Do other people find it next to impossible to go into a Target and not leave with like $100 worth of stuff that you didn't need? I find that this happens to me nearly every time I go into Target. Well, I'm at Target, I might as well buy hangers, a new shower curtain liner, some pillows, extra toothpaste, toilet paper, a purse, underwear - when none of this is what I went in there for. I mean seriously - it's like I just buy stuff because it's target, and I'm in one. I particularly like to peruse the clearance end caps for things I don't need.
Tonight I went to Target to buy cereal. Seems odd I know but cereal is a lot cheaper at Target and I wanted it for dinner. (I know, I should eat better than this). Given the fact that Target is 4 times farther from my house than the grocery store, what I wasted on gas (which is between $3.65 and $3.95 a gallon here) probably more than negates the savings. I had to procure something else from Target though that is significantly cheaper so it was worth going.
So, a few frozen items, some canned fruit, ice cream (which was completely unintentional), two boxes of cereal - $44, later, I did all my grocery shopping at Target. Now mind you this is not a Super Target, which means the food items are rather limited and there is no produce. I basically just did all my grocery shopping by buying frozen, canned and boxed items. Kind of sad really. I do like cooking. But I work so much that by the time I get home, I need something quick and easy.
Anyway, there were actually items that I did need from Target, but I told myself I'd get them next time.
Friday, June 29, 2007
A turn for the boring...
Well, it seems my life has taken a shift. One that feels dramatic actually, although I am sure that is a matter of perception like most things are. Sorry I haven't posted in a week - I see that people have been checking. I haven't had anything to post about. Nothing that seems interesting anyway. In fact, my head feels so much less cluttered these days, that I don't feel the need to sit down and dump out its contents either here or in email really.
The only thing I can really say is everything is good. Work is extremely busy but I am managing it pretty well, my health is fine as I reported last post, I could use a meeting, I'm glad it's Friday and hopefully I can get away with not working this weekend. I attribute this lack of anything chaotic to vent about to the fact that I started taking Lexapro and I think it's working already. It's hard to describe, but the things that normally make my head explode, make me do strange OCD behaviors and other sorts of anxiety related things, just aren't bothering me. I just don't feel bothered. Of course these things are still there, but I just don't feel bothered by them at the moment, at all really.
It is easier to breathe, it is easier to relax. Only thing is - now that I don't have all that junk taking up the space in my head and all the time that I used to spend worrying about it is suddenly free, I'm not sure what to do. My life has taken a definite turn for the boring. Which is good on the one hand and definitely what I wanted - I wanted a boring year after everything I went through last year. I am not used to boring though. I am not used to lack of chaos and drama. I am not used to feeling like I have no problems and no complaints.
Anyway, my sponsor, who I am pissed at at the moment, tells me I have to start writing daily gratitude lists. Maybe I'll post them here along with my regular posts or something. So,
I'm grateful: that my office overlooks lake Michigan, that the sun is shining, that it's Friday, that I love my job (most days), that I have nothing to worry about, that I will get to leave on time, that I have bubble bath at home, that my period started right on time (sorry folks, but this is a big deal because of my fertility worries from taking chemo drugs), that I feel better. I guess that is enough for today.
The only thing I can really say is everything is good. Work is extremely busy but I am managing it pretty well, my health is fine as I reported last post, I could use a meeting, I'm glad it's Friday and hopefully I can get away with not working this weekend. I attribute this lack of anything chaotic to vent about to the fact that I started taking Lexapro and I think it's working already. It's hard to describe, but the things that normally make my head explode, make me do strange OCD behaviors and other sorts of anxiety related things, just aren't bothering me. I just don't feel bothered. Of course these things are still there, but I just don't feel bothered by them at the moment, at all really.
It is easier to breathe, it is easier to relax. Only thing is - now that I don't have all that junk taking up the space in my head and all the time that I used to spend worrying about it is suddenly free, I'm not sure what to do. My life has taken a definite turn for the boring. Which is good on the one hand and definitely what I wanted - I wanted a boring year after everything I went through last year. I am not used to boring though. I am not used to lack of chaos and drama. I am not used to feeling like I have no problems and no complaints.
Anyway, my sponsor, who I am pissed at at the moment, tells me I have to start writing daily gratitude lists. Maybe I'll post them here along with my regular posts or something. So,
I'm grateful: that my office overlooks lake Michigan, that the sun is shining, that it's Friday, that I love my job (most days), that I have nothing to worry about, that I will get to leave on time, that I have bubble bath at home, that my period started right on time (sorry folks, but this is a big deal because of my fertility worries from taking chemo drugs), that I feel better. I guess that is enough for today.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
ALL CLEAR
My x-ray came back clear - no cancer spread. Thank you God. Now, the question is - can I calm down, finally? I've had a clear mammogram, a clear MRI and a clear chest x-ray. Can I stop freaking out and enjoy my life, please? I went on Lexapro. I think it is working already. I would say I feel significantly less freaked out about everything. Maybe it is all in my head - hard to describe, but I feel the constant anxiety with less intensity. It's there, I just isn't freaking me out. I don't know, more on this later...
Thursday, June 21, 2007
A call for help
To any of you out there who are reading this...I need you to pray for me.
I am constantly overwhelmed by this fear of getting cancer again - basically because I know that if it spreads, there is not much they can do - they have basically done the best that they can. Rather than let my mind get way ahead of myself - I'm not going to say anymore about the details - I am trying not to focus on it.
Anyway, I have this pain in my rib cage that comes and goes for the most part. Though I can never quite tell if it goes away completely. They keep telling me that if it goes away then it's nothing. I think it goes away - but I'm not sure. It hurts pretty bad, but then again, I've been poking it lately. So, to alleviate what has become paralyzing anxiety, my doctor is going to order a scan to be sure there is nothing there.
If there is nothing there, this of course will do wonders to alleviate my fear. If there is something there, well, best not to go there.
So, if you are so inclined - I need you to pray for me.
Thanks.
I am constantly overwhelmed by this fear of getting cancer again - basically because I know that if it spreads, there is not much they can do - they have basically done the best that they can. Rather than let my mind get way ahead of myself - I'm not going to say anymore about the details - I am trying not to focus on it.
Anyway, I have this pain in my rib cage that comes and goes for the most part. Though I can never quite tell if it goes away completely. They keep telling me that if it goes away then it's nothing. I think it goes away - but I'm not sure. It hurts pretty bad, but then again, I've been poking it lately. So, to alleviate what has become paralyzing anxiety, my doctor is going to order a scan to be sure there is nothing there.
If there is nothing there, this of course will do wonders to alleviate my fear. If there is something there, well, best not to go there.
So, if you are so inclined - I need you to pray for me.
Thanks.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Well, maybe not EVERYONE will watch while you drown
My medical oncologist has a physician's assistant who is the most reliable, responsible, caring, helpful, understanding, empathetic, resourceful, and responsive medical professional I have ever worked with. Words cannot express the gratitude that I have for this woman. I wish I could tell her.
She has returned every single phone call I have made in the past year, the same day with relative promptness, and no matter how late. She has stayed on the phone with me as long as I needed her to, answered every single weird question that I have had, helped me to resolve every issue that I have had in this process, she has been honest and also reassuring, she has ordered medical tests that were unnecessary just for my peace of mind, she has helped me with things and doctors that are not her responsibility, she has seen me on days when she had no available appointments, she has seen me on days that she was not even doing clinical hours. My medical oncologist is the same - very caring and very responsive. A rarity I think sometimes when it comes to medical professionals.
So when all else fails (like it did today), I call this woman. After all of this mess with the cancer center today and what to do and who to get help from - after being brushed aside despite my pleas for help - this woman has returned my phone call, like always, to say that she and my doctor will work with the psychiatrist to prescribe the proper medication and start me on that per the psychiatrist's prior recommendation, that she will call the other psychologist in the cancer center and see if she can see me (funny, but the social worker told me there was no one else in the cancer center who could help me) and that if this woman can't see me (although she doesn't know why she wouldn't be able to), she will find someone who can who will take my insurance. She told me she has no clinic tomorrow so she has all morning to work this out and she will call me in the a.m. with the plan.
This woman is a life saver. Repeatedly she has been there for me through this whole entire mess - no matter what the issue. She never looks at me like I'm crazy when I get to her office to say that I think I have cancer again - can she please check me out, even though every time it turns out I am fine. She doesn't act irritated with me when I call her to ask, every month, are you sure I am probably fertile still? Can we check? She doesn't dismiss me every month when I call her and tell her I have a pain in my rib cage again - even though we both know this is related to my period. She doesn't act the least bit annoyed when every month I call her to ask - are you sure my lymph nodes were clear - are you sure it didn't spread, even though I know the answer. Not once has she ever made me feel like I wasting her time.
I have more gratitude for this woman than I can even describe, it is overflowing.
She has returned every single phone call I have made in the past year, the same day with relative promptness, and no matter how late. She has stayed on the phone with me as long as I needed her to, answered every single weird question that I have had, helped me to resolve every issue that I have had in this process, she has been honest and also reassuring, she has ordered medical tests that were unnecessary just for my peace of mind, she has helped me with things and doctors that are not her responsibility, she has seen me on days when she had no available appointments, she has seen me on days that she was not even doing clinical hours. My medical oncologist is the same - very caring and very responsive. A rarity I think sometimes when it comes to medical professionals.
So when all else fails (like it did today), I call this woman. After all of this mess with the cancer center today and what to do and who to get help from - after being brushed aside despite my pleas for help - this woman has returned my phone call, like always, to say that she and my doctor will work with the psychiatrist to prescribe the proper medication and start me on that per the psychiatrist's prior recommendation, that she will call the other psychologist in the cancer center and see if she can see me (funny, but the social worker told me there was no one else in the cancer center who could help me) and that if this woman can't see me (although she doesn't know why she wouldn't be able to), she will find someone who can who will take my insurance. She told me she has no clinic tomorrow so she has all morning to work this out and she will call me in the a.m. with the plan.
This woman is a life saver. Repeatedly she has been there for me through this whole entire mess - no matter what the issue. She never looks at me like I'm crazy when I get to her office to say that I think I have cancer again - can she please check me out, even though every time it turns out I am fine. She doesn't act irritated with me when I call her to ask, every month, are you sure I am probably fertile still? Can we check? She doesn't dismiss me every month when I call her and tell her I have a pain in my rib cage again - even though we both know this is related to my period. She doesn't act the least bit annoyed when every month I call her to ask - are you sure my lymph nodes were clear - are you sure it didn't spread, even though I know the answer. Not once has she ever made me feel like I wasting her time.
I have more gratitude for this woman than I can even describe, it is overflowing.
You have to fight for yourself, otherwise, everyone will watch while you drown
So my oncologist sent me to the psychologist in the cancer center a couple of months ago because I was calling her every two weeks with really bad anxiety about getting cancer again. It turned out that this guy was really great, really easy to talk to, also sober for 18 years - a really good fit for me. He seemed to get my insanity on all levels if you know what I mean. He sent me to the psychiatrist in the cancer center to talk about going on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety drug - something I have been very opposed to for myself (though it has been suggested more times than I can count), but I think it is a great help to many many people. We decided to make a decision when I returned from my trip.
While in Germany, I decided that I am now willing to try taking medication short term while talking to the psychologist because I was depressed enough in Germany that it scared me and because I cycle through depression and some sort of opposite extreme of depression (though not mania) at a very rapid pace. In other words, I am fine when I get up in the morning and borderline not sure if I can live any longer by the time I go to bed (though I am not suicidal - don't call me freaking out). I had previously looked through my insurance to find a therapist and was having difficulty finding someone who would take a new patient and someone with experience dealing with cancer patients and alcoholism. It was a huge headache and really frustrating. The guy at the cancer center was just a perfect fit.
Today I find out that he has had to leave for an emergency and they don't know when or if he is coming back because they don't know what happened. I find this out when I went to my appointment only to have them say, oh, someone was supposed to call you. The psychiatrist apparently is leaving also. They told me that the social worker is taking his patients but she is unavailable. I eventually get her on the phone, only to be told that she isn't taking his patients, she is simply referring them out - I am not a counselor is what she tells me. I also find out that she is referring them out with no regard for what type of health insurance you have nor do they have much regard for you as a person or the issues you may be having. She gives me a number to call. Those people tell me that they aren't taking any patients with health insurance for at least 3 months. WHAT?
I call the social worker back. I try to explain my issues - I'm sober, I'm freaking out, the anxiety is killing me, I'm depressed, extremely depressed, as depressed as you can be without being suicidal, I was going to go on medication today - I don't want to keep delaying this, can't someone see me, isn't there someone who can see me, I'm desperate I tell her, I'm not okay, I AM NOT OKAY, I need to talk to someone (now I am not typically one to ask for help mind you - I find this very hard, and here I am practically begging for it)....She tells me the psychologist might be back in 3-4 weeks, they just don't know for sure and she would really rather not send me to the psychiatrist again because he is leaving anyway. I feel like saying so - I don't care and I don't care what you think. I don't care if I have to talk to 15 different people for 15 different weeks, I just need to talk to someone, right now.
This is very discouraging and has pissed me off to the point that I can't get any work done. I think it is totally inappropriate to take a bunch of patients and kick them to the side like this. I feel as though I have been dropped into the middle of Lake Michigan with no life preserver, there are people standing there watching me drown, I am screaming for someone to help me, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME, and they are all just standing there watching. What do I have to do to get a little help here? Do I have to say I am suicidal to get someone to pay attention and help me? Do I have to get myself admitted to the psych ward? Cause to tell you the truth, I am feeling a little bit nutso and unstable at the moment. This inability to get some help just might push me over that ledge I've been dangling off of for a while now.
Now granted, because I have outstanding survival skills and crisis management skills, a by-product of my shitty childhood and the fact that I basically raised myself - in the background of this I am making phone calls, calling doctors, calling other hospitals, calling the Employee Assistance Program number at work, calling an old therapist, calling my sponsor etc., calling my oncologist's physician assistant...trying to work out some alternative for myself because no one else seems to give a shit and no one else is helping me. One thing that I learned in this hell that I have been through with doctors and surviving cancer etc. - you have to be your own advocate. You HAVE to be. This is one area where being a survivor has come in handy - I know how to detach myself from the emotion of a situation and survive it.
At the beginning of my breast cancer nightmare (before I knew I had cancer), the first surgeon I had recommended that I wait 6 months to biopsy the lump in my breast because I was 28 and it was probably nothing. I said absolutely not - if you can tell me right now for sure that this is nothing, then I want you to prove it. I forced her to biopsy it immediately. As it turned out, the kind of cancer I had was extremely dangerous and very fast growing (needless to say, I got another doctor).
I was tremendously lucky that it had not spread. Imagine if I had not taken action on behalf of myself.
While in Germany, I decided that I am now willing to try taking medication short term while talking to the psychologist because I was depressed enough in Germany that it scared me and because I cycle through depression and some sort of opposite extreme of depression (though not mania) at a very rapid pace. In other words, I am fine when I get up in the morning and borderline not sure if I can live any longer by the time I go to bed (though I am not suicidal - don't call me freaking out). I had previously looked through my insurance to find a therapist and was having difficulty finding someone who would take a new patient and someone with experience dealing with cancer patients and alcoholism. It was a huge headache and really frustrating. The guy at the cancer center was just a perfect fit.
Today I find out that he has had to leave for an emergency and they don't know when or if he is coming back because they don't know what happened. I find this out when I went to my appointment only to have them say, oh, someone was supposed to call you. The psychiatrist apparently is leaving also. They told me that the social worker is taking his patients but she is unavailable. I eventually get her on the phone, only to be told that she isn't taking his patients, she is simply referring them out - I am not a counselor is what she tells me. I also find out that she is referring them out with no regard for what type of health insurance you have nor do they have much regard for you as a person or the issues you may be having. She gives me a number to call. Those people tell me that they aren't taking any patients with health insurance for at least 3 months. WHAT?
I call the social worker back. I try to explain my issues - I'm sober, I'm freaking out, the anxiety is killing me, I'm depressed, extremely depressed, as depressed as you can be without being suicidal, I was going to go on medication today - I don't want to keep delaying this, can't someone see me, isn't there someone who can see me, I'm desperate I tell her, I'm not okay, I AM NOT OKAY, I need to talk to someone (now I am not typically one to ask for help mind you - I find this very hard, and here I am practically begging for it)....She tells me the psychologist might be back in 3-4 weeks, they just don't know for sure and she would really rather not send me to the psychiatrist again because he is leaving anyway. I feel like saying so - I don't care and I don't care what you think. I don't care if I have to talk to 15 different people for 15 different weeks, I just need to talk to someone, right now.
This is very discouraging and has pissed me off to the point that I can't get any work done. I think it is totally inappropriate to take a bunch of patients and kick them to the side like this. I feel as though I have been dropped into the middle of Lake Michigan with no life preserver, there are people standing there watching me drown, I am screaming for someone to help me, PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME, and they are all just standing there watching. What do I have to do to get a little help here? Do I have to say I am suicidal to get someone to pay attention and help me? Do I have to get myself admitted to the psych ward? Cause to tell you the truth, I am feeling a little bit nutso and unstable at the moment. This inability to get some help just might push me over that ledge I've been dangling off of for a while now.
Now granted, because I have outstanding survival skills and crisis management skills, a by-product of my shitty childhood and the fact that I basically raised myself - in the background of this I am making phone calls, calling doctors, calling other hospitals, calling the Employee Assistance Program number at work, calling an old therapist, calling my sponsor etc., calling my oncologist's physician assistant...trying to work out some alternative for myself because no one else seems to give a shit and no one else is helping me. One thing that I learned in this hell that I have been through with doctors and surviving cancer etc. - you have to be your own advocate. You HAVE to be. This is one area where being a survivor has come in handy - I know how to detach myself from the emotion of a situation and survive it.
At the beginning of my breast cancer nightmare (before I knew I had cancer), the first surgeon I had recommended that I wait 6 months to biopsy the lump in my breast because I was 28 and it was probably nothing. I said absolutely not - if you can tell me right now for sure that this is nothing, then I want you to prove it. I forced her to biopsy it immediately. As it turned out, the kind of cancer I had was extremely dangerous and very fast growing (needless to say, I got another doctor).
I was tremendously lucky that it had not spread. Imagine if I had not taken action on behalf of myself.
Monday, June 18, 2007
That oh shit feeling that comes at the prospect of not being busy
If everything is as okay as I claim it to be today - then why do I feel so anxious? Is it precisely because everything is okay? Is this the "uncomfortable comfort" that I posted about? I have no drama, nothing to freak out about, work is good - busy but manageable, no life crises, nothing. I have nothing to stress about, nothing to worry about. Suddenly, in a moment of absolute calm, I was over come with fear and anxiety. The fear of - oh shit, I might have some free time on my hands today.
My job works sort of like a drug and most of the time I love it, though sometimes I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with it. I thrive on the stress of it and the deadlines and the work I do is really interesting and exciting, cutting edge lots of times, at least in my world. I like to be busy though there is a fine line between just busy enough and working way too much. I am usually so busy that I literally don't even have a second to think about myself - and it is when I am not thinking about myself that I feel the best.
I like sometimes to let my job consume me. It is the one thing I am really good at and consistent at even when the rest of my life feels like a failure, which it frequently does. Although I struggle with not letting myself be defined by my job, I feel totally in my element there and more comfortable there than anywhere else. At work I am totally confident and sure of myself. When I walk out the door of my office though, I leave that behind. I like the me that does my job. I want to be that version of myself elsewhere - I want to carry that confidence and self-assurance into the rest of my life, but I don't know how to.
I keep telling my sponsor that I feel like 3 different people, actually 4, the one who goes to work, the one who goes every where else, the one you perceive, and the one I perceive myself to be. I want to integrate these. She keeps telling me this will happen eventually. Anyway, here I am, back at work after being "off" for two weeks. I say "off" because I worked some while on vacation and stopped in London for work on the way home. I have returned to find that things are surprisingly under control here - I was reading email the whole time etc. and of course I came in Friday, the day after I got back, to sort through what I missed.
Things are pretty calm here. I am busy (and procrastinating at the moment in an unintentional effort to build up the stress of this deadline, or uh - intentionally) but not crazy overwhelmed like I usually am. Which means, I just might get to go home at a reasonable, if not even early hour. Things feel balanced today - which is what I am striving for. And this balance is also where the panic sets in - what will I do, how will I occupy myself? Enjoy myself, how do I do that? Do something I like to do - do I know what that consists of? Relax - um, right.
Sometimes without the craziness of my job to consume me, I feel at a complete loss.
My job works sort of like a drug and most of the time I love it, though sometimes I feel like I have a love/hate relationship with it. I thrive on the stress of it and the deadlines and the work I do is really interesting and exciting, cutting edge lots of times, at least in my world. I like to be busy though there is a fine line between just busy enough and working way too much. I am usually so busy that I literally don't even have a second to think about myself - and it is when I am not thinking about myself that I feel the best.
I like sometimes to let my job consume me. It is the one thing I am really good at and consistent at even when the rest of my life feels like a failure, which it frequently does. Although I struggle with not letting myself be defined by my job, I feel totally in my element there and more comfortable there than anywhere else. At work I am totally confident and sure of myself. When I walk out the door of my office though, I leave that behind. I like the me that does my job. I want to be that version of myself elsewhere - I want to carry that confidence and self-assurance into the rest of my life, but I don't know how to.
I keep telling my sponsor that I feel like 3 different people, actually 4, the one who goes to work, the one who goes every where else, the one you perceive, and the one I perceive myself to be. I want to integrate these. She keeps telling me this will happen eventually. Anyway, here I am, back at work after being "off" for two weeks. I say "off" because I worked some while on vacation and stopped in London for work on the way home. I have returned to find that things are surprisingly under control here - I was reading email the whole time etc. and of course I came in Friday, the day after I got back, to sort through what I missed.
Things are pretty calm here. I am busy (and procrastinating at the moment in an unintentional effort to build up the stress of this deadline, or uh - intentionally) but not crazy overwhelmed like I usually am. Which means, I just might get to go home at a reasonable, if not even early hour. Things feel balanced today - which is what I am striving for. And this balance is also where the panic sets in - what will I do, how will I occupy myself? Enjoy myself, how do I do that? Do something I like to do - do I know what that consists of? Relax - um, right.
Sometimes without the craziness of my job to consume me, I feel at a complete loss.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Photo Journalism: Baby E
My trip to Germany was to visit my brother, sister-in-law and nephew who live outside of Heidelberg. I don't much feel like detailing what we did on the trip at the moment (I'm tired, jet lagged and too antsy to sit here) but you can check out my brother's blog for some narrative on a few things we did and E's first birthday! I'll post more photos later - but in the mean time, enjoy these pictures of my brother, sister-in-law and the cutest baby ever!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Happy 18 months to me, and the humor in unplugging things
Today I have 18 months. Thank God for that.
I just have to share this silly story that happened when I got back from Europe today - mostly because I am grateful that I can laugh about this, and also tell other people rather than be ashamed of it. I've blogged just a bit about the fact that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't just mean that I am slightly compulsive about double checking that the stove is off - like we all are (we all are like this right?) - I mean real OCD (I have irrational thought and behavior associations and I do strange things to alleviate the anxiety), though I have managed since I was about 8 to control it myself and have never taken medication. As I mentioned in that one post - my doctor says it "doesn't affect my ability to function." Ask me whether or not this is true on a bad day.
My OCD goes something like this - if I don't eat chocolate today, things won't fall apart at work. If I double check the iron one more time, I will have a good day. If I don't wear X shirt today, my brother won't get hit by a bus. I absolutely have to see how much money I owe on my credit card, literally right this second, or I am going to lose my job. Okay, so I am weird. This is a great anxiety relieving thing for me. All I have to do is not wear X, not eat Y, double check Z, do A, B and C at exactly the moment they must be done, no matter what...and I am guaranteed an anxiety free day. For some reason I feel less ashamed about this than the fact that I'm an alcoholic. Not sure why.
So, I got back from "vacation," tried to shred something, turn on my home computer, toast a bagel and connect my work computer to the wireless. Nothing worked - though it took me many minutes to realize that the toaster wasn't getting hot...I should know this - I do this every time I come home from being out of town for more than three days - I try to toast something and it doesn't work. (A good question might be why do I need to be on two computers, a blackberry and my cell phone all at once within hours of returning to the country...).
Why does nothing in the house work? Because I have unplugged a random three quarters of the things in the house - and let me tell you that it is random. Why? Cause it makes me feel better to unplug things when I leave town, and rather than ruin my vacation worrying that my world is going to somehow implode and it will be related to the fact that the red lamp is plugged in, I just go ahead and unplug things. A lamp here, a lamp there, the shredder, the toaster, the wireless for my mac, the printer, one power strip. Left the t.v. plugged in, the tivo - some other miscellaneous things in that corner. Every time I come home I forget that I have done this and only figure it out as one by one I try to use things and they don't work. I leave everything plugged in when I am in town though - I didn't always. That's progress! Ha ha!
I just have to share this silly story that happened when I got back from Europe today - mostly because I am grateful that I can laugh about this, and also tell other people rather than be ashamed of it. I've blogged just a bit about the fact that I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I don't just mean that I am slightly compulsive about double checking that the stove is off - like we all are (we all are like this right?) - I mean real OCD (I have irrational thought and behavior associations and I do strange things to alleviate the anxiety), though I have managed since I was about 8 to control it myself and have never taken medication. As I mentioned in that one post - my doctor says it "doesn't affect my ability to function." Ask me whether or not this is true on a bad day.
My OCD goes something like this - if I don't eat chocolate today, things won't fall apart at work. If I double check the iron one more time, I will have a good day. If I don't wear X shirt today, my brother won't get hit by a bus. I absolutely have to see how much money I owe on my credit card, literally right this second, or I am going to lose my job. Okay, so I am weird. This is a great anxiety relieving thing for me. All I have to do is not wear X, not eat Y, double check Z, do A, B and C at exactly the moment they must be done, no matter what...and I am guaranteed an anxiety free day. For some reason I feel less ashamed about this than the fact that I'm an alcoholic. Not sure why.
So, I got back from "vacation," tried to shred something, turn on my home computer, toast a bagel and connect my work computer to the wireless. Nothing worked - though it took me many minutes to realize that the toaster wasn't getting hot...I should know this - I do this every time I come home from being out of town for more than three days - I try to toast something and it doesn't work. (A good question might be why do I need to be on two computers, a blackberry and my cell phone all at once within hours of returning to the country...).
Why does nothing in the house work? Because I have unplugged a random three quarters of the things in the house - and let me tell you that it is random. Why? Cause it makes me feel better to unplug things when I leave town, and rather than ruin my vacation worrying that my world is going to somehow implode and it will be related to the fact that the red lamp is plugged in, I just go ahead and unplug things. A lamp here, a lamp there, the shredder, the toaster, the wireless for my mac, the printer, one power strip. Left the t.v. plugged in, the tivo - some other miscellaneous things in that corner. Every time I come home I forget that I have done this and only figure it out as one by one I try to use things and they don't work. I leave everything plugged in when I am in town though - I didn't always. That's progress! Ha ha!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
How about a different approach
Instead of sitting here being restless, irritable and discontent at the Frankfurt airport waiting for my flight to the UK, I am going to try for a little gratitude. Here we go, let's see if I can do this.
I am grateful for/that:
1. My blackberry (okay, seriously, try harder).
2. I am going home on Thursday.
3. There are people who care about me and love me and worry about me and check on me.
4. AA and all of the strangers who have reached out via blogging.
5. No matter where I go there will always be people who will help me, even if I can't get to a meeting.
6. I got to spend a week and a half with my nephew who reminds me to laugh even at the tiniest thing and to stay in the moment.
7. It is summer.
8. That I am healthy.
9. That I got to go to Germany and France, two places I had never been.
10. That I have no obstacles in front of me.
11. That I get to choose to live my life differently and don't have to turn into my mother.
12. That I am financially stable and independent and don't have to worry about money.
13. That I like my job and like going to work every day.
14. That I work with a really great group of people.
15. That I will have 18 months on Thursday.
16. That I got to have a break from work.
Okay, admittedly, that is not the best list I have come up with, but it is a start.
I am grateful for/that:
1. My blackberry (okay, seriously, try harder).
2. I am going home on Thursday.
3. There are people who care about me and love me and worry about me and check on me.
4. AA and all of the strangers who have reached out via blogging.
5. No matter where I go there will always be people who will help me, even if I can't get to a meeting.
6. I got to spend a week and a half with my nephew who reminds me to laugh even at the tiniest thing and to stay in the moment.
7. It is summer.
8. That I am healthy.
9. That I got to go to Germany and France, two places I had never been.
10. That I have no obstacles in front of me.
11. That I get to choose to live my life differently and don't have to turn into my mother.
12. That I am financially stable and independent and don't have to worry about money.
13. That I like my job and like going to work every day.
14. That I work with a really great group of people.
15. That I will have 18 months on Thursday.
16. That I got to have a break from work.
Okay, admittedly, that is not the best list I have come up with, but it is a start.
Monday, June 11, 2007
Thirteen days and counting...as I get angrier by the second
It's been 13 days since I've been to a meeting. I only did this once before - went this long without a meeting. I think I went 15 days. That time it was because I was in the middle of breast cancer treatment, working like crazy, didn't feel that well, was lazy, was in between sponsors, and frankly, I was full of excuses not to go. This time it is because there are no English speaking meetings that I can get to where I am at in Germany. No wonder my mental state is in the toilet. I really underestimated the effect this would have on me. I would have taken this trip anyway - but I just wasn't prepared for it. Not sure how I could have prepared though anyway. I am reading, working on the re-write of my inventory, calling my sponsor...
I felt relieved though when a friend told me this morning that a friend of hers with 36 years of sobriety said he would start to go crazy if he didn't go to a meeting for 4 days. That makes me feel a lot better. Somehow, people outside of AA have planted this idea in my head that the longer I stay sober, the less I need to go to meetings. This just isn't ever going to be the case. Sometimes I hate this fact, but right now, I accept it, cause I really need a meeting.
So, basically, on day 13 of no meetings - I'm really fucking angry and completely terrified. I'm angry that I had breast cancer at 29, I'm angry that I've had nothing but shitty relationships, and I'm angry at my mother for never getting sober and completely screwing me up. I feel like having breast cancer has destroyed my life and I just have no acceptance that this has happened to me. None, I have none. Not only do I have no acceptance, I can't even begin to process it, even now, 6 months after the whole ordeal was over. I feel as angry as I felt the day I walked into AA. I feel like I can't live with this. I just can't live with it. I can't live with the life that I have been left with.
I am being consumed by fear - absolutely eaten alive by it. I am terrified that I am going to get cancer again and have to die a miserable death before I even make it to 35. This is by far my biggest fear and I literally don't know what to do with it. If this happens, I will not be able to handle it.
What happened to everything I know? One day at a time...etc...gratitude...it all went out the window about 6 days ago.
I felt relieved though when a friend told me this morning that a friend of hers with 36 years of sobriety said he would start to go crazy if he didn't go to a meeting for 4 days. That makes me feel a lot better. Somehow, people outside of AA have planted this idea in my head that the longer I stay sober, the less I need to go to meetings. This just isn't ever going to be the case. Sometimes I hate this fact, but right now, I accept it, cause I really need a meeting.
So, basically, on day 13 of no meetings - I'm really fucking angry and completely terrified. I'm angry that I had breast cancer at 29, I'm angry that I've had nothing but shitty relationships, and I'm angry at my mother for never getting sober and completely screwing me up. I feel like having breast cancer has destroyed my life and I just have no acceptance that this has happened to me. None, I have none. Not only do I have no acceptance, I can't even begin to process it, even now, 6 months after the whole ordeal was over. I feel as angry as I felt the day I walked into AA. I feel like I can't live with this. I just can't live with it. I can't live with the life that I have been left with.
I am being consumed by fear - absolutely eaten alive by it. I am terrified that I am going to get cancer again and have to die a miserable death before I even make it to 35. This is by far my biggest fear and I literally don't know what to do with it. If this happens, I will not be able to handle it.
What happened to everything I know? One day at a time...etc...gratitude...it all went out the window about 6 days ago.
Friday, June 08, 2007
A word for a lack of words
I am suffering from an inability to post. I don't know if it is a lack of words, or a lack of the right words. I suspect the latter because I have actually sent enough content in emails to a friend of mine to post for the entire month of June probably - it's just nothing that I feel like talking to all of you about. I did a little searching around on the Internet, thesaurus.com, to find a word for a lack of words to title this post, and I couldn't find one that seemed fitting. It feels like there is a big hole where the words should be. I have wanted to post, but just can't.
The truth is, there is a lot on my mind, but again, nothing I feel like sharing with the rest of you - so I have limited myself to dumping it all out in email after email to the one friend who is privy to the crazy workings of my mind. I am in a bit of a strange place honestly. A lot was going on just before I left town, and it has now been 10 days since the last AA meeting I went to. To my unfortunate surprise, I can't get to any of the English speaking meetings where I am at because they are all located on a US military base that I am unable to enter.
Not only that, but my higher power seems to have missed the plane and neglected to stand by for a later flight. I feel a complete disconnection over here. Like my HP is not present. I asked it today if it could show up please, just show me it's here. I am still waiting for a sign. So, what happens when you don't go to AA meetings? You start to go crazy in your own head frankly - and any of us would tell you that any of our heads is a dangerous place to be by yourself. I know this is meaningless to those of you non AAers, and I have tried many times and failed at trying to explain why this happens or what this is like. I assure you it is not that I feel like drinking - that rarely, if ever, has anything to do with it.
So, here I have been hanging out in my own screwed up head for 10 days now. The result, honestly, is scary. When I don't go to meetings I suffer from a serious lack of perspective. My once seemingly, or sometimes seemingly amazing life (and yes, I will even tell you from time to time that my life is incredible, outstanding, I wouldn't have it any other way etc. and blah blah blah - was that really me giving that "open talk?"), suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, doesn't seem worth living (don't anyone freak out or call me regarding this statement, there is no reason to be alarmed). My negative attitude comes back, every thing sucks, nothing is right, nothing will ever be right, nothing will ever work out, I complain and complain, boo hoo, poor me, why me, why this, I give up, I'll never get what I want, I hate myself, I hate my life, I don't want to live it, I am not going to make it, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, or anything for that matter, I'm done, I'm not trying, I don't care, it's too painful (in other words, I revert to the me I used to be in many ways).
Truthfully, I might be having somewhat of a depression/anxiety/unidentified problem - something I am trying to work out outside of meetings and everything else going on in my life. I can say for sure that I am suffering a bit over here, but I was suffering before I got here. Also - I had come here with a mission - to figure some things out. I thought I would post about that, but I have decided not to. Sometimes I decide to keep something only in my head - never to write about it - never to distort it with imperfect words that can't accurately describe it anyway. Did I figure it out - you'll never know. I will tell you though that it is hard to accomplish much of anything when my HP is MIA.
My trip has been fun, relaxing, very enjoyable, my nephew is the cutest thing ever - that's all I am going to say. I will post photos though when I get back!
I have a few things yet to get done over here in the next week - I need to finish completely re-writing my 4th step inventory, finish a novel so I can leave it for my sister-in-law to read, mostly, I need to finish that inventory....
The truth is, there is a lot on my mind, but again, nothing I feel like sharing with the rest of you - so I have limited myself to dumping it all out in email after email to the one friend who is privy to the crazy workings of my mind. I am in a bit of a strange place honestly. A lot was going on just before I left town, and it has now been 10 days since the last AA meeting I went to. To my unfortunate surprise, I can't get to any of the English speaking meetings where I am at because they are all located on a US military base that I am unable to enter.
Not only that, but my higher power seems to have missed the plane and neglected to stand by for a later flight. I feel a complete disconnection over here. Like my HP is not present. I asked it today if it could show up please, just show me it's here. I am still waiting for a sign. So, what happens when you don't go to AA meetings? You start to go crazy in your own head frankly - and any of us would tell you that any of our heads is a dangerous place to be by yourself. I know this is meaningless to those of you non AAers, and I have tried many times and failed at trying to explain why this happens or what this is like. I assure you it is not that I feel like drinking - that rarely, if ever, has anything to do with it.
So, here I have been hanging out in my own screwed up head for 10 days now. The result, honestly, is scary. When I don't go to meetings I suffer from a serious lack of perspective. My once seemingly, or sometimes seemingly amazing life (and yes, I will even tell you from time to time that my life is incredible, outstanding, I wouldn't have it any other way etc. and blah blah blah - was that really me giving that "open talk?"), suddenly, and I do mean suddenly, doesn't seem worth living (don't anyone freak out or call me regarding this statement, there is no reason to be alarmed). My negative attitude comes back, every thing sucks, nothing is right, nothing will ever be right, nothing will ever work out, I complain and complain, boo hoo, poor me, why me, why this, I give up, I'll never get what I want, I hate myself, I hate my life, I don't want to live it, I am not going to make it, I can't do this, I don't want to do this, or anything for that matter, I'm done, I'm not trying, I don't care, it's too painful (in other words, I revert to the me I used to be in many ways).
Truthfully, I might be having somewhat of a depression/anxiety/unidentified problem - something I am trying to work out outside of meetings and everything else going on in my life. I can say for sure that I am suffering a bit over here, but I was suffering before I got here. Also - I had come here with a mission - to figure some things out. I thought I would post about that, but I have decided not to. Sometimes I decide to keep something only in my head - never to write about it - never to distort it with imperfect words that can't accurately describe it anyway. Did I figure it out - you'll never know. I will tell you though that it is hard to accomplish much of anything when my HP is MIA.
My trip has been fun, relaxing, very enjoyable, my nephew is the cutest thing ever - that's all I am going to say. I will post photos though when I get back!
I have a few things yet to get done over here in the next week - I need to finish completely re-writing my 4th step inventory, finish a novel so I can leave it for my sister-in-law to read, mostly, I need to finish that inventory....
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Hello from Germany
First impressions of Germany - what can I say - I miss America. How American of me. I don't know what it is exactly that I miss, but I miss it. So far my visit to Germany is going well though - I adjusted to the time change rather easily and have so far been enjoying relaxing. Though truthfully I am caught up in whether I am actually relaxed enough. Am I actually enjoying myself? Do I feel relaxed, could I feel more relaxed, could I be more present in the moment, could I enjoy myself still more? Not sure - maybe I could stress out about that one for a while. Considering I have lived most of my life not really present in the moment - but elsewhere, at least in my head anyway - I am just not sure what this would feel like - to really experience happiness - to really enjoy something. I would like to believe that I know what this is like, but I actually don't know whether I know or not. My sponsor would tell me to stop thinking so much about it.
My nephew is super cute and fun to hang out with - though truthfully being here just makes me miss my brother and family more than I already do. It is a poignant reminder of the limited time we have with people, the necessity to enjoy it and the fear of panic that overtakes me when I think about the kind of regret that comes with realizing you have lived all wrong. Hence the need to make sure I am enjoying every last second. Sometimes you focus so hard on something, that you completely miss the point. I think I might have set my expectations too high in terms of what enjoying life is supposed to be like. Either way I seem to go about it - it turns out to be a disappointment. Either because I don't enjoy it enough or I think I should be enjoying it more. Regardless, I am loving being with my nephew. And if I told you what I was letting him do right now to keep him occupied while I type this - you would be horrified.
Anyway, more to come. I've taken lots of photos so I will be posting those when I get back. Tomorrow is E's birthday so that will be fun. I'm actually having a hard time posting for some reason. I keep writing posts and then deleting them. More later...
My nephew is super cute and fun to hang out with - though truthfully being here just makes me miss my brother and family more than I already do. It is a poignant reminder of the limited time we have with people, the necessity to enjoy it and the fear of panic that overtakes me when I think about the kind of regret that comes with realizing you have lived all wrong. Hence the need to make sure I am enjoying every last second. Sometimes you focus so hard on something, that you completely miss the point. I think I might have set my expectations too high in terms of what enjoying life is supposed to be like. Either way I seem to go about it - it turns out to be a disappointment. Either because I don't enjoy it enough or I think I should be enjoying it more. Regardless, I am loving being with my nephew. And if I told you what I was letting him do right now to keep him occupied while I type this - you would be horrified.
Anyway, more to come. I've taken lots of photos so I will be posting those when I get back. Tomorrow is E's birthday so that will be fun. I'm actually having a hard time posting for some reason. I keep writing posts and then deleting them. More later...
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