I get the last week of the month off?  Hmm, probably not.  My goal is always to hit 2001, except I will probably go over by about 30 hours.  The thing is, there is no incentive to bill anything more than 2001 because I don't get anything extra until I hit 2100, and the money isn't worth the time when you start talking 2100 hours.  So, about 2030 or so it will be.

On the moving to NY front, things are looking positive.  But I am trying not to think about it because it could still fall through.  So more on that later.

The ticking clock

The deadline was December 12, 2007.  I decided when I had breast cancer, that if I could still have children after taking chemo drugs, which was a big if, that I would make the decision to have them or not have them by myself (since I have no significant other) by my one year anniversary of finishing treatment.  That was then.  It's now April of 2011, and although I am nearly certain that I can have children if I want to, I am no closer to making that decision than I was a few years ago.

I get tired of hearing that I have time.  I get really tired of hearing that.  But you are so young everyone says.  The reality is, you are lucky to still be fertile after taking chemo drugs.  And if you are, they warn you not to wait.  They tell you to have children sooner rather than later because you won't be fertile as long as you would have been.  And for how long you may be fertile is basically a mystery.  They also tell you that after taking chemo drugs, you will go through menopause roughly ten years earlier than your mother.  That calculation is concerning because my mother went through menopause relatively young.

So where does that leave me?  I don't know.  The clock is ticking on making this decision.  Some days I really want to and feel more emotional about it.  Other days I feel really rational about it and think it's simply an impossibility for me to have children on my own.  I mean, I watch two people do it together and it seems impossible.  There are days when I decide not to and days when I think I might regret it.  There are days when I am certain that it just simply isn't meant to be since I don't have a man in my life.  Day after day I change my mind.  And I wonder whether the fact that I can't commit means I would be a terrible mother.  My mother told me once that when it came to having children, she could have simply taken it or left it.  That my father was the one who wanted us.

This is an impossible decision.  How does one make an impossible, life altering, possibly regrettable, undoable decision.

Day of nothing or something?

I can't decide if I should do nothing today but lay on the couch all day and watch bad Lifetime movies that I have probably seen already, or whether I should get motivated, do things around the house, work a little bit, exercise, go to Target, and so on.  Either way though, I am really glad it is the weekend.  I needed it to be the weekend.

New York City here I come?

Status: approval pending.

The unintended consequences

There are always consequences to our behavior - to the decisions we make.  Sometimes unintended and unpredictable.  Sometimes we know and we ignore them or don't even consider them at all.  I have this little piece of paper taped to the shelf above my desk, right where I see it if I look up from my computer.  It says "it will not happen that way."  Because it never does.  Nothing does.  I make up all these crazy scenarios in my head, play them out to the end and then when comes right down to it, something else altogether happens.  Sometimes it is worse or better than predicted - it's just that it's never as predicted.

I pulled trigger number two almost a week ago on the moving to New York issue.  Trigger number two is the most important one because ultimately he is the one who has to make the transfer happen.  It did not go as predicted.  Not only that but I failed to consider the full extent of the consequences of my request.  I didn't even anticipate what they were.  All I was looking for was a relocation.  Kind of like moving to Michigan, which they refused to let me do.  Just do my job, from some where else.  It's no secret now that I would rather be doing my job from some where else.

I anticipated that there would be discussion, a dialogue amongst the key people, some convincing to be done, some throwing political weight around, a lot of concerns expressed, possibly being told no, follow-up discussions, questions about why, explanations about management.

That's not what I got.  By the day after I asked, I was told that the head of my practice group could pull it off.  Just like that.  Which isn't to say there won't be discussions and convincing to be done, and it's not a 100% guarantee, but just like that they said ok.

Not only did they say ok, but by the end of my discussion with the head of my group, he had talked himself right into being excited about it.  As soon as I said New York he immediately switched into political strategy mode, and it is obvious to me now that he is going to use this as an opportunity to further his own personal agenda for our group.  Which is fine I guess.  I mean he has to sell it to management some how.  His goal is to integrate the practice groups in New York and Chicago.  What a great way to do that by sending someone from Chicago out to New York.  And it makes good business sense from the perspective that there is a lot of opportunity to be had in New York.  Our competitors are in New York and we have no presence there.  It's an easy sell almost.

I will be the face of our practice group in New York, which is exciting in some ways, and scary in others.  Am I really ready to be that independent?  Do I really know what I am doing?  I mean I am getting awfully close to making partner and no doubt lacking confidence in myself.  And the question of whether I want it or not is a very open one.  At one time I wanted to make partner.  When I was right out of law school I wanted to do litigation and quickly realized that I did not and that regulatory compliance, the farthest thing you can get from being a litigator, was what I wanted to do.  And then I still wanted to make partner, and then I didn't.  And then I wanted to and then I wanted to leave for a company.  And since last August I have continued to want to leave for a company.  But if you knew you could make partner - you knew for sure you could make it if you just did x, y and z.  Wouldn't you go for it?  Even if you ultimately ended up leaving, would you take it if you knew you could get it first?  Would you be motivated to do x, y and z, all things you don't want to do, if you knew for certain that it would be absolutely no trouble to get it?  And what if when you get it, it isn't what you think it is but it's actually ok?  Isn't it better to get it and leave than to not know?  I am torn.  Some days I want it and some days I really don't, I just know that I am not ready.  That I know for sure.  I am not ready.

The unintended consequence that I failed to consider, that I didn't even think about, that I wasn't even aware of, is that this amounts to an advance in my career.  To be the face of our practice group in New York means a lot of things that I didn't consider.  In doing this, I have just accidentally propelled myself further down the path to making partner at lightening speed, and probably gotten myself into doing x,y and z.  Whoops. 

Pulling the trigger

I have made some major life decisions.  It makes me nervous but it is time for a change.  I have been living the same life for 5 years now and I am ready to move on.  I have been unhappy in my job and unhappy in Chicago.  My efforts to move back home have been, let's say, blocked by an asshole in management.  It seems rather unlikely at this point that the two partners I work for are going to be able to change their mind.  It's actually not just a matter of them not being able to, it is a matter of them being unwilling, for one reason or another, to try.  Because they could force the issue if they wanted to.  If they knew I had one foot out the door, perhaps they would.  If they had a clue that I will leave over it, they might view it differently.  But instead they blame it on a tax issue.  That's actually management's reason.  It causes a tax issue.

Well fuck them.

So I applied for that job in New York and they are taking their time to contact me.  I still feel pretty confident though that are going to.  But in the mean time, I have decided that I want to move to New York anyway.  I have a really close friend there and it is closer to my brother and his family in Vermont. I just don't want to stay here in Chicago.  I don't have any friends here.  I don't have any family here.  I don't have anything keeping me here.  I am ready to go.

But the question is, how do I get out of here.  It's not easy for me to find a job in my practice area at a company (other than this really awesome job that I applied for), and I wouldn't leave my firm for another firm because that doesn't make sense.  I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.  We have an office in New York.

When I told the partner I needed to talk to him and asked him to shut my door, I could see mild panic spread across his face.  He probably thought I was going to quit, and well, he should really be prepared for that.  Unfortunately, I am the one doing most of the work for the group, so although I don't want to sound overly important, when I do leave, they are really going to be in trouble.  They  might have thought of that sooner.  Before they pissed me off enough to leave.  It's a combo of factors that make me unhappy at my job, not worth going into.

But anyway, I pulled the trigger.  I decided to move forward and not look back.  I requested a transfer.

The two day diet

So I have been doing this diet since last fall.  I use the word "doing" loosely.  Last fall I did the diet for a month and lost 6 pounds.  Then I went off of it for Thanksgiving through New Years and gained 4 pounds.  Then I half-assed it and lost 5 pounds.  Then I gained two, lost two and gained one.  Maybe I am just gaining and losing water at this point.  Anyway, I have been trying like hell to get back on it.  But every day I end up telling myself tomorrow is a new day.  I can always start over tomorrow.  I never make it past day 2.  No wonder it isn't working.  I usually make it through day 2, cheat on day 3 and start over on day 1.  Sometimes I cheat for two days.  Nothing magical happens in 2 days.  It isn't really a 2 day diet.  You don't suddenly drop a bunch of weight in 2 days, you just end up really hungry.  I wake up starving and then cave when I get to the office, eating a chocolate croissant and drinking a chai latte.  I am trying to decide whether to continue.  I am thin already but I have gained weight.  I want to get back to the weight I was a couple of years ago because I just can't get rid of the pants that don't fit.

Dreaming of a spa vacation

I had decided to take a year off from the spa.  I thought maybe 4 years in a row going to Miraval was maybe excessive.  I can't resist though.  I just have to go.  I know it might not make a lot of sense to go to the same place every year.  Why would I possibly want to go to the same resort spa year after year after year.  Every year though is such a different experience.  And I always leave there feeling like there was so much I missed and so much more I could have taken advantage of.

The first three years I went alone - which is nice in a lot of ways.  But this year I hope that a very close friend of mine is going to come with me.  The place is just amazing and it will be so much more fabulous to get to go with someone.  I can't wait.

We are hoping that this job will come through and that this will be a celebration trip.  If it's not a celebration trip (well I don't know what I am going to do if I am stuck in my job), at least it will be a break.

Nothing new on the job front by the way.  Still waiting to her about this job I applied for.  The status on my profile hasn't changed and I am worried that they some how overlooked me.  I hope not.  Keep those fingers crossed.

To work or not to work

That is always the question on Sunday.  There is the issue of needing to bill hours and every little 6 minutes count.  There is also the issue of my work load being so huge (30 active projects right now) that I need the time just to catch up even a little bit.  I hate it though.  I really feel like I need my weekends free to be okay and face the week ahead.  So I'm torn over what to do today.

Today is a good day because there is nothing that I have to do.  Except I would like to do elliptical at some point.  But there is nothing that I have to do.  Not laundry, not clean.  Nothing.  I actually managed to sleep in until 10 which is completely unheard of.  I was out late last night but usually that doesn't matter, I still can't sleep past 7.  I feel like I am getting a late start and can't get moving.  I'm usually most productive between like 7 and 12 if I get going early enough.

Anyway, I am just rambling.  Just trying to decide what to do about work.

Ok, more later today - more about my work dilemma.

Status check:

Same.  Ugh.

Status:

Submitted but not yet reviewed.

Snow day

Management officially closed the office tomorrow because of the huge snow storm that we are getting.  Too bad snow day just means I get to work from home.  I am actually more productive in the office.

Also, no word on the job but then again, it's only been two days.  I hate the waiting.

Maybe, just maybe

Hi folks.  I know I didn't really post in the month of January, but hopefully I'm back.  I didn't post mainly because I had nothing to say.  The year is off to a so so start.  I guess I have no complaints really, other than about work, so I won't bother to go there.  Except to say that it is crunch time on hours again, trying to cram enough in at the end to hit 2000 by April 30th.  I really don't like this time of year.  It's very stressful and it feels like I just went through this.  Wow how time flies.  Last year I missed the mark by 40 hours.  I probably could have hit it, but I basically knew I was going to miss it so I didn't give it that extra push.  Coming in 40 hours under looks better than 5.  This year I basically have no choice but to hit it.  I don't really know what will happen if I don't hit it (honestly probably nothing because my job security is so good), but I've basically been told that I have to hit, though not in those words.  Unless...

I've been job searching, though barely.  I've made decisions about what I want and it's time to try to execute on those decisions.  There was a job that I applied for last August that I really wanted.  I don't remember if I mentioned it.  Anyway, the only thing I can tell you is that it's in New York and it's for a major TV network.  I can't tell you anything else about it because if I do, and I manage, by some miracle to get it, you might be able to track me down in real life.  It's a great job though, perfect for my background and experience.  It really feels like an opportunity of a life time when it comes to making a transition out of law firm life and into an in house counsel position.  I'm not sure I could dream up a better opportunity than this one.  Of course I am sure there will be other positions out there, but unfortunately, the area of law that I do is so specialized that an opportunity like this one is hard to come by.  So it feels huge.

So I applied last August and I heard nothing, not even a rejection, so I figured they hired someone and moved on.  I basically gave up on it after a couple of months, though I was annoyed that I didn't get a rejection letter.  How rude.  Well, I got an email yesterday that the position had been put on hold pending a corporate restructuring, and now that such process is over, they have just reopened the position.  The email said I should submit an updated resume through the new recruiting system.  I wonder if they emailed everyone who applied asking for them to resubmit their information, or if they perhaps did some pre-screening of the resumes?  Needless to say, I am beyond excited to find out that the position is open and that I still have a shot.

I have some recent really great experience to update my resume with.  Remember that special project that I was forced to do that I complained about - well it's perfect experience for this job.  What a fortunate coincidence.  My current position matches the job description exactly.  I feel like if I could just get an interview, I might stand a shot at it.  I really want this job badly.  I have another lead on another in house position which would be located in Chicago.  I have mixed feelings about that one but it's probably worth exploring.

Anyway, I can hardly contain my excitement about this.  Tonight I am going to update my resume, make sure every last word is prefect and send it off.  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  Something about this whole thing just feels right.

I tried

I tried on Friday to make it home for the memorial service but the weather didn't cooperate.  In fact, I spent 3 hours in the car and I managed to get no where.   At the border of Michigan and Indiana I decided to turn back because the blizzard was pretty bad and my dad said it was snowing all the way to Ann Arbor.  I feel bad but I think turning around was the right thing to do.

I know I haven't posted much lately, there hasn't been much going on.  A special project at work that I was forced to work on since October 27th is ending next week on the 19th.  Thank god.  The whole experience has been miserable but I can't exactly tell the partner that.  He asks on occasion whether it has been a worthwhile experience and I can't tell him what I really think.  I just have to nod and say yes and agree with him when the truth is, I don't agree with him at all.  It has cost me hundreds of dollars out of my own pocket that is not being reimbursed by the firm and a countless amount of time.  I have tried really hard not to say anything about it here and to not complain about it at all.  I think I succeeded at that by not posting much at all.

I will be celebrating on he 19th, some how.

Playing hooky

No matter how many days I have gotten off work in the past month, I can't seem to get motivated.  I had more than a few days off in the month of December right up through New Years and it just doesn't seem to be enough.  Usually after time off I feel like I have renewed energy and I feel ready to get back into things again.  Not so this year.

And then came the dreaded raise.  It was a great raise, but I always dread raise time because rather than enjoying it and feeling like I deserve it, I find a way to feel guilty and bad about it.  Do I have to work harder now that I got it, or is this like a reward for past behavior?  I haven't figured it out.

But anyway, about the time off.  I'm kind of doing a bad thing.  I am supposed to go to Michigan tomorrow to attend a memorial for a family member who passed away in the fall.  It looks like the weather isn't going to cooperate with the drive which means I might not make it.  It also means I am off tomorrow.  My colleague is having to do a presentation for a client that I would have had to do were it not for this day off.  And rather than changing the plans last minute and going to the client with her, or instead of going into the office and actually working which I should do, I am going to get a pedicure.

I know, I'm a terrible person.