Tonight I went chasing a sunset with my dad, who I have posted almost nothing about, ever. I'm in Michigan now - from now until Monday. So far my time off just feels more like I'm on a weeks vacation returning to the office and the reality of it soon. I'm not sure when it will hit me that I am off of work for a while, but it needs to hit me soon, cause every day that I am this stressed feels like time wasted. I need to find a way to relax.
Anyway, my dad stopped over and we drove to the Huron River to take a walk. I took my new camera - I called my dad and asked him to go with me - I told him I wanted to test the camera out. It was quite a while though until the sunset so we walked around. Then we drove around. I think driving around might be one of my dad's favorite things to do. I actually also love to just drive around - so maybe I got that from him.
So we drove, up and down the river, past pretty neighborhoods, waiting for the sun to set. Honestly, I think we hardly talked. My dad and I don't talk about real stuff - we talk about the weather and how work is - we don't talk about other stuff, important stuff. I'm not even really sure what we talked about for an hour and a half, but it was clear that my dad had a nice time. He told me stories about the area from when he was a kid and where he used to fish and play in the woods. I guess that's what we talked about - the things he used to do. Oh, and we talked about catching fire flies and how he wants to show my nephew on Friday how to do that.
We drove all around and then the sun started to really go down - we were too far from the nice spot on the river where you really got a beautiful view. We tried to get back there in time so I could take photographs. But we missed it.
Maybe next time.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
A little dramatic, don't ya think?
Okay, so maybe my last post was overly dramatic. But it does feel awful and it's true that I don't know what to do and it feels like the prospect of the MRI is going to ruin my time off. But yes, I admit it, that was probably overly dramatic. And to be honest, I am probably not going to do the MRI until January.
Hanging over me
My mammogram was clear. Yes, it was as traumatic as the experience I had in January with the MRI. The only thing that made it less traumatic is that I was able to get a definitive okay after only 3 hours of waiting as opposed to 3 days.
It is a kind of horrifying that I can't describe to you when the technician comes down the hall and says to you - we need more films, the radiologist sees a spot on each breast and can't tell if it is breast tissue. It is further horrifying when she still can't tell from the additional films so they want you to have an ultrasound. And in between all of these trips down the hall and conversations with the radiologist, you wait, and you wait. You wait in a room with other women. I can't bear to wait in that room so I asked if I could please just go somewhere and wait alone.
It is horrible. And then in the end it's fine, but you don't feel relieved for some reason. You ask 10 times, are you sure, are you positive, how do you know, are you sure you can't see it? I have to just tell myself that if the radiologist had any doubts about what she was looking at, she would triple check. But the up and the down and the vagueness and uncertainty make it hard to relax into the "okay." It's Wednesday morning, I've known since 3 p.m. yesterday that it is okay, and I still don't feel okay.
The reason is probably this. So we moved this appointment up from September to get it over with - so that I could go on leave and enjoy it and not be worried about a mammogram in September. That was the plan.
Remember how I said my surgeon and I decided to skip the MRIs because of what happened the last time? It isn't standard protocol and it was so traumatic - in fact it was that MRI experience that resulted in me needed this time off. Remember?
The radiologist wants me to do the MRIs. Now I have a conflict between two doctors.
The reason she says is because she had a hard time telling on the mammogram whether what she was looking at was breast tissue, or whether it was something else and it was hard to tell because my breast tissue is so incredibly dense. When you smash it and look at a 2 dimensional image of it, tissue gets compressed on top of tissue and you can't always tell what is what. The downside if the MRI is that it picks up everything, but presumably could pick up something that a mammogram wouldn't.
Yet my surgeons says it is not standard follow-up. So it's up to me I guess, to decide. If I had known that the radiologist would want me to do it so bad, I could have done it in mid-July and gotten that over with now too. But I wasn't planning to do it because my surgeon said it was okay not to. It is a calculated risk, how much chance am I willing to take with my own life?
The MRI, it has to be timed with my cycle, so it would either be at some point late in August or in September - I have to count the days.
Do you know what that means? That means for a good part of my leave, the fear and anxiety will still be hanging over me. I'm not sure I will be able to enjoy this time off or get the most benefit from it knowing hell is around the corner. I will anticipate it the entire time.
Help - I don't know how to let go of this.
Next week I am calling my surgeon to have her send me to the plastic surgeon - my doctor said she could do a nipple conserving mastectomy on me with implants under the muscle. I know, that seems drastic, but I don't know how much more of my life I can lose to these appointments.
I feel like I am losing my entire leave, the point is being ruined. I won't get another leave like it, and it's ruined.
It is a kind of horrifying that I can't describe to you when the technician comes down the hall and says to you - we need more films, the radiologist sees a spot on each breast and can't tell if it is breast tissue. It is further horrifying when she still can't tell from the additional films so they want you to have an ultrasound. And in between all of these trips down the hall and conversations with the radiologist, you wait, and you wait. You wait in a room with other women. I can't bear to wait in that room so I asked if I could please just go somewhere and wait alone.
It is horrible. And then in the end it's fine, but you don't feel relieved for some reason. You ask 10 times, are you sure, are you positive, how do you know, are you sure you can't see it? I have to just tell myself that if the radiologist had any doubts about what she was looking at, she would triple check. But the up and the down and the vagueness and uncertainty make it hard to relax into the "okay." It's Wednesday morning, I've known since 3 p.m. yesterday that it is okay, and I still don't feel okay.
The reason is probably this. So we moved this appointment up from September to get it over with - so that I could go on leave and enjoy it and not be worried about a mammogram in September. That was the plan.
Remember how I said my surgeon and I decided to skip the MRIs because of what happened the last time? It isn't standard protocol and it was so traumatic - in fact it was that MRI experience that resulted in me needed this time off. Remember?
The radiologist wants me to do the MRIs. Now I have a conflict between two doctors.
The reason she says is because she had a hard time telling on the mammogram whether what she was looking at was breast tissue, or whether it was something else and it was hard to tell because my breast tissue is so incredibly dense. When you smash it and look at a 2 dimensional image of it, tissue gets compressed on top of tissue and you can't always tell what is what. The downside if the MRI is that it picks up everything, but presumably could pick up something that a mammogram wouldn't.
Yet my surgeons says it is not standard follow-up. So it's up to me I guess, to decide. If I had known that the radiologist would want me to do it so bad, I could have done it in mid-July and gotten that over with now too. But I wasn't planning to do it because my surgeon said it was okay not to. It is a calculated risk, how much chance am I willing to take with my own life?
The MRI, it has to be timed with my cycle, so it would either be at some point late in August or in September - I have to count the days.
Do you know what that means? That means for a good part of my leave, the fear and anxiety will still be hanging over me. I'm not sure I will be able to enjoy this time off or get the most benefit from it knowing hell is around the corner. I will anticipate it the entire time.
Help - I don't know how to let go of this.
Next week I am calling my surgeon to have her send me to the plastic surgeon - my doctor said she could do a nipple conserving mastectomy on me with implants under the muscle. I know, that seems drastic, but I don't know how much more of my life I can lose to these appointments.
I feel like I am losing my entire leave, the point is being ruined. I won't get another leave like it, and it's ruined.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Am I that obvious?
People have told me many times that I should go easier on myself. My various sponsors have told me that among others. Where did I learn this? I never realized just how hard on myself I was (am) until people started pointing it out left and right in early sobriety, and even now. It's just a feeling of I should be doing better, I should be dealing with it better, I should be X, I should be Y - beating myself up for not being different or doing different or not having changed enough.
I'm not sure how I learned this - this constant feeling of I am not enough - and didn't have an awareness of it. So I was at the eye doctor last week and you know, you have a mostly boring conversation with an eye doctor - I mean what do you talk about? Well, whether you can see for one, maybe the weather - I don't even remember, in any event, the conversation resulted in him saying to me, gosh, you are really too hard on yourself.
Seriously, am I that obvious?
I think it is probably right that all of the stress and anxiety and depression that I have been feeling since Friday is due to the mammogram I have tomorrow. I just feel sick about it. More later...
I'm not sure how I learned this - this constant feeling of I am not enough - and didn't have an awareness of it. So I was at the eye doctor last week and you know, you have a mostly boring conversation with an eye doctor - I mean what do you talk about? Well, whether you can see for one, maybe the weather - I don't even remember, in any event, the conversation resulted in him saying to me, gosh, you are really too hard on yourself.
Seriously, am I that obvious?
I think it is probably right that all of the stress and anxiety and depression that I have been feeling since Friday is due to the mammogram I have tomorrow. I just feel sick about it. More later...
Someone yell at me, please
No, I was not experimenting by not taking medication again.
I checked my work email this morning. Just like I always do, on my blackberry, after I get out of bed and pray. Shit people, this checking out of work is harder than I thought. And if I am going to check email and feel compelled to handle something, I might as well be at the office. It's just that Spanish counsel sent the document that I was waiting for last week and even though I already told the staff attorney what to do with it, step by step, it would just be faster if I did it. And I like this client a lot. This is a good client development opportunity. What I am really worried about is the French document - I just know the French document is going to get messed up if I don't do it myself.
Seriously folks, HELLO. What is my problem? Leave of absence = not working, duh that was the point. It's a good thing I am going to Michigan on Wednesday cause I need a distraction, obviously. This being at home is going to cause me to go stir crazy. I mean, what am I supposed to do all day? Yeah I have a headologist appointment, yeah I have a dentist appointment, yeah I have to go to the cat sitting place, yeah I have few phone calls to make, yeah I need to call and/or meet with my sponsor, yeah I could go to a meeting. But I don't want to do any of that.
I feel anxious and nervous. I don't like this one bit. I need to turn this around somehow.
I checked my work email this morning. Just like I always do, on my blackberry, after I get out of bed and pray. Shit people, this checking out of work is harder than I thought. And if I am going to check email and feel compelled to handle something, I might as well be at the office. It's just that Spanish counsel sent the document that I was waiting for last week and even though I already told the staff attorney what to do with it, step by step, it would just be faster if I did it. And I like this client a lot. This is a good client development opportunity. What I am really worried about is the French document - I just know the French document is going to get messed up if I don't do it myself.
Seriously folks, HELLO. What is my problem? Leave of absence = not working, duh that was the point. It's a good thing I am going to Michigan on Wednesday cause I need a distraction, obviously. This being at home is going to cause me to go stir crazy. I mean, what am I supposed to do all day? Yeah I have a headologist appointment, yeah I have a dentist appointment, yeah I have to go to the cat sitting place, yeah I have few phone calls to make, yeah I need to call and/or meet with my sponsor, yeah I could go to a meeting. But I don't want to do any of that.
I feel anxious and nervous. I don't like this one bit. I need to turn this around somehow.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Saturday, July 26, 2008
As if I don't feel guilty, as if I am unafraid
Hey folks, so I am going to try to track my leave here on the blog. I mean my "holiday." I am calling it a holiday like my colleagues in Europe cause it sounds better. So let's officially start today. We will see how long this lasts - meaning me keeping up with posting about what's going on.
Today I went shopping since this is after all about me enjoying myself. Frankly though, this holiday is pretty expensive, so I need to curb the shopping.
Also, I am doing a little AA thing on myself that we call acting as if. AA people always say, you have to act your way into right thinking (cause you can't think your way into it). In other words, if you change your behavior, your thinking will follow. And when you are struggling with something - AA people will tell you to act as if. If you don't have faith, act as if you do. If you don't want to do something, do it anyway and act as if you want to, etc. Act as if.
So, I am acting as if I don't feel guilty (cause I feel guilty as hell about this holiday), and I am acting as if I am not afraid of this mammogram (and we all know how I really feel).
I'm sorry for scaring anyone and I am definitely not joking about what I said in that last post - (I turned it back into a draft by the way because I definitely do not want to upset anyone) - meaning I definitely do not take it lightly. It's very scary, very - the whole experience is scary beyond anything I can describe, and I just need to be honest about where my head goes because AA tells me to be honest about what goes on in my head. And in this case, the reason is so I will be protected in case anything goes wrong. That's why I told my doctor that - because I need to be protected from myself and I can't guarantee how I would react. So I'm just being careful. But you can be sure that there are people who would protect me and support me. I didn't have that the last time really, but I do now.
I do take it very seriously - that's part of the reason I went on meds, cause my low got too low and it scared the shit out of me to feel like I had no control over myself.
On that note though - we upped the dose of both of my meds 9 days ago and I am happy to report that I had about 6 days in a row where I felt level, even, in the middle, like normal people. It was awesome. AWESOME. Yesterday I had so much anxiety though and then I crashed a little and was a little on the down side. I've had no upswing at all really. Regardless though - we may have to up them again, but the meds are working. I feel like a different person.
Today I went shopping since this is after all about me enjoying myself. Frankly though, this holiday is pretty expensive, so I need to curb the shopping.
Also, I am doing a little AA thing on myself that we call acting as if. AA people always say, you have to act your way into right thinking (cause you can't think your way into it). In other words, if you change your behavior, your thinking will follow. And when you are struggling with something - AA people will tell you to act as if. If you don't have faith, act as if you do. If you don't want to do something, do it anyway and act as if you want to, etc. Act as if.
So, I am acting as if I don't feel guilty (cause I feel guilty as hell about this holiday), and I am acting as if I am not afraid of this mammogram (and we all know how I really feel).
I'm sorry for scaring anyone and I am definitely not joking about what I said in that last post - (I turned it back into a draft by the way because I definitely do not want to upset anyone) - meaning I definitely do not take it lightly. It's very scary, very - the whole experience is scary beyond anything I can describe, and I just need to be honest about where my head goes because AA tells me to be honest about what goes on in my head. And in this case, the reason is so I will be protected in case anything goes wrong. That's why I told my doctor that - because I need to be protected from myself and I can't guarantee how I would react. So I'm just being careful. But you can be sure that there are people who would protect me and support me. I didn't have that the last time really, but I do now.
I do take it very seriously - that's part of the reason I went on meds, cause my low got too low and it scared the shit out of me to feel like I had no control over myself.
On that note though - we upped the dose of both of my meds 9 days ago and I am happy to report that I had about 6 days in a row where I felt level, even, in the middle, like normal people. It was awesome. AWESOME. Yesterday I had so much anxiety though and then I crashed a little and was a little on the down side. I've had no upswing at all really. Regardless though - we may have to up them again, but the meds are working. I feel like a different person.
Friday, July 25, 2008
As good as real and just as bad as the last time
This upcoming mammogram is way too much on my mind.
I can tell because I had a nightmare about it last night - and whenever something is weighing heavily on my mind, I tend to dream about it. It isn't always bad or in the form of a nightmare, but this time it was.
Remember what happened to me in January when they thought I had breast cancer again - right - well, this was just as real and just as scary and just as bad as the last time. Waking up this morning did not feel like a relief - I felt like I did in January when it was real.
In my dream I was at the hospital - they kept telling me that I didn't necessarily have it again but might very soon but they couldn't really predict. I was hysterical. Some how my mother showed up. Now, if you know anything about my childhood and my mother, you know that this is the worst possible person to show up. I was going around the hall outside the room telling the nurses that I was going to kill myself and I needed someone to get my doctor. No one would pay attention to me - they kept telling me she was too busy to talk to me. I kept begging for her and no one would get her and telling them I was going to kill myself and they wouldn't get her for me. They let me leave the hospital in a hospital gown with my shoes. I left the rest of my stuff there.
It was horrible you guys. Horrible.
The thing is folks - that's exactly how I feel - that I would kill myself if it happened again because knowing what I know now, I would rather do that than go through anything like what I went through the last time. I told the psychologist at the cancer center that - that I would kill myself if it happened again. She told me that it now says in my record that I am not to be allowed to leave the hospital in the event it ever happens again.
They let me leave.
I woke up.
I can tell because I had a nightmare about it last night - and whenever something is weighing heavily on my mind, I tend to dream about it. It isn't always bad or in the form of a nightmare, but this time it was.
Remember what happened to me in January when they thought I had breast cancer again - right - well, this was just as real and just as scary and just as bad as the last time. Waking up this morning did not feel like a relief - I felt like I did in January when it was real.
In my dream I was at the hospital - they kept telling me that I didn't necessarily have it again but might very soon but they couldn't really predict. I was hysterical. Some how my mother showed up. Now, if you know anything about my childhood and my mother, you know that this is the worst possible person to show up. I was going around the hall outside the room telling the nurses that I was going to kill myself and I needed someone to get my doctor. No one would pay attention to me - they kept telling me she was too busy to talk to me. I kept begging for her and no one would get her and telling them I was going to kill myself and they wouldn't get her for me. They let me leave the hospital in a hospital gown with my shoes. I left the rest of my stuff there.
It was horrible you guys. Horrible.
The thing is folks - that's exactly how I feel - that I would kill myself if it happened again because knowing what I know now, I would rather do that than go through anything like what I went through the last time. I told the psychologist at the cancer center that - that I would kill myself if it happened again. She told me that it now says in my record that I am not to be allowed to leave the hospital in the event it ever happens again.
They let me leave.
I woke up.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
The Star
A few years ago now, maybe like 3 - my friend Elyssa did a tarot card reading for me. I don't really know what I think about this - she was into it and we would do this for fun. She used to do these every time we hung out. I've only seen her once in the past 3 years. The last one I had, was a past, present and future reading. So 3 cards, one representing each. My future card was one of the best cards you can get. I was cleaning out my wallet today and I found the description of the card. I've been carrying it around ever since. It was the star card and it says this:
The Star
"This is the card that tells you that you are being guided in the right direction. The picture displays a naked woman kneeling down beside a river with two jugs in her hand. She is pouring water from the jugs into the stream. In the background is a large star, almost directly above her head and seven other stars around it. There are birds, flowers, trees, shrubbery and green grass around her. She appears tranquil and at peace in her natural surroundings. If this is yourself, you are intuitively heading towards the direction of where you should be on your own personal path in life. You are also about to have much abundance enter your life through many and varied ways. If you have been looking for a certain job, more than likely you will achieve it and this will reflect what is going on inside you, which is finding your true niche in life. You are also able to express yourself more truthfully without hindrances from your past or your upbringing. Your intuition is extremely heightened at this time and can bring on flashes of insight to guide you through the many decisions you are going to be facing. Trust in your future and show great faith against the odds and you will succeed. Something to do with the country, or near a river or ocean may figure strongly in an event which will occur within about one month."
Funny, but reading this now, I think it is strangely accurate and reflects what has happened since I got this card. I got sober - my life is filled with abundance because of this - moved for the job I always wanted (I work near the river - not sure about that connection), had breast cancer which changed my whole life - had to make hard decisions but felt guided in doing so, I have faith that I didn't have before - basically my whole life has changed since I got this card. I feel more free than I ever have, more myself and like I can honor my own truth and be who I am. I feel like I am at the beginning of a new journey. Here's to my leave!
The Star
"This is the card that tells you that you are being guided in the right direction. The picture displays a naked woman kneeling down beside a river with two jugs in her hand. She is pouring water from the jugs into the stream. In the background is a large star, almost directly above her head and seven other stars around it. There are birds, flowers, trees, shrubbery and green grass around her. She appears tranquil and at peace in her natural surroundings. If this is yourself, you are intuitively heading towards the direction of where you should be on your own personal path in life. You are also about to have much abundance enter your life through many and varied ways. If you have been looking for a certain job, more than likely you will achieve it and this will reflect what is going on inside you, which is finding your true niche in life. You are also able to express yourself more truthfully without hindrances from your past or your upbringing. Your intuition is extremely heightened at this time and can bring on flashes of insight to guide you through the many decisions you are going to be facing. Trust in your future and show great faith against the odds and you will succeed. Something to do with the country, or near a river or ocean may figure strongly in an event which will occur within about one month."
Funny, but reading this now, I think it is strangely accurate and reflects what has happened since I got this card. I got sober - my life is filled with abundance because of this - moved for the job I always wanted (I work near the river - not sure about that connection), had breast cancer which changed my whole life - had to make hard decisions but felt guided in doing so, I have faith that I didn't have before - basically my whole life has changed since I got this card. I feel more free than I ever have, more myself and like I can honor my own truth and be who I am. I feel like I am at the beginning of a new journey. Here's to my leave!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Crumbling all around me
It just occurred to me, just now, that I am starting to freak out about my mammogram next Tuesday, July 29th at 12:15 Central time. We moved this mammogram up from September on the theory that I would be able to get the most out of my time off if it wasn't in anticipation of my whole world crumbling all around me again. The anticipation of these appointments is horrible. I keep thinking it has gotten better, but it hasn't. I am freaking out an entire week in advance.
I just try not to think about it. I try. And I think about it anyway. And what I think about is not something I can describe. What I feel is not something I can describe either. I've tried before and it isn't possible.
And when I tried to describe it before, this is what I said: "It's like hanging out with someone, that really means a lot to you. And you know that it's the last time you will hang out with them for a really long time, maybe ever. This might be goodbye, in fact, it probably is. But you don't like the idea of it, or the word even - you find it impossible to say, so you try to ignore that fact while it crowds out everything else until it's the only thing you can think about. The harder you try to ignore it, the more aware of it you are.
This person means so much to you that you count down the time you have left. You count down the days, the hours, right down to the minutes, the whole time anticipating that moment when you have to let go of them. This person means so much to you that you just desperately want to enjoy every second, so you try to, you focus on it. You concentrate on it, the minutes, you hear the seconds ticking even. You are desperate to make it last. You try so hard to make those last days and hours so perfect that you fail to enjoy it at all. Before you know it, it's over.
You've wasted the entire time anticipating the inevitable end. And you've anticipated it so hard that you missed the very thing you most wanted to savor. You beg for just a little more time, just a few more minutes - as if a few more minutes before the end can really mean anything or make any difference. You just don't want it to be over. You want to stop time.
Every second of the days that lead up to one of these appointments is just like this - it's like the last moment you will have with someone, and you know that it's over and you just don't want it to be, but you don't have any control over it, and try as you might to enjoy it, you can't because all you can think about is the inevitable ending. Just try to imagine the very worst possible thing that could happen to you - and how your life will be ripped out from underneath you when it happens - and you know that when it happens nothing will ever be the same again. And imagine you know just exactly when it's going to happen and how much time you have until then. And imagine what living in those moments is like - the impossibility of it."
Living in the anticipation of it is almost unbearable. The feelings, intolerable. And I have nothing to numb them.
My doctor describes it like this - she says it's like walking around with a hatchet hanging right above your head, and you don't know whether or when it's going to drop.
I am trying to live in spite of this. I feel like I have progressed no where.
I just try not to think about it. I try. And I think about it anyway. And what I think about is not something I can describe. What I feel is not something I can describe either. I've tried before and it isn't possible.
And when I tried to describe it before, this is what I said: "It's like hanging out with someone, that really means a lot to you. And you know that it's the last time you will hang out with them for a really long time, maybe ever. This might be goodbye, in fact, it probably is. But you don't like the idea of it, or the word even - you find it impossible to say, so you try to ignore that fact while it crowds out everything else until it's the only thing you can think about. The harder you try to ignore it, the more aware of it you are.
This person means so much to you that you count down the time you have left. You count down the days, the hours, right down to the minutes, the whole time anticipating that moment when you have to let go of them. This person means so much to you that you just desperately want to enjoy every second, so you try to, you focus on it. You concentrate on it, the minutes, you hear the seconds ticking even. You are desperate to make it last. You try so hard to make those last days and hours so perfect that you fail to enjoy it at all. Before you know it, it's over.
You've wasted the entire time anticipating the inevitable end. And you've anticipated it so hard that you missed the very thing you most wanted to savor. You beg for just a little more time, just a few more minutes - as if a few more minutes before the end can really mean anything or make any difference. You just don't want it to be over. You want to stop time.
Every second of the days that lead up to one of these appointments is just like this - it's like the last moment you will have with someone, and you know that it's over and you just don't want it to be, but you don't have any control over it, and try as you might to enjoy it, you can't because all you can think about is the inevitable ending. Just try to imagine the very worst possible thing that could happen to you - and how your life will be ripped out from underneath you when it happens - and you know that when it happens nothing will ever be the same again. And imagine you know just exactly when it's going to happen and how much time you have until then. And imagine what living in those moments is like - the impossibility of it."
Living in the anticipation of it is almost unbearable. The feelings, intolerable. And I have nothing to numb them.
My doctor describes it like this - she says it's like walking around with a hatchet hanging right above your head, and you don't know whether or when it's going to drop.
I am trying to live in spite of this. I feel like I have progressed no where.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
That my focus will be wrong
What worries me the most about my time off is that I will be so concerned with whether I am enjoying it enough, enjoying every single second, every moment, whether I am taking it all in, whether I am getting the most out of it, whether I am maximizing it, whether it is meaningful, whether it fulfills its purpose - that I will be so focused on this, that I will actually fail to enjoy it at all.
Not to mention the dread about going back....wait a second, I haven't even left yet and I'm already worried about having to go back? See what I mean?
Not to mention the dread about going back....wait a second, I haven't even left yet and I'm already worried about having to go back? See what I mean?
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Embarking
I am about to embark on my leave of absence from my job - in just a few more days. What does one do with a significant amount of time off? I was thinking about this and it occurred to me that I haven't had a significant amount of time off since I started working - so since I was 15. I have either always been a student and/or employed. And certainly I haven't had time off since graduating from law school. I mean, I had some time off, if you can call it that, but I was studying for a bar exam. And if you knew me in real life, you would know that I way over did it on the studying and passed by A LOT. But that's just like me. That doesn't count as time off, cause I studied like it was my job. So - a significant amount of time off - will I go crazy without my job to validate me and consume me? We'll see and I'll let you know how that goes. My big fear of course is getting bored and feeling useless. Too much of my identity is wrapped up in my job - but that's all about to change....
As far as the meds go that I am on -I waver on a daily basis as to whether I want to be on them, need to be on them. The days I feel really normal I think - this is great - I don't need to do this! Wait, what? On the days I feel really bad, I think, screw this - I don't want to do this. I haven't had very many days when I feel totally even and normal - but today was one of those days, so it is getting better, more level and less extreme. I'm still not up to the right dose - it just takes a long time, another week and a half and I will be.
I don't really know what other options I have than to stick this out and see if the meds work, because the thing is, my mood cycling is borderline dangerous - it wasn't always, but now it is. I sort of think I tried everything to fix it and well, I ran out of options. I don't have control over it, so what else can I do?
I will say this though, not only is it leveling my mood out, some anyway, it has gotten rid of my anxiety (on the days when I feel good) (well, except about money) and it also has had the nice side effect of turning down the crazy in my head. Meaning the ism - of alcoholism, the crazy making in your head, the insanity, the thinking, the way your mind works, the obsessive thinking, the worrying, the catastrophizing of everything, the worst case scenario thinking - all of it - the crazy - it has taken it all down a notch, or ten. Dare I say, I do feel "normal." (Or what I think normal is anyway)
I'll be posting more during my leave...
As far as the meds go that I am on -I waver on a daily basis as to whether I want to be on them, need to be on them. The days I feel really normal I think - this is great - I don't need to do this! Wait, what? On the days I feel really bad, I think, screw this - I don't want to do this. I haven't had very many days when I feel totally even and normal - but today was one of those days, so it is getting better, more level and less extreme. I'm still not up to the right dose - it just takes a long time, another week and a half and I will be.
I don't really know what other options I have than to stick this out and see if the meds work, because the thing is, my mood cycling is borderline dangerous - it wasn't always, but now it is. I sort of think I tried everything to fix it and well, I ran out of options. I don't have control over it, so what else can I do?
I will say this though, not only is it leveling my mood out, some anyway, it has gotten rid of my anxiety (on the days when I feel good) (well, except about money) and it also has had the nice side effect of turning down the crazy in my head. Meaning the ism - of alcoholism, the crazy making in your head, the insanity, the thinking, the way your mind works, the obsessive thinking, the worrying, the catastrophizing of everything, the worst case scenario thinking - all of it - the crazy - it has taken it all down a notch, or ten. Dare I say, I do feel "normal." (Or what I think normal is anyway)
I'll be posting more during my leave...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Very soon
I don't know why, but I just can't seem to post regularly these days. Oh wait, I do know why - it's because my leave starts soon so work is trying to get as much out of me as possible in a few short days. So I am working like crazy. Thing is - I should be more stressed about it and about all the things that aren't going to be done, but I'm not really. The medication must be doing something - whether or not it has leveled my mood is up for debate but it has cut my anxiety level at least in half. Either that, or I just simply no longer give a shit because I have needed out of here so badly for so long.
Did you hear that? My leave - it starts soon. I'll be back to posting regularly very soon...hopefully posting about how relaxing it is and how I am enjoying literally every last second of it.
Soon. Just have to hold out a little longer.
Did you hear that? My leave - it starts soon. I'll be back to posting regularly very soon...hopefully posting about how relaxing it is and how I am enjoying literally every last second of it.
Soon. Just have to hold out a little longer.
Friday, July 11, 2008
The first day in nine days
Sorry that I keep going MIA. I just don't feel like writing I guess, or my thoughts have been too muddled to get anything out, and really, anything I have to say is boring anyway. That combined with the fact that I haven't been feeling great - mentally/emotionally, and as the date of my departure fast approaches, they are working me into the ground.
I have set a date - I am leaving early - not yet, but prior to August 1. I'm happy about it. The form is in. It is covered by FMLA and my short term disability. I should have gone a long time ago. But the guilt has prevented me. The thing is - I am the only one who feels like I don't deserve this time off. Everyone else thinks I deserve it. Even the people I work for have said that.
Though they seem to understand and not understand at the same time. Or maybe they just simply don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation - but that is partially because they don't know the details of what is going, nor do they need to. In any event, when I told them that I needed to leave early - the response was okay, but could you do 25 things first, this new project, finish those old three, wrap up these other six things... and I thought to myself - this is half of the reason I need out of here. I have the work load of two people and I can't get a break.
So, in preparation for my leave of absence, I will be working probably 12 hours a day until the day I leave and maybe some on the weekends also. I'm okay with it I guess.
Really my ability to handle it depends entirely on the day - or the hour sometimes. Today is the first day in nine that I have felt in the middle, even, dare I say, like a normal person. Last Thursday I went in the depressed direction and pretty low one day. And then on Tuesday-Thursday of this week I was the other way - hypomanic. Is the medication working? Why does this all seem so intolerable now? I still can't figure out what happened that I lost the ability to tolerate this fluctuation.
And then a funny thing happened Wednesday when I was hypomanic - I realized how much I love that feeling. It allowed me to be super productive, motivated, optimistic, happy, alive, mind racing, moving through tasks 1000 miles an hour, feeling like anything was possible, like I could do anything (sometimes the up is more of an agitated, angry, anxious feeling - not so great). I love it - the good kind of up. I love it almost as much as I love the numb feeling that I get from drinking. And it only really occurred to me yesterday, when briefly I had it and I realized how much I didn't really want to give it up. That up feeling - it's how I cope with the stress of my job. I get into the "zone" where I am able to work 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a few weeks on end. That's how I deal with it.
Thing is - work is that busy right now - with me trying to leave. But I can't get fully into the "zone" anymore.
So naturally what happened Wednesday is that I became obsessed with it. OBSESSED. The way a person becomes obsessed with the feeling they get from drinking in early sobriety. Where you think, I want it, I need it, I have to have it, I cannot live without it. It totally caught me off guard and surprised me that I would feel that way about the manic feeling. But why wouldn't I? Who wouldn't love that feeling? Plus, I am an avoider and it is a great distraction. I get numb when I get that way - numb to my other feelings that is. The obsession went so far that I started to think about the fact that even though I have told all these people I am on bipolar medication - I could simply stop taking it and just not tell anyone and continue to have my mood cycle the way it always has. Like every alcoholic I know sometimes thinks - but I could drink and no one would know. I won't of course stop taking it - I mean hell, I'm still waiting to see if it's going to work, I just thought about it. The up is really great - most of the time, though you don't always know what you are going to get. But the down - it's scary.
So what's going to happen now that I've lost my two favorite feelings in the world, and possibly my two best coping mechanisms?
The past nine days have been exhausting in some ways and almost intolerable. I am grateful for even one day of feeling "normal."
I have set a date - I am leaving early - not yet, but prior to August 1. I'm happy about it. The form is in. It is covered by FMLA and my short term disability. I should have gone a long time ago. But the guilt has prevented me. The thing is - I am the only one who feels like I don't deserve this time off. Everyone else thinks I deserve it. Even the people I work for have said that.
Though they seem to understand and not understand at the same time. Or maybe they just simply don't appreciate the seriousness of the situation - but that is partially because they don't know the details of what is going, nor do they need to. In any event, when I told them that I needed to leave early - the response was okay, but could you do 25 things first, this new project, finish those old three, wrap up these other six things... and I thought to myself - this is half of the reason I need out of here. I have the work load of two people and I can't get a break.
So, in preparation for my leave of absence, I will be working probably 12 hours a day until the day I leave and maybe some on the weekends also. I'm okay with it I guess.
Really my ability to handle it depends entirely on the day - or the hour sometimes. Today is the first day in nine that I have felt in the middle, even, dare I say, like a normal person. Last Thursday I went in the depressed direction and pretty low one day. And then on Tuesday-Thursday of this week I was the other way - hypomanic. Is the medication working? Why does this all seem so intolerable now? I still can't figure out what happened that I lost the ability to tolerate this fluctuation.
And then a funny thing happened Wednesday when I was hypomanic - I realized how much I love that feeling. It allowed me to be super productive, motivated, optimistic, happy, alive, mind racing, moving through tasks 1000 miles an hour, feeling like anything was possible, like I could do anything (sometimes the up is more of an agitated, angry, anxious feeling - not so great). I love it - the good kind of up. I love it almost as much as I love the numb feeling that I get from drinking. And it only really occurred to me yesterday, when briefly I had it and I realized how much I didn't really want to give it up. That up feeling - it's how I cope with the stress of my job. I get into the "zone" where I am able to work 14 hours a day 7 days a week for a few weeks on end. That's how I deal with it.
Thing is - work is that busy right now - with me trying to leave. But I can't get fully into the "zone" anymore.
So naturally what happened Wednesday is that I became obsessed with it. OBSESSED. The way a person becomes obsessed with the feeling they get from drinking in early sobriety. Where you think, I want it, I need it, I have to have it, I cannot live without it. It totally caught me off guard and surprised me that I would feel that way about the manic feeling. But why wouldn't I? Who wouldn't love that feeling? Plus, I am an avoider and it is a great distraction. I get numb when I get that way - numb to my other feelings that is. The obsession went so far that I started to think about the fact that even though I have told all these people I am on bipolar medication - I could simply stop taking it and just not tell anyone and continue to have my mood cycle the way it always has. Like every alcoholic I know sometimes thinks - but I could drink and no one would know. I won't of course stop taking it - I mean hell, I'm still waiting to see if it's going to work, I just thought about it. The up is really great - most of the time, though you don't always know what you are going to get. But the down - it's scary.
So what's going to happen now that I've lost my two favorite feelings in the world, and possibly my two best coping mechanisms?
The past nine days have been exhausting in some ways and almost intolerable. I am grateful for even one day of feeling "normal."
Sunday, July 06, 2008
I'm trying but it isn't working
I'm trying to be okay until August 1st for my leave. Why? I don't know anymore. I'm trying but it isn't working.
I posted oh, almost two weeks ago about having lost control over my mood fluctuations. Okay maybe I never had total control over it - but in any event, what control I did have, I lost, suddenly. I actually scared myself. Anyway, I started taking bipolar medication going on 5 weeks ago now. I think it's working, but the truth is, I'm still having bad days when my mood is all over the place, out of my control and making me feel crazy. So I can't tell really. I had three days last week where I felt like wow - this is working. I think I feel like what a normal person feels like on a regular basis. Except that I don't have a normal to compare it to - but I thought that I felt something like normal.
That was Monday through Wednesday of last week. But since Thursday - I haven't felt great - up or down, crazy sort of, anxious, freaking out over things. And when I have days like that, days in a row, I think - why am I bothering to take this crap - it isn't working. I might as well stop taking it. I'm trying to hold out because I know that it takes a long time to build up to the right dose on one of the drugs - but my patience is wearing thin. But then again, if i stop taking it, then what happens - I just stay the same? I'd be in the same boat. Is it actually maybe a little bit better now than it was? It only feels like it some days. I've had 4 days in a row that haven't really been good. I can't tell if this is working and I am frustrated.
So I haven't felt like posting and I don't really have anything to post about.
I've needed to go out on my leave since the beginning of June. Actually make that since the beginning of February. Some people have been encouraging me to just go early - g0 now - and I think they are right, it's just that I haven't been able to get myself to out of feelings of guilt and other things. The thing is, there is no good time for me to go - there is always going to be more work, deadlines, projects that only I can do, supposedly, there is always going to be just one more thing. Are they going to let me go? I look at the calendar - the number of days left until August 1 - and think about the projects that need to be moved forward, concluded, shifted to someone else. August 1st would be tough, so why not go now? I know what to do, just go - but why can't I get myself to? It makes me feel like crying.
The truth is, I don't feel good about waiting. I don't feel good about going to work tomorrow.
I posted oh, almost two weeks ago about having lost control over my mood fluctuations. Okay maybe I never had total control over it - but in any event, what control I did have, I lost, suddenly. I actually scared myself. Anyway, I started taking bipolar medication going on 5 weeks ago now. I think it's working, but the truth is, I'm still having bad days when my mood is all over the place, out of my control and making me feel crazy. So I can't tell really. I had three days last week where I felt like wow - this is working. I think I feel like what a normal person feels like on a regular basis. Except that I don't have a normal to compare it to - but I thought that I felt something like normal.
That was Monday through Wednesday of last week. But since Thursday - I haven't felt great - up or down, crazy sort of, anxious, freaking out over things. And when I have days like that, days in a row, I think - why am I bothering to take this crap - it isn't working. I might as well stop taking it. I'm trying to hold out because I know that it takes a long time to build up to the right dose on one of the drugs - but my patience is wearing thin. But then again, if i stop taking it, then what happens - I just stay the same? I'd be in the same boat. Is it actually maybe a little bit better now than it was? It only feels like it some days. I've had 4 days in a row that haven't really been good. I can't tell if this is working and I am frustrated.
So I haven't felt like posting and I don't really have anything to post about.
I've needed to go out on my leave since the beginning of June. Actually make that since the beginning of February. Some people have been encouraging me to just go early - g0 now - and I think they are right, it's just that I haven't been able to get myself to out of feelings of guilt and other things. The thing is, there is no good time for me to go - there is always going to be more work, deadlines, projects that only I can do, supposedly, there is always going to be just one more thing. Are they going to let me go? I look at the calendar - the number of days left until August 1 - and think about the projects that need to be moved forward, concluded, shifted to someone else. August 1st would be tough, so why not go now? I know what to do, just go - but why can't I get myself to? It makes me feel like crying.
The truth is, I don't feel good about waiting. I don't feel good about going to work tomorrow.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
An almond in a bunch of grapes
I am not sure this is the best comparison, but it's what my surgeon said. When I had breast cancer, it definitely didn't feel like an almond - it felt like a very very large grape. Nevertheless, that's what she said - think of it that way when I look for things. I have lumpy breast tissue, not a lot of fat and very dense. And a breast cancer that didn't feel like breast cancer - so, how the hell am I supposed to know what I am feeling?
Two and a half weeks ago I had an appointment with my oncologist - just a follow-up. I posted about it - it was fine, except that I couldn't get comfortable with the outcome. She said there was nothing there - that the lump that I felt in my left breast, the one I didn't have it in - was a gland and was nothing.
Now, how comfortable would you feel if you had previously had breast cancer and your doctor said, yeah, I feel the lump, but it is nothing? And I trust my doctors - I have good doctors. But does my doctor actually expect me to be satisfied with her guarantee that based on feel alone, the lump is nothing?
I tried, for two and a half weeks to get comfortable with it. But how can you - when you know in the back of your mind that if it is something - you are wasting very valuable time. I just couldn't get comfortable with it.
So I went to my surgeon which is what my onc told me to do. And she said yes, I feel the lumps, they are nothing, I am sure of it. But she did an ultrasound anyway, because I told her I could not function the fear and anxiety were so bad, and indeed, there is nothing there. We looked at my lumpy breast tissue, the ducts, my nipple, my muscle, the little bit of fat.
Now I feel relieved, finally. Don't I? I feel like I should feel more relieved than I do.
She told me to come see her every three months instead of every 6 and she will do a breast exam so that I don't have to. I can relax people - well, except that I have a mammogram on the 29th.
Two and a half weeks ago I had an appointment with my oncologist - just a follow-up. I posted about it - it was fine, except that I couldn't get comfortable with the outcome. She said there was nothing there - that the lump that I felt in my left breast, the one I didn't have it in - was a gland and was nothing.
Now, how comfortable would you feel if you had previously had breast cancer and your doctor said, yeah, I feel the lump, but it is nothing? And I trust my doctors - I have good doctors. But does my doctor actually expect me to be satisfied with her guarantee that based on feel alone, the lump is nothing?
I tried, for two and a half weeks to get comfortable with it. But how can you - when you know in the back of your mind that if it is something - you are wasting very valuable time. I just couldn't get comfortable with it.
So I went to my surgeon which is what my onc told me to do. And she said yes, I feel the lumps, they are nothing, I am sure of it. But she did an ultrasound anyway, because I told her I could not function the fear and anxiety were so bad, and indeed, there is nothing there. We looked at my lumpy breast tissue, the ducts, my nipple, my muscle, the little bit of fat.
Now I feel relieved, finally. Don't I? I feel like I should feel more relieved than I do.
She told me to come see her every three months instead of every 6 and she will do a breast exam so that I don't have to. I can relax people - well, except that I have a mammogram on the 29th.
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