This Thanksgiving trip has been what I thought it would be. Pretty much exactly. It's been fun enough, it's been relaxing. The talk about wine and drinking wine, and the taste of wine and how wine is made and whether it's dry wine - that bothered me only a little, much less than I expected. It turned out to be pretty much a non-issue - the reason being that no one cares about it as much as I do - though that doesn't mean that I shouldn't go to a meeting. I haven't been to a meeting in a month. Yikes.
My AA anniversary is in 16 days. That has nothing to do with this post. Just saying, that day that is more important than my birthday - it's coming up. (It is also the anniversary of when I finished cancer treatment, but I was actually trying to forget that). Is that why I feel weird? People always say that it is normal to "get weird" around your anniversary. I don't know, this time around it sort of feels like just another day, just another year. It means nothing to anyone but me and why do I feel like crying? It is unrelated to my anniversary I think.
I am upstairs trying my hardest not to cry because at some point I need to go back downstairs. The thing that I feel that I can't put into words is simply a feeling of being in the wrong place with the wrong people. I feel out of place and like I don't belong. This is my family and I am acutely aware that I don't belong here. I don't have enough in common with these people. And my brother has his own family, their own rituals and traditions. I feel like I impose on them more than I should and they have always made me feel welcome but that doesn't make me feel like I belong.
Everyone is coupled and all I can think about are the ways my life didn't turn out the way I had planned and the things that I think have ruined it and the things that I have to live with that other people can't understand. Of course they never do - things never turn out the way you plan, but no one tells you that in time. No one bothers to tell you and it's just another thing you become painfully aware of. If I had known all along that it was all about adjusting your expectations, I might not have had any.
This was bound to catch up with me. I felt it coming last night.
I know, 95% of my posts are depressing. Sorry about that. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to start over.
1 comment:
I often feel out of place these days, even among friends. Though it's likely because I feel like everyone expects me to be happy now, sunshine and puppies and all, and I can't do that... and I don't want to explain that I am not...
I am sorry you are in this shitty place. Though I think your anniversary is a big deal. Really big deal.
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