On the other hand

Is the stress REALLY worth the money?  That's the real question.  That is the question that I am basically trying to find the answer to.  Is the stress that I am under really worth the reward I get in the end.  There is a cut off.  A definite end point.  There is definite point at which the stress and the work and the responsibility simply aren't worth the extra money anymore. What is that point?    It is different for everyone I guess.  What does it mean - I don't really know how to articulate it.  I just know that there is such  an end point

I'm on the cusp of it.

10.5

I know I said I wasn't going to say anything about my job anymore, but, well, I am.  Nothing bad, I am just thinking out loud that's all.  I've been sitting in the lull all week.  Barely able to bill 9 hours when I need to be billing 10.5 per day.  So needless to say I fell short this week/month by a couple of hours.  I've calculated March and April down to the very last .1 of an hour, because as the partner says, every .1 counts.

It is, in theory, possible for me to hit 2000 hours.  Part of me thinks - well I did it for 2 months - I billed over 200 hours two months in a row, what's another 2 months.  I did it though by working every weekend but 1.  How unappealing is that.

Right now though, given that things have slowed down and I've caught up, I don't actually have enough work to keep me busy at the pace required to hit the 2000 hours.  Now of course this could change in an instant, however, I am not expecting things to pick up next week.  And I really need the stream of work to be steady to the point of backing up on me.

So I have to do something.  I either have to decide to go for it and tell the partner that I need work and I need it to back up on me again or I won't make it.  I need to tell him to dig me up work.  Or I have to decide not to go for it and be okay with falling between 25 and 50 hours short.  But what was all this effort for the past two months only to come up short?

I don't know which way to go.  I don't know what to do.  I never wanted to do this in the first place, but if I do maybe I will get the raise and the bonus that I would expect for doing it.  Or who knows, maybe I wouldn't in which case what was the point.  Because let's be honest about this - I am not working my ass off to hit 2000 hours because the partner wants me to or because it makes me or him look good.  I am doing it because although it's a stretch, it is possible, and I am doing it solely for the money.  It's really that simple.  The problem is, they aren't guaranteeing us the money that we used to be guaranteed.  So is it worth it?  I won't know until October and January.  The reward comes so much later than the effort.

So I am at the point of either really going for it or really not going for it.  And if I am going for it, I have to tell the partner because I can't really afford a single slow week if I am going to hit it and he doesn't realize that my work load is too low.

Or I could wait around a few days and see if it picks up, but like I said, I can't really afford a slow day, it throws the whole calculation off.

It's a constant process of calculating and recalculating.  How many hours do I need to bill per day for the rest of the month accounting for the hours that I billed yesterday.  I do this daily.  Run the numbers.  See if I can squeeze in a couple of days off.

Anyway, whatever.

The lull

For better or worse, I think I just hit it.

A personal best

Leaving work early to climb - awesome.  But boy am I going to be sore tomorrow.  My hands even hurt right now and my left knee is bruised from digging it into the wall.  I think I twisted my hips in a way that they aren't designed to twist.

Hoping I don't get in trouble for it - well whatever.  I've decided it's whatever.  I am not required to be there.  We come and go as we please.  I get my work done.  That's all that matters.  I am allowed to have my own schedule and have a personal life.  So whatever.  I don't ask for much when it comes to my personal life.

Besides, climbing is the only thing keeping me sane.

The pretty kind of snowflake

Rarely is the snow pretty in the city.  The streets are plowed so quickly downtown where I live that it is really just a dirty, slushy mess and usually it's impossible to tell how much it snowed because it is all just cleared away so quickly.  Also, never am I out wandering around during a snow storm.

But today I was driving home from work and it was snowing lightly, those big pretty kind of snowflakes that fall slowly.  I felt oddly at peace.  I can assure though that it won't last, but I'll take what I can get.

I might have an appointment with the climbing wall tomorrow - not sure yet.

It's not that

Early this morning I had a dream that the power was out.  It was so dark in the house that I couldn't figure out a way to see my watch.  I woke up and saw that it was 7 and panicked about my 8 am phone call because I might not make it to work on time for it.  Then I realized it was Sunday.  I guess it has become normal to have only one day off.

I never wanted this to be a place where I talked about my job.  And basically for the whole time I have been posting here, I have said very little to nothing about it.  That's because I know how it is perceived.  It is perceived as whining and complaining and being ungrateful.  And it's not that.  I am not ungrateful.  I'm just venting so naturally I have bad things to say.  There are of course good things to say also, it's just why would I write about that.  And some of my concerns are legitimate as they relate to a lack of productivity and communication.  The lack of communication has gotten worse and worse to the point of affecting productivity among other things.

Anyway, I never meant for it to be a place where I talked about it or said bad things about it.  It's true that I am not happy with the way the year turned out, and I am under a tremendous amount of pressure right now and extremely stressed, and cracking a bit under the weight of it.  Just because I am not happy about what is going on at the moment, the level of stress and as I said, the communication issues, that doesn't mean I am ungrateful.  It just helps to vent it that's all.  I mean the most prominent thing in my life right now, the thing that is overwhelming everything, is my job.  I need to vent sometimes and express what I think are legitimate complaints, if you want to call them that.  The fact that I can't get feedback from the partner is a real legitimate problem, affecting my ability to finish things.

I know I haven't really said all that much about it, just a few posts lately, but I guess I liked it better the other way.  I liked it better before when I said nothing about it.  So I think I am going to go back to not talking about it.  I think anyway.

Delayed reaction

Like I was saying yesterday, I never get an immediate feeling of relief.  I am definitely a delayed reactor when it comes to stress.  It takes me a little while to come down from the stress.  Finally this morning, after sleeping in a bit, laying around, watching Project Runway, finally I felt relaxed.  Perfect or not, the project is over.  I know it's not really over, there will be follow-up questions and implementation, but the hardest part for me is over.  And I know that next week, Monday and Tuesday are going to be busy, but I don't feel stressed about it right now.  They are little projects, like I have one day to do them, and a few loose ends need to be tied up on other things.  So it will be busy, hopefully not crazy.  Hopefully I will be able to climb on Tuesday.  That's the only part that is making me nervous of course because I really want to climb and I don't want to get stuck there due to the fact that I can't get the partner to answer my questions.  All I care about these days really is making sure I can fit climbing in.

These past weeks since the beginning of January, I feel like I have been operating on autopilot.  Just going going going along trying to cram in hours, working every Saturday etc., trying to get this project done while at the same time trying to keep up with everything else.  I definitely feel relieved and relaxed and like maybe things are going to stay slower for a bit.  I could be wrong about that.  But I can't imagine anything making me feel as stressed as I have the past several weeks.  It's just not sustainable to work these hours and to keep up this pace.  I am kind of hoping I won't have to even though I won't hit 2000 hours.  I didn't even care in the first place it's just that I very much got forced into trying to hit it.  But I personally don't care if I don't.

A little bloody, a banged up knee and a badly broken fingernail

These were the casualties of climbing tonight.  And all I can say about it, is the same thing I always say, it was awesome.  But it was extra awesome this time.  I am a little upset about the fingernail only because I broke it really far down.  I knew that I should have cut my nails last night.  You just can't have nails and climb cause you can't dig your fingers into the insets with nails.

If you are wondering about the project - it went out at 2:30.  My plan was a success.  It's not the biggest project I have ever done but it's one of the bigger ones and for one of our biggest clients.  It was a really important project.  At first when I clicked send I was overcome with nervousness.  Like on my God, was everything just right?  Did I miss a comma?  Should I have said should instead of must?  And on and on.  And then my next thought was, what the hell am I going to work on now (uh, wasn't I just saying I needed a break)?  It was like all things are for me, anti-climactic.  You would expect me to feel a huge sense of relief, a great weight lifted off my shoulders.   Actually, I even said I was expecting just exactly that.  Nothing but relief.

But for some reason I move on instantly to the next thing skipping the relief part.  I have to have a goal, something I am trying to accomplish, and when I accomplish it I don't savor the moment or really think about the accomplishment I am just trying to figure out what comes next.  I've always been this way.  I set out to do something.  I do it.  I move on.  You how people always sat that it's the journey and not the destination?  For me it has always been the destination.  I move on so quickly that I frequently miss the point if I am not paying attention.  That being said - it isn't universally true - because I do feel accomplishment when every time I climb just a little bit higher.

So eventually, after climbing, after walking in the door, after realizing that for the first time since the beginning of January my weekend is all my own, although I did get that feel that feeling of oh my God what am I supposed to do with my time, I did finally feel the feeling of relief.  It was just delayed.

Friday nights are my favorite part of the week.  You have the whole weekend ahead of you.  No worry about work (except when you are me and have to go to work on Saturday).  The dread hasn't set in yet.  The impending sense of doom is not hanging over your head.  (Um, that would not at all describe the way I feel about my job lately).  I like these evenings.  I like the anticipation of all the things you can do with the days off.

Anyway, I like to start my weekend with climbing.  The early instructor on Friday is awesome.  He really pays attention to your climbing and gives you good feedback.  He's very helpful.  There is this overhang that I am trying to, well, get over, and it's almost a flat overhang.  How does one climb over that?  So the belayer pulled the rope really tight for me - kind of hoisting me a little higher than I could really reach on my own.  That enabled me to get my feet in the right position.  I could not have gotten that far without help.  Now that I know how to get my feet in the right position, it's just a matter of maybe a couple more climbs.  It's an awkward position to climb over an almost flat overhang.  I can't describe it exactly.  You have to get your hands on the hold right above your head.  Get your feet on the ceiling and push yourself over it.

I did learn one thing about my climbing today that is true in my life.  I need to start pushing myself beyond my comfort zone.

Not the progress I was hoping for

I was hoping for a little movement in the forward direction on this project.  Some, a tiny bit, anything really. I got none.  Zip.  After the partner told me he had lots of time to talk to me today, he never showed up to talk to me and then said we have to talk tomorrow.  This is really down to the wire.  It's a monster of a project, for one of our biggest clients, tons of fees and it's three week late (like I said, not my fault or my problem, but if I were the client I would be pissed at this point).  The partner I work for is very calm and laid back, I've never seen him stressed except maybe once really recently.  He's never upset, he has never said anything about time I take off or when I leave etc.  But he is so laid back that it almost appears as if he doesn't give a shit about this project.  This really important project.  Great that he has such confidence in my work product that he can wait until the very last possible second to look at it - but still, come on already, 3 weeks late.

I am afraid that my imposed deadline, my fake "appointment" at 4:45 is going to mean not that this project goes out tomorrow, but that it doesn't go until Monday.  I really didn't want this hanging over my head until then.

Waiting for the lull

Dying for it is more like it.  I need the break.

I have a major project due for a major client that has to get done this week.  As of Friday it is actually 3 weeks overdue, through no fault of my own, but overdue nonetheless.  When this thing goes out on Friday, it's going to be a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders.  And I think, I hope, that I get a little bit of down time.  A couple of weekends where I don't work.  A couple of weeks where I can climb twice a week.  I mean I know it's bad for my hours to have a lull, but if the work isn't there, it's the partner's fault and not mine.  If the work isn't there it isn't there.  And although in the end I will get blamed for not hitting 2000 hours if I can't quite make it I can't quite make it.  Fuck it.  That's how I feel.  I know we are still busy, but without a major project, I am not sure all the little ones add up to enough.

Anyway, I told a little lie.  I told the partner that I have to leave at 4:30 on Friday and I did that to make sure that the project actually goes out Friday at a reasonable hour.  If I don't impose a definite end point, then I can't get the partner's attention to review it.  Basically, the partner and I are opposite.  I go in early and leave early he goes in late and stays late.  When I say I am leaving at 3 pm that means I am really running out the door at noon.  When he says he is leaving at 3 pm that means it will be a miracle if he actually leaves by 6.  If I have a project due Friday, I am done with it on Thursday.  If he has a project due Friday, that means 11:59 pm on Friday night.

So to ensure that I don't get stuck there on Friday night, waiting around for the partner, I have imposed upon this project a definitive deadline.  If he knows I am leaving, then he will look at it - he will squeeze it in.

So, I have an appointment on Friday at 4:45.  I just didn't tell him it's an appointment with the climbing wall.

Happy birthday baby...

My second nephew was born on Saturday night.  He doesn't have a name, but these pictures sure are cute...

http://trachel.blogspot.com/2010/02/before-rivalry.html

If you are bleeding when you are done it's a success

I had the best time climbing yesterday than I ever have.  Well, indoor climbing that is.  Because indoor climbing just can't compare to outdoor climbing which I can only describe as awesome.  I like the feel of real rock and I like the fact that you don't know where to go, it's not obvious, you have to figure it out.  It's like a puzzle, a challenge, a problem to solve.  And it's awesome when you get to the top.

Yesterday it was a whole new wall.  They had switched out all the holds for new ones and moved everything around in the past week.  At first I thought ugh, a new wall.  But then I started to climb and it was like climbing outside where everything is unfamiliar and new.  I tried a couple of different routes to get to my destination (the sticking point) and it was just really a lot of fun.  I realized I like the challenge of figuring out the unfamiliar and going for it not knowing if you can do it.  And often surprising yourself when if you just try, you can.  I have surprised myself more than once.  And I am hoping for a surprise on the sticking point on Friday cause I am tired of calling it that.

Anyway, this is a much better wall than the previous wall and I can't wait to get on it again so I am going to climb again Friday (partner is out, easy to leave...but have to make up the hours somewhere...ugh...but I would rather climb).

I broke two nails and my hands were a little bloody where they got scratched by the holds.  Overall, awesome.

Oh, and as for the climbing instructor, I think I am over him.

Okay I admit it

I like the climbing wall instructor who works on Tuesday.  I don't just like him, but I like him like him, as we would say when we were kids.  Do you like him, or do you like him like him?  That makes me laugh.

I have other reasons for going to climb on Tuesday.  Really I do.  Like Monday is too hectic coming back from the weekend.  I don't like the guy who works Wednesday.  The Thursday guy is fairly obnoxious, but pretty helpful.  And I like going Friday also.  The instructor is nice and all.  Tuesday is the ideal day.  And it just so happens that I have realized I like the instructor so that's a bonus.  Except that now I feel like I HAVE to go Tuesday.  I have to no matter what is going on at work because that is the only day I have any chance of seeing him.  Unfortunately, he works the early shift so now you know why I am always trying to run out the door early.  He's not at all my "type," whatever that even means, but I like him.

He's kind of flirty with me.  But I can't tell if he is actually flirting with me, being polite, just being friendly - I don't know.  I just don't know these things anymore.  I don't know how to tell.

But the good thing is, even if he is not interested, that's okay - but at least now I know it is possible for me to like someone.  I haven't liked anyone in three and a half years.  Like if I have felt anything for anyone, it is more like negative attraction maybe not quite to the point of repulsion.  I have felt no attraction to anyone or even given anyone a second look or considered the possibility.  I had resigned myself to being alone and being happy that way and not wanting the trouble in my life of trying to share it or coordinate it with another person's life.  I just figured I would be alone because I just didn't feel the least bit interested or at all like trying.  I have complained at various points about the impossibility of meeting someone - because I don't have that many friends to begin with and because I don't drink so I don't really go out, except with a few people, and I don't go to AA meetings like I used to (and even when I did go, the dating possibilities were limited).  The chances of me meeting someone are pretty much next to nothing.  And even though I might have complained at various points about this fact - I am simply unwilling to try.  And I am still unwilling to try.  Except for the fact that I happen to have come across a person I am attracted to and like, but for running into him, I would be doing my usual.  Almost purposely not trying.

I would say the odds are good that nothing will happen between me and this guy - but at least I know it's possible for me like someone in that way.  I really thought it wasn't possible anymore.  That still isn't going to make me try.  I am going to have to simply run into him because I am certainly not going to try to find him.

Are you the asshole in the parking garage?

The parking garage is wide open on Saturdays.  Lots of spaces.  Tons.  Because there just aren't that many of us folks actually in the office on Saturdays.  Not like on the week days when you have to park on P4.  P1 is WIDE open.  So some asshole decides to park so close to my car that I can barely get into it.  I fucking hate that and I don't understand it either.

Of course

Not once in the entire four years that I have been at my job have I ever had a problem connecting remotely.  Never.  Like ever.  Never ever ever.

Today I left at 6:15 because I had a migraine.  Don't worry though, I brought plenty of work home with me - to do either tonight (well, actually, probably not) or tomorrow.

And of course there was one thing that had to get done today.  One email that had to be sent out.  And I left because I was waiting on the partner to okay it.  Having no idea when the partner would okay it, I left, me and my headache and all of my work to do left because I'll just hop online when I get home and send the email out.

I can't connect.  Fuck.  And the help desk is useless.  I can't tell you how many times I just rebooted my work computer.  Fuck.

By not deciding I am deciding

Let's put it more like I have no choice.  We are so busy - busier than we have ever been in the entire 4 years that I have worked there - that there is simply no way for me to explain not hitting hours.  The hours are there, I just have to bill them.  Well, we've been over this before - I just don't really want to.

In the month of January I was undecided about the attempt to bill hours and hit 2000.

In the month of February I have realized that I have no choice but to hit 2000.

My goal of course - and yes, I am going to calculate this out perfectly if I can, is to bill 2001.  Just because I feel like being that way.

Fortunately, I billed the month of January as if I was trying to make the hours up which means by the end of the month I was about 6 hours behind where I need to be.  I think I am going to have to make a big push for like two weeks and work super late and that will get this making up hours thing under control.  I need to have a couple of weeks where I cram in the hours so I can slow down, because this pace is going to kill me.

Trouble is, I am constantly doing the calculation and I am billing just exactly what I need or a few hours under.  So like I am trying, but I'm not trying.  Sort of.

Pre surgery shape

Climbing shape that is.  I finally feel like I am back in the shape I was in before I had surgery.  Better even probably because my foot doesn't hurt constantly.  Looking back, I honestly don't know how I was cramming my foot into my rock climbing shoes with the way my foot was.

Anyway, my strength is back, my technique feels better (and I've been told it is better but he might just be being nice) and I am back at my old sticking point.

But not for long.  I've been told that it isn't a matter of upper body strength at all (good because I don't have any) but a matter of getting your feet and legs in the right position.  It's all in the technique.  Friday or Tuesday.  It's going to happen.