Perhaps a bit prematurely

This might seem a bit premature, and maybe it really is, I don' t know, but I've decided I don't want to have another relationship, like ever. I know, I know, I'm only 32 and anything can happen, there is still time. That's what people always say, you have time - meaning you have time to have children. Well, I don't in fact, have time. Not all the time in the world anyway and no time to waste. Why bother with another relationship that is going to go horribly wrong three years down the road and then you are left starting over, again. Forget it. Again and again you start over until it's just plain too late. At this point, if I am being honest about it, I can only say that I am looking for a husband, not a relationship, and I don't want to look for a husband so that I can have kids "in time." It's just not what I want to do. I'm just not interested anymore.

So, I have decided to skip the husband altogether and go straight to the having kids part. I've decided this in my mind, I haven't decided how to execute on this. The reason is that a) I won't be fertile for as long as I would have been had I never taken chemo drugs, b) they can't predict how long I will be fertile and c) I've been told I shouldn't wait very long because of a) and b). What does any of this mean except that I don't have time for another relationship to fall part and to have to start over. I just don't have the time.

I wish I knew how little or how much time I do have, but I don't know. There aren't even good statistics to predict this. I told myself that 1 year after finishing treatment I would start to make decisions about this issue. And that time came and went and now it's a nearly a year and a half later than that and nothing has happened. I haven't met anyone. I haven't dated anyone. Is time running out? I don't know. That's the problem, I don't know and I have no way of knowing. It pisses me off when people tell me that I have all kinds of time because I just may not actually have all that much time left.

I thought I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't be able to do it alone. I thought the alone part was going to stop me. But maybe I won't have to do it alone. Maybe there are people who will help me.

So in theory I have plotted out how to do it but executing on it is something else. First things first, all this medication I just went on, I am going to find out whether I have to go off of it when I decide to do this. The answer is most likely. So there is that downside. Anyway, then I am going to go talk to the fertility doctor that I saw when I first found out I had breast cancer. See then I was going to freeze embryos because I had a boyfriend. It is no surprise that that relationship fell apart (long story not worth telling). I regretted for a long time that I didn't freeze the embryos in case I was no longer fertile. Now I guess I am glad that I didn't freeze them.

Anyway, the point is, I no longer care whether I have a boyfriend, or a husband, ever, but I am going to find a way to have kids. Someone will help me.

A stove, what's that?

This morning the gas company called me to determine whether someone in fact lives in my unit because nothing has been registering on the gas meter for, well, since last August. They couldn't figure out if the meter was reading wrong, or no one lives here. I told them that I do live here, really I do. And he told me that even usage of the stove would register something on the meter, like he is trying to prove that I don't live here or something. I told him I only eat microwaved food. He said he would note it on my record.

32

Happy birthday to me.

Officially

It's official as of today.  I am a three year breast cancer survivor.

Spa extravaganza take two

My spa trip is three weeks away - three weeks from today. Yes, I am counting. I have decided not to take my work computer. I know - why would I ever take my work computer to a spa? I did last year, and I was on leave.  When I travel I usually take my work computer, because usually I'm working or at least want/need the ability to log on if necessary. Or something like that. Or whatever other reason I tell myself.  I took it last year mainly because it was newer than my home computer (but don't worry, I didn't check my email, thereby ruining my trip).

I've decided this time to take my Mac instead of my work computer.  I have a brand new Mac and if I take it, I can download my pictures every day and post them while I'm there rather than waiting until I get home.  I never really posted that many pictures from last year because I didn't feel like posting a bunch all at once.  This way I am going to try to post pictures once or twice a day.

I'm so grateful that I have the opportunity to go to this spa again.  It's the most fun thing I've ever done, the most relaxing, the most life changing.  I can't wait.  I am going for 8 nights and every night I have a spa treatment, I think I'm doing, a pedicure, facial, hot stone massage, aloe wrap, a lavender oil wrap, a chamomile scrub, and something called herbal balancing.  This time I am also going to try to do the challenges that I didn't get to do the last time, and of course the rock climbing challenge since it is still my new favorite thing.

It would be fun to go with someone so that you have someone to have lunch and dinner with, but it's also kind of fun to go alone and do your own thing.  I personally got a lot of going alone the last time.  It forced me to step out of my comfort zone and out of my shell and speak up for a change and not worry about what people thought of me.  It changed me.

This time I upgraded rooms so I would have a view of the sunrise.  I can't wait.

The guilt about it

My main vacation for the year is coming up, and boy do I need it. Most likely I'll end up taking two vacations because I am really only out of the office for 6 days for this one. It's hard to believe it has been almost a year, well 10 months, since I went on that leave of absence. The truth is, I wish I had taken more time, which I could have legally, and I should have. I didn't because I felt guilty. Ever since they hired me, which was over three years ago now, I've felt like I have to prove myself because I had breast cancer. I felt so bad that I was diagnosed with it right after they paid a fee to hire me, that all this time I have been trying to make sure that they think they made the right decision by hiring me. Which has resulted in me feeling guilty every single time I take a day off. I feel like I need a good reason, like I have to justify it, like it can't just be because I feel like I need a day, it has to be for a reason more legitimate than that, it has to be for something big or something out of my control like a doctor's appointment. Going home to Michigan isn't even legitimate enough. Anyway, I wanted to take today off too, not just tomorrow, but again, I felt too guilty too. This is something I need to work on. Never once has the partner I work with given me a hard time about a day off or a vacation - it is all manufactured in my head. In fact he has never said a word about any of it, or ever said no to me working from outside the office either. I am determined not to feel guilty about being off tomorrow because I don't want it to ruin my time with my friend.

That time of year again

It's that time of year again. The day I was diagnosed with cancer, my birthday, and that day in between. That day when nothing made sense anymore and on which I knew that nothing would ever be the same - that I would never be the same. These days never seem to pass without notice. I guess because it's impossible to forget your own birthday. This year though, for the first time, I feel ever so slightly differently. I feel a little less afraid and just a tiny bit more optimistic.

This year I will be distracted from these days that I dread. I have a good friend coming into town. It's someone that I've spent almost no time with but who I consider to be one of my closest friends. Who says you can't make real friends through the blog world? Absolutely you can. I'm looking forward to the weekend - I can't wait.

Square one

The billable year rolled over May 1. It's a fresh start. A whole new year to worry about billing hours. I vowed last year not to worry about it, and it turns out I didn't have to. Things were so slow that everyone came in under target, though admittedly I was way under target. Partly due to the fact that when I went on leave it was busy, and when I came back it was slow and stayed that way until, oh, about now. I have some busy days and some really slow ones like today. Overall I would say things have picked up a bit but I am not even close to as busy as I used to be.

As far as worrying goes though, it's day 6 of the year and I've already spent time calculating how much I have to bill every day, accounting for taking one day off, so that I can come in 20 hours above target for the month of may, thereby accounting for approximately 2 days of my vacation in June. Uh, yeah, and so I'm not worrying, not at all. And, I do this regularly, like every few days or so I revisit what I need to be billing so that I can try to have enough work to stay on track. And yes, I know, this is ridiculous, it's day 6 and I am already calculating things.