Many years ago I wrote a letter to someone. It was a letter apologizing for the way I had treated someone, for the way I had ended a relationship. It was about the past. The time we spent. It was about the time we missed. So much time missed. I had all but forgotten the letter until he reminded me after all these years that he had kept it.
We talked for nearly an hour, dancing around what has always existed between us. A connection that has transcended both time and distance. Something I can't explain. After all these years, it remains the same. Leading me to wonder whether I didn't make a terrible mistake.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
In the clear with a celebratory cupcake
Although I won't feel comfortable until I make it through my next mammogram on July 19th, in theory I am in the clear.
It was 5 years ago today that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And though I normally wouldn't say this, because it has never felt like something to celebrate, it has always felt like the thing that ruined my birthday for all time (which is in two days), I think it is time to start celebrating. I have, well we think anyway, made it through the window. Supposedly you are pretty much in the clear after 5 years. If I have it again in July, well, um, let's not think about that. I'm just going to eat a celebratory cupcake for breakfast instead.
Friday, May 13, 2011
The unexpected consequence
It has been my experience in AA that whenever someone relapses and comes back to a meeting, they always tell the same story. I've heard it again and again. They always say I stopped praying and I stopped going to meetings. It's pretty simple really. I've never heard someone say I prayed every day and I went to a meeting and I drank anyway. I can't say it never happens that way, but in my experience, if you do those two things, you stay sober.
I have to tell on myself and admit, if it hasn't been obvious from other posts, that I don't really go to meetings anymore. And I don't pray either. I can tell you with pretty much certainty that I'm not going to drink. It is the furthest thing from my mind. But I would be fooling myself if I didn't realize that what I'm doing by not going is dangerous. In particular with all of the stress that has come into my life with moving to New York and starting over. There are consequences to not going to meetings besides drinking. You get a little crazy in the head. Your whole attitude and outlook shifts from the positive to the negative. You are suddenly ungrateful. You lose the peace and serenity that you worked so hard to gain. I know because I have experienced all of these things by not going to meetings.
It is true there are days, most days, when I feel completely fine without going to meetings, but recently I experienced what I can only describe as the way you feel in early sobriety. I felt such overwhelming stress and anxiety and it led to old feelings of desperation. Desperate not to feel what I was feeling. I went to a meeting in the hopes of getting some relief. There are only two ways I know of to get that kind of relief. You could drink yourself into not caring, or you could go to a meeting. There are three ways actually. You could pray for relief.
I always had really strong faith in a higher power. It was not difficult for me to get step 2. It was easy because I had always believed in something greater than myself. I just never had words for it until I had AA. Over the course of my first year of sobriety, I had been through so much - surviving breast cancer and all - my faith grew to be almost unshakable. People talk about having "God" stories or moments. I have those stories. Things that are simply unexplainable. My faith was very important to me and very important to my program. I prayed every day, twice a day, at least.
Although not going to meetings has not led to me drinking, I have experienced the other consequences from time to time - the crazy in the head and the lack of gratitude, among other things, like life just being plain difficult to tolerate. But I realized just the other day the real consequence of my not going to meetings. I have lost the very thing that meant the most to me. I lost my faith.
I have to tell on myself and admit, if it hasn't been obvious from other posts, that I don't really go to meetings anymore. And I don't pray either. I can tell you with pretty much certainty that I'm not going to drink. It is the furthest thing from my mind. But I would be fooling myself if I didn't realize that what I'm doing by not going is dangerous. In particular with all of the stress that has come into my life with moving to New York and starting over. There are consequences to not going to meetings besides drinking. You get a little crazy in the head. Your whole attitude and outlook shifts from the positive to the negative. You are suddenly ungrateful. You lose the peace and serenity that you worked so hard to gain. I know because I have experienced all of these things by not going to meetings.
It is true there are days, most days, when I feel completely fine without going to meetings, but recently I experienced what I can only describe as the way you feel in early sobriety. I felt such overwhelming stress and anxiety and it led to old feelings of desperation. Desperate not to feel what I was feeling. I went to a meeting in the hopes of getting some relief. There are only two ways I know of to get that kind of relief. You could drink yourself into not caring, or you could go to a meeting. There are three ways actually. You could pray for relief.
I always had really strong faith in a higher power. It was not difficult for me to get step 2. It was easy because I had always believed in something greater than myself. I just never had words for it until I had AA. Over the course of my first year of sobriety, I had been through so much - surviving breast cancer and all - my faith grew to be almost unshakable. People talk about having "God" stories or moments. I have those stories. Things that are simply unexplainable. My faith was very important to me and very important to my program. I prayed every day, twice a day, at least.
Although not going to meetings has not led to me drinking, I have experienced the other consequences from time to time - the crazy in the head and the lack of gratitude, among other things, like life just being plain difficult to tolerate. But I realized just the other day the real consequence of my not going to meetings. I have lost the very thing that meant the most to me. I lost my faith.
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Call it what you want
Some people I know, AA people in particular, might call what I am doing taking the geographic cure. You know what I mean. The grass is always greener, and when I get over there, to that place where the grass is greener, things are going to be different. As if by magic, I am going to wake up someone else. I will be happy. Life will be different in all of the ways that I used to think it sucked. I don't suffer from that illusion anymore. I've been there and I've tried it. Not so much with locations but with material things. So sure that if I just got the thing I wanted everything would be better. Only to find out when I got it that I either didn't want it after all or it didn't change anything. Of course it didn't.
The truth is, I have given this a lot of thought. I never knew when I came here to Chicago if I had the intention to stay forever or not. It was more like a stepping stone and a really great job which honestly I thought I would have moved on from by now. Well, to be really honest, my life looks nothing like I wanted it to or like I thought it would. But that's another post for another day. I have been thinking about moving for probably two years now. Wondering what the right time would be and where to go. I wanted to go to Michigan, though I always had some reservations about it. A lot of changes in management happened at work and suddenly they were intent on block telecommuting arrangements. Well, that's when I immediately started job searching. The trouble is, my area of law is so specialized that there isn't much out there. Fortunately, it is what I would call an up and coming position in companies.
One thing I have learned from AA, from watching people live their lives and make choices, is that it is possible to be happy anywhere. It is possible for you to make a life for yourself anywhere. It just takes the effort. It is like anything in life, you get out of it what you put into it. That's exactly what I have going on right now - not much. Unfortunately, I've never been able, despite actually trying, to get myself integrated into the program here. I don't have close friends in AA here. It's not like it was in Ann Arbor where someone calls you when you don't show up for the noon meeting to see if you are ok. I don't show up and no one notices. Luckily I have other forms of accountability through non-AA friends. Anyway, I've never been comfortable enough here to raise my hand at a meeting and talk, and that's a problem. Part of the problem with me and AA in Chicago is that Chicago is all about having breast cancer. I mean, I had been here about 6 weeks when I found out and my immediate reaction was to withdraw, to not tell anyone, to isolate myself. And even when it was over, and I had survived, I just couldn't get myself integrated into AA. That is something that needs to change. There are lots of things that need to change. It's just that I know it isn't going to happen by magic.
Anyway, I would be lying though if I didn't say that the grass looks a bit greener on the other side. I think that is only natural when you decide to make a move to a new location. Even if you know that you have to put the effort in, it still looks a little brighter. If it didn't, would you really be going? I do think I can make a life for myself there and be happy and content and integrate myself into AA. And I believe that my job will be better there as well. But I also know that it's all about the choices I make. I have to make it happen. I want a new start. I want a new beginning. I want another chance. I want a do over.
They approved my move to New York and I am going.
The truth is, I have given this a lot of thought. I never knew when I came here to Chicago if I had the intention to stay forever or not. It was more like a stepping stone and a really great job which honestly I thought I would have moved on from by now. Well, to be really honest, my life looks nothing like I wanted it to or like I thought it would. But that's another post for another day. I have been thinking about moving for probably two years now. Wondering what the right time would be and where to go. I wanted to go to Michigan, though I always had some reservations about it. A lot of changes in management happened at work and suddenly they were intent on block telecommuting arrangements. Well, that's when I immediately started job searching. The trouble is, my area of law is so specialized that there isn't much out there. Fortunately, it is what I would call an up and coming position in companies.
One thing I have learned from AA, from watching people live their lives and make choices, is that it is possible to be happy anywhere. It is possible for you to make a life for yourself anywhere. It just takes the effort. It is like anything in life, you get out of it what you put into it. That's exactly what I have going on right now - not much. Unfortunately, I've never been able, despite actually trying, to get myself integrated into the program here. I don't have close friends in AA here. It's not like it was in Ann Arbor where someone calls you when you don't show up for the noon meeting to see if you are ok. I don't show up and no one notices. Luckily I have other forms of accountability through non-AA friends. Anyway, I've never been comfortable enough here to raise my hand at a meeting and talk, and that's a problem. Part of the problem with me and AA in Chicago is that Chicago is all about having breast cancer. I mean, I had been here about 6 weeks when I found out and my immediate reaction was to withdraw, to not tell anyone, to isolate myself. And even when it was over, and I had survived, I just couldn't get myself integrated into AA. That is something that needs to change. There are lots of things that need to change. It's just that I know it isn't going to happen by magic.
Anyway, I would be lying though if I didn't say that the grass looks a bit greener on the other side. I think that is only natural when you decide to make a move to a new location. Even if you know that you have to put the effort in, it still looks a little brighter. If it didn't, would you really be going? I do think I can make a life for myself there and be happy and content and integrate myself into AA. And I believe that my job will be better there as well. But I also know that it's all about the choices I make. I have to make it happen. I want a new start. I want a new beginning. I want another chance. I want a do over.
They approved my move to New York and I am going.
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