Climb on

Today I went climbing after work. I guess I haven't been in two weeks. It was awesome. I need to go more often because it is the only thing that makes me feel okay lately. I like the mental and physical challenge. And the fact that it shuts your whole brain down. I guess I really needed an escape from the constant noise and crazy in my head these days and the constant sadness. For two hours anyway, I was relieved.

With slightly less dread and not a lot of motivation

This morning (well and yesterday I guess), for the first time in a long time, I did not feel overwhelming dread about going to work. I can't remember the last time I felt okay about going to work. Usually at about three on Sunday the reality and the dread set in. Not yesterday or today though. Trouble is, once I got here, I was completely unmotivated to do anything. The partner is on vacation. And on Friday when I left, it seemed like I have tons to do while he is gone, but, I guess because I feel no time pressure, I am totally unmotivated. I am definitely more efficient when I have tons to do and the pressure of deadlines. As it is, I have stuff to do by next Thursday, therefore, that gives me a few days to waste until the time pressure builds up a bit and I get motivated to do something.

Other than that, I've just been feeling generally sad lately, crying a lot for no real reason other than just a completely overwhelming feeling of sad.

Gone sailing

Fine but not like I expected

So I walked in the Relay for Life cancer walk in Dexter Michigan on Sat. Remember before I was worried, would I be upset, would I be fine, no idea? It turns out I was fine. There was one moment during the survivor walk that I could have cried if I had allowed myself to, but of course I didn't. Overall it was kind of weird actually. I was on a large team of people and it felt sort of awkward because the only two people I really knew were the organizer of the team and my cousin. I didn't know anyone else. Everyone else around my age on the team were coupled and all had kids who were there for all of the kid activities. And then there was me. Feeling mostly uncomfortable and very much like an outsider as much of the activity and conversation surrounded children. And even when it didn't, I still felt like I didn't belong there. I'm a pretty quiet person - not necessarily one to strike up conversations with random people. The result was that not that many people talked to me at all really. I just sort of felt like I was there. By the end of the night I really just kind of wanted to go home early. I just sort of felt like I was done. It was emotionally draining even though I didn't have much emotional reaction to it, if that makes sense at all. And it's difficult sometimes to be surrounded by people with children like that. It's hard to pretend like the conversation is interesting sometimes and you have nothing to offer to it. I didn't mean to seem disinterested I just didn't have anything to say.

In some ways I am not surprised that I didn't have a strong reaction to it, it's just not really me to publicly display emotion. The whole thing felt sort of weird to me. It wasn't what I expected it to be, either good or bad. It was something entirely different. Despite what it felt like or how it seemed at times, I was happy to be a part of something so important even though it's not really my kind of thing. I wish I could connect with people more over having been through something similar, but I can't seem to. Like I had said before, maybe I have processed it already in the only way I am able to. And maybe the way I deal with it is the right way for me, or the only way for me. Not sure.

And yes, I know, it wasn't about me or how I felt, I'm just reflecting on how it felt to me to participate in something like this for the first time. I don't know how to describe it really except that it wasn't what I expected in any way.

This isn't the first time recently that I've been reminded about expectations. I feel like something is pointing me towards changing them. More on that later.

Talking about unknowns

This weekend I am walking in the Relay for Life in Dexter, Michigan, a walk to benefit cancer research. I am a bit leery of doing it. Talk about unknowns. Like I said, I deal with it by ignoring it. Immersing myself in it is not the way I deal with it. So I can't really predict what will happen. Maybe the wall I have built up around myself is impenetrable and I'll be fine. Or maybe it is paper thin and I won't be. I just don't know. I know for some people, raising money for cancer research, doing walks, volunteering, belonging to support groups - this is the way they deal with what happened. In general, these things are not for me and I tend to get annoyed when people suggest I join a support group. And no, I am not opposed to support groups, I belong to the biggest one of all right - AA, but cancer support groups are not for me. Sitting around and talking about it is not for me. Focusing on it is not for me. Making it a focus of my life work is not for me. Offering my experience up to help others just isn't for me. I don't think it ever will be. So this weekend is one of those unknowns that I was talking about. I have never done anything like this since going through what I went through. I have never been surrounded by a bunch of people who went through what I went through and to be perfectly honest, I am not entirely sure I want to be. I know it's maybe a weird way of dealing with it, but it's just the way I am. Will I be fine, or not fine? I have no idea.

I live my life the way I climb

When the climbing wall instructor tells you that you are too negative about your climbing, he is on to something about how you live your day to day life, about how you are in the world. It is clearer and clearer to me the way my default position impacts the entirety of my life.

In a lot of ways, how you do one small thing is how you live your life. It's the same thing I learned over and over again at the spa both times I have been there. The challenges at the spa are all about fear of the unknown. And how you handle fear of the unknown in a challenge is often how you handle fear of the unknown in life. Do you give up? Do you charge ahead? Are you confident?

I've learned two things about myself from these spa trips which don't necessarily match my personality in life, A) I give up too easily even when I know I can do it, I give up without even really trying and the moment I give up is the split second before I would have succeeded (at least this was true at the spa - though I would say not true in life) and B) the whole time I am trying I talk about how I can't do it. B) is definitely true. I do this at the rock wall - or maybe the rock wall instructor on Tuesday's at 4:30 is just exceedingly optimistic, not sure. And I am sure I do this in life. All the damn time.

The giving up thing though - I can't figure it out. At the spa the first time, I was determined when it came to challenges - determined to succeed at them and complete them, this time, not so much. The instructors for all the challenges picked up on my negativity and politely encouraged me to examine the rest of my life. And so I have, and yes, I am negative. That's my default position. It always has been and I've always known it. You tell me something, and I will find the negative in it almost immediately. But that isn't how I am in life when faced with a challenge. In life, I rise to the challenge, I beat the hell out of it if I have to (though all the while telling myself I can't - I do in fact succeed). I mean when I had breast cancer, I survived that almost as if nothing happened. I'm not sure what changed between spa trip 1 and spa trip 2 that made me okay with giving up so easily. And I'm not sure if that changed in my life. Am I giving up on life too easily, right exactly at the wrong moment?

Processing it, not processing it

I've decided that I'm trying too hard and putting too much pressure on myself to process this business of having had breast cancer. It's been three years since I was diagnosed (that's almost impossible to believe) and I have yet to "process" it, whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Different things to different people I am sure. If I think about it for a split second, I burst into tears, mostly it is the overwhelming fear that gets a hold of me. If I ignore it, I am sort of fine. I can sometimes escape the fear and anxiety that plague me if I pretend it didn't happen and try to live like it won't happen again. I think this is the best route for me, simply forgetting it ever happened. It's the only way that living with it is possible. So I've decided that for me, processing it means not processing it at all. I think I have processed it to the extent I am able. So enough is enough. I've gotta move farther on, some how.

The minimum effort necessary

These days I put the minimum effort necessary into getting ready for work. I just don't feel like I have anyone to impress here. Not with my appearance anyway. Of course when I go see a client I am totally appropriate and look nice, but that happens like almost never. We do everything by phone and email. So I put on a little under eye concealer (out of habit I guess since I sleep 10 hours a night and shouldn't need any), some powder, a little blush and some lip gloss which I never reapply. As far as clothes, I try not to look like a total slob. I try to look semi-put together, like I try to match if possible. Sometimes I fail at even that and I just don't care. I think it's just part of my general feeling of blah these days. I can't seem to shake it. I'm not depressed, just unhappy and blah. I've decided it's 75% work and 25% other. I just don't know what other is. And the work stuff, I think it's just because it's slow and I have hardly any work to do - so I have to pass the time somehow and it's not easy. Either way I can't win though. I seem to be unhappy whether it's busy or slow. I don't have work, I'm bored. I have work, I end up overly busy. There is no happy medium. Yes, I am grateful for my job, and I don't mean to complain, I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong. It's been wrong for a while and I just can't seem to really figure it out.

Before you go accusing me of being ungrateful

Before you accuse me of being ungrateful, let me just say that I am grateful for my job. Now I am going to complain about it. Or not complain exactly, it's just that I'm unhappy. And yes, I think it is possible to be both grateful and unhappy. I've been unhappy for a while now and I don't know what to do about it - or if there is even anything I can do for that matter. It all started when I went on leave. Well before I went on leave actually when I nearly lost my mind. Ever since I came back from leave, I have been unhappy at work. Something changed while I was away from work and I'm not exactly sure what. Objectively I know I have a great job, however, I think it lost its importance in my life. Which actually is probably a good thing, I just haven't replaced it.

I had this idea in my mind when I went on leave that I would process what I went through with having had breast cancer. Well that didn't happen. It wasn't for a lack of trying, I was trying, I'm still trying, it's just that it didn't happen and it isn't happening now. Maybe it isn't going to happen. Maybe I am trying too hard. Maybe I processed it in my own way already and that's that. Maybe for me processing it means not processing it at all. But although that didn't happen for me while I was away, what I did realize was that in the scheme of things, the relative importance of my job is practically not existent. It simply doesn't matter to me anymore. Now granted I still feel guilty every time I take a day off and yes I feel guilty when I leave early - but it's actual importance in my life is nil. I don't live for my job, I don't love it, I don't even care to work all that hard. It doesn't define my life anymore the way that it used to. It used to be who I was. This therapist that I saw very briefly said I should say, I work as a...instead of I am a.... That some how then I would feel less defined by it. Anyway.

But like I said, I haven't replaced my job with anything more important. So there is like this void of unhappiness. And as you know, if you have been reading this, I live with this constant fear and anxiety of getting cancer again. I live with this terrible fear that my life will be cut short and I will have missed my opportunity. My opportunity for what? And when your ship sinks, and it is sinking, as this guy Fain likes to say, what are you going to wish? I won't wish that I was great at my job or financially successful, I won't wish that I was great at anything really, I won't wish that I made a difference, I won't wish that everything turned out just so, I will wish simply that I figured out how to live in the moment and I will wish that I had been happy. At the present, I am failing at both. Let me tell you folks, from my own personal experience with facing my mortality, you don't want to feel the regret of not having been happy.

Awesome

Just like I've been telling them

How ticked off would you be?

The day that I got here I called guest services to complain that the outside door to the patio did not seem to be locking properly.  Eventually, they sent someone out.  That someone assessed the door and said it was working just fine.  Let me also add that I was staying in one of the nicest rooms available on the property.  The room was amazing, though not necessary.  Anyway, I was uncomfortable with the door even after he left because it really didn't seem to be locking properly.  The next day someone showed up to recheck the door.  He also said that the door is locking properly.  I kept saying that it wasn't.  They kept saying it was.  Maybe they could get it to lock properly, but I couldn't seem to.  Basically I didn't use the patio because I didn't want to unlock the door, just in case it was locked properly, I didn't want to touch it.  But I continued to remain uncomfortable with the door, not believing that it was locking properly. By not locking properly I mean someone could open it from the outside.

Today, again, someone else showed up to check the door.  Why do people keep coming to check the door if it's working properly?  Keep in mind I've been staying in this room for 5 nights already.  This time, FINALLY, the guy said the door is not locking properly, it can be opened from the outside.  We should move you to another room because we can't fix the door.  HELLO.  Now maybe I should have complained more or complained louder.  I don't really know.  So then I had to pack in a whirlwind, move to another room, unpack everything to make sure I didn't lose anything in the hasty way I packed, eat lunch and then go bitch out management.  

How big of a stink can I really make?  Nothing happened, no one broke in, nothing was taken, but still.  I'm pissed.  I asked to be downgraded to a cheaper room, which they did, and they offered me a further discounted rate for the last 3 nights of my stay.  I kind of wish they would discount the whole thing, but what can I say really?  Nothing happened, I am just pissed about it.  Then, because I had to move in a whirlwind and try to squeeze lunch in, I was going to have a hard time getting to my spa appointment.  I called the spa and explained the situation and they said they would move my appointment time but that they would have to charge me twice.  You have got to be kidding me.  Management fixed that for me also.  So what can I say really?  Nothing happened and they discounted the rest of my stay, fixed my spa appointment and were very apologetic.  Due to the situation though I missed my scheduled lunch with the nutritionist here at the spa which I was really looking forward to.

Anyway, I am in a safe room now.  Unpacked again.  The patio door locks properly.  I have to say, although the room was amazing, as was the view, it was definitely not necessary to stay in a room that nice.  I could stay in the basic room here and still be happy.  So that's good info for next time.  Although right now I am not planning a next time.

Everything the opposite

I can't exactly figure out why, but this trip to the spa has been exactly the opposite of the last time I was here. The last time everything was an unknown, the resort was more crowded, I met more people to hang out with, I was determined to complete challenges (and completed all the ones I did), I learned a lot about myself, I stepped way outside of my comfort zone.  This time, everything is the opposite.

Foregoing the tightrope

I decided this morning, after this mornings tightrope challenge, not to go back and re do the other tightrope challenge.  Walking across tightropes is not my thing apparently.  Rock climbing on the other hand....I went back to do the rock wall, hoping to be able to climb a different side of the wall, which I was able to do because there were only three of us.  After that I got to climb blindfolded.  Now that was awesome.

On Thursday I am going to do some outdoor rock climbing which I've never done before.  I'm looking forward to that more than anything.  

Isn't vacation supposed to be about sleeping in?

So why do I keep getting up at the crack of dawn to go scare the shit out of myself?  I'm starting to question my sanity.  Tomorrow at 6:30 am (why in the world does it have to be so early?) I am going to go walk across cables in the air while balancing my weight against the person who is crossing the cables across from me.  I seriously must have lost my mind.  Because at 11:30 am, I am going to go do the tightrope again (see below).  (Don't think I'm totally crazy though, this is a spa after all.  I have a spa treatment every night).

Nothing changes if nothing changes

Just ponder that.

Yes that is me

Getting ready to cross a wire 45 feet in the air by hanging onto ropes for balance.  This may sound easy, but I assure you it is not.  It is probably the most difficult thing I have done either time I've been here.  So difficult in fact that I sucked so badly at it, that I am going to do it again on Tuesday and see if I am any better.

Wild flowers

Arrival

Destination

Spa heaven. Departure: on time.

Nerves

So I am sitting in the airport blogging from blackberry. I am nervous as hell for some reason. And the strange thing is, I am more nervous this time than the last. The last time I was walking into a complete unknown and I was more excited than anything. This time I am walking into something I know is incredible and I nervous. I feel like I don't know what to expect. The last time it was life changing or at the very least eye opening. It might not have been life changing in ways thgat lasted. I'm just not sure. I don't know what to expect this time and I wonder if my expectations are too high and if perhaps reality won't live up to them this time.

Preview

Slow again

I thought for a couple of days there in May that things were picking up at work. Not so. I have literally nothing to do at the moment. Anything I have to work on is on the partner's desk waiting for comments, so literally, I have nothing to do. I can't even really clean my office because it's basically already and always clean. This deal that I got stuck working on - I probably didn't mention it - is producing no work whatsoever. And any work that it does produce I can do in like a half hour. What am I going to do all day? I can't return to my parking garage at home until after 7 pm because they are power washing the floor. That makes for a long day. I guess I could try to street park if I get home earlier than that. Most likely, I will go climbing. Anyway, this is just kind of a noting post, but I don't have anything else to do.

Oh, but I am only 3 days away from spa heaven. I can't wait.