Best Christmas ever

So I went to New York for Christmas to visit my very good friend Nina.  We had brunch with her brother and his family and we were talking about what our best Christmas ever was growing up.  I couldn't think of a single one.  One of the people at brunch seemed slightly shocked at this.  But what could I say, how could I explain that for me there is no such thing as a best Christmas ever.

Well, until now.  This year, is my best Christmas ever.

Christmas Day

I don't remember much about Christmas Day when we were kids.  I just remember that it went by quickly, too quickly.  I always thought as an adult that Christmas should really be more of a day than an hour.

Anyway, it's Christmas morning and I am ready to leave for the airport.  I am ready early because I have been up since 4.  I just couldn't sleep.  Whenever I travel I don't sleep well the night before.  I don't know if it's some kind of subconscious fear that the alarm won't go off, or just the general anxiety that traveling causes me.  Either way, I've been up and I'm ready to go, but my cab isn't  coming for another 25 minutes.

It's really windy here and we've had some rain, no snow though.  It's actually pretty warm.

Chicago feels so small compared to NY where I am headed.  I feel sort of overwhelmed.  Going to a place so huge and where I don't know my way around, sort of overwhelms me.

Of course I am having the debate with myself about whether or not to work while on this little "vacation."  That's a whole other issue because come January 4, I have a decision to make.  Bust my ass for 2000 hours, or accept that I am not going to hit 2000 and oh well for the people who want me to.  I guess I have the excuse that we have had slow spots in the past 12 months, but really I've been pretty consistently busy.

Anyway, okay I am going to finishing getting ready.

See you after Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Christmas Eve

I meant to post after my visit home that everything turned out fine.  All of the anxiety... for nothing really.  I got to see the people that I wanted to see and, well, even a few I didn't want to see.  But overall it was a nice trip home.  I wasn't done with Christmas shopping and I'm still not - so I guess I will be sending presents late this year.  I just wasn't into it for some reason.  Nothing feels Christmasy to me.

Although, I'm feeling a little bit of that Christmas Eve sadness, being that I am home completely alone.  It's not fair to say that I have no where to go because I am of course invited to my cousin's house on my dad's side of the family to celebrate Christmas Eve.  So I made a conscious choice not to go.  And I am confident that it was the right one.  It's just not where I want to be.  There is no where that I want to be really.

It just means that I am here alone on Christmas Eve and I would be alone tomorrow too except that I am going to New York city to visit a very good friend.  I'm sad though that I don't have what my brother has.  He is surrounded by my sister-in-laws really nice family for Christmas.  He has a place where he belongs.  I don't belong anywhere.

So today for Christmas Eve I went out shopping because I needed a different wallet for taking to NY because I want to be able to stick it in my inside coat pocket and not carry a purse around.  Also, I was going to buy the coffee pot, but they were out of it.  Drat.

Then I went to Costco and wandered around.  They had a version of the coffee pot but it wasn't the right one.

Then I came home and did a massive cleaning of the master bathroom and completely reorganized my extra bedroom closet so I would have more storage space.  I have an entire side of the close freed up.  Yay.  Now I need to reorg the pantry.

Then I played Monopoly on my iPod and lost, loaded my music on it.  And now I am posting.

Oh, and I started packing for tomorrow.

Happy holidays!

Happy 4 year anniversary to me!

Go me!

Maybe we will just call it...

Maybe we will justify the ipod by calling it a happy birthday to me present (for my anniversary which is tomorrow....)

Yet I left without the coffee pot

I went a little crazy yesterday and bought an ipod touch.  I am not sure how I justified that when I refuse to spend the money on the coffee pot.  I admit, it was an impulse purchase but I was going to get a new ipod anyway and my friend that I was shopping with convinced me that if I was going to get a new one anyway, I might as well get the touch.  So, I did.  But I still don't want to spend the money on the coffee pot.

So I decided to say what the hell

Despite the fact that coming here causes me terrible anxiety - I've decided to say what the hell and have a good time anyway.

What does that look like, um, well, spending a lot of money apparently is what that looked like today... more later...

175 miles to go...

It is 175 miles from the border of Indiana and Michigan to Ann Arbor.

Every time, every single time I come here, I set out with the idea that it's like the best idea ever.  Like I can't wait because it's been 6 months since I've been "home."  And every time I get here I want to turn right back around and drive back to Chicago.  I just can't wait to get home... and what... be filled with nearly uncontrollable anxiety.

What crazy part of me thinks that moving back here is actually a good idea.  I have this good friend and she is supposed to remind me every time I mention Michigan that I feel like shit every time I come here.  And every time she reminds me and every time I think it is going to be different.

And then it is just the same.  Every time.

Preparations

When I go out of town it is very much kind of an ordeal.  It's not like I just pack and go, it requires preparations.  I can't even really describe what I mean.  It just takes effort to get ready.  Like an OCD thing.

Tomorrow I am going to Michigan.  The place where I feel the most at home, since, well, it's my original home, but also the place that seems to cause me the greatest anxiety.

It is my anniversary weekend, with my anniversary being on Monday.  And I intend to celebrate it this year because even though it seems like a nothing anniversary, it is actually extremely unlikely that I would still be sober.

Anyway, so tomorrow I'm off and I will try to post from Michigan if I can find some free time.  My closest friends are there so my time fills up quickly.  See you from Michigan...

Oh how bad I want the coffee pot

I am sitting here selecting all the coffee flavors that I would buy if I only had the coffee pot.  I might wait until after Christmas and see if some store has a sale on the Elite.

I want this coffee pot

I want this coffee pot.  I am kind of obsessed in my head with having one... but this is where I am kind of messed up.  Because I want the coffee pot really badly, but I feel guilty buying it for myself.  I'll buy presents for all sorts of other people, I'll even spend thousands of dollars to go on a vacation, without feeling the least bit of guilt whatsoever - but a coffee pot for myself - no can do.  I even decided to make my New York trip over Christmas a mini-vacation instead of a cheap trip.  But the coffee pot, just seems a bit too pricey.

Never in my life have I had a pharmacy fuck up

Never in my life have I had a pharmacy fuck up a prescription.  It's just never happened.  And because it's never happened, I don't stand there at the pharmacy counter every time I pick up meds and force them to recount every single one of my prescriptions while I watch.

Well folks, that is exactly what I am going to do from now on.  I am going to force them to recount this prescription while I watch.  Every single fucking time I pick it up.

This new drug that I am on, they accidentally gave me 30 instead of 60 and I didn't realize it before leaving the pharmacy - because duh - why would I have.  And now that I have since realized it they won't fix it because of course I am lying and overdosing on it since, you know, they double count everything therefore I am clearly lying.  Of course I am.  It can't possibly be their fault.

And what pisses me off is that this was the pharmacy's mistake, yet I am quite sure he just thinks I am lying.  Because how could the pharmacy fuck up anything.

I doubt it happens very often but they fucked up.  A friend's theory is that a pharmacy technician actually stole it because it has street value.  Could be.

Now I am fucked because I am out of it - silly me thinking when my doctor called me in a new script for it - which she did - that they would fill it.  Well they refused to and now I can't get my doctor on the phone and she is out on Friday and so on.

Yes, I should have done something about this sooner.  I fully admit that.  But this was not my fault.

A mini vacation or a cheap trip?

I have no real plans for Christmas this year.  I'm not going home to visit family.  I usually feel sorry for myself because I have no where to go for Christmas and it's usually pretty depressing.  On some years my brother and sister-in-law are in Michigan and then I have somewhere to be.  But now that they are living in Vermont, I am not sure how often they will make the trip home, or whether there will be room for me to visit them around the holidays.  I am just not sure how things are going to turn out.  But it's possible that I could spend a lot of holidays alone going forward.

I shouldn't even really say that I have no where to go for Christmas because it isn't entirely the truth.  It is true that I have no where to spend Christmas day, but my dad's family gets together to celebrate Christmas Eve. The thing about it is, I don't enjoy it when I go, so why put myself though it.  Going feels like more of a chore, like an obligation, and all the way home is a long way to go for, well, basically nothing.  Besides, the people that I want to see, I can see when I go home next weekend for my anniversary.  This year I don't' feel bad about it.  I recognize that I am making a conscious choice to spend the holiday alone. It just doesn't make sense to go home for Christmas this year.

But instead I am taking a trip.  I am going to stay home Christmas Eve and then I am going to go to New York city on Christmas to visit a good friend.  I am going to go on Christmas and come home on the following Tuesday.  Now I am just trying to decide whether to stay in a nice hotel and make it like a mini nice vacation, or whether to make it a cheap trip. At this point I could go either way, the plane ticket is only $152 dollars.  I can't decide but right now I am leaning toward mini vacation.

A post without a title

 So I am in Vermont for Thanksgiving visiting my brother and his family.  My dad came out here also from Michigan.  For the longest time I saw my dad as the same.  Most of my adulthood he seemed to be unchanging.  This visit, for some reason, is the first time I have seen him as getting older.  I guess I just didn't notice it until now.  It's like not noticing yourself getting older and feeling the same from year to year and then one day you just notice it happening.  I don't see my dad that often so maybe it is not surprising that I would notice the differences.  Anyway, it is bothering me for some reason.

It just makes me think of all the years that have gone by and all the things that have happened, good and bad.  No, I am not old, but a lot of time has passed f you think about it.  My life is not the way I ever imagined it would be.  And no, it isn't better than the life I imagined for myself.  I can't say it is worse because I don't know the difference.  What do I have to compare it to really?  I've been told that you shouldn't compare your life and your feeliings to the external circumstances of another person's life because you don't actually know what their real experience is.  I get that.  People do that to me all the time and say what a great life I have because look at my job etc.  If only they knew what the inside feels like.

The point is, my life, it's not what I wanted.  Is anyone's?  I am not at the place that I wanted to be at this particular moment in my life.  It doesn't look the way I thought it would look and I have only one of the things that I had wanted out of my life and I don't even want it anymore.  I would trade that one thing in for everything that I am missing.  Even if the things that I once thought I wanted were to happen to me, the possibility of the life I thought I wanted is gone.  It's simply an impossibility.  You might wonder whether what I wanted out of my life has changed over the past 10 years, and I can tell you that it hasn't.  Hardly at all really.  The time that you lose - you don't get that back. 

I can't figure out how I got here, right here, to this particular moment, and where I went so terribly wrong.

Maybe because it's that time of year again

I don't mean the holidays.

I mean my AA anniversary.  It's coming up.  You will often hear people say that some people "get weird" around their anniversary.  I'm not sure what I feel exactly, but I feel something.  I remember the first meeting that I went to like it was yesterday.  I remember where I sat, I remember saying my  name, I remember the things that people said to me.  I remember all of it.  It wasn't a blur to me.  I went back the next day, but I didn't go back because I thought I had a problem with alcohol.  I went back because someone said to me, "if you can change your attitude, it will change your life."  How true that would turn out to be.  I can't say that I remember it on most days, but I think of it this time of year and I wonder what happened to the guy who said it who didn't stay sober.  What I will always love about a meeting is that you never know who will say the thing that saves your life that day.  It can be anyone.  For me it is often unexpected.  All I knew at the time when I went back was that these people knew something about how to live life, and I needed to know what it was.

I remember my first anniversary like it was yesterday as well because it meant a lot of things.  Among others, it meant that I had survived breast cancer.  And I remember the first time I spoke at a meeting.  I remember sitting in a room of people and having someone say, of all of you here - only one will stay sober.  I remember how shocking the statistics were to me.  And every time I walk into a meeting, I think how amazing it is that we are all there.

I like to go home every year for my anniversary, back to Michigan, and so far I have.  So this year, for my 4th anniversary, I will do the same.  I like to go back and see the people who were there the day I showed up.  The sad part is that so many of the people are not there.  But I always look forward to seeing Bruce and Bruce and some of the other regulars and people with a lot of time.  The people who saw me change into someone else.

I will always feel more at home at those meetings than anywhere.

Restless among other things

I'm extremely restless today.  Trying to figure out what to do, bored of sitting here, bored of trying to figure it out.  I tried to clean but that didn't hold my attention very long.  I packed my clothes for my trip on Tuesday, made sure everything would fit in a quart sized bag (I hate that restriction), packed everything else that I could.  I worked today for about 3 hours and yesterday for 5.  Amazingly, it didn't make me as angry to work some this weekend - not like it usually does.  I was working to try to make tomorrow go more smoothly and to try to make next week work out okay.  I can't help but think though that it will probably fail.  I have two deadlines threatening my days off.  I have to hope that the client remembers that it is Thanksgiving weekend, duh, and moves the deadline.

I am going to vermont on Tuesday to visit my brother and his family for the holiday.  I am really looking forward to it and looking forward to a break from work.  Going to visit them in Vermont is a lot different than going to visit them in Michigan was.  In Michigan I have other friends, other people to see, other things to do and squeeze in.  I always felt like I was running around to cram it all in.  It's much different going to Vermont, because I have nothing else to do but hang out.  I have a feeling it will be a lot more relaxing.

I am hoping to go climb while I am there on Friday or Saturday.  There is a nice climbing gym near my brother's work so I am taking my shoes.  I'm thinking of buying my own harness, not before this weekend though.  To my shock, my dad has mentioned my climbing and indicated that he would try it.  Now granted he does play volleyball once a week - but climb, not so sure I can picture this.  I can't actually picture him playing volleyball either.

Anyway, my brother mentioned christmas trees and cookie decorating, which you may know is one of my favorite things to do.  I absolutely love decorating cookies.

Now, I am going to go look for something to do.

Okay, maybe not completely cured

I had a follow-up with my oncologist today.  I hadn't bothered to mention it.  If you were here in July you remember that when I had a mammogram I had to park on the fifth floor.  That was the rule, park on the fifth floor and the mammogram will be clear.  I admit it, I parked on the fifth floor today.  So maybe that was a little OCD.

An unintended benefit

I'm trying a new drug.  Well not new, but new to me.  I've never tried this one before.  This past year and a half has been one long experiment in trying to make me less miserable - trying drugs, trying doses, trying combinations, other combinations, times of day etc.  I think we might have found the magic pill.  But I am not going to stop taking the other meds that I'm on, because maybe it is only magical in combination.

Anyway, not only do I have no anxiety all day, and feel almost no stress, I am not feeling OCD either.  This drug was definitely not for OCD.  All along I have felt like taking meds has helped the OCD and then I get stressed out and it creeps back in.  This drug seems to have virtually eliminated it.  This morning I didn't have to stand in front of my stove for like minutes proving to myself that it was actually off - because duh, I haven't used it in weeks, of course it is off.  I know, a minor accomplishment right, but it's huge really.  I didn't have to eat dinner with a particular fork in order to have work tomorrow not be terrible, or worry about which outlet my computer is plugged in to.  I know, I am giving away all of my weird behaviors.

This is definitely an unintended benefit but I'll take it.  And I hope it lasts.  I'm feeling noticeably better on this drug.  It makes me nervous to take it because some versions of it are addictive, but my doctor is not worried about the one she put me on.  For now, I am going to just roll with it and see how it goes.

An old high

I did it!  I made it to my old sticking point on the wall and it felt awesome.  Sometimes you just have an off day and don't climb as well, but today I felt like I climbed great.  Now, to get past my sticking point - Thursday.  I've scheduled that for Thursday.

Without fail

It happens every time without fail.  A holiday is coming up, a vacation or even just a couple of days off and bam, work explodes.  Things could be painfully slow and it just explodes right before I am about to take a few days off.  Every time.  And then I end up not being able to take the days off.  Mostly because I feel guilty - so I think this is my problem and not because work makes me feel that way.  I work while on vacation or I work from wherever I am.  Work has been crazy out of control for like three weeks.  I have been so far behind and finally, finally by Friday of this week I felt on top of things and like I am almost caught up.  This is the first weekend in a long time that I haven't felt like I needed to work, at least a little.  And I am really looking forward to having a few days off.

I am going to Vermont for the Thanksgiving holiday with my dad to see my brother and his family.  I am taking the Tuesday and Wednesday before Thanksgiving off.  Or so I thought.  That was the plan.  Until I volunteered to work on Tuesday while I travel (that part is my own fault - why do I do that?).  But Wednesday was definitely going to be a day off and I am definitely not working over the holiday weekend.  Absolutely not.

And then the partner told me there is a project and the deadline is threatening my holiday.  But I am not letting it happen, not this time.

And, because I am caught up and because the partner is out Monday through Wednesday of next week, I decided I would leave at 4:30 on Tuesday so I could go climb before everyone else gets there and try to get to my old sticking point.  Just to have a chance to climb without everyone watching me.  I feel self conscious about my climbing for some reason.  Well I checked my email last night because my blackberry just would not stop going off.  Of course, there is an emergency due Tuesday.  Ugh.

Did I say I was going to be less negative?  Maybe later.

Frustrating

I'm just plain exhausted.  This week has exhausted me.  I was playing catch up all week at work, just trying to get back on track and now I am just tired.  And I climbed like shit.   More tomorrow...

First time back

Yesterday was my first day back to climbing.  It was kind of disappointing.  I couldn't climb as high and today I'm sore.  I guess it makes sense that I would have lost some muscle tone after 10 weeks off.  As it turned out though, my foot was fine.  On my first climb I found myself being really careful about my toe.  Trying not to put too much pressure on it which is basically impossible.  My mind was on my toe, not my climbing.  The second climb was a much better climb because I was focused on my climbing.  Still disappointing though since I couldn't climb as high.  Oh well though, there is always next time.

A new face a new name

Hi folks. It's still me. My blog needed a face lift anyway and I had to move it in kind of a hurry. There was a breach of my anonymity, kind of a big one, which was seemingly the unthinkable, but also partially my own fault. Anyway, so here we are, new but the same. Hopefully new in some ways.  My life has changed so much since I started writing a blog.  I hope this can evolve a little into something maybe less negative and more interesting.  We'll see.  Thanks to my cousin for providing my blog with a new name and a quote for the moment.

I think I feel safe here, tucked away in my own little corner of the Internet.  I hope.

Soon but not yet

I saw my foot doctor on Friday and she said that rock climbing will be fine and I won't damage what she fixed by climbing. So that's good news! She said the scar will improve as the stitches inside continue to dissolve, but I am not that worried about that. I'm just glad that I can walk without being in pain.

A success

I am happy to report that the surgery I had on my foot seems to be a success. The joint no longer hurts when I walk. That being said, I do have numbness in my foot (part of the ball of my foot and 3 toes) which my doctor says makes no sense because the numbness is no where near the incision site. That's such a great response to get from a doctor. We concluded that it's from the swelling pushing on certain nerves. It takes a long time for the swelling to go away so I guess I accept that as a possible answer. But we will see what she says Friday when I go back for my 6 week follow-up and I tell her that none of the feeling has come back.

Last week the ball of my foot hurt really badly to walk, this week it feels okay, maybe just a little weird from the numbness. And it feels strange to walk around barefoot because that is when the lack of feeling is most noticeable. Plus I haven't walked around barefoot in nearly 6 weeks. The first few steps out of bed are extremely painful (but maybe that is normal stiffness? Not sure.) but then it improves. But overall I am glad I had the surgery even though I really didn't want to do it.

My only worry is rock climbing. Like when I can go back to it and will I damage what she fixed by doing it. I'm a little worried about the answer. There are screws in there so you would think I wouldn't damage it by climbing but who knows.

Is it obvious that I have nothing to do at work.

Why I feel so desperate

I had a discouraging conversation with a colleague at work about moving. It's someone that I trust completely not to say anything. The thing is, as I expected, she had no idea what the reaction will be. It was not helpful and also discouraging. I guess I wasn't really expecting it to be helpful, though it would have been nice to hear something positive. Not that she discouraged me from doing it, it was just that the conversation was discouraging. There are factors I am not considering, because I am so desperate to move, which my colleague pointed out. Factors like my hours and the ability or inability to hit them, the economy, the fact that one person in our group (her) already telecommutes, the fact that management has to approve it even if the two people I work for say okay. At least on that front I can say that the head of my practice group has my back. He would stand up for me, if he is okay with it that is. But he would stand up for me regardless if something happens around here (like more lay offs etc.). I know he would. I am pretty sure he is the reason that I didn't take a pay cut in April. And then there is the issue of timing, perhaps the most important of all. These things I am not considering.

I feel desperate about this and that is not a good way to go into it. It's not good to formulate a plan out of desperation but I feel like that is what I am doing. I feel so desperate that I am getting ready to lay it all on the line. After the conversation I had today with my colleague, I really have to take a step back and put some thought into how exactly to best go about this in order to achieve the outcome that I want without damaging my working relationships with these people. Because I do after all want to keep this job despite any complaining I may do about it.

But the way that I think about this is the way that I think about most things. If I find out I have cancer again tomorrow, what will I have wished or what would I have done differently? I think about nearly everything this way. Maybe I will post a list one day of the things that I would have done differently and then I'll go ahead and do them (you know, since I am lucky enough to have the possibility to actually change those things). Anyway, I think anyone who has been through what I have been through, and early in life, probably looks at life through that lens now and then. If I find out I have cancer again tomorrow, I will have wished that I had spent more time with family and my closest friends, who happen to be not in Chicago. I will have wished that my job was not the centerpiece of my life and that I actually had a life. I will have wished I had been happy. That's the real kicker for me. I have wasted so much time being unhappy. This is how I figure out in advance what my regrets will be, by asking the question of what I would have done if I had only had the opportunity. I've never been able to escape the idea that I will get cancer again no matter what my doctor says. I can't escape it. My time is limited. I know we all know that, but I know it in a way that a lot of people don't understand. It makes me feel desperate and sad. It's not okay for me to stay in Chicago and continue to be unhappy. It just isn't. I have to make this happen or I will regret tremendously the time that I lost. Time that would have really meant something to me.

I'm going a little crazy with boredom

This weekend I decided to do a whole lot of nothing because by Friday, my foot was really in pretty bad shape from walking around the office all week every day. Well, I am going crazy with boredom and anxiety right now. This is the downside of being as introverted as I am. This one moment when I actually need someone to talk to, which happens, um, almost never, I have no one to call.

A job but not a life

I have been thinking about my life here in Chicago, or lack thereof, since I want to move out of here. And I realized, I have a job here, but not a life. I don't even have rock climbing these days because of the surgery on my foot. I used to have more of a life here, but it was work to maintain it and I sort of let it slip away.... I just don't go to as many meetings as I used to and I don't spend time with the people I used to spend time with. I haven't put effort into staying in touch with them. I've tried to think about the possibility of work saying no, you can't move, and what I would do since I probably wouldn't be able to find another job. I wonder if I could find a way to be happy here. I guess the answer to that is I would have to. I know some people would label this taking the geographic cure and wherever you go there you are and blah blah. But that isn't what this is.

Right now the focus of my life is my job. That's all I have really. It's all I have and it's not even what I want it to be. I have no real life to speak of. I want to have a life and then have my job, the significance of which would be diminished and perhaps it would be more enjoyable that way. The thing is though, I want to have that life somewhere else. I imagine going back to Ann Arbor, which has its definite downsides, and I would instantly have a lot more of a life than I have here. It's like I have this already made life there that I have managed to hang on to enough that I could fit right back into it as if I never left. Going to Vermont would be a little more like here in that I would only have my brother and sister-in-law and would basically have to make a life, which is, well, what I am having a hard time doing here. So would I be able to pull it off there and would it make me happy? I have no way of knowing in advance I guess.

I'm so torn over where to go and what to do and how quickly to try to make the move. Ann Arbor makes the most sense but I wonder if there are too many demons there. I miss it though. There are things about it that I miss. I never in a million years thought I would be going back there, like ever. Vermont on the other hand would be like a whole new world and I am not sure I have it in me to start over again.

$101.94

Darn it. I almost made it out of Target without going over $100. I don't know what it is but I can never get out of Target under $100. And, I forgot one of the very things I went there for. Ugh.

I'm on a drug for that

I wish I wrote a happy blog where I found cool and fun things to do and then wrote about them. But I don't.

I'm stagnating. I'm not moving forward or backward. I'm just not moving at all.

I feel depressed lately. By lately I mean in the past week or so. I've been sleeping more than normal. I've been sleeping like I slept when I first started taking meds which I thought was probably just an adjustment period. But how can I be depressed? I am on a drug for that. That drug keeps me up all night so I am also on a drug for that. And, I'm on another drug to keep me from cleaning my entire house top to bottom in 2 hours including scrubbing the bathroom floor with a toothbrush just because it's FUN!! That drug kind of takes the happiness away, sort of. And then I have a drug for anxiety if I don't want to feel that because God forbid I ever feel anything. I guess I am still OCD though, so at least I have that. I'm not on a drug for that.

Re-entry

I should have known that coming back to work after working at home for a month was going to be difficult. It was difficult even after vacation. Extremely difficult after my medical leave. But what I didn't really know was that I was going to hate it quite so much. I don't like the office environment. At all.

Don't get me wrong of course, I am grateful for my job.

That being said, I am not happy with it. I feel like a broken record since I have been over this before.

But it's on my mind because I just had my annual review. Which went fine. I get the same comments I get every year which amount to keep up the good work and oh by the way you should find some time to write some articles. Uh, yeah right.

See they have this plan for me that I am going to make partner at some point and slowly over the years that has become the exact opposite of my plan.

My plan, as you know, is to move away from here but keep this job. Telecommute, cut my hours back and basically hang out until a decision has to be made about whether I will make partner. At which point I will hopefully keep my job and be whatever you call the people who don't make partner but want to stick around. I would be perfectly happy if I never made a penny more than I do right now. If I could just freeze myself in this job right now, except in another location, that would be perfect.

I can assure you that I probably won't be able to make partner if I continue to refuse to write articles, which is what I fully intend to do. For the third year in a row I have been told to write articles and I am just going to not do it. I do have a half written article (that I am not going to finish) and I did write a short form of an article which we call an alert and it never got published. So why bother. I am supposed to be writing articles in my spare time. What spare time? It takes all the time that I have to try to bill 2000 hours.

My spare time these days is being taken up by trying to figure out where to move too. Vermont where my brother and sister-in-law live (which I guess I feel a little weird following them out there), or back to Ann Arbor where I'm from. Hmm. I can't decide.

My obsessive personality

I have an obsessive personality. If I get an idea in my head, to either do something, get something or fix something, I can't get it out of my head until it is done, fixed or gotten. I've been borrowing (stealing) Internet from the neighbor because my router broke. I don't know when it broke exactly but it was a little while ago. It was at least a few weeks that I was borrowing access because that's how I was connected for work, through the neighbor... until the neighbor's Internet went down and didn't come back up... on Friday when I was supposed to be working. Inconsistent access to the Internet is not an option. What did we do before the Internet and instant messaging? I freak out when my Internet goes down, even if it is briefly.

I basically did no work on Friday because I was fighting with the Internet all day, trying get on some other neighbor's connection and it just wasn't working. I also need the Internet to connect to the tivo to download the program information. I borrowed the neighbor's Internet for that also. So while I could have waited until next weekend for a new router, and I could have waited to set it up, it had to be bought and hooked up immediately. It could have waited because I have a backup Internet card, but still, it was urgent.

I spent all day getting the router and making it work with both computers and the tivo. It required a call to my Internet provider and a call to Apple to get the thing to work and a lot of frustration. But, finally, we are online again! And I just need to think of the next thing to obsess over!

Back to work

I keep meaning to post but I don't have anything to post about. I think my days of working at home are coming to a close. I am probably going back to the office on Monday because I can now wear sneakers fairly successfully all day. That just means that the pain is tolerable, but it still hurts. My joint doesn't hurt anymore though from what I can tell. It's a different kind of pain and hopefully normal and temporary.

The first week of working at home went very unproductively (because I was working on the couch in front of the TV) but the past three have gone just fine, making me feel more and more like moving and working from home would be a good option. I don't miss the chaos and stress of the office. I don't miss freaking out about what time I am going to be able to le

ave. I don't miss having to get ready every day. I think moving and working from home is probably the best thing I could do for myself. The question of where to move though remains unanswered as of right now.

And of course, I need to get work to agree to it. I don't think this will be

a problem. They won't love it, but I think they will let me do it. I am lucky that it is pretty impossible to replace me and that the partner would have a heart attack if I quit. I am in a pretty good spot as far as that goes. I think they would probably rather let me move than have me quit.

Anyway, the cat is certainly going to miss me working at home.

I quit!

I wish. I am starting to really like this working at home thing. Like I mentioned the last time, my stress level is significantly lower when I work at home. My bipolar issues, which are, more often than I would like, triggered by work, are all but gone. I feel like a different person. I feel happier. The office was making me miserable and I didn't even really realize just how miserable until being forced to work at home because of foot surgery.

I wish that I could continue to work at home indefinitely but there is no way I am going to be able to. There is no way they will let me. I feel like calling up HR and just saying look, I am not coming back to the office. Except that's basically like quitting my job which I can't really do. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have a job and all that, it's just that my job is making me unhappy and it has been for a while. I like the actual work okay, I just don't like the office environment, the stress, or what it does to me.

The only way they will let me telecommute permanently is if I move away from Chicago. So, I am going to move.

I just don't know where to yet.

Post Op

I had intended to post after having surgery, and to post more regularly, however, obviously that hasn't happened. Things are going okay as far as my foot surgery goes. The doctor said it went well and my toe is now lined up perfectly. So far though, it still hurts. I have some days where it feels perfectly fine, and other days, like today, where it just aches. I have to think this is temporary. I hope. It's only been a week and a half. I am working from home because my doctor told me I could walk on it but to limit my walking and keep it elevated and iced. I can't very well do that from the office. Plus, it's my right foot so I can't drive and would have to take a cab back and forth to work. I kind of don't want to spend the money on that, or put my foot through walking to get a cab etc. It is going to be another few weeks, before I can wear sneakers, so I am going to work at home until then.

Working at home is going ok. I admit, the first week felt like a vacation. I worked while sitting on the couch watching tv. Needless to say, I billed hardly any hours. But I was able to keep my foot elevated so I think that was good. This week feels more like a normal work week. I am working at my desk in the extra bedroom with the tv off. Right now I am actually on the most boring conference call. Anyway, it's kind of amazing how less stressful everything is working at home. The deadlines don't get me all worked up. The partner isn't after me at the last minute for stuff. The cat is laying right on top of my arm as I am trying to type though.



I'll post more often. Promise.

Ouch!

I know, I haven't posted in a really long time. Nothing going on I guess. Work is busy and I've been trying to have some balance around that while still getting things done. I think I did a good job of it in August. I billed close to 200 hours but didn't feel like I was killing myself working all the time. I did it by working a few hours every weekend - which isn't my favorite thing to do, but I have sort of had to in order to keep up while my colleague is on maternity leave.

On another note, I am having surgery on my right foot on Friday, which I am not looking forward to and am completely obsessed with and making myself miserable over. It sucks on so many levels including the fact that I won't be able to drive for 4 weeks. I guess on the up side though, I'll be working from home for as long as it takes to heal. Well, actually I will probably take advantage of it and work from home for a little longer than is necessary. It hurts when I walk and sometimes when I'm not walking and I just can't take the pain anymore so I have to get it fixed.

My very good friend Nina is coming to stay with me for a few days after the surgery. Which I am beyond grateful for. More than anything, I just don't want to be alone afterwards. I just want someone to be here with me. I could probably take care of myself, if I had to. I mean I'm completely self-sufficient and totally independent otherwise, but for some reason I just really want someone to be here with me and if it could be anyone, I would want it to be her. Of course I would never have asked for her help. She sort of offered by just getting a plane ticket because she is awesome like that.

Spa day

I booked myself a spa day for today and I don't even want to go. When I booked it I really wanted it, now I don't feel like going. How lame is that. I would much rather sit on my butt and do nothing today, but I can't cancel, because I would be charged anyway. I think it's because I feel guilty spending money on myself. I would rather spend the money on someone else.

In my dreams

I had this dream last night about my childhood. Which I guess I don't talk about all that often, except maybe to sometimes say that it was terrible.

It was a dream about the family vacation that we took every year. We always took the same vacation to our property in the upper peninsula. It was my family, my cousins and my grandparents. We all went for the 4th of July. My mother hated it and said it wasn't really a vacation because she still had to cook and clean. Anyway, I had this dream that we were on our way up north and I had all of this anticipation about all of the things my cousin and I would do (like rake houses out of leaves and make up stories about Ouija boards, among other things).

I always say my childhood was terrible from the time I can remember, and for the most part, it was. If there were good parts, I was too little to remember them. Pretty much everything I remember was bad and I find it very hard to identify the positive in it all.

But, the thing that I remember the most about those vacations is not the yelling that went into packing the car, but that it was fun. I realized when I woke up that there was a time when I was indeed oblivious to it all. When I didn't know that alcohol would be the undoing of most things. When I didn't realize that my parents hated each other. I actually can remember a time when I didn't know how terribly wrong it was all going to go.

A new high

Sometimes when I go climbing after not climbing for a while, I feel completely intimidated. Like will I remember how to move? Will I remember to trust my legs? Will I feel completely stupid? Will I totally embarrass myself? The thing is, when I get on the wall, I don't really care if I embarrass myself.

Anyway, I haven't been climbing quite as often as I was before. And when I do go, I remember why I love it so much. Because for an hour and a half, nothing else mattered.

And, there is an obstacle in the wall that I haven't been able to get past. Of course I could pick a different rope and climb a different part of the wall. But of course I am determined to get over the hump so to speak. Well today, I did it. And it was awesome.

The dishes rotation

I am becoming a slob in my aloneness. Or it's not really because I am alone, I've lived alone for a long time, but for some reason I am developing what I think is kind of bad habit with the dishes.

I use a lot of spoons. Like a lot of spoons. I use a lot of bowls too because I have cereal every day for breakfast. But usually when I run the dishwasher is determined by when I run out of spoons and I have a lot of spoons. I have to have a lot of spoons or I would be running the dishwasher constantly.

I use one in the morning to take meds, one in the evening to feed the cat canned cat food, and another one at night to take meds. That's at least 3 spoons a day.

So what I do is - I run out of spoons so I run the dishwasher. Then instead of unloading the dishwasher I just take clean spoons out of the dishwasher and then pile them up in the sink. When the dishwasher runs out of spoons, I load it up again with spoons and repeat.

If I park on the fifth floor

I have OCD. It's been bad lately. It's not just that I am obsessive and compulsive about certain things, but I have actual OCD. Completely irrational thought and behavior associations coupled with anxiety.

I've never been treated for it because according to any doctor I've ever discussed it with, unless it really impairs my ability to live, then there is no point in even trying to treat it because it's very hard to treat. So I live with it. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. But I know how to deal with it. I can talk myself out of it because I know, if I can separate myself from the anxiety feeling, that it is completely irrational. The way it works is that I get anxious, sometimes about something, sometimes about nothing - then I start to associate relief from the anxiety with a completely unrelated activity. Like if I double check the stove my anxiety about work will go away.

When I am under stress, it's worse. Like I said, it's been bad lately. And instead of talking myself out of it, I've been giving into it. Because who wouldn't want a little relief from this unrelenting anxiety.

My irrational thought/behavior associates usually involve food. But I've realized over the past few weeks that I am doing things repetitively again. Like doing things in the same order every morning as I try to get out the door. This is what I did as a kid, besides washing my hands until they were bloody. I would do the same things in the same order every night before going to bed, and if I did something out of order I would start over. It's not the worst that it's ever been, but I am noticing more and more that I am having problems with it.

In particular, I have been stressed about work lately, and extremely stressed about the follow-up mammogram that I had today. Who wouldn't be anxious with that going on. Beyond trying to negotiate my way out of having breast cancer with God, I've been playing all sorts of OCD games trying to deal with it and alleviate it. Like if I eat the cupcake, I will have breast cancer again (so I can't eat the cupcake). Not eating the cupcake makes me feel better. This is so completely irrational. But I threw the cupcake away. Another example, if I go to the AA meeting I won't have breast cancer again. So I better go. I skipped it and I felt really bad, like this could have been a dire mistake. This morning, as I arrived for my mammogram, I had the thought, if I park on the fifth floor, I won't have breast cancer again.

I didn't eat the cupcake and I parked on the fifth floor - and I am still cancer free!

My mammogram was clear.

It's about that time again

Doesn't it seem like I just went through this bullshit of having a mammogram? It does, doesn't it? Well it's been almost 6 months because I have another one two weeks from today. It's about that time when I start freaking out and my days start to be ruined in anticipation of it. I am trying not to have that happen, but to no avail. I know the odds are in my favor, I know all of the statistics, it's not making me feel better. My oncologist is way too overly confident and flat out says that it's not going to happen again. Her confidence does not make me feel better at all, it makes me nervous actually. After this mammogram, they switch to once a year. I am not sure whether I feel better or worse about that. On the one hand maybe it is easier to put it behind you, but on the other hand - are you really being checked and watched closely enough? I just don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes I wish I would have had a double mastectomy so that I wouldn't have to go through this. Did I leave myself in a position to get it again when I could have prevented it? I don't know. I know that it's still an option but my doctor doesn't recommend it at this point. Partly because of my age, partly because I had radiation and partly because the odds are in my favor. But weren't the odds in my favor in the first place? Meaning this never should have happened to begin with.

Climb on

Today I went climbing after work. I guess I haven't been in two weeks. It was awesome. I need to go more often because it is the only thing that makes me feel okay lately. I like the mental and physical challenge. And the fact that it shuts your whole brain down. I guess I really needed an escape from the constant noise and crazy in my head these days and the constant sadness. For two hours anyway, I was relieved.

With slightly less dread and not a lot of motivation

This morning (well and yesterday I guess), for the first time in a long time, I did not feel overwhelming dread about going to work. I can't remember the last time I felt okay about going to work. Usually at about three on Sunday the reality and the dread set in. Not yesterday or today though. Trouble is, once I got here, I was completely unmotivated to do anything. The partner is on vacation. And on Friday when I left, it seemed like I have tons to do while he is gone, but, I guess because I feel no time pressure, I am totally unmotivated. I am definitely more efficient when I have tons to do and the pressure of deadlines. As it is, I have stuff to do by next Thursday, therefore, that gives me a few days to waste until the time pressure builds up a bit and I get motivated to do something.

Other than that, I've just been feeling generally sad lately, crying a lot for no real reason other than just a completely overwhelming feeling of sad.

Gone sailing

Fine but not like I expected

So I walked in the Relay for Life cancer walk in Dexter Michigan on Sat. Remember before I was worried, would I be upset, would I be fine, no idea? It turns out I was fine. There was one moment during the survivor walk that I could have cried if I had allowed myself to, but of course I didn't. Overall it was kind of weird actually. I was on a large team of people and it felt sort of awkward because the only two people I really knew were the organizer of the team and my cousin. I didn't know anyone else. Everyone else around my age on the team were coupled and all had kids who were there for all of the kid activities. And then there was me. Feeling mostly uncomfortable and very much like an outsider as much of the activity and conversation surrounded children. And even when it didn't, I still felt like I didn't belong there. I'm a pretty quiet person - not necessarily one to strike up conversations with random people. The result was that not that many people talked to me at all really. I just sort of felt like I was there. By the end of the night I really just kind of wanted to go home early. I just sort of felt like I was done. It was emotionally draining even though I didn't have much emotional reaction to it, if that makes sense at all. And it's difficult sometimes to be surrounded by people with children like that. It's hard to pretend like the conversation is interesting sometimes and you have nothing to offer to it. I didn't mean to seem disinterested I just didn't have anything to say.

In some ways I am not surprised that I didn't have a strong reaction to it, it's just not really me to publicly display emotion. The whole thing felt sort of weird to me. It wasn't what I expected it to be, either good or bad. It was something entirely different. Despite what it felt like or how it seemed at times, I was happy to be a part of something so important even though it's not really my kind of thing. I wish I could connect with people more over having been through something similar, but I can't seem to. Like I had said before, maybe I have processed it already in the only way I am able to. And maybe the way I deal with it is the right way for me, or the only way for me. Not sure.

And yes, I know, it wasn't about me or how I felt, I'm just reflecting on how it felt to me to participate in something like this for the first time. I don't know how to describe it really except that it wasn't what I expected in any way.

This isn't the first time recently that I've been reminded about expectations. I feel like something is pointing me towards changing them. More on that later.

Talking about unknowns

This weekend I am walking in the Relay for Life in Dexter, Michigan, a walk to benefit cancer research. I am a bit leery of doing it. Talk about unknowns. Like I said, I deal with it by ignoring it. Immersing myself in it is not the way I deal with it. So I can't really predict what will happen. Maybe the wall I have built up around myself is impenetrable and I'll be fine. Or maybe it is paper thin and I won't be. I just don't know. I know for some people, raising money for cancer research, doing walks, volunteering, belonging to support groups - this is the way they deal with what happened. In general, these things are not for me and I tend to get annoyed when people suggest I join a support group. And no, I am not opposed to support groups, I belong to the biggest one of all right - AA, but cancer support groups are not for me. Sitting around and talking about it is not for me. Focusing on it is not for me. Making it a focus of my life work is not for me. Offering my experience up to help others just isn't for me. I don't think it ever will be. So this weekend is one of those unknowns that I was talking about. I have never done anything like this since going through what I went through. I have never been surrounded by a bunch of people who went through what I went through and to be perfectly honest, I am not entirely sure I want to be. I know it's maybe a weird way of dealing with it, but it's just the way I am. Will I be fine, or not fine? I have no idea.

I live my life the way I climb

When the climbing wall instructor tells you that you are too negative about your climbing, he is on to something about how you live your day to day life, about how you are in the world. It is clearer and clearer to me the way my default position impacts the entirety of my life.

In a lot of ways, how you do one small thing is how you live your life. It's the same thing I learned over and over again at the spa both times I have been there. The challenges at the spa are all about fear of the unknown. And how you handle fear of the unknown in a challenge is often how you handle fear of the unknown in life. Do you give up? Do you charge ahead? Are you confident?

I've learned two things about myself from these spa trips which don't necessarily match my personality in life, A) I give up too easily even when I know I can do it, I give up without even really trying and the moment I give up is the split second before I would have succeeded (at least this was true at the spa - though I would say not true in life) and B) the whole time I am trying I talk about how I can't do it. B) is definitely true. I do this at the rock wall - or maybe the rock wall instructor on Tuesday's at 4:30 is just exceedingly optimistic, not sure. And I am sure I do this in life. All the damn time.

The giving up thing though - I can't figure it out. At the spa the first time, I was determined when it came to challenges - determined to succeed at them and complete them, this time, not so much. The instructors for all the challenges picked up on my negativity and politely encouraged me to examine the rest of my life. And so I have, and yes, I am negative. That's my default position. It always has been and I've always known it. You tell me something, and I will find the negative in it almost immediately. But that isn't how I am in life when faced with a challenge. In life, I rise to the challenge, I beat the hell out of it if I have to (though all the while telling myself I can't - I do in fact succeed). I mean when I had breast cancer, I survived that almost as if nothing happened. I'm not sure what changed between spa trip 1 and spa trip 2 that made me okay with giving up so easily. And I'm not sure if that changed in my life. Am I giving up on life too easily, right exactly at the wrong moment?

Processing it, not processing it

I've decided that I'm trying too hard and putting too much pressure on myself to process this business of having had breast cancer. It's been three years since I was diagnosed (that's almost impossible to believe) and I have yet to "process" it, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Different things to different people I am sure. If I think about it for a split second, I burst into tears, mostly it is the overwhelming fear that gets a hold of me. If I ignore it, I am sort of fine. I can sometimes escape the fear and anxiety that plague me if I pretend it didn't happen and try to live like it won't happen again. I think this is the best route for me, simply forgetting it ever happened. It's the only way that living with it is possible. So I've decided that for me, processing it means not processing it at all. I think I have processed it to the extent I am able. So enough is enough. I've gotta move farther on, some how.

The minimum effort necessary

These days I put the minimum effort necessary into getting ready for work. I just don't feel like I have anyone to impress here. Not with my appearance anyway. Of course when I go see a client I am totally appropriate and look nice, but that happens like almost never. We do everything by phone and email. So I put on a little under eye concealer (out of habit I guess since I sleep 10 hours a night and shouldn't need any), some powder, a little blush and some lip gloss which I never reapply. As far as clothes, I try not to look like a total slob. I try to look semi-put together, like I try to match if possible. Sometimes I fail at even that and I just don't care. I think it's just part of my general feeling of blah these days. I can't seem to shake it. I'm not depressed, just unhappy and blah. I've decided it's 75% work and 25% other. I just don't know what other is. And the work stuff, I think it's just because it's slow and I have hardly any work to do - so I have to pass the time somehow and it's not easy. Either way I can't win though. I seem to be unhappy whether it's busy or slow. I don't have work, I'm bored. I have work, I end up overly busy. There is no happy medium. Yes, I am grateful for my job, and I don't mean to complain, I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong. It's been wrong for a while and I just can't seem to really figure it out.

Before you go accusing me of being ungrateful

Before you accuse me of being ungrateful, let me just say that I am grateful for my job. Now I am going to complain about it. Or not complain exactly, it's just that I'm unhappy. And yes, I think it is possible to be both grateful and unhappy. I've been unhappy for a while now and I don't know what to do about it - or if there is even anything I can do for that matter. It all started when I went on leave. Well before I went on leave actually when I nearly lost my mind. Ever since I came back from leave, I have been unhappy at work. Something changed while I was away from work and I'm not exactly sure what. Objectively I know I have a great job, however, I think it lost its importance in my life. Which actually is probably a good thing, I just haven't replaced it.

I had this idea in my mind when I went on leave that I would process what I went through with having had breast cancer. Well that didn't happen. It wasn't for a lack of trying, I was trying, I'm still trying, it's just that it didn't happen and it isn't happening now. Maybe it isn't going to happen. Maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I processed it in my own way already and that's that. Maybe for me processing it means not processing it at all. But although that didn't happen for me while I was away, what I did realize was that in the scheme of things, the relative importance of my job is practically not existent. It simply doesn't matter to me anymore. Now granted I still feel guilty every time I take a day off and yes I feel guilty when I leave early - but it's actual importance in my life is nil. I don't live for my job, I don't love it, I don't even care to work all that hard. It doesn't define my life anymore the way that it used to. It used to be who I was. This therapist that I saw very briefly said I should say, I work as a...instead of I am a.... That some how then I would feel less defined by it. Anyway.

But like I said, I haven't replaced my job with anything more important. So there is like this void of unhappiness. And as you know, if you have been reading this, I live with this constant fear and anxiety of getting cancer again. I live with this terrible fear that my life will be cut short and I will have missed my opportunity. My opportunity for what? And when your ship sinks, and it is sinking, as this guy Fain likes to say, what are you going to wish? I won't wish that I was great at my job or financially successful, I won't wish that I was great at anything really, I won't wish that I made a difference, I won't wish that everything turned out just so, I will wish simply that I figured out how to live in the moment and I will wish that I had been happy. At the present, I am failing at both. Let me tell you folks, from my own personal experience with facing my mortality, you don't want to feel the regret of not having been happy.

Awesome

Just like I've been telling them

How ticked off would you be?

The day that I got here I called guest services to complain that the outside door to the patio did not seem to be locking properly.  Eventually, they sent someone out.  That someone assessed the door and said it was working just fine.  Let me also add that I was staying in one of the nicest rooms available on the property.  The room was amazing, though not necessary.  Anyway, I was uncomfortable with the door even after he left because it really didn't seem to be locking properly.  The next day someone showed up to recheck the door.  He also said that the door is locking properly.  I kept saying that it wasn't.  They kept saying it was.  Maybe they could get it to lock properly, but I couldn't seem to.  Basically I didn't use the patio because I didn't want to unlock the door, just in case it was locked properly, I didn't want to touch it.  But I continued to remain uncomfortable with the door, not believing that it was locking properly. By not locking properly I mean someone could open it from the outside.

Today, again, someone else showed up to check the door.  Why do people keep coming to check the door if it's working properly?  Keep in mind I've been staying in this room for 5 nights already.  This time, FINALLY, the guy said the door is not locking properly, it can be opened from the outside.  We should move you to another room because we can't fix the door.  HELLO.  Now maybe I should have complained more or complained louder.  I don't really know.  So then I had to pack in a whirlwind, move to another room, unpack everything to make sure I didn't lose anything in the hasty way I packed, eat lunch and then go bitch out management.  

How big of a stink can I really make?  Nothing happened, no one broke in, nothing was taken, but still.  I'm pissed.  I asked to be downgraded to a cheaper room, which they did, and they offered me a further discounted rate for the last 3 nights of my stay.  I kind of wish they would discount the whole thing, but what can I say really?  Nothing happened, I am just pissed about it.  Then, because I had to move in a whirlwind and try to squeeze lunch in, I was going to have a hard time getting to my spa appointment.  I called the spa and explained the situation and they said they would move my appointment time but that they would have to charge me twice.  You have got to be kidding me.  Management fixed that for me also.  So what can I say really?  Nothing happened and they discounted the rest of my stay, fixed my spa appointment and were very apologetic.  Due to the situation though I missed my scheduled lunch with the nutritionist here at the spa which I was really looking forward to.

Anyway, I am in a safe room now.  Unpacked again.  The patio door locks properly.  I have to say, although the room was amazing, as was the view, it was definitely not necessary to stay in a room that nice.  I could stay in the basic room here and still be happy.  So that's good info for next time.  Although right now I am not planning a next time.

Everything the opposite

I can't exactly figure out why, but this trip to the spa has been exactly the opposite of the last time I was here. The last time everything was an unknown, the resort was more crowded, I met more people to hang out with, I was determined to complete challenges (and completed all the ones I did), I learned a lot about myself, I stepped way outside of my comfort zone.  This time, everything is the opposite.

Foregoing the tightrope

I decided this morning, after this mornings tightrope challenge, not to go back and re do the other tightrope challenge.  Walking across tightropes is not my thing apparently.  Rock climbing on the other hand....I went back to do the rock wall, hoping to be able to climb a different side of the wall, which I was able to do because there were only three of us.  After that I got to climb blindfolded.  Now that was awesome.

On Thursday I am going to do some outdoor rock climbing which I've never done before.  I'm looking forward to that more than anything.  

Isn't vacation supposed to be about sleeping in?

So why do I keep getting up at the crack of dawn to go scare the shit out of myself?  I'm starting to question my sanity.  Tomorrow at 6:30 am (why in the world does it have to be so early?) I am going to go walk across cables in the air while balancing my weight against the person who is crossing the cables across from me.  I seriously must have lost my mind.  Because at 11:30 am, I am going to go do the tightrope again (see below).  (Don't think I'm totally crazy though, this is a spa after all.  I have a spa treatment every night).

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Just ponder that.

Yes that is me

Getting ready to cross a wire 45 feet in the air by hanging onto ropes for balance.  This may sound easy, but I assure you it is not.  It is probably the most difficult thing I have done either time I've been here.  So difficult in fact that I sucked so badly at it, that I am going to do it again on Tuesday and see if I am any better.

Wild flowers

Arrival

Destination

Spa heaven. Departure: on time.

Nerves

So I am sitting in the airport blogging from blackberry. I am nervous as hell for some reason. And the strange thing is, I am more nervous this time than the last. The last time I was walking into a complete unknown and I was more excited than anything. This time I am walking into something I know is incredible and I nervous. I feel like I don't know what to expect. The last time it was life changing or at the very least eye opening. It might not have been life changing in ways thgat lasted. I'm just not sure. I don't know what to expect this time and I wonder if my expectations are too high and if perhaps reality won't live up to them this time.

Preview

Slow again

I thought for a couple of days there in May that things were picking up at work. Not so. I have literally nothing to do at the moment. Anything I have to work on is on the partner's desk waiting for comments, so literally, I have nothing to do. I can't even really clean my office because it's basically already and always clean. This deal that I got stuck working on - I probably didn't mention it - is producing no work whatsoever. And any work that it does produce I can do in like a half hour. What am I going to do all day? I can't return to my parking garage at home until after 7 pm because they are power washing the floor. That makes for a long day. I guess I could try to street park if I get home earlier than that. Most likely, I will go climbing. Anyway, this is just kind of a noting post, but I don't have anything else to do.

Oh, but I am only 3 days away from spa heaven. I can't wait.

Perhaps a bit prematurely

This might seem a bit premature, and maybe it really is, I don' t know, but I've decided I don't want to have another relationship, like ever. I know, I know, I'm only 32 and anything can happen, there is still time. That's what people always say, you have time - meaning you have time to have children. Well, I don't in fact, have time. Not all the time in the world anyway and no time to waste. Why bother with another relationship that is going to go horribly wrong three years down the road and then you are left starting over, again. Forget it. Again and again you start over until it's just plain too late. At this point, if I am being honest about it, I can only say that I am looking for a husband, not a relationship, and I don't want to look for a husband so that I can have kids "in time." It's just not what I want to do. I'm just not interested anymore.

So, I have decided to skip the husband altogether and go straight to the having kids part. I've decided this in my mind, I haven't decided how to execute on this. The reason is that a) I won't be fertile for as long as I would have been had I never taken chemo drugs, b) they can't predict how long I will be fertile and c) I've been told I shouldn't wait very long because of a) and b). What does any of this mean except that I don't have time for another relationship to fall part and to have to start over. I just don't have the time.

I wish I knew how little or how much time I do have, but I don't know. There aren't even good statistics to predict this. I told myself that 1 year after finishing treatment I would start to make decisions about this issue. And that time came and went and now it's a nearly a year and a half later than that and nothing has happened. I haven't met anyone. I haven't dated anyone. Is time running out? I don't know. That's the problem, I don't know and I have no way of knowing. It pisses me off when people tell me that I have all kinds of time because I just may not actually have all that much time left.

I thought I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't be able to do it alone. I thought the alone part was going to stop me. But maybe I won't have to do it alone. Maybe there are people who will help me.

So in theory I have plotted out how to do it but executing on it is something else. First things first, all this medication I just went on, I am going to find out whether I have to go off of it when I decide to do this. The answer is most likely. So there is that downside. Anyway, then I am going to go talk to the fertility doctor that I saw when I first found out I had breast cancer. See then I was going to freeze embryos because I had a boyfriend. It is no surprise that that relationship fell apart (long story not worth telling). I regretted for a long time that I didn't freeze the embryos in case I was no longer fertile. Now I guess I am glad that I didn't freeze them.

Anyway, the point is, I no longer care whether I have a boyfriend, or a husband, ever, but I am going to find a way to have kids. Someone will help me.

A stove, what's that?

This morning the gas company called me to determine whether someone in fact lives in my unit because nothing has been registering on the gas meter for, well, since last August. They couldn't figure out if the meter was reading wrong, or no one lives here. I told them that I do live here, really I do. And he told me that even usage of the stove would register something on the meter, like he is trying to prove that I don't live here or something. I told him I only eat microwaved food. He said he would note it on my record.

32

Happy birthday to me.

Officially

It's official as of today.  I am a three year breast cancer survivor.

Spa extravaganza take two

My spa trip is three weeks away - three weeks from today. Yes, I am counting. I have decided not to take my work computer. I know - why would I ever take my work computer to a spa? I did last year, and I was on leave.  When I travel I usually take my work computer, because usually I'm working or at least want/need the ability to log on if necessary. Or something like that. Or whatever other reason I tell myself.  I took it last year mainly because it was newer than my home computer (but don't worry, I didn't check my email, thereby ruining my trip).

I've decided this time to take my Mac instead of my work computer.  I have a brand new Mac and if I take it, I can download my pictures every day and post them while I'm there rather than waiting until I get home.  I never really posted that many pictures from last year because I didn't feel like posting a bunch all at once.  This way I am going to try to post pictures once or twice a day.

I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to go to this spa again.  It's the most fun thing I've ever done, the most relaxing, the most life changing.  I can't wait.  I am going for 8 nights and every night I have a spa treatment, I think I'm doing, a pedicure, facial, hot stone massage, aloe wrap, a lavender oil wrap, a chamomile scrub, and something called herbal balancing.  This time I am also going to try to do the challenges that I didn't get to do the last time, and of course the rock climbing challenge since it is still my new favorite thing.

It would be fun to go with someone so that you have someone to have lunch and dinner with, but it's also kind of fun to go alone and do your own thing.  I personally got a lot of going alone the last time.  It forced me to step out of my comfort zone and out of my shell and speak up for a change and not worry about what people thought of me.  It changed me.

This time I upgraded rooms so I would have a view of the sunrise.  I can't wait.

The guilt about it

My main vacation for the year is coming up, and boy do I need it. Most likely I'll end up taking two vacations because I am really only out of the office for 6 days for this one. It's hard to believe it has been almost a year, well 10 months, since I went on that leave of absence. The truth is, I wish I had taken more time, which I could have legally, and I should have. I didn't because I felt guilty. Ever since they hired me, which was over three years ago now, I've felt like I have to prove myself because I had breast cancer. I felt so bad that I was diagnosed with it right after they paid a fee to hire me, that all this time I have been trying to make sure that they think they made the right decision by hiring me. Which has resulted in me feeling guilty every single time I take a day off. I feel like I need a good reason, like I have to justify it, like it can't just be because I feel like I need a day, it has to be for a reason more legitimate than that, it has to be for something big or something out of my control like a doctor's appointment. Going home to Michigan isn't even legitimate enough. Anyway, I wanted to take today off too, not just tomorrow, but again, I felt too guilty too. This is something I need to work on. Never once has the partner I work with given me a hard time about a day off or a vacation - it is all manufactured in my head. In fact he has never said a word about any of it, or ever said no to me working from outside the office either. I am determined not to feel guilty about being off tomorrow because I don't want it to ruin my time with my friend.

That time of year again

It's that time of year again. The day I was diagnosed with cancer, my birthday, and that day in between. That day when nothing made sense anymore and on which I knew that nothing would ever be the same - that I would never be the same. These days never seem to pass without notice. I guess because it's impossible to forget your own birthday. This year though, for the first time, I feel ever so slightly differently. I feel a little less afraid and just a tiny bit more optimistic.

This year I will be distracted from these days that I dread. I have a good friend coming into town. It's someone that I've spent almost no time with but who I consider to be one of my closest friends. Who says you can't make real friends through the blog world? Absolutely you can. I'm looking forward to the weekend - I can't wait.

Square one

The billable year rolled over May 1. It's a fresh start. A whole new year to worry about billing hours. I vowed last year not to worry about it, and it turns out I didn't have to. Things were so slow that everyone came in under target, though admittedly I was way under target. Partly due to the fact that when I went on leave it was busy, and when I came back it was slow and stayed that way until, oh, about now. I have some busy days and some really slow ones like today. Overall I would say things have picked up a bit but I am not even close to as busy as I used to be.

As far as worrying goes though, it's day 6 of the year and I've already spent time calculating how much I have to bill every day, accounting for taking one day off, so that I can come in 20 hours above target for the month of may, thereby accounting for approximately 2 days of my vacation in June. Uh, yeah, and so I'm not worrying, not at all. And, I do this regularly, like every few days or so I revisit what I need to be billing so that I can try to have enough work to stay on track. And yes, I know, this is ridiculous, it's day 6 and I am already calculating things.

A six dollar and twenty-three cent a day habit

I hate Starbucks. I really do. I can't stand their coffee. The only way I can drink it is if it's a latte so that the coffee is really diluted.

I've formed a bad habit. Every day around 2 or 2:30, my secretary and I go to Starbucks. I get a grande decaf skinny vanilla latte iced and three vanilla bean scones. All adding up to $6.23. Actually, I take Fridays off because my secretary is out that day. So I am spending about $100 a month to drink coffee, which I don't even like that much, from a place I can't really stand. It has to stop.

As things turned out

I didn't end up having to work after all and I had quite a nice day. I got my haircut (all that hair was supposedly growing back, I cut it off again. I've never been able to grow it all the way back since having it all fall out). I did do twenty minutes of work today but that doesn't really count as messing up my weekend. So I cut my hair, had lunch with a friend, then dinner with another friend. And that's about it.

Of course I did

Remember how after my time off I said Iwas no longer working on holidays or days off? The way this always worked was that I would inform the partner that I was taking a Friday off. Which of course he had no problem with - why would he? He didn't know why I was taking the day off, none of his business really so he would never question it. And then I would feel so guilty about taking the day off that I would offer to work remotely from wherever I was (Michigan usually) and of course the partner isn't going to say no to that. Cause he would likely rather have me working than not working. And every time I felt annoyed and mad at myself for giving in. Giving in to what exactly? It's not like he was pressuring me. I feel like people need days off. People need breaks, real breaks, real actual days off.

A couple of times it worked out that I didn't end up working on a day off. Maybe a few. But this time I repeated my old pattern of asking, feeling guilty and offering to give up my day off. Of course I did.

Except this time I am going to try to pretend I am working while actually not. It's one of those times that I don't mind being chained to my blackberry. If that's what it takes to get a day off, then whatever, I'll keep my eye on the damn thing.

Whatever you are doing today, working or something else - have a great day!

The bright orange spot in the rear view mirror

My drive to Michigan was relatively uneventful. Even the hour I spent parked on the expressway while an accident was cleaned up. That didn't phase me for some reason or even annoy me all that much. I just hope that whatever happened, the people are okay. And part of the way home I got to watch the sun set in the rear view mirror. And it was really kind of beautiful.

Home again

I am headed to Michigan today. It is with much trepidation that I am going. It's been two months since I was there, so it's about time for a visit, considering I won't otherwise be able to go until mid June. Going "home" always causes me great anxiety, for a number of reasons. So far it is minimal and stems mostly from the fact that I don't really feel like making the 4 hour drive. I think taking medication, even though it isn't anti-anxiety medication, is helping with my anxiety level. I didn't unplug anything before I left, in fact I didn't feel worried about much at all (in case you don't know, I unplug things before I go out of town, like lamps and such - it's OCD).

But then I feel the anxiety of feeling like I am intruding on my brother and his family's space. And then there is the anxiety of seeing my mother. I'm not sure I've gone there before. I think I've said very little here about that relationship - and I need to keep it that way just for now. And then there is the anxiety of going back to old meetings and seeing people. And the anxiety of trying to find time to see everyone. This time I have made minimal plans, a haircut, dinner and babysitting.

Some how I always return from Michigan messed up in some way. Usually it is depression, I have some kind of low, sometimes bad, sometimes not so bad. I don't think it's the depression of wishing I still lived there, because although I sometimes feel a kind of homesickness, I really don't want to move back there. At this point I think it would be bad for me probably. My primary reason for going is to see my brother's family and to play with my nephew. But I can't really imagine living there again. Although 3 years later, I can't say I feel all that at home here in Chicago either.

It's been three years exactly that I've been at my current job. Three years that have flown by in which I was diagnosed and survived cancer, among other things. Despite the time that I took off and all of the things that I did for myself during that time, I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it happened at all. And if I allow myself to think about it for even a split second, tears come to my eyes. So I maintain an emotional distance from what happened in a way that most people can't really understand.

You would think after three years I would feel at home here. You would think I would feel comfortable at AA meetings and that I would have friends here. But I don't really, not close ones. And I don't feel comfortable sharing at meetings. I know, the reason is not a good one, it is because I am worried about what people will think, but still, it is preventing me from getting out the things I need to get out. I haven't been posting much either.

Anyway, I am running out the door - no time to proof read. I'll catch you when I get there.

I need to stop wearing ugly shoes to work

I wear shoes to work nearly every day that don't match my outfit. Why? Because they are comfortable. They are probably really not even at all appropriate except on a Friday when we can wear nearly anything and get away with it. I can't find both cute and comfortable shoes that stay on my feet. Half of my shoes slip at the heels and the rest are ugly. I think it is because my feet are sort of in between a size. They aren't quite the right size for any shoe - too small for a half size (which they don't make anyway because my feet are too big) and just a little too small for the next size up. I've tried the little things that you put in the heels to keep shoes from slipping and they don't work, and I've tried the other little things that you put in your shoes at the ball of your foot to make them more comfortable (and slightly tighter) and it doesn't work. I don't know what to do about this shoe dilemma. The only shoes that I can get to stay on my feet properly are sling backs. Regular heels, not so much. Well, flip flops are always an option, and my usual choice in the summer. So every day I wear the same ugly, not dressy, shoes to work. And all day long I tell myself that I am still wearing them because I just haven't gotten around to changing them yet. And I figure if anyone asks why I am wearing such ugly shoes (which I can't imagine anyone ever would), I will them that it's because my feet hurt from cramming them into rock climbing shoes.

Anyway, I don't know what else to try to keep my shoes on my feet.

What I do on a Friday night

Sometimes a little boring isn't such a bad thing.  Tonight I went rock climbing, like I do every Friday night these days.  For some reason tonight I just didn't have it in me to climb over and over again like I usually do.  I usually give it about 4 goes and this time I just felt exhausted immediately.  Anyway, I took a good fall off the wall from oh I don't know 3 stories high - obviously you don't fall very far when you fall, but still.  It happened almost so fast and so unexpectedly that I didn't have time to wonder whether the rope was going to work.  Anyway, I spun half way around and smacked my back into the wall.  I didn't have time to twist myself around so I could catch the wall with my hand.  So, that fall was a good thing I guess because I'm no longer afraid of slipping off the wall.  That means I can try more things because if you fall, oh well.  Except for the part where I am already sore from the impact.

Then I came home and saw a spot on the carpet in the bedroom.  So I ran around the house with the carpet cleaner and paper towel cleaning spots of the carpet.

And now I am going to take meds and go to bed.

That's my Friday night.  Fun.

The ax finally falls

It was a weird week at work. The ax fell so to speak. On Tuesday, but there had been rumors for weeks. All of them wrong of course. Rumors about how many and when, whose pay would be cut and why. I try not to say bad things about my job or place of employment, but in my opinion, it was poorly handled. For the attorneys it was one thing. They sort of slipped in and out of peoples' offices unnoticed. No one knows which attorneys were let go. For the staff, they told them to get their coat and purse and marched them to do the door crying in front of everyone without letting them say goodbye, and were told their desk would be packed up and sent to them. I thought it was pretty horrible.

My secretary was smart I guess, she packed her belongings weeks ago. I didn't get to say goodbye, but I was glad she called me later that day. She sounded okay.

My firm is late in the game on this one. A lot of firms have already let people go, some in large numbers, some of them twice. I hope my firm got it right this one time so that we don't have to go through this again. I am grateful to have the job that I have, and that I was unaffected on Tuesday.

Things are intact and I'm doing generally okay - just not posting very often. Still climbing and still loving it. It's still my new favorite thing. So much so that I bought my own climbing shoes.

See you all later. I'll try to post more often.