Yes, apparently I can. So I am sitting in the Frankfurt airport waiting for a train. I could be reading, meditating, listening to an AA open talk on my Ipod. But no, I am on this stupid little electronic device. Truthfully I got on it to chat with my brother about my arrival etc. I am happy to report that the crackberry receives an excellent signal here in the airport.
Anyway, the last 24 hours has gone rather well. It feels like only an hour ago that I was leaving messages for my sponsor while sitting at the airport in Chicago, and like magic, now I am in Germany. I say the past 24 hours have gone well cause I, being the catastrophizer that I am, constantly expects the worst, on the theory that I can only then be pleasantly surprised and never disappointed. By some small miracle, I am not even the tiniest bit tired even though I hardly slept cause the kid behind me kicked my chair every thirty seconds or so.
Finally, now that I am here, I feel excited. However, this trip is a real challenge for me - a challenge to be present, to live in the moment, to let go, to enjoy myself. Can it be done?
More to come from Germany...stay tuned.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Bon voyage has a double meaning
Well, tomorrow night I leave on a much awaited two week adventure in Germany to visit my brother, sister-in-law and nephew. You can check them out here Air and Sun and Nudeln. This trip has been a long time coming - I was supposed to go almost a year ago and couldn't because of being diagnosed with breast cancer. And despite the insanity of my job and my amazing inability to live in the present, I am determined to enjoy every second of it - to be in the moments instead of in between them, to be fully present and in the now. Because if know one thing - it is that life is short and can be ripped right out from underneath you in a life altering split second. Like we always say in AA meetings, we all have the same 24 hours. I try to remain ignorant to the unpredictability of life, but the fact is, you just never really know, do you? I have failed repeatedly to appreciate the journey - focusing instead on the ever changing and always disappointing destination.
The moments I most enjoy, are the moments right after I feel the most afraid. Those are the only moments that I can seem to remember and appreciate what matters in life - like I have probably said, the worst feeling I have ever felt is thinking I might die, and not have another chance to get this right. Can you even imagine the kind of regret that you feel - I can, I have felt it. So it is the journey, and not the destination - and I will try to remember that on Friday morning around 6 am my time when I've been up for 24 hours and am dead tired and ticked off at all of the people who are irritating me.
Anyway - I see this trip as something else, not just a trip to see my brother but as an opportunity for something greater. I am afraid that in the past 5 months since I finished cancer treatment, I have already lost much of the perspective I had gained about life. I have been plagued lately by a feeling that things need to change. Frequently it is about escaping - how can I escape myself, how can I escape what I am feeling? Just because I don't use alcohol doesn't mean I don't use something. I use other people, sometimes, when I have the opportunity. Usually I use my job. This isn't about escaping though - this is about changing. I told my sponsor that I need to come back and be different. I need to be different. She says, of course, if you want to be different, then you have to act differently. I need to experience the complete psychic change that the Big Book talks about. How does one accomplish this? Pray your ass off she tells me. And by the way, my sponsor also says that a spiritual experience doesn't have to be this white light moment when you connect with your higher power. A spiritual experience may be as simple as having the ability to choose that which you could not choose before.
Fortunately, lately, I have been experiencing a lot of discomfort with old behaviors. I always say that we do what we do until it becomes painful enough, and then we stop. We never stop a second sooner. There is this threshold of pain - and my tolerance is incredibly high. But I realized today, for the first time in a quite a while, that something I do, suddenly feels painful enough that I want to stop. For the first time - with this particular situation, the pain that I feel when I don't engage in it is ever so slightly less painful than the pain that I feel when I do. The scale has tipped, finally.
So, this is about regaining perspective and letting go of a bunch of old stuff that I don't want in my life anymore. This is about changing - this is about really getting down to the very root of what makes me so uncomfortable with myself, and choosing to live differently. I don't know why, but it's just time to be rid of old behavior and old people in my life that don't belong there. It's just time, I don't know why now, and not before, but it's time. And I know from experience, that amazing things happen in those moments when you finally surrender.
The moments I most enjoy, are the moments right after I feel the most afraid. Those are the only moments that I can seem to remember and appreciate what matters in life - like I have probably said, the worst feeling I have ever felt is thinking I might die, and not have another chance to get this right. Can you even imagine the kind of regret that you feel - I can, I have felt it. So it is the journey, and not the destination - and I will try to remember that on Friday morning around 6 am my time when I've been up for 24 hours and am dead tired and ticked off at all of the people who are irritating me.
Anyway - I see this trip as something else, not just a trip to see my brother but as an opportunity for something greater. I am afraid that in the past 5 months since I finished cancer treatment, I have already lost much of the perspective I had gained about life. I have been plagued lately by a feeling that things need to change. Frequently it is about escaping - how can I escape myself, how can I escape what I am feeling? Just because I don't use alcohol doesn't mean I don't use something. I use other people, sometimes, when I have the opportunity. Usually I use my job. This isn't about escaping though - this is about changing. I told my sponsor that I need to come back and be different. I need to be different. She says, of course, if you want to be different, then you have to act differently. I need to experience the complete psychic change that the Big Book talks about. How does one accomplish this? Pray your ass off she tells me. And by the way, my sponsor also says that a spiritual experience doesn't have to be this white light moment when you connect with your higher power. A spiritual experience may be as simple as having the ability to choose that which you could not choose before.
Fortunately, lately, I have been experiencing a lot of discomfort with old behaviors. I always say that we do what we do until it becomes painful enough, and then we stop. We never stop a second sooner. There is this threshold of pain - and my tolerance is incredibly high. But I realized today, for the first time in a quite a while, that something I do, suddenly feels painful enough that I want to stop. For the first time - with this particular situation, the pain that I feel when I don't engage in it is ever so slightly less painful than the pain that I feel when I do. The scale has tipped, finally.
So, this is about regaining perspective and letting go of a bunch of old stuff that I don't want in my life anymore. This is about changing - this is about really getting down to the very root of what makes me so uncomfortable with myself, and choosing to live differently. I don't know why, but it's just time to be rid of old behavior and old people in my life that don't belong there. It's just time, I don't know why now, and not before, but it's time. And I know from experience, that amazing things happen in those moments when you finally surrender.
Monday, May 28, 2007
The lie, that I wish the truth could be
What are you thinking about? Everything and nothing. Mostly everything. Sometimes I dump my head out, that's what I call it, in an email to a friend before I go to bed. I think I'll dump it here. I am thinking about him, unfortunately. And whether to shut the phone off. Wondering whether I am going to be able to sleep. Worried about the busy two days of work ahead before my two weeks out of the country.
I forget sometimes that people I know read this. The point was to be able to be open and honest, but I do wonder sometimes what certain of you think of me. I wonder sometimes if ever I sensor myself. Am I really as honest as I want to be? Do I really say it like it is? I lost some friends when I decided to get sober - more than a few. And certain people judged me for it. I struggle always between telling the truth, and telling the lie that is what I wish the truth could be. Telling the lie that I think will make you like me, will make you want me, will make you want to be friends with me. Sticking my toe in the water of "relationships" has made me painfully aware, in the matter of a few weeks, just how much I wish the truth were something other than it is. For a brief 5 minutes, I might have actually felt like I wouldn't trade my story in for something better - like I don't still wish to be someone else.
But the truth is - I would trade in all those ruined holidays and birthdays, all the days my mother passed out by 5 pm, all the times she told me she hated me, all of the bad relationships I've had, the low self-esteem, the abusive relationship, the fear-based decision making, the anxiety, my so called "marriage," my fake relationship with my father, getting sober, surviving breast cancer, my success, my education, my strength, my independence, my resilience. I would trade these things in for another story, if I could. Because I feel like a fraud anyway.
I forget sometimes that my father's family, could, with just a click of a button, find out the truth about me by clicking on the link on my brother's blog. My father doesn't know that I'm an alcoholic or that I am sober - there are 70 some posts of information that he doesn't know. When I think about my father, sad is the first word that comes to mind. The thing that bothered me the most about going home for my 30th birthday, was not the fact that my dad completely forgot it, but the fact that he doesn't know me. Sitting across from him at breakfast was like sitting across from a stranger. I think he likes to tell himself that we are okay, that we are successful and happy and functional people because that is the only thing that makes it bearable. My father has to believe that we are okay because it would devastate him to think otherwise.
So I lie to my father because I don't want him to feel bad. I lie to most everyone else because I don't want to feel bad, or ashamed. People always say that we (AA people) lie when it is just as easy to tell the truth. Sometimes, it is easier to lie.
I forget sometimes that people I know read this. The point was to be able to be open and honest, but I do wonder sometimes what certain of you think of me. I wonder sometimes if ever I sensor myself. Am I really as honest as I want to be? Do I really say it like it is? I lost some friends when I decided to get sober - more than a few. And certain people judged me for it. I struggle always between telling the truth, and telling the lie that is what I wish the truth could be. Telling the lie that I think will make you like me, will make you want me, will make you want to be friends with me. Sticking my toe in the water of "relationships" has made me painfully aware, in the matter of a few weeks, just how much I wish the truth were something other than it is. For a brief 5 minutes, I might have actually felt like I wouldn't trade my story in for something better - like I don't still wish to be someone else.
But the truth is - I would trade in all those ruined holidays and birthdays, all the days my mother passed out by 5 pm, all the times she told me she hated me, all of the bad relationships I've had, the low self-esteem, the abusive relationship, the fear-based decision making, the anxiety, my so called "marriage," my fake relationship with my father, getting sober, surviving breast cancer, my success, my education, my strength, my independence, my resilience. I would trade these things in for another story, if I could. Because I feel like a fraud anyway.
I forget sometimes that my father's family, could, with just a click of a button, find out the truth about me by clicking on the link on my brother's blog. My father doesn't know that I'm an alcoholic or that I am sober - there are 70 some posts of information that he doesn't know. When I think about my father, sad is the first word that comes to mind. The thing that bothered me the most about going home for my 30th birthday, was not the fact that my dad completely forgot it, but the fact that he doesn't know me. Sitting across from him at breakfast was like sitting across from a stranger. I think he likes to tell himself that we are okay, that we are successful and happy and functional people because that is the only thing that makes it bearable. My father has to believe that we are okay because it would devastate him to think otherwise.
So I lie to my father because I don't want him to feel bad. I lie to most everyone else because I don't want to feel bad, or ashamed. People always say that we (AA people) lie when it is just as easy to tell the truth. Sometimes, it is easier to lie.
The top things I miss about having no hair
This does not mean that I miss these things so much that I would ever want all of my hair to fall out again - however, having no hair has its advantages. Remember - there is an upside to everything. (Did I just write that? The next time I call you to tell you how miserable I am and how much my life sucks - do not remind me that I said that). I can also say that having your hair fall out is not the worst thing, and far less traumatic than most women going through cancer treatment imagine it to be before it happens.
These are in no particular order.
1. I didn't have to shower every day. Sounds gross maybe, but it's true. The main reason I shower every day is because of all of the hair product I put in my hair. No hair = no hair product = no need to shower.
2. I didn't waste $150 every 7 weeks at the hair salon, coloring and cutting my hair, and restocking on hair products. Now granted I have decided not to color my hair this time around - but still. Note also that just because I wasn't spending the money on my hair, I must have spent it somewhere!
3. When you take a nap - you don't wake up with really stupid hair - which you then have to put water on to try to get it to lay back in the right place - and it just doesn't look right the rest of the day.
4. I could get out the door in 5 minutes. A little deodorant, a little face powder and a wig. The time I saved getting ready for work is very significant.
5. You only have to wash and style your hair once per every twenty days.
6. You can change your hair style or color any time you want. One day I had no highlights, the next day I had blond ones, then none, then blond, then none.
7. You never have a bad hair day. Your hair looks exactly the same for twenty days. (Unless of course you style it badly when you wash and style it).
8. You don't shed so you don't have hair stuck all over your clothes on your back.
9. No hair clogging the drain. I have pulled some pretty interesting things out of the drain before (so you also save on Drano).
10. I didn't have to stand in front of the mirror for twenty minutes meticulously sculpting chunks of hair into the proper location with "paste", spraying, curling, twisting, re-wetting, re-positioning, two hair dryers...only to have a guy run his hands through my hair and f*&! it all up!
Honestly, I'd rather have hair and have to stand there and mess with it - but I do sometimes miss the ability to roll out of bed and go.
These are in no particular order.
1. I didn't have to shower every day. Sounds gross maybe, but it's true. The main reason I shower every day is because of all of the hair product I put in my hair. No hair = no hair product = no need to shower.
2. I didn't waste $150 every 7 weeks at the hair salon, coloring and cutting my hair, and restocking on hair products. Now granted I have decided not to color my hair this time around - but still. Note also that just because I wasn't spending the money on my hair, I must have spent it somewhere!
3. When you take a nap - you don't wake up with really stupid hair - which you then have to put water on to try to get it to lay back in the right place - and it just doesn't look right the rest of the day.
4. I could get out the door in 5 minutes. A little deodorant, a little face powder and a wig. The time I saved getting ready for work is very significant.
5. You only have to wash and style your hair once per every twenty days.
6. You can change your hair style or color any time you want. One day I had no highlights, the next day I had blond ones, then none, then blond, then none.
7. You never have a bad hair day. Your hair looks exactly the same for twenty days. (Unless of course you style it badly when you wash and style it).
8. You don't shed so you don't have hair stuck all over your clothes on your back.
9. No hair clogging the drain. I have pulled some pretty interesting things out of the drain before (so you also save on Drano).
10. I didn't have to stand in front of the mirror for twenty minutes meticulously sculpting chunks of hair into the proper location with "paste", spraying, curling, twisting, re-wetting, re-positioning, two hair dryers...only to have a guy run his hands through my hair and f*&! it all up!
Honestly, I'd rather have hair and have to stand there and mess with it - but I do sometimes miss the ability to roll out of bed and go.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
We admitted we were powerless over frosting, and that our lives had become unmanageable
So there is this bakery in Chicago that makes literally the best baked goods I have ever had. Old fashioned and novelty baked goods - the best cakes, and by far, without a doubt, the best frosting I've ever tasted. My cousin is experiencing the greatness of this bakery as we speak. She is licking the vanilla butter cream frosting out from the edges of two large chocolate chip cookies. She keeps putting the cookie away and then getting it back out every ten minutes. Actually - she is alternating between the cookie and an orange cream sickle cupcake. She sits back down on the couch and tells me that in between bites, she is contemplating which baked good to lick the frosting off of next. Sadly, she is not even hungry, and keeps questioning whether she might actually enjoy this experience more if she could just get herself to wait until a little bit later.
No one believes me when I tell them how amazing this place is - until they actually experience it. What could possibly be so amazing about this frosting? Truthfully, I can't even explain it. Let's just say - we have been there twice today. We went back so that my cousin could get some treats for her family - though she just told me that she might not make it home with any of them still intact. For a brief period I was driving out of my way to go past this bakery every single day - I had to cut myself off. This was true unmanageability. Much like admitting complete defeat and utter powerlessness, I had to work step one around frosting (as you know, I have also worked step one around chai tea lattes and email). It is literally impossible to have just a little bit of anything from this place. The compulsion for more kicks in - as my cousin can attest to. She is spinning in circles right now between the kitchen and the bathroom - trying to decide whether to get in the tub - or take another lick first.
Eating these baked goods requires endurance. It is literally impossible to eat an entire dessert - yet at the same time, it is literally impossible not to. So inevitably - you put it away, get it back out, put it away, get it back out and so on and so on - until an hour or so later, you have finally finished one. You feel sick - but it's so worth it. My favorite treat is two chocolate chip cookies, with a giant blob of vanilla butter cream frosting in between. We brought them home this afternoon and decided to wrap them up and save them for later...we took a bite...wrapped them in saran wrap and then wrapped them back up in the paper bag. My cousin, in all seriousness - out of real concern for the fate of her cookie turns to me and says, "is the kitty going to get it?" (I laugh at her) She says, "I only had two bites - I'll be upset if the cat eats it." As if my cat has the ability to open up bags and remove saran wrap!!!!!!!
My cousin though, for the first time, actually gets what I am talking about when I talk about the compulsion to drink or the mental obsession. She is experiencing this very same thing as we speak - about frosting.
No one believes me when I tell them how amazing this place is - until they actually experience it. What could possibly be so amazing about this frosting? Truthfully, I can't even explain it. Let's just say - we have been there twice today. We went back so that my cousin could get some treats for her family - though she just told me that she might not make it home with any of them still intact. For a brief period I was driving out of my way to go past this bakery every single day - I had to cut myself off. This was true unmanageability. Much like admitting complete defeat and utter powerlessness, I had to work step one around frosting (as you know, I have also worked step one around chai tea lattes and email). It is literally impossible to have just a little bit of anything from this place. The compulsion for more kicks in - as my cousin can attest to. She is spinning in circles right now between the kitchen and the bathroom - trying to decide whether to get in the tub - or take another lick first.
Eating these baked goods requires endurance. It is literally impossible to eat an entire dessert - yet at the same time, it is literally impossible not to. So inevitably - you put it away, get it back out, put it away, get it back out and so on and so on - until an hour or so later, you have finally finished one. You feel sick - but it's so worth it. My favorite treat is two chocolate chip cookies, with a giant blob of vanilla butter cream frosting in between. We brought them home this afternoon and decided to wrap them up and save them for later...we took a bite...wrapped them in saran wrap and then wrapped them back up in the paper bag. My cousin, in all seriousness - out of real concern for the fate of her cookie turns to me and says, "is the kitty going to get it?" (I laugh at her) She says, "I only had two bites - I'll be upset if the cat eats it." As if my cat has the ability to open up bags and remove saran wrap!!!!!!!
My cousin though, for the first time, actually gets what I am talking about when I talk about the compulsion to drink or the mental obsession. She is experiencing this very same thing as we speak - about frosting.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Not as crazy as you think you are
I had a psych consult yesterday when I went to talk to a psychologist. This was interesting. I've never had one before. I left there thinking - wow - you aren't as crazy as you think you are. Maybe you should start walking around acting as if you are normal, and you will be more normal. Turns out that I have suffered periods of depression in the past (duh), have bipolar type mood swings, but don't qualify as bipolar (duh), but I do qualify for generalized anxiety disorder (duh again), obsessive-compulsive disorder (yup), and have been labeled as having a mild eating disorder. I would say this last one is a news flash - but I posted pretty openly on this blog about my bad body image and self esteem and all about how the OCD is tied to food and controlling anxiety by what I eat and don't eat - so it would be hard to claim that I didn't know this, although it shocked me that it could be labeled eating disorder. I would rather just say my relationship to food is a bit abnormal.
Anyway, the point of this was to figure out if I should try taking an anti-anxiety drug. Cause as I have said, it is almost unbearable sometimes and the way I feel sometimes is intolerable, the mood swings etc. Particularly the anxiety around getting cancer and dying. Most interesting was that the doctor said that he would specifically treat the generalized anxiety, which would in turn help the periods of depression (same drugs obviously) - and possibly the OCD, but it is less likely to help this. Apparently, OCD only responds to high levels of drugs and because it does not affect my ability to function - he would not recommend treating it. This is probably more of a behavioral coping mechanism than a biological problem - and I would tend to agree because I have learned through various behavioral techniques to control it. We were a little bit torn over knowing whether all of this is biological or learned behavior and coping techniques. Probably both I guess. Anyway, for that reason, he recommended taking something short term while talking to the psychologist.
The jury is kind of still out on this. Alternatively, I've been told I am just being stubborn and defiant. On the topic of whether OCD affects my ability to function and live - well - it appears not - simply because I am not late because of it and don't miss things because of it - like flights and meetings etc. But why don't you try to get out the door in the morning, having to check the iron, the blind cords, the toaster, the toaster again, one more time, the stove, the computer plug - and tell me that it isn't affecting your ability to live. Thing is - the best way to solve this problem - is simply to change my behavior. This is quite possibly the only way to solve this problem. Which means I am already doing what I can to cope with it and have for years. But in changing my behavior, I need another way to alleviate the anxiety. Why do I unplug the toaster? Cause I don't know what else to do. The doctor said that it is really rather remarkable that I have been so successful and so high functioning, given the OCD that I describe. Since I was a pretty little kid, I had learned to talk myself out of it - much the same way that you would learn in cognitive behavioral type therapy, i.e. try not unplugging the toaster and see what happens - eventually the way you feel about this will change. Rationally I know that I can leave the lamp plugged in when I go out of town, cause I leave it plugged in when I am in town, for months at a time. But nothing about this rational.
Anyway, the point of this was to figure out if I should try taking an anti-anxiety drug. Cause as I have said, it is almost unbearable sometimes and the way I feel sometimes is intolerable, the mood swings etc. Particularly the anxiety around getting cancer and dying. Most interesting was that the doctor said that he would specifically treat the generalized anxiety, which would in turn help the periods of depression (same drugs obviously) - and possibly the OCD, but it is less likely to help this. Apparently, OCD only responds to high levels of drugs and because it does not affect my ability to function - he would not recommend treating it. This is probably more of a behavioral coping mechanism than a biological problem - and I would tend to agree because I have learned through various behavioral techniques to control it. We were a little bit torn over knowing whether all of this is biological or learned behavior and coping techniques. Probably both I guess. Anyway, for that reason, he recommended taking something short term while talking to the psychologist.
The jury is kind of still out on this. Alternatively, I've been told I am just being stubborn and defiant. On the topic of whether OCD affects my ability to function and live - well - it appears not - simply because I am not late because of it and don't miss things because of it - like flights and meetings etc. But why don't you try to get out the door in the morning, having to check the iron, the blind cords, the toaster, the toaster again, one more time, the stove, the computer plug - and tell me that it isn't affecting your ability to live. Thing is - the best way to solve this problem - is simply to change my behavior. This is quite possibly the only way to solve this problem. Which means I am already doing what I can to cope with it and have for years. But in changing my behavior, I need another way to alleviate the anxiety. Why do I unplug the toaster? Cause I don't know what else to do. The doctor said that it is really rather remarkable that I have been so successful and so high functioning, given the OCD that I describe. Since I was a pretty little kid, I had learned to talk myself out of it - much the same way that you would learn in cognitive behavioral type therapy, i.e. try not unplugging the toaster and see what happens - eventually the way you feel about this will change. Rationally I know that I can leave the lamp plugged in when I go out of town, cause I leave it plugged in when I am in town, for months at a time. But nothing about this rational.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Not over here, not over there, but somewhere in the middle
I am trying to exist "in the middle." I've been trying for five minutes now. What's "in the middle?" You know, just the middle. The middle of "it." Whatever "it" is. I had an interesting conversation with a friend tonight - quite helpful actually. We talked about a lot. It reminded me of my tendency, or shall we say, ingrained, habitual and compulsive way of operating only in the extremes of life. There is no middle, usually, only one end or the other, and there is no color - there isn't even varying shades of gray. Only black, and white. I am a very black and white thinker - a very alcoholic way of thinking/living. I find it a bit difficult to admit this. You know the alcoholic joke - what does an alcoholic bring to a second date? A moving van. Ha ha ha.
Anyway, I have said before that I have no varying degrees of emotion - I am on or off. I am flat, emotionless, unaffected. Or - I am the opposite extreme - so sad I think it is going to kill me. I am no where in the middle, ever. Except now, right now, I am in the middle. Happily existing in the middle. Not stressed about the time, the fact that I worked too late, stayed up too late, work fell apart today, my weekend plans are messed up, I am unprepared to go visit my brother in Germany, anxiety is crushing me, my sobriety feels in danger, I have no boundaries. This is all okay because I am sitting in the middle. And when you are in the middle, apparently, you don't worry about how these things work out. I think I have some gray here in the middle. Things look slightly more possible, slightly.
My friend was telling me how freeing it was to let go of expectations - to let go of the plan, go with the flow and be open to the outcome. I should know this - and should be experiencing it - I am after all sober and in AA - and this is a common theme. She isn't in AA - and she seems to be getting this. She actually said that letting go of these outcomes, and existing in the middle, in the realm of possibilities, where things aren't so all or nothing, alleviated a lot of her anxiety. By letting go of the expectations, you let of the constant feeling of failure. Interesting. I know this. But for the most part, it is a theory. Cause I cling to my expectations and berate myself regularly for the fact that my life has not turned out the way I had planned.
I am a planner. I like to have a plan. Career by 22, married by 25, children by 28/30, career keeps moving. I guess that was the plan. I have the career down, but I am 30, sober, a breast cancer survivor, childless, divorced, hmm, hopefully fertile, and, a failure by my account. Things are or they aren't. They need to be a certain way for me to be comfortable. If ever I am to be happy though, or free - I need to live in the middle.
In the middle here where I am sitting, for the moment, anything is possible. I don't know how things will turn out, and when I am in the middle, I don't really care. However it turns out will be just right. The odds are good that nothing will happen according to the plan, in fact, the plan has gone out the window. And here in the middle, nothing is good or bad, it just is what it is. I believe, because AA tells me to, that whatever my higher power has in store for me is more amazing than anything I could have imagined for myself. But I have to be open to it - and I am only open to it when I am here in the middle instead of on the opposite extremes of my life. When I wake up tomorrow, way way over there - so far over there that you can't hardly even see me - reign me back into the middle.
Anyway, I have said before that I have no varying degrees of emotion - I am on or off. I am flat, emotionless, unaffected. Or - I am the opposite extreme - so sad I think it is going to kill me. I am no where in the middle, ever. Except now, right now, I am in the middle. Happily existing in the middle. Not stressed about the time, the fact that I worked too late, stayed up too late, work fell apart today, my weekend plans are messed up, I am unprepared to go visit my brother in Germany, anxiety is crushing me, my sobriety feels in danger, I have no boundaries. This is all okay because I am sitting in the middle. And when you are in the middle, apparently, you don't worry about how these things work out. I think I have some gray here in the middle. Things look slightly more possible, slightly.
My friend was telling me how freeing it was to let go of expectations - to let go of the plan, go with the flow and be open to the outcome. I should know this - and should be experiencing it - I am after all sober and in AA - and this is a common theme. She isn't in AA - and she seems to be getting this. She actually said that letting go of these outcomes, and existing in the middle, in the realm of possibilities, where things aren't so all or nothing, alleviated a lot of her anxiety. By letting go of the expectations, you let of the constant feeling of failure. Interesting. I know this. But for the most part, it is a theory. Cause I cling to my expectations and berate myself regularly for the fact that my life has not turned out the way I had planned.
I am a planner. I like to have a plan. Career by 22, married by 25, children by 28/30, career keeps moving. I guess that was the plan. I have the career down, but I am 30, sober, a breast cancer survivor, childless, divorced, hmm, hopefully fertile, and, a failure by my account. Things are or they aren't. They need to be a certain way for me to be comfortable. If ever I am to be happy though, or free - I need to live in the middle.
In the middle here where I am sitting, for the moment, anything is possible. I don't know how things will turn out, and when I am in the middle, I don't really care. However it turns out will be just right. The odds are good that nothing will happen according to the plan, in fact, the plan has gone out the window. And here in the middle, nothing is good or bad, it just is what it is. I believe, because AA tells me to, that whatever my higher power has in store for me is more amazing than anything I could have imagined for myself. But I have to be open to it - and I am only open to it when I am here in the middle instead of on the opposite extremes of my life. When I wake up tomorrow, way way over there - so far over there that you can't hardly even see me - reign me back into the middle.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Uncomfortable Comfort, Among Other Things
So a friend of mine has suggested that perhaps I do not want to be okay. That perhaps I like to be miserable and unhappy and that maybe my hesitation in changing is that I won't know what to do if there isn't anything to do anything about. What would I actually do if everything were just fine? What would I do with the space in my brain? Why does it feel so uncomfortable when I am comfortable? Why do I not want to be comfortable?
I have always been too afraid to take any kind of anti-anxiety drug or anti-depressant - though it has been suggested to me several times. Currently my sponsor is on my case to see a therapist and take an anti-anxiety drug temporarily - to at least be open to it. The fear is that I will somehow not be myself if I take something like this. That I will feel differently, perceive the world differently, exist in it differently. Some would suggest that this is the point. But I am not sure I know how to be different in a world that looks different.
I am torn, because I am not sure I can keep going the way I have been going - meaning change is required to stay sober - and I think I am either not going to stay sober, or going to have to change. This roller coaster of emotion that I am on - the up and the down - interspersed with the anxiety - is becoming difficult to bear and I am starting to wish for a way out of it. It is not unlike a moment of surrendering - of giving up and saying fine, I'll do it your way - or at least a different way.
On an unrelated note, I have this situation in front of me that I desperately want to be a certain way - the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot. I want what I want and I want it now. But I can't have it - so my only choice is to look at it differently. And to try to tell myself that some things are a blessing in disguise. Acceptance etc.
I need to try something different this time. Do something different to get a different result. I read something today that really made me think about this - in one of the daily recovery readings I do - it said,"determining to risk the outcome resulting from a changed behavior or attitude will enhance our self-perceptions." I am willing to risk the outcome of this particular situation in order to try something different. I am willing to risk the outcome of this in order to eliminate the pain I am in. Maybe this applies to both situations, this and taking some kind of medication for anxiety. Maybe I am in enough pain to be willing to just see what would happen if....
Also - a good friend said something to me today that stuck with me all day - it was something that her sponsor said to her - she said, "I can't believe you think so little of yourself that you can't behave differently." It stopped me dead in my tracks for a second. The option is to change, or to change. Those are the only two options.
I have always been too afraid to take any kind of anti-anxiety drug or anti-depressant - though it has been suggested to me several times. Currently my sponsor is on my case to see a therapist and take an anti-anxiety drug temporarily - to at least be open to it. The fear is that I will somehow not be myself if I take something like this. That I will feel differently, perceive the world differently, exist in it differently. Some would suggest that this is the point. But I am not sure I know how to be different in a world that looks different.
I am torn, because I am not sure I can keep going the way I have been going - meaning change is required to stay sober - and I think I am either not going to stay sober, or going to have to change. This roller coaster of emotion that I am on - the up and the down - interspersed with the anxiety - is becoming difficult to bear and I am starting to wish for a way out of it. It is not unlike a moment of surrendering - of giving up and saying fine, I'll do it your way - or at least a different way.
On an unrelated note, I have this situation in front of me that I desperately want to be a certain way - the alcoholic is an extreme example of self will run riot. I want what I want and I want it now. But I can't have it - so my only choice is to look at it differently. And to try to tell myself that some things are a blessing in disguise. Acceptance etc.
I need to try something different this time. Do something different to get a different result. I read something today that really made me think about this - in one of the daily recovery readings I do - it said,"determining to risk the outcome resulting from a changed behavior or attitude will enhance our self-perceptions." I am willing to risk the outcome of this particular situation in order to try something different. I am willing to risk the outcome of this in order to eliminate the pain I am in. Maybe this applies to both situations, this and taking some kind of medication for anxiety. Maybe I am in enough pain to be willing to just see what would happen if....
Also - a good friend said something to me today that stuck with me all day - it was something that her sponsor said to her - she said, "I can't believe you think so little of yourself that you can't behave differently." It stopped me dead in my tracks for a second. The option is to change, or to change. Those are the only two options.
Friday, May 18, 2007
How Much is Your Time Worth?
My firm just did what I thought they wouldn't do (cause they told us they wouldn't) - effectively raised the billable hour requirement while at the same time saying that they didn't. I find this disappointing - but am I surprised? No. Not really. They can't keep raising our salaries without raising something else - and the only real two options are the billable hour requirement or the hourly rate, or some combination of both - which is what has probably happened. I wonder at what point we will have priced ourselves out of the market, and how many more pay increases the market can bear. I would suspect not that many - in the past six years - associate salaries have gone up literally tens of thousands of dollars across the board.
Consistent with New York - large Chicago law firms raised salaries, AGAIN, effectively January 1. They did this to stay "competitive." Unfortunately, what I don't think they realize is that in the slightly longer run of our careers - this probably means that more people will leave large law firms. People already leave large law firms because the hours are too much to bear over the course of a career. If they keep doing this, more of us will leave and we will burn out sooner. There is definitely a line over which the hours you work for the extra money you get is not worth it. I think my firm just drew that line right in front of me.
Our billable hour requirement remains the same - a tolerable 2000 (but don't get me wrong - this is not easy to achieve). This is consistent with the Chicago market - in fact, I consider this low for the Chicago market, which is one reason why I like my firm so much. However, now, if you want an "hours based bonus" of 5%, you have to hit 2100. What a clever way of saying, "we didn't raise the billable hour requirement." As if we are stupid. If you are crazy enough to work over 2200 hours, you can get an extra 5%. If you are a liar and you bill over 2300 (cause I personally think you have to be dishonest to achieve this), you get an additional 5%. So, if you are willing to work constantly, sleep in your office, and perhaps be slightly dishonest, you can get 15% for your hours. We are still eligible for the discretionary bonus at 2000 hours of 5% or 10% depending on your class year. So, your bonus can be anywhere from 5-25% basically. How many people do you think are even hitting 2000 hours? If I had to guess, I would say it is the minority. If we aren't even hitting 2000 now, why would we ever try to hit 2100?
What does all of this mean? Well, if you ask nearly any associate at my firm - they would all tell you that they would rather not even have the raise. We would all gladly give back 10,000 in exchange for a small piece of our lives back, yet management thinks that it cannot attract and retain us unless it keeps giving us more and more money. This is simply not true. What is most attractive to most of us is a nice work/life balance - something that I am having a hard time achieving at 2000 hours. Again - what does this mean? Well, knowing what I know now - which is knowing what my raise will be come January 1 of next year - I have no reason to bill anything over 2001. The unfortunate thing about this hour/salary/bonus balance, is that at some point, the bonus doesn't do its job anymore. At my salary, there is simply no real incentive to try to get more money. Would you work an extra 100 hours for an extra 5% of your salary? I won't.
Consistent with New York - large Chicago law firms raised salaries, AGAIN, effectively January 1. They did this to stay "competitive." Unfortunately, what I don't think they realize is that in the slightly longer run of our careers - this probably means that more people will leave large law firms. People already leave large law firms because the hours are too much to bear over the course of a career. If they keep doing this, more of us will leave and we will burn out sooner. There is definitely a line over which the hours you work for the extra money you get is not worth it. I think my firm just drew that line right in front of me.
Our billable hour requirement remains the same - a tolerable 2000 (but don't get me wrong - this is not easy to achieve). This is consistent with the Chicago market - in fact, I consider this low for the Chicago market, which is one reason why I like my firm so much. However, now, if you want an "hours based bonus" of 5%, you have to hit 2100. What a clever way of saying, "we didn't raise the billable hour requirement." As if we are stupid. If you are crazy enough to work over 2200 hours, you can get an extra 5%. If you are a liar and you bill over 2300 (cause I personally think you have to be dishonest to achieve this), you get an additional 5%. So, if you are willing to work constantly, sleep in your office, and perhaps be slightly dishonest, you can get 15% for your hours. We are still eligible for the discretionary bonus at 2000 hours of 5% or 10% depending on your class year. So, your bonus can be anywhere from 5-25% basically. How many people do you think are even hitting 2000 hours? If I had to guess, I would say it is the minority. If we aren't even hitting 2000 now, why would we ever try to hit 2100?
What does all of this mean? Well, if you ask nearly any associate at my firm - they would all tell you that they would rather not even have the raise. We would all gladly give back 10,000 in exchange for a small piece of our lives back, yet management thinks that it cannot attract and retain us unless it keeps giving us more and more money. This is simply not true. What is most attractive to most of us is a nice work/life balance - something that I am having a hard time achieving at 2000 hours. Again - what does this mean? Well, knowing what I know now - which is knowing what my raise will be come January 1 of next year - I have no reason to bill anything over 2001. The unfortunate thing about this hour/salary/bonus balance, is that at some point, the bonus doesn't do its job anymore. At my salary, there is simply no real incentive to try to get more money. Would you work an extra 100 hours for an extra 5% of your salary? I won't.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
The Day in Between
Today is the day in between. The day in between the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year, and my 30th birthday. It is the day after everything changed. The day after nothing made sense anymore. The day after I and my life would never be the same. It is the day I didn't kill myself, even though I had planned to.
It is the day, every year, that I question everything and accept nothing. The day that I wonder how I got here, right here, to this moment and I am always amazed, no matter where I find myself. It is the day that I recount the ways I wish my life were different and that I analyze the ways that my life does not meet my expectations. But unlike other years, I will not forget that I am grateful.
The gratitude though is colored with what I can only describe as doubt and a feeling of unworthiness. That I, of all people, for whom God has performed multiple miracles, did not deserve it.
There is this woman - and I don't know her, but a friend told me about her. We share the same name. She is 35 and dying of cancer. She has a family and small children. I pray for her. This morning I thought, why, God, would you take her away from so many people who love her, when I have no one to leave behind?
And though I can't say I know exactly what it would be like to go through what she is going through, to die, as I sit here, living, I feel for her a pain that is almost intolerable. It is ripping my heart out. I have tried to imagine it - in order to prepare myself for the slim, though very real possibility that I may one day be sitting where she is sitting. And today, right now, I think I know what that would feel like. It is indescribable.
When I pray for her - I pray for the things that I pray for myself. For God's will above all other things and that she can go on, unafraid - that she has peace, that her children can find some way to understand what there is simply no explanation for, and that she has the strength that I have. Mostly I pray that she is not afraid, because I would be terrified.
If you are reading this, and you know me - so you know my name, please pray for her. I do believe in miracles.
It is the day, every year, that I question everything and accept nothing. The day that I wonder how I got here, right here, to this moment and I am always amazed, no matter where I find myself. It is the day that I recount the ways I wish my life were different and that I analyze the ways that my life does not meet my expectations. But unlike other years, I will not forget that I am grateful.
The gratitude though is colored with what I can only describe as doubt and a feeling of unworthiness. That I, of all people, for whom God has performed multiple miracles, did not deserve it.
There is this woman - and I don't know her, but a friend told me about her. We share the same name. She is 35 and dying of cancer. She has a family and small children. I pray for her. This morning I thought, why, God, would you take her away from so many people who love her, when I have no one to leave behind?
And though I can't say I know exactly what it would be like to go through what she is going through, to die, as I sit here, living, I feel for her a pain that is almost intolerable. It is ripping my heart out. I have tried to imagine it - in order to prepare myself for the slim, though very real possibility that I may one day be sitting where she is sitting. And today, right now, I think I know what that would feel like. It is indescribable.
When I pray for her - I pray for the things that I pray for myself. For God's will above all other things and that she can go on, unafraid - that she has peace, that her children can find some way to understand what there is simply no explanation for, and that she has the strength that I have. Mostly I pray that she is not afraid, because I would be terrified.
If you are reading this, and you know me - so you know my name, please pray for her. I do believe in miracles.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Did You Say 7-3-4?
So for some reason, although I live in Illinois and have lived here for over a year - I haven't wanted to fully commit to it - meaning, I haven't wanted to give up my Michigan residency, driver's license etc. In fact, up until a week ago - I was still buying cat food in Ann Arbor. My cat has to eat prescription cat food, which requires a vet visit each year, and until he was due to go last week, I just bought cat food whenever I went to Ann Arbor.
I've been driving around with my Michigan license plate and driver's license and am even still registered to vote there. I also have kept my Ann Arbor area code. Tomorrow I will go and relinquish my Michigan driver's license, and change my license plates. I have to, because my plate is about to expire on Thursday, and since I don't live in Michigan, I can't exactly renew it there and just keep pretending I live on Columbus Drive. Did you know that in Illinois, to get a driver's license, you need every kind of id on the planet? A driver's license from another state, your birth certificate, passport, social security card, a piece of mail proving your address...
I've never moved before and felt like it was permanent. I did a lot of moving within my home town and some temporary moving back and forth to Chicago, but I've never moved with the intention of staying anywhere. I've always wanted to keep that last connection to my hometown and I've always wanted to feel like wherever I was, it was temporary. But this is it I guess - I won't be going back there to live, probably ever. I am going to retain my Ann Arbor area code though. I am pretty attached to this phone number - I've had it for a while, and people all over the place in AA both here and there have it. I guess it's about time to commit to living here, and maybe to sticking around for a while.
I've been driving around with my Michigan license plate and driver's license and am even still registered to vote there. I also have kept my Ann Arbor area code. Tomorrow I will go and relinquish my Michigan driver's license, and change my license plates. I have to, because my plate is about to expire on Thursday, and since I don't live in Michigan, I can't exactly renew it there and just keep pretending I live on Columbus Drive. Did you know that in Illinois, to get a driver's license, you need every kind of id on the planet? A driver's license from another state, your birth certificate, passport, social security card, a piece of mail proving your address...
I've never moved before and felt like it was permanent. I did a lot of moving within my home town and some temporary moving back and forth to Chicago, but I've never moved with the intention of staying anywhere. I've always wanted to keep that last connection to my hometown and I've always wanted to feel like wherever I was, it was temporary. But this is it I guess - I won't be going back there to live, probably ever. I am going to retain my Ann Arbor area code though. I am pretty attached to this phone number - I've had it for a while, and people all over the place in AA both here and there have it. I guess it's about time to commit to living here, and maybe to sticking around for a while.
Bad Kitty
My cat has behavioral problems and it is costing me sleep. Frankly, I have probably trained him to be this way - unfortunately, my vet thinks he may be hard to "untrain" at this point. She also doesn't believe, as most vets would agree, that he is capable of retaliatory peeing. Now, he doesn't do this regularly - not for a long time actually - but he has peed on my floor. Actually - once he peed on Ryan's shoe, and I thought this to be a very carefully and well planned out act of retaliation. Interesting that I have had no problem with him peeing since Ryan and his cat left. My vet just doesn't believe that he is capable of carrying on a sophisticated enough thought process to plan to hold his pee until I get home from a weekend away, and then purposely peeing right in front of me just to piss me off. If you knew my cat - you might disagree with her.
My cat is persistent - that's how I describe him. He gets whatever he wants (like me), which is probably how I trained him to be this way. I can't figure out though why he wakes me up so damn early in the morning. At 5:45 I have a kitty, sitting next to my head, whacking me on the forehead with his paw. Sometimes he bites me actually and he once cut my scalp open when he landed on my head in a flying leap off of the dresser and with all four paws wrapped around my head, attacked me. He doesn't get canned cat food in the morning anymore, and I leave the water in the extra bathroom running at all times (because he will only drink running water). I think he just wants me to pet him because sometimes if I do pet him, he goes away. He is better and worse at various times - but lately, it has been horrible. I sleep with a squirt bottle next to my head, which doesn't work at all, and I have even tried the remote vacuum cleaner starter at the suggestion of my cousin's cat behaviorist. That didn't work either and the neighbors probably didn't appreciate it at 3 a.m.
I just can't take this anymore. I don't get any sleep and it's because of a cat. So, at 5:15 this morning, when he decided to sit on my chest and chew through the strap on my tank top, I locked him in my extra bathroom. This is only a so so solution because he has amazing endurance when it comes to "pawing" the door. He can do this for like 3 hours. I always turn the light on for him cause it's dark in there - maybe the dark would make him sleep. Who knows. I have to sleep with a pillow over my head to drown out the noise - maybe I'll try the fan instead.
Anyway, so I did manage to fall back asleep this time (rare for me), only to dream that I was being woken up by my cat!!!!!!!!! In this dream, the cat was locked in the extra bathroom and this bathroom shared a wall with my bedroom. My mattress was low for some reason - platform bed maybe (which it isn't) and the heat vent in the bedroom was a shared vent with the bathroom - poor design if you ask me. The next thing I know - the cat has gotten into the heat vent from the bathroom and is whacking me on the head with his paw through the vent into the bedroom and meowing incessantly. Needless to say, this woke me up for real and I let the cat out of jail.
Help. I don't know what to do. My life is being destroyed by a cat.
My cat is persistent - that's how I describe him. He gets whatever he wants (like me), which is probably how I trained him to be this way. I can't figure out though why he wakes me up so damn early in the morning. At 5:45 I have a kitty, sitting next to my head, whacking me on the forehead with his paw. Sometimes he bites me actually and he once cut my scalp open when he landed on my head in a flying leap off of the dresser and with all four paws wrapped around my head, attacked me. He doesn't get canned cat food in the morning anymore, and I leave the water in the extra bathroom running at all times (because he will only drink running water). I think he just wants me to pet him because sometimes if I do pet him, he goes away. He is better and worse at various times - but lately, it has been horrible. I sleep with a squirt bottle next to my head, which doesn't work at all, and I have even tried the remote vacuum cleaner starter at the suggestion of my cousin's cat behaviorist. That didn't work either and the neighbors probably didn't appreciate it at 3 a.m.
I just can't take this anymore. I don't get any sleep and it's because of a cat. So, at 5:15 this morning, when he decided to sit on my chest and chew through the strap on my tank top, I locked him in my extra bathroom. This is only a so so solution because he has amazing endurance when it comes to "pawing" the door. He can do this for like 3 hours. I always turn the light on for him cause it's dark in there - maybe the dark would make him sleep. Who knows. I have to sleep with a pillow over my head to drown out the noise - maybe I'll try the fan instead.
Anyway, so I did manage to fall back asleep this time (rare for me), only to dream that I was being woken up by my cat!!!!!!!!! In this dream, the cat was locked in the extra bathroom and this bathroom shared a wall with my bedroom. My mattress was low for some reason - platform bed maybe (which it isn't) and the heat vent in the bedroom was a shared vent with the bathroom - poor design if you ask me. The next thing I know - the cat has gotten into the heat vent from the bathroom and is whacking me on the head with his paw through the vent into the bedroom and meowing incessantly. Needless to say, this woke me up for real and I let the cat out of jail.
Help. I don't know what to do. My life is being destroyed by a cat.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Delete You
I am trying to figure out how to delete you. Erase you. Obliterate you. Make you "unexist" in my world. The trouble is, I can't figure out what to do with you. What do I do with the things that are left behind - like the gratitude? It is a contradiction and one that I buckle under the weight of every time. Hundreds of conversations and thousands of words are gone. The proof of you - what is left isn't a hole, or a void, just a space, in the shape of you. A space, in the shape that our friendship occupied. It is perfectly empty. A perfectly shaped absence. My friendship is something that I take away from people. I just take it, eventually, usually only after someone painfully proves to me that they didn't really want it in the first place. There are lines that get crossed that you can never get back on the other side of. I just never know where to draw that line. It is movable, flexible, invisible, sometimes. You want my friendship, so I am taking it away from you. Simply because you want it and I don't know why. Sometimes it is an untangling, sometimes a severing. Trying to leave, only without you. My favorite way, is like slipping out of a room unnoticed. I like people to slip right out from underneath me and leave nothing behind. The stories have to be changed, but they are all a fabrication anyway. And you tell me not to, but I can't understand what you are saying to me because the reason why doesn't make any sense. No matter which way I look at it, the only thing that seems true is that you don't even deserve to know me. But I can't figure out how to delete you, so instead, I have replaced you.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
We admitted we were powerless over email, and that our lives had become unmanageable
Well folks, I'm addicted to my email. Hi, my name is XXXX and I am an alcoholic and an email addict. Ha ha ha. I feel like I've written this post at least once already.
It's funny, but I am serious. It's now crossed the line into problem territory. One might suggest that I find more things to do with my time, but I am pretty sure that isn't going to stop me. Part of the problem is at work, I sit in front of email all day - both my work and my personal email. Not only am I logged into my work and my gmail (therefore I am on google chat with a bunch of people), but I am also logged into MSN instant messenger (cause that's one way I communicate with the partner I work for), and I am also frequently, though not always, logged into Skype. The other part of the problem - my job really requires me to be on my work email all the time on week days at least (I even get emails from clients on weekends - though a smart person would advise never to respond on a weekend) - so the need to be checking work email constantly - hence I have the crackberry as people call it. The crackberry receives regular ole Internet and conveniently, not only can you log into gmail, you can log into google chat for crackberry - which I downloaded (among other things).
I think on the weekend, I suffer a bit of withdrawal from the constant connectedness.
So, today, as I am driving, and checking email - personal email, at a stop light - I thought - this is completely unmanageable. Not only because I am checking email while driving (though I was stopped) - but I just checked it - like a half hour ago. I literally feel compelled to check my email constantly. What am I waiting for? Truthfully, an email from the guy that isn't supposed to be talking to me - more on that in a second. The program would say, work the program around it. I know how silly this sounds. The program would tell me to get down on my knees and pray for God to relieve me of the obsession with my email. I then have to figure out what underlies the obsession (cause this is like any character defect - unless I can be free of what underlies it, I'll keep doing it). Well, that's easy - it's FEAR. Everything is always all about fear. I am checking my email out of fear - fear of what? That he didn't email me? That I am going to get an email that says he can't talk to me anymore?
Sadly (and fortunately), praying about this probably will work. And honestly - whether I am checking for an email from him or not - I check it constantly anyway - and I don't get all that much personal email so there is no reason for this. Now, what's the deal with the guy. Well, he can't have coffee with me - so instead we've been emailing each other. What happened to running the other direction? Nothing, I just decided to stay put and engage instead. Can we say - "doing the same thing and expecting a different result?" What happened to "please God, help me try something different?" I'm still praying for that. But now what? Now I'm scared that I am going to get hurt because one day, he's probably going to cut this email conversation off when his sponsor finds out or something goes wrong in his life or whatever. So - you know - better to get that secret email friendship ending communication instantly - rather than a few hours after he sends it, right? The quicker I get it, the less painful, or something.
In any event - it is more that I would feel disappointed, cause I am kind of interested in this guy. He's the only guy I've met in the program that I've really had any interest in so I don't really care what my sponsor says about it. Famous last words. So, please God relieve me of the compulsion to check my email. Please God relieve me of the compulsion to check my email. You guys must think I'm really weird.
It's funny, but I am serious. It's now crossed the line into problem territory. One might suggest that I find more things to do with my time, but I am pretty sure that isn't going to stop me. Part of the problem is at work, I sit in front of email all day - both my work and my personal email. Not only am I logged into my work and my gmail (therefore I am on google chat with a bunch of people), but I am also logged into MSN instant messenger (cause that's one way I communicate with the partner I work for), and I am also frequently, though not always, logged into Skype. The other part of the problem - my job really requires me to be on my work email all the time on week days at least (I even get emails from clients on weekends - though a smart person would advise never to respond on a weekend) - so the need to be checking work email constantly - hence I have the crackberry as people call it. The crackberry receives regular ole Internet and conveniently, not only can you log into gmail, you can log into google chat for crackberry - which I downloaded (among other things).
I think on the weekend, I suffer a bit of withdrawal from the constant connectedness.
So, today, as I am driving, and checking email - personal email, at a stop light - I thought - this is completely unmanageable. Not only because I am checking email while driving (though I was stopped) - but I just checked it - like a half hour ago. I literally feel compelled to check my email constantly. What am I waiting for? Truthfully, an email from the guy that isn't supposed to be talking to me - more on that in a second. The program would say, work the program around it. I know how silly this sounds. The program would tell me to get down on my knees and pray for God to relieve me of the obsession with my email. I then have to figure out what underlies the obsession (cause this is like any character defect - unless I can be free of what underlies it, I'll keep doing it). Well, that's easy - it's FEAR. Everything is always all about fear. I am checking my email out of fear - fear of what? That he didn't email me? That I am going to get an email that says he can't talk to me anymore?
Sadly (and fortunately), praying about this probably will work. And honestly - whether I am checking for an email from him or not - I check it constantly anyway - and I don't get all that much personal email so there is no reason for this. Now, what's the deal with the guy. Well, he can't have coffee with me - so instead we've been emailing each other. What happened to running the other direction? Nothing, I just decided to stay put and engage instead. Can we say - "doing the same thing and expecting a different result?" What happened to "please God, help me try something different?" I'm still praying for that. But now what? Now I'm scared that I am going to get hurt because one day, he's probably going to cut this email conversation off when his sponsor finds out or something goes wrong in his life or whatever. So - you know - better to get that secret email friendship ending communication instantly - rather than a few hours after he sends it, right? The quicker I get it, the less painful, or something.
In any event - it is more that I would feel disappointed, cause I am kind of interested in this guy. He's the only guy I've met in the program that I've really had any interest in so I don't really care what my sponsor says about it. Famous last words. So, please God relieve me of the compulsion to check my email. Please God relieve me of the compulsion to check my email. You guys must think I'm really weird.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
The Best Money Ever Spent
Well, I just got back from a manicure/pedicure - for the first time...can you even believe that I'm almost 30, and I've never gone and had my nails done? I've always just done them myself - which means I rarely do my fingernails, cause it just plain turns out bad. I guess I've never done this because I've just been too cheap to shell out the fifty bucks to have someone cut off all my cuticles and paint my nails really nice. I have to tell you - never again will I do my own nails, ever, not even my toe nails. I think this might be the best money I've ever spent. She did a really great job too on the french manicure. I have plans the weekend of my birthday with a friend to have another one - but I just couldn't wait - I had to try it - now I think I'm hooked. I can see why someone would just stop in for a polish change for fifteen bucks. I think I found my new favorite thing. Who knew my fingernails could look so nice. My feet could be softer. I need to do some in between scrubbing and lotioning I think. I'm a little behind on prepping my feet for sandal season.
The only thing disturbing about the whole process, was the two technicians sitting next to each other working on me and the girl next to me talking in a foreign language. I am pretty sure they were talking about how disgusting my feet are. It was also pretty gross to watch her chop off my cuticles - I mean, there was a lot of cuticle coming off...in any event, my nails look great and I can't wait for the next one. How fun, I found my new favorite thing! I also found a really nice vet today, so that was good. Anyway, my dry cleaner drives a Mercedes - I wonder if I am in the wrong profession.
Well, gotta go do some step work for my meeting with my sponsor. Post soon...
The only thing disturbing about the whole process, was the two technicians sitting next to each other working on me and the girl next to me talking in a foreign language. I am pretty sure they were talking about how disgusting my feet are. It was also pretty gross to watch her chop off my cuticles - I mean, there was a lot of cuticle coming off...in any event, my nails look great and I can't wait for the next one. How fun, I found my new favorite thing! I also found a really nice vet today, so that was good. Anyway, my dry cleaner drives a Mercedes - I wonder if I am in the wrong profession.
Well, gotta go do some step work for my meeting with my sponsor. Post soon...
Friday, May 04, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Becomming Entirely Ready
Step 6: Became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I notice a distinct difference between becomming entirely ready, and just wishing I were ready. Usually, I just wish I were ready, I think about being ready, I mentally try to be ready, I pray about it (when I start to get desperate) - yet I am still not ready. I think - for God's sake - can I please be done with this now? Nope - not ready. Sometimes I even think I am ready, only to find out that I'm not actually entirely ready. That's the difference, I have to be more than ready - I have to be entirely ready. The fact is, until I achieve the level of entirety, nothing happens. I just spin in circles doing the same stupid behaviors and kicking myself - feeling powerless to stop the behavior - thinking, this is painful, why am I still doing it?
An amazing thing happens when you become entirely ready though. It's like magic. I don't become ready over time. It isn't a slow unfolding of becomming ready, Tuesday I am more ready than Monday, and so on, eventually getting to entirely. It doesn't work that way - for me at least. I'm either not ready, or suddenly entirely ready - with no varying degrees of readiness. For two weeks I have been praying about something in particular, a specific character defect and behavior - please God help me WANT to be free of X situation (among other things) (and truthfully, part of me doesn't even want to be free of it - but the fact is, I need to be). Today, while walking down the street, in the beautiful sunshine, talking to God in my head, please God help me do something different, help me handle X situation differently, help me let go of my expectations about the way my life is supposed to be - poof, like magic, it was gone. Well, not my expectations unfortunately, those are still painfully in tact, but the behavior and my handling of it - my feelings about it, everything - lifted, much like people describe the compulsion to drink suddenly lifting. Relief. And when this happens, you feel like a new person, like anything is possible. If God can do that, if God can make me not act that way and make me not need that and make me not want that, then God can do anything.
That is what happens when you finally achieve entirety. It is like the moment in which you finally ahieve acceptance - in that split second, everything changes. I never understood it until it finally happened the first time. I just struggled and struggled and couldn't figure out why nothing was working, why I got no relief - only to eventually realize that the key word in the step is entirely. Half ready doesn't get rid of half of the character defect. Just like half measures avail us nothing - because half measures get us drunk.
The more evidence I have, the easier it gets, yet it always surprises me and there is always a quality of magic about it.
I notice a distinct difference between becomming entirely ready, and just wishing I were ready. Usually, I just wish I were ready, I think about being ready, I mentally try to be ready, I pray about it (when I start to get desperate) - yet I am still not ready. I think - for God's sake - can I please be done with this now? Nope - not ready. Sometimes I even think I am ready, only to find out that I'm not actually entirely ready. That's the difference, I have to be more than ready - I have to be entirely ready. The fact is, until I achieve the level of entirety, nothing happens. I just spin in circles doing the same stupid behaviors and kicking myself - feeling powerless to stop the behavior - thinking, this is painful, why am I still doing it?
An amazing thing happens when you become entirely ready though. It's like magic. I don't become ready over time. It isn't a slow unfolding of becomming ready, Tuesday I am more ready than Monday, and so on, eventually getting to entirely. It doesn't work that way - for me at least. I'm either not ready, or suddenly entirely ready - with no varying degrees of readiness. For two weeks I have been praying about something in particular, a specific character defect and behavior - please God help me WANT to be free of X situation (among other things) (and truthfully, part of me doesn't even want to be free of it - but the fact is, I need to be). Today, while walking down the street, in the beautiful sunshine, talking to God in my head, please God help me do something different, help me handle X situation differently, help me let go of my expectations about the way my life is supposed to be - poof, like magic, it was gone. Well, not my expectations unfortunately, those are still painfully in tact, but the behavior and my handling of it - my feelings about it, everything - lifted, much like people describe the compulsion to drink suddenly lifting. Relief. And when this happens, you feel like a new person, like anything is possible. If God can do that, if God can make me not act that way and make me not need that and make me not want that, then God can do anything.
That is what happens when you finally achieve entirety. It is like the moment in which you finally ahieve acceptance - in that split second, everything changes. I never understood it until it finally happened the first time. I just struggled and struggled and couldn't figure out why nothing was working, why I got no relief - only to eventually realize that the key word in the step is entirely. Half ready doesn't get rid of half of the character defect. Just like half measures avail us nothing - because half measures get us drunk.
The more evidence I have, the easier it gets, yet it always surprises me and there is always a quality of magic about it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)