Why now? As opposed to when?

I admit that things are not going well in terms of keeping it together at work. That would be an understatement. I guess I should say, things are not going well in terms of keeping it together just generally - work is just one thing that is being affected. My mental state is the other and that means everything is being affected.

I knew when I agreed to wait to take time off that it would not be easy. I did not realize just how not easy it would be. I should have known because I have needed time off since the very end of January. And I've now been waiting 5 months. This is no longer about needing to deal with the fact that I had breast cancer and how to live my life in spite of that.

I did not know that every unresolved issue that I have was going to be brought to my attention in the interim while I waited, that I would lose control over my mood swingy issues or rather that the illusion of control would be so suddenly removed, or that what once worked to numb me out (my job) would inexplicably stop working.

I'm cracking. Under the weight of everything - my childhood, what happened to me, the stress of my job, my mood swingyness that is not worked out and feels intolerable. I'm just cracking under the weight of it. I have days, seriously, where I feel like I am going crazy. Where I feel like someone else.

And I don't understand why this is happening to me. Why now? Why at all? I was so good in a crisis situation and under pressure - I don't know what happened that I now can't keep it together, even in my own head, in the midst of what is seemingly a non-crisis. I don't know why I can't get my shit together and figure this out. All I know is that I need to go on leave. I need to go before I come completely undone. I need to go now - but I am having all kinds of guilt about it and feelings of not deserving it - feeling bad about it, worrying that they will be mad that I couldn't hold out (because I agreed to wait until August 1) or mad that I need more than 4 weeks. So I try to hold out and it becomes ever more intolerable. It's not good folks.

I don't know what to do.

A wide open field, revolving doors and a large knife

I really don't spend a lot of time analyzing my dreams, but...

Last night I took melatonin to help me sleep. Well, when I take this - I have weird dreams, every time. Melatonin works well for me - I sleep a lot better when I take it - except for the dreams.

Last night I had a dream that I was in a wide open field of grass - some trees, a few bushes. I was crouched down behind a bush - watching over my shoulder, frantically typing an email on a lap top. Because what else would I be doing in a wide open field, hiding behind a bush but sending emails?

Next, I was stuck with a bunch of other people between two train platforms. All we wanted to do was get to the restaurant and we kept going back and forth between the two platforms - underground, above ground, back underground, above ground. We could see the restaurant but we couldn't figure out how to get to it. And the thing about the revolving doors is that they were going so fast that you had to time it perfectly, kind of like jumping into a jump rope being twirled, otherwise you got squashed.

Next, I was at home - although it was different than my current home. It was a house, not a condo and there were windows, huge ones, everywhere. Someone was after me. Now this is a typical dream for me - recurring - I am in a house and someone is after me. I hide in the closet or in the attic after I run around the house trying to lock windows and doors - sometimes I run away from the house. It is always night and it is always a man after me. This time, it was broad daylight and it was a woman. I locked all the windows but she was in the house already. She came after me with a giant silver butcher knife.

I kicked the shit out of her.

What does any of this mean?

My life with a 2 year old

I don't have a 2 year old. But I borrowed one today. My nephew, I borrowed him today. I like to do that sometimes when I come into town. Take him for the day. The day that I have when I do this is in such stark contrast to my normal life - like I've said before, my nephew makes me question everything. I've never explained what I mean by this, though I've said it before. Maybe I'll explain later.

Anyway, we were all ready to go. Diaper bag on shoulder, purse, my water bottle, his juice bottle, my socks, extra socks for him, lunch box, double check for the door key in case we forgot something, oh and the phone, car key. I feel like there was something else in my hand also. I said, "are we ready? Let's go!" He said, "I pooped." Well crap. Literally. I took him at his word because my brother said he will now tell you when he poops. Normally I would give it a sniff before going to the trouble, but I believed him.

So we put everything down. Got his diaper off and I said, "you didn't poop!" He cackled and said "NO! I farked!!!!"

The extremes of me

I have always lived in the extreme.

In terms of my thinking - it is very all or nothing, black and white. Things are or they aren't, the explanations are simple, not complicated. There is little room for interpretation. There is no in between, ever. It is either a success or a failure. It is only after having been in AA for a while that I have come to appreciate the varying shades of grey that is life sometimes and the fact that we do things for reasons that are complicated, that most things are complicated. That there are more than two sides to every story and that we may both be right.

And I also live in the extreme in terms of my mood, my emotions. I am up or I am down. Never in the middle, ever. It is only very recently that I have realized that I might not even know what in the middle is or what it feels like. I've been asking people to describe it to me - and what they describe is something I am utterly unfamiliar with.

If you've been reading this for any length of time, then you know how my mood sometimes changes on a dime. I don't always post about it, but I have. The way that I go from everything is wonderful to why am I alive at the drop of a hat. It is literally like flipping a switch. It is unpredictable and unexpected. The floor drops out from underneath me and I find myself in a place where I am unsure whether I can continue to live. And the next thing I know - everything is wonderful again.

When everything is wonderful - I feel great, I feel alive, I feel motivated, I am productive, energetic, I feel like I can do anything, sometimes I have a hard time sleeping, sometimes a hard time concentrating - I'm just trying to do too many things at once. Sometimes I can't shut my head off and it races like it is trying to do 25 things at once. And then on the flip side, I wonder why I am alive. I feel like nothing will ever be okay and that my life is pointless and everything is hopeless. I feel like I will not make it and like I cannot get myself out of it.

And so I go back and forth between these two extremes - sometimes it only takes 24 hours. I wake up with the everything is wonderful attitude and by the time I go to bed I am devastated and crying on the floor. Sometimes it is a 3 day cycle. Sometimes a few weeks. And I think I have had a few stretches that have been longer. It's hard to say really - I have been this way since I can remember so I would say since I was about 15. It is the only way I know how to live.

It has become predictable over the years, only in that I know that following an up will be a down, the down will involve something like a crash and that the higher the high, the lower the low.

I have resisted doing something about this until now. Just because. It's just the way that I am. Denial is a powerful thing.

Why now? Well, something changed. It happened just the way it did with drinking. I thought I had such great control over drinking (little did I know that exercising such extreme control over it is an alcoholic thing to do). And then one day, I just lost it- I lost the control that I had. It was gone, suddenly and without explanation I lost my ability to control how much I drank.

All these years I thought I had such excellent control over my mood - not that I had any control over it - but that I handled it well. Something happened and I don't know what, but my ability to handle it is gone. It has become intolerable. The up leaves me feeling totally out of control and so does the down. The up is too far up and the down has become dangerous. That's what has been going on these past several weeks that I have hardly posted. Emotional upheaval, realizations and trying to figure out what to do about it. What is the truth about this?

This may come as a surprise to the people who read this who know me. Because although they may know that I tend to fluctuate in terms of my emotions - I don't think anyone has ever been aware of just how extreme it really is sometimes. How extreme, or how dangerous. I have mostly lived alone for the past 10 years so no one really has a view into this part of me. No one is around to watch and because it changes so quickly and I don't always talk about it , in fact I talk about it very little, well, no one really knows what goes on with me.

Well, I was talking to someone about it, about my mood fluctuations, right in the midst of my apparent and sudden inability to deal with it - maybe being totally honest about it for the first time ever with anyone. I realized just how not normal it is - because see, I always thought that my up mood was the way that other people felt when they felt normal and happy - turns out it isn't. So to make a long story short, well, I am trying bipolar medication. My doctor says that what I describe is bipolar type II, but rapid or ultra ultra rapid cycling. I think I have always known this, but resisted being labeled. Probably because it is like being an alcoholic - it's a problem that does not go away, that only gets worse and that you have to do something about. And I can attest to the fact that yes, indeed, it has gotten worse over the years.

I did try 3 anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs in the past year for anxiety - two a year ago and one recently with the bipolar drug and I can't take them. We tried it originally because it was not obvious to the first doctor whether the up that I described was truly an up or just anxiety. Those drugs send me way up towards the manic side of things or make me borderline suicidal. My second doctor said yeah, those drugs do that to some bipolar people. So I can't take them.

And here's the thing - I said okay I'll try it - I think largely on the same theory that I went to AA on - sure I'll go to AA, I'll go to prove that I am not an alcoholic. Yeah, that wasn't what happened. So under that same theory, I said okay - thinking that the medication wouldn't work, I would be proven not to be bipolar and I could what? Go back to dealing with it cause it's the way I am and no medication can fix it? I don't know - I was too desperate to think that far ahead. Desperate. I was desperate for some relief from what was becoming dangerous and totally out of my control.

And shit people, the bipolar medication is working.

With the lamps plugged in and no work in my bag...

Hi folks. Sorry again for the lack of posting. I'll get back on that in the next few days.

For now - just wanted to say that I am leaving for Michigan for a long weekend and looking forward to it. I'll post from there...

And, I didn't unplug the lamps - why does that matter - I'll tell you later.

And, I have no work in my bag. Boundaries people. I am getting some.

The truth about me

I remember when I first got sober, a friend said to me - you seem to be struggling with what is and isn't the truth about you. The question of course was whether I was or wasn't an alcoholic which ultimately does not initially depend on whether I believe it to be true. I either am or I am not and no amount of thinking I am not can make it so if I am. My sobriety obviously depends on me believing it, but that doesn't change the fact of it. I am either in acceptance or in denial. You still have the problem regardless, it's just that if it is true and you accept it, you get to do something about it - you get to be in the solution as we say. But you still have the problem regardless of denying it. Denying something doesn't make it go away. Really? Hmm.

I'm thinking of this only because I am having a similar internal struggle but it is a different question. I ultimately obviously did finally concede to the fact that I do in fact belong in AA. I eventually achieved that acceptance over what turned out to very definitely be the truth about me. But it wasn't easy necessarily to get there. It took a while.

And I remember my friend saying to me that it is like a weight lifting off of you when you finally concede it and surrender yourself to the truth - you feel like - what a relief to know what is wrong with me and that there is something I can do about it. At least you know there is a solution and you don't have to live the way you were living anymore.

This thing that I am having an internal conflict over - it is a question of what is the truth and a matter of accepting it. And it is or it isn't the truth. I either am or I'm not. It is or it isn't a problem, regardless of my denying it.

Have I? Run out of options?

Sorry again for not posting more regularly. I've been going through a bit of emotional upheaval and just haven't been able to post in the midst of it. (But I will post about it soon). It's just that sometimes, everything comes to a head all at once. And I do mean literally, every, last, little thing. All. At. Once. And I am in agony. It is the agony of running out of options. It is the jumping off point as we say in AA - it is the moment when you surrender, finally, completely and entirely. Why? Because you have run out of options. Have I? Run out of options?

The only solace is the fact that the most progress, spiritual and otherwise, follows on the heels of excruciating pain. I know because this has been my experience in sobriety. The greatest progress comes from the greatest pain.

At the AA meeting tonight, someone said something that stuck in my head. Well two things. That the fundamental point of Step 1 is to turn around and face it. That you have to walk into it, directly. And that you have to surrender to have any hope of grace.

Face it. Walk into it. If you are looking for me, I'm headed in that direction.

Two celebratory cookies, a brownie and a raspberry bar because we have something to celebrate

My appointment was fine. There is one thing that I am worried about but I am trying to be rational. We feel something on the other side (or at the very least I do, and I think she did) but my doctor says it is a gland. Hmm. I have to keep telling myself that if she had any doubt in her mind, any at all, even a little, we would be checking and double checking and triple checking. I'm not totally comfortable with the fact that we aren't checking, but that's how sure she is that there is nothing there.

Now, what are we celebrating? We are celebrating that I passed the critical "two year" mark without incident and without even knowing it. You see, apparently, when they tell you that it is most likely to come back in the first 2 years - they count that two years from the date of diagnosis not the date of completing treatment. So two years came and went - right at the time that I was dreading my birthday and I didn't even know that I had something to celebrate.

Of course that doesn't mean it won't come back but - well, why can't I just be positive about it?! I passed the first hurdle. Now she says there is a 5-10% chance that it will come back in the next 8 years, and if it doesn't, then I am in the clear - it won't come back. She says there is even less chance of it showing up as a different incident rather than a recurrence. This is all based on the combination of factors, type of cancer, etc. Those aren't bad odds, right? My oncologist says that basically means that it isn't coming back, so I better figure out how to live.

I want to believe her, but I can't seem to. She's so confident about it that it scares me.

So, anyway, I am celebrating with my favorite things from my favorite bakery and you can have some too if you come visit me...Jod...!!

I might as well blog

I figure I might as well post because I am not doing anything else. Although lately I feel like I don't have much to say. I am trying to work, but unsuccessfully. I've mostly been unsuccessful at working for two weeks now. I don't totally know why. A combination of my erratic mood swings, something else I can't post about, this appointment, and other unidentified things. Right now I am listening to my secretary have a shouting match half-way across the office with the facilities guy about which side of the file folder the label should go on and whether files should be done left to right or right to left. Seriously, they are screaming at each other.

I am not feeling too bad about this appointment that I have at 3:45 at the moment - but what I am feeling bad about is my inability to deal with what I went through on a larger scale. I need to figure this out because right now, the terrorists are winning as a friend would say. And she is right, they are. The fear I have about this happening again and what it will mean more or less rules my life. It is ruining my life in my opinion. Most days I feel like this whole experience has ruined my life. I have only moments where I am not overwhelmed by the fear of it and those moments are only when I am with my nephew Ellis. Otherwise, it colors every thought I have, everything I do, my relationships with everyone, my future plans, or lack thereof, everything. And I realized recently that it has ruined my ability or maybe I should just say taken away my desire to ever get involved with another man. Because when it happens again, I would rather just be alone. I don't want to put another person through that. I don't want someone to have to watch me die a miserable, horrible death. And if I know that the odds of it happening to me are double the odds of it happening to someone who has never had it - well, then I feel like I should just be alone. It's just how I feel. It is a kind of suffering and pain that I don't want to put on someone else and I can avoid doing that. It is something that I am incapable of sharing with another person. I don't even really like to mention these appointments, and sometimes I don't, because truly, I would really just rather deal with it alone. I don't want anyone there, I don't want anyone to do anything. I don't think it's a normal reaction to this situation, but it's the way I am.

Of course I have had moments in the aftermath where it felt like perhaps it had changed my life for the better - because I have a deep appreciation for just how easily your life can be changed or taken from you in a split second. But it doesn't last. The knowing what does and doesn't matter in life doesn't last. The living in the moment doesn't last. And you might think that it would be easier after I what I went through, to enjoy life and to really experience it and live it and love every second of it. But it is actually harder, to my surprise. Before I lived in this state of unawareness that we all live in I suppose to some extent, where we don't think about dying young, of course we don't, because why would we? We assume we have this life ahead of us and that our dreams will come true because why wouldn't we think that? For me, I think it about it everyday, about dying, all day, all the time. I think about what will happen and when and who I will be leaving behind and how sad it makes me. I think about what I will never experience and never have and all the regrets that already overwhelm me. I think about how angry I will be to have wasted the precious little time that I did have, yet I can't stop. It is preventing me from living. Because what's the point anyway? But what if I live? What if I don't die, only to find that I wasted the time and all of the opportunities? Right now what I wish is that I could let go of everything I ever wanted in life so that I could stop living in the fear of never experiencing it. That's what I want.

And I know what you are thinking, you could be hit by a bus tomorrow. What's the difference, you don't live in fear of that. And you are right, I could be and no, I don't live in fear of it. It's just that, well, that isn't the same. And I know you don't understand if you haven't been through it, and I don't expect you to. And don't suggest that I try a support group, because I don't want to and I'm not going to. I have a strong aversion to support groups, well, except AA if you call that a support group - which I don't. Because see I don't want to sit around and talk about it all the time. I don't want to think about it all the time, anymore, ever. I am tired of talking about it. I am tired of thinking about it.

The time in between these appointments is better, it's less in my face, it's easier to ignore, I can sometimes even convince myself that it never happened even though every time I take my shirt off I have a reminder. It's just that ignoring it isn't working as well as I would like it to and I think eventually it may stop working all together.

It is quite possible that this doesn't become better, it doesn't get better, or easier, it only becomes different.

I am starting to panic

I am soliciting prayers again.

Hi folks. Bad week again - not work wise so much as mentally and emotionally.

I have a follow-up doctor's appointment with my oncologist on Friday. I've known about this for a while. I thought I was fine about this. Well, this morning, I started to panic. I am totally in panic mode. I almost can't function. I wonder if that is why I have been a mess the past two weeks and just didn't realize it.

Why am I panicking? Remember how the last follow-up went? They thought I might have breast cancer again. See HERE, HERE and HERE.

I wish I could describe to you what kind of hell I am in. Go read the post at the first link - that's the only way I can describe it. It is agonizing, it is terrifying, it is debilitating, I can't live like this. I can't live this way anymore you guys. I can't do it. This is destroying my life. I need some other way to deal with this.

And, here's the thing - this should be a nothing appointment - it is what I call an "in between" appointment. If I am this scared of an appointment that should not be all that scary - then imagine the next one when I have a mammogram. And am I going to do another MRI - which was disastrous the last time? Cause if I am - I have to do that in mid-July. Unfortunately, this next mammogram is scheduled for September 11th. Is the anticipation of it going to ruin my leave of absence? Do I need to move it?

I can't do this anymore. I can't.

I need people to pray for me.

As far as weekends go

As far as things go, and given what has been going on with me and my mood, this weekend wasn't bad. I felt pretty much okay. It's never long enough though. Every Sunday, as I dread going to work the next day (and why do I dread it anyway when I like my job so much?), I think about how desperately I need the time off. It can't come soon enough. Every part of me just wants to take some sick days here and there get myself through until August. Maybe I will. Mental health days.

Anyway, I've been feeling pretty good about work. A lot less stressed. It's busy and I'm not worried about it. Even in the midst of feeling the way I felt last week, I didn't really feel stressed about work. I think I've been able to have better boundaries and not feel bad about it. Like walking out of work at 7 even when I still have stuff to do and there is a deadline and just not worrying about what isn't getting done. It's nice actually. No more working on vacations, holidays, weekends or super late more than two days per week. I'm sticking to that. Okay, I'll give in on the occasional weekend, but only under extraordinary circumstances.

Otherwise, I exercised twice this weekend, did my usual grocery shopping and went to Target (where I spent $88 on things I didn't need), cleaned my entire condo, did laundry, went to a meeting. It's been decent I guess. I've been more motivated than I have been in a long time, that's for sure.

Can you say, oooohhhhhhh

This is where I think I am going to go for part of my leave. CLICK HERE. Yes, between the cost of the stay (which is all inclusive), plus the plane ticket, it will probably cost me $5,000. But I deserve it, right? I can afford it - I'm not spending money I don't have. It's okay, right? I shouldn't feel guilty about spending the money, right?

From sad, to fine, to devastated, to happy, to sad, to fine

I'm back.

As I said, I had a horrible week. I can't really put my finger on why, or tell you what was wrong about it even. It just wasn't good, in any way. Well, one thing did happen on Monday that I can't blog about, which threw me for a bit of an emotional loop (which may still be having an impact on me). But I was on a roller coaster ride anyway it seemed - the week before this week also. In two weeks I have gone from sad, to fine, to devastated, to happy, to sad, to fine, to not okay, to okay, to so so, back to fine, devastated, fine, hopeless, okay, all mixed up with some anxiety, a little OCD and a serious inability to concentrate on anything at all. I've been on this day or two day turn around of my emotions. It's exhausting actually. It's sometimes a bit difficult to live like this. At least this week it has been.

It's not uncommon for my mood to cycle like this, I've blogged about it and how I've never gotten to the bottom of it really - it just seemed, I don't know, not right this week, maybe more uncomfortable to sit through, pretty bad I guess. Then again, from my own perspective, it's hard to judge because how would I know really - it's just what I'm used to. I've been this way since I can remember. Is it bad, I don't know? Is it out of the ordinary, I don't know? If you asked the person I've been talking to on instant message all week, she would probably say, uh, yeah, bad.

I don't think it really normally cycles quite this fast - I just feel all out of whack - I still feel out of whack. Sometimes my mood is pretty even (for a few weeks or maybe a few months at a time). So it can be very confusing. When it' s all out of whack I start to get worried and think I need to do something about it. When it's relatively stable I don't think I need to. The bad part doesn't last, but neither does the good part. I've never gotten to the bottom of it - I've always just dealt with it. I tried Lexapro briefly a year ago and although it was good for a few weeks, I got really depressed on it so I freaked out and then gave up trying to do something about it. It's easy to talk myself out of exploring whether I might be able to not feel this way, because well, when I feel good, I feel really pretty good.

And work didn't go well this week. And I can't put my finger on what wasn't going right there either. I was busy, but not that busy. I felt extremely busy for a day or two in the past two weeks, but things are manageable. I just don't know what is wrong. Projects were not going well, they were taking too long....

But on a positive note, I am doing a good job of setting boundaries at work. And, I went and walked on the treadmill tonight when I got home. That's the first time I've exercised in 4 months.

I am sorry for not posting

I know you have been checking - sorry for not posting. I'm having a really bad week.