Best Christmas ever

So I went to New York for Christmas to visit my very good friend Nina.  We had brunch with her brother and his family and we were talking about what our best Christmas ever was growing up.  I couldn't think of a single one.  One of the people at brunch seemed slightly shocked at this.  But what could I say, how could I explain that for me there is no such thing as a best Christmas ever.

Well, until now.  This year, is my best Christmas ever.

Christmas Day

I don't remember much about Christmas Day when we were kids.  I just remember that it went by quickly, too quickly.  I always thought as an adult that Christmas should really be more of a day than an hour.

Anyway, it's Christmas morning and I am ready to leave for the airport.  I am ready early because I have been up since 4.  I just couldn't sleep.  Whenever I travel I don't sleep well the night before.  I don't know if it's some kind of subconscious fear that the alarm won't go off, or just the general anxiety that traveling causes me.  Either way, I've been up and I'm ready to go, but my cab isn't  coming for another 25 minutes.

It's really windy here and we've had some rain, no snow though.  It's actually pretty warm.

Chicago feels so small compared to NY where I am headed.  I feel sort of overwhelmed.  Going to a place so huge and where I don't know my way around, sort of overwhelms me.

Of course I am having the debate with myself about whether or not to work while on this little "vacation."  That's a whole other issue because come January 4, I have a decision to make.  Bust my ass for 2000 hours, or accept that I am not going to hit 2000 and oh well for the people who want me to.  I guess I have the excuse that we have had slow spots in the past 12 months, but really I've been pretty consistently busy.

Anyway, okay I am going to finishing getting ready.

See you after Christmas.

Happy holidays.

Christmas Eve

I meant to post after my visit home that everything turned out fine.  All of the anxiety... for nothing really.  I got to see the people that I wanted to see and, well, even a few I didn't want to see.  But overall it was a nice trip home.  I wasn't done with Christmas shopping and I'm still not - so I guess I will be sending presents late this year.  I just wasn't into it for some reason.  Nothing feels Christmasy to me.

Although, I'm feeling a little bit of that Christmas Eve sadness, being that I am home completely alone.  It's not fair to say that I have no where to go because I am of course invited to my cousin's house on my dad's side of the family to celebrate Christmas Eve.  So I made a conscious choice not to go.  And I am confident that it was the right one.  It's just not where I want to be.  There is no where that I want to be really.

It just means that I am here alone on Christmas Eve and I would be alone tomorrow too except that I am going to New York city to visit a very good friend.  I'm sad though that I don't have what my brother has.  He is surrounded by my sister-in-laws really nice family for Christmas.  He has a place where he belongs.  I don't belong anywhere.

So today for Christmas Eve I went out shopping because I needed a different wallet for taking to NY because I want to be able to stick it in my inside coat pocket and not carry a purse around.  Also, I was going to buy the coffee pot, but they were out of it.  Drat.

Then I went to Costco and wandered around.  They had a version of the coffee pot but it wasn't the right one.

Then I came home and did a massive cleaning of the master bathroom and completely reorganized my extra bedroom closet so I would have more storage space.  I have an entire side of the close freed up.  Yay.  Now I need to reorg the pantry.

Then I played Monopoly on my iPod and lost, loaded my music on it.  And now I am posting.

Oh, and I started packing for tomorrow.

Happy holidays!

Happy 4 year anniversary to me!

Go me!

Maybe we will just call it...

Maybe we will justify the ipod by calling it a happy birthday to me present (for my anniversary which is tomorrow....)

Yet I left without the coffee pot

I went a little crazy yesterday and bought an ipod touch.  I am not sure how I justified that when I refuse to spend the money on the coffee pot.  I admit, it was an impulse purchase but I was going to get a new ipod anyway and my friend that I was shopping with convinced me that if I was going to get a new one anyway, I might as well get the touch.  So, I did.  But I still don't want to spend the money on the coffee pot.

So I decided to say what the hell

Despite the fact that coming here causes me terrible anxiety - I've decided to say what the hell and have a good time anyway.

What does that look like, um, well, spending a lot of money apparently is what that looked like today... more later...

175 miles to go...

It is 175 miles from the border of Indiana and Michigan to Ann Arbor.

Every time, every single time I come here, I set out with the idea that it's like the best idea ever.  Like I can't wait because it's been 6 months since I've been "home."  And every time I get here I want to turn right back around and drive back to Chicago.  I just can't wait to get home... and what... be filled with nearly uncontrollable anxiety.

What crazy part of me thinks that moving back here is actually a good idea.  I have this good friend and she is supposed to remind me every time I mention Michigan that I feel like shit every time I come here.  And every time she reminds me and every time I think it is going to be different.

And then it is just the same.  Every time.

Preparations

When I go out of town it is very much kind of an ordeal.  It's not like I just pack and go, it requires preparations.  I can't even really describe what I mean.  It just takes effort to get ready.  Like an OCD thing.

Tomorrow I am going to Michigan.  The place where I feel the most at home, since, well, it's my original home, but also the place that seems to cause me the greatest anxiety.

It is my anniversary weekend, with my anniversary being on Monday.  And I intend to celebrate it this year because even though it seems like a nothing anniversary, it is actually extremely unlikely that I would still be sober.

Anyway, so tomorrow I'm off and I will try to post from Michigan if I can find some free time.  My closest friends are there so my time fills up quickly.  See you from Michigan...

Oh how bad I want the coffee pot

I am sitting here selecting all the coffee flavors that I would buy if I only had the coffee pot.  I might wait until after Christmas and see if some store has a sale on the Elite.

I want this coffee pot

I want this coffee pot.  I am kind of obsessed in my head with having one... but this is where I am kind of messed up.  Because I want the coffee pot really badly, but I feel guilty buying it for myself.  I'll buy presents for all sorts of other people, I'll even spend thousands of dollars to go on a vacation, without feeling the least bit of guilt whatsoever - but a coffee pot for myself - no can do.  I even decided to make my New York trip over Christmas a mini-vacation instead of a cheap trip.  But the coffee pot, just seems a bit too pricey.

Never in my life have I had a pharmacy fuck up

Never in my life have I had a pharmacy fuck up a prescription.  It's just never happened.  And because it's never happened, I don't stand there at the pharmacy counter every time I pick up meds and force them to recount every single one of my prescriptions while I watch.

Well folks, that is exactly what I am going to do from now on.  I am going to force them to recount this prescription while I watch.  Every single fucking time I pick it up.

This new drug that I am on, they accidentally gave me 30 instead of 60 and I didn't realize it before leaving the pharmacy - because duh - why would I have.  And now that I have since realized it they won't fix it because of course I am lying and overdosing on it since, you know, they double count everything therefore I am clearly lying.  Of course I am.  It can't possibly be their fault.

And what pisses me off is that this was the pharmacy's mistake, yet I am quite sure he just thinks I am lying.  Because how could the pharmacy fuck up anything.

I doubt it happens very often but they fucked up.  A friend's theory is that a pharmacy technician actually stole it because it has street value.  Could be.

Now I am fucked because I am out of it - silly me thinking when my doctor called me in a new script for it - which she did - that they would fill it.  Well they refused to and now I can't get my doctor on the phone and she is out on Friday and so on.

Yes, I should have done something about this sooner.  I fully admit that.  But this was not my fault.

A mini vacation or a cheap trip?

I have no real plans for Christmas this year.  I'm not going home to visit family.  I usually feel sorry for myself because I have no where to go for Christmas and it's usually pretty depressing.  On some years my brother and sister-in-law are in Michigan and then I have somewhere to be.  But now that they are living in Vermont, I am not sure how often they will make the trip home, or whether there will be room for me to visit them around the holidays.  I am just not sure how things are going to turn out.  But it's possible that I could spend a lot of holidays alone going forward.

I shouldn't even really say that I have no where to go for Christmas because it isn't entirely the truth.  It is true that I have no where to spend Christmas day, but my dad's family gets together to celebrate Christmas Eve. The thing about it is, I don't enjoy it when I go, so why put myself though it.  Going feels like more of a chore, like an obligation, and all the way home is a long way to go for, well, basically nothing.  Besides, the people that I want to see, I can see when I go home next weekend for my anniversary.  This year I don't' feel bad about it.  I recognize that I am making a conscious choice to spend the holiday alone. It just doesn't make sense to go home for Christmas this year.

But instead I am taking a trip.  I am going to stay home Christmas Eve and then I am going to go to New York city on Christmas to visit a good friend.  I am going to go on Christmas and come home on the following Tuesday.  Now I am just trying to decide whether to stay in a nice hotel and make it like a mini nice vacation, or whether to make it a cheap trip. At this point I could go either way, the plane ticket is only $152 dollars.  I can't decide but right now I am leaning toward mini vacation.