2047.6

It's over.  The billable year is over.  Thank God.  I really needed it to end.  The sad part is, now the stress just starts all over at zero.  In any event, I made it over 2000 which is good on many levels.  And I took today off basically just because I could.  I've been meaning to post a lot of things lately and haven't had the energy to get it done (working until midnight all week), but I will post more later.

Did I really just do that?

I just sat on my couch for 10 hours and watched the second half of the final season of 24 straight on Netflix.  This might be evidence of just how little of a life I actually have.

Why am I awake?

I am cursed with an inability to sleep in and I hate it.  I get plenty of sleep because I go to bed by 10, but no matter what I do, I can't sleep past 6:30.  Today I woke up at 5:45.  It doesn't matter if I stay up late, or take extra sleep drugs in the middle of the night, I can't sleep in.

You might think it's a good thing because I have a nice long day.  I am up and ready to go, but what am I supposed to do with all this time I have?  Especially on the weekend when I have no plans but to do a whole lot of nothing.  The other thing is, I wake up quickly.  There is no hope of me going back to sleep.  The second I wake up I am wide awake.  It doesn't take take me a few minutes or even a half hour to fully wake up.  I fully wake up instantly.

Anyway, so here I am awake.  The only thing this is good for is when I am at my brother's in Vermont and his kids get up at the crack of dawn.  Otherwise, this sucks.

56.3

Our billable year ends on April 30th.  I need 56.3 more billable hours to hit our 2000 hour billable requirement.  Note that that means 2000 hours billed, not 2000 hours worked.  Hitting it guarantees me a bonus and guarantees me my raise.  I think I will probably hit it before I go to NY a week from this Friday.  Does that mean I get the last week of the month off?  Hmm, probably not.  My goal is always to hit 2001, except I will probably go over by about 30 hours.  The thing is, there is no incentive to bill anything more than 2001 because I don't get anything extra until I hit 2100, and the money isn't worth the time when you start talking 2100 hours.  So, about 2030 or so it will be.

On the moving to NY front, things are looking positive.  But I am trying not to think about it because it could still fall through.  So more on that later.

The ticking clock

The deadline was December 12, 2007.  I decided when I had breast cancer, that if I could still have children after taking chemo drugs, which was a big if, that I would make the decision to have them or not have them by myself (since I have no significant other) by my one year anniversary of finishing treatment.  That was then.  It's now April of 2011, and although I am nearly certain that I can have children if I want to, I am no closer to making that decision than I was a few years ago.

I get tired of hearing that I have time.  I get really tired of hearing that.  But you are so young everyone says.  The reality is, you are lucky to still be fertile after taking chemo drugs.  And if you are, they warn you not to wait.  They tell you to have children sooner rather than later because you won't be fertile as long as you would have been.  And for how long you may be fertile is basically a mystery.  They also tell you that after taking chemo drugs, you will go through menopause roughly ten years earlier than your mother.  That calculation is concerning because my mother went through menopause relatively young.

So where does that leave me?  I don't know.  The clock is ticking on making this decision.  Some days I really want to and feel more emotional about it.  Other days I feel really rational about it and think it's simply an impossibility for me to have children on my own.  I mean, I watch two people do it together and it seems impossible.  There are days when I decide not to and days when I think I might regret it.  There are days when I am certain that it just simply isn't meant to be since I don't have a man in my life.  Day after day I change my mind.  And I wonder whether the fact that I can't commit means I would be a terrible mother.  My mother told me once that when it came to having children, she could have simply taken it or left it.  That my father was the one who wanted us.

This is an impossible decision.  How does one make an impossible, life altering, possibly regrettable, undoable decision.