"For it is by self-forgetting that one finds"

A lot of people have been on my case for sometime now that I should get involved with some kind of cancer support group. Frankly, I am sick of people telling me this because it is something I felt I would do only when I was ready to do it, and other people suggesting it constantly doesn't make me want to. I have hesitated to do this largely because I am trying to live my life out from under the weight of what happened to me. If I am participating in some kind of support group - that is supporting me, I honestly don't think it would help me. I am sick of it being constantly on my mind, constantly weaving it's way through every thought that I have and every decision that I make. It colors everything. It is nice to have people to relate to, sure, and I don't have a lot of people in my life who have been through what I have been through - only a few, but this simply isn't what I need.

I have realized through AA - that the best way that I can ever help myself is to help someone else. It is selfish in a way, but at the same time you perform great acts of service for other people. Sure, I go to meetings to hear what I need to hear, but more than anything, I go to give back what other people have given to me - because you have to give it away to keep, as they say. Sure, I want what I want. A new car, and more money, a man in my life, children - but those things are not the purpose of my life nor are they things that are going to make me happy. I know now, after facing my mortality and surviving cancer and getting sober, that the purpose of my life has nothing to do with me.

Although I don't like to admit it, the best I ever feel, and have ever felt in my life, is when I can show up for someone else and help another alcoholic. My sponsor keeps telling me that I need to get out of myself - that is the answer to my problems - to get out from under the self-centered fear that plagues me - and she is right, because it is by self-forgetting that one finds. I love that prayer - the prayer of St. Francis. "...that where there is hatred, I may bring love - that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness - that where there is discord, I may bring harmony - that where there is error, I may bring truth - that where there is doubt, I may bring faith - that where there is despair, I may bring hope...."

I know from my experience surviving breast cancer - that this works much like AA, meaning that there is tremendous power in relating to a person who has been where you are at, and having that person tell you that you can do it, and you will be okay - they show you that anything is possible. It is what we do every day in AA, one after another, as we save each others' lives. There was a time during everything that I went through, when that kind of support would have been invaluable and I didn't have it. Many people don't. I have been blessed with a strength that is not my own, and tremendous courage and resilience. There are people who need these things that I have and so I feel like I have to give it away, the same way I give away the gifts of AA. There is a non-profit based out of the city that I live in - which does just that. It pairs you up 1 to 1 - a survivor with someone who has just been diagnosed, and you are that person's support through the entire process. The organization was started by someone like me - who survived cancer very young and who, also like me, had very little support.

I think what he does is amazing and so important, and what I have to give because of the experience of surviving cancer, is as important as what I have to give because I am sober. In fact - I think I have even more to give because I have both of these things. So, rather than seek out support for myself, I have decided to volunteer my time to this organization to support other people and give them what I have, my experience strength and hope, just like I do in AA. "...grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted - to understand than to be understood - to love, than to be loved. For it is by self forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven...."

Return to, uh, "normal"

I went off of Lexapro. This little experiment was admittedly short lived - only 5 weeks long, but it was the right choice. Last week it was down hill fast - by Friday, I was well on my way to not caring if I lived anymore. I wouldn't say that I was suicidal, but I was headed in a very depressing direction. I've posted lately about feeling depressed, unmotivated, lethargic, apathetic, blah - well, unfortunately, this was attributable to the Lexapro. My psychiatrist was on vacation, the new one I am trying to see apparently wrote my phone number down wrong and couldn't call me back - so, rather than initiate a psychiatric emergency, I made the decision to stop myself. My brother thought I might need to taper off of it - as did my sponsor, since most people do or you can have flu like symptoms, but I of course decided to just quit - no tapering, and risk the side effects. I wanted it out of my body so bad that I literally couldn't stand the thought of taking even a couple more.

So, day three, no Lexapro, and guess what? No side effects. No nothing. I slept better, I can go to the bathroom again, thank God (yes, unfortunately, I am the queen of uncommon side effects - apparently Lexapro makes me unable to go to the bathroom, and every doctor I told this too just looked at me funny), and, I am happy to report, my motivation has returned. Could it be that this is already out of my system? Yesterday I felt great - went to two AA meetings, went shopping, did laundry, went to work, cleaned - I did more this weekend than I did the entire 5 weeks I was on that stuff. Tonight I left work at 7, made dinner, emptied and loaded the dishwasher, played the piano, soaked my feet, packed food for tomorrow - all in an hour and a half.

Is this a good thing or a bad thing? It's hard to say. Frankly, I feel just like I used to. This morning I was crying in my office, right now I feel fine. Tomorrow morning I will probably wake up feeling great and believing anything is possible, and by the time I go to bed tomorrow, I'll probably be devastated and crying on the closet floor. More than dreading the return of the anxiety I have lived with my whole life, I am dreading this return of my crazy and sort of unpredictable and very rapid mood fluctuations. Up and down and up and down. I do feel some amount of anxiety actually, but I only felt relief from that for about a week and a half on Lexapro and then slowly but surely it crept back in. I actually can't tell what my level of anxiety is at the moment. Is it better or worse - the same - I feel like this whole experience has confused me and I'm not sure anymore how to label it.

Even though I feel some amount of something - sadness, mixed with anxiety, a little fear, fear is always in there, no matter what else is going on - I feel like I have a better handle on all of this at the moment. I am not opposed to trying another drug, but for now I think I am going to sit tight and just let myself level out a bit and see just how level, or not so level normal actually is. I suspect it will be what it has always been, which is not very level. At any rate, I feel renewed motivation to figure out how to deal with this stuff - so at least that's a start. I know that I can't return to feeling the way I was feeling before I went on Lexapro, or at least I don't want to return to that - which means, something has to change. I have to change something.

The hurry up and wait phenomenon

The thing that irritates me the most about clients is the constant and false sense of urgency they all have. Everything is always an emergency - they needed the document yesterday, but they never call until the day after they think they needed it to tell you that. When they finally do call - it is after months of not hearing from them - just when you think the project is dead. This isn't one client, it is every single one of them and it never ceases to amaze me how they all call at once. This week was the perfect example of this hurry up and wait phenomenon. It's hard to take a client seriously when they say they really need something - but of course I do my best to meet whatever time lines they impose.

They story goes like this, every time: No word from the client for several months. Suddenly I get a meeting invite for a conference call on Monday. It's an emergency, things are moving fast and they need the documents as quickly as possible - by mid-week, can't I put aside whatever I'm working on to get this done? (This is impossible - this wasn't my project to begin with and I'm already busy full-time, I am not twiddling my thumbs with nothing to do here. I'm already billing 200 hours a month). The partner tells them they can have it Monday - maybe on Friday at close of business. This is my time that is being promised away - did I just lose my weekend to this? I shift things around, warn the partner I work for, don't do some stuff, stay late, draft the document - there is no way I am giving up my weekend to this. The partner sends it to the client on Friday at 5:30 p.m, (without reading it - I cringe every time my work product gets sent out without a partner reviewing it). The partner tells her he will read it over the weekend and provide additional comments and they can chat Monday.

The client emails back, "Thanks. I won't be able to look at until next Wednesday."

WHAT? Well, good thing I salvaged my weekend then, cause I would have been ticked if I spent the weekend on it only to find out that she couldn't have read it before next Wednesday anyway.

Then, just as I'm assessing how far behind I now am because this threw my whole week off track - I get an email from the partner I do work for asking me if I can do something by Monday. Of course!! Sure!! No problem, I say with a smile on my face. %$@%!^@%@, is what I say in my head.

The pathetic highlight of my average week

This week was a pretty average week I guess - at least at work - well all around I suppose, except for my crazy emotional problems I seem to be having. Then again, it isn't out of the ordinary for me to have emotional problems. I was busy at work, but not overly busy. There is a lot of stress around work load though - too much, not enough, too much, not enough, too much and for the wrong person. There tends to be a lot of politics around work load and I sometimes feel like certain of us are hatching plans behind the backs of others and trying to make things work out just so. It screams of self-will, but it isn't just me - it's me and the partner I work for (while I try not to work for others, covertly, yet also blatantly) - and who knows what others are hatching. I hear some are making long term plans to leave while others are trying to jump ship to another group while I intend to ride it out. It causes me a lot of stress. I find though, that during a week like this week, things do work out the less I worry about it. Now long term is another story. I don't deal well with uncertainty and unfortunately the plan we hatched a while ago has no immediate solution. The only option is to go along for the ride. So, that's a long way of saying, I had a boring, and busy, average week of the same old stuff at work.

My weekend may be just as average and boring - although some of my friends are going out tomorrow night and I might go with them. They are going to a charity party/dinner for a non-profit here in Chicago that helps cancer patients and cancer survivors. I'd like to go - but mostly I feel too uncomfortable with myself and too self-conscious to go talk to a bunch of people I don't know. I really thought my self-esteem had improved - I mean, for a while there I felt comfortable doing stuff like that and actually enjoyed myself when I did. I just don't feel comfortable anymore. I don't know what happened. It's like I am sliding back down the mountain (and it's definitely a mountain and not a hill), instead of continuing to climb up it. I guess I was hanging out with people more for a while and I have basically been isolating myself lately - so maybe that's why I feel so uncomfortable with myself. Not sure. But I do know that I'm never going to meet anyone if I don't start doing things like this where I am around people outside of AA. I spend so much time with other AA people though, sometimes I think I have forgotten what it's like to talk to and relate to other people, normal people.

On the mood front - I feel a bit whacky. I don't know exactly how to explain what happened but I just don't feel right. I really want off of the Lexapro. I guess it helped with the anxiety, at first - but truthfully, I feel extremely anxious again - almost worse because it is a different kind of anxiety and I'm just not used to it. I don't know what to do with it - I mean the toaster is already unplugged!! Ha ha - I just need a little levity here! I almost feel paranoid. I feel freaked out. I feel depressed and blah all the time, unmotivated, sad, lethargic, indifferent, like I don't care about anything. Before I might have had mood swings, and I might have been anxious etc., but I would rather feel those things than feel like this. I would rather feel up and down and up and down and worried and anxious, as opposed to completely hopeless which is what I feel now. I feel hopeless. I feel hopeless and I don't care. Not a good combination. I want off of this and I don't like my doctor so I need to find a new one.

Anyway, on to the highlight of my week. So I did a little laundry tonight, ate dinner, ordered Showtime so I can watch the series Weeds when it starts (though there seems to be a bit of trouble with the Tivo - it doesn't seem to be picking up the Showtime channels through the listing - I am trying to re-download the program lineup now). I proceeded to settle into the dent I am wearing into my couch to watch Dawson's Creek re-runs - and to my pleasant surprise, I discovered a whole block of episodes I've never seen. How is this possible!!!!!!!

Never say never, never say always

Something happened at work today that reminded me, or made me realize, again, that anything is possible. It wasn't bad per se - I didn't do anything, nothing was done to me. Something just happened and I did a little job searching, that's all. I'm not leaving, not any time soon, and I hope when it ever comes to that, that I will be in a position where they will want to retain me. I think I have a great long term opportunity there and I'm a big supporter of my firm - I have said many times that I will never leave there. Most of us would say that all big law firms suck - they just suck in different ways and some suck far less than others. I always say how great my firm is, as far as big firms go - but never say never, because you just don't know where life might take you. There are days when I think that I want what's in front of me and there are days when I don't think I want what's in front of me at all - it's just that it's so clearly within my grasp that I would consider myself a fool in some ways not to forge on ahead and get it. Nevertheless, for just a second today - I felt a bit of faith that whatever happens with my job and career future, it will all work out just right if I just sit back and let it happen - and for a moment, I even felt open to whatever that might look like, whatever form it might take, wherever it might take me - I don't have to run out of fear like I used to, I'll just go wherever it takes me and trust that it will be the right place at the right time. The point is not wherever I am going, cause honestly, I have no clue where that is, the point is right now, this moment, today, the journey and not the destination.

Now, if only I could achieve this degree of openness in the areas of my life that really bother me.

(Oh, and by the way, the answer to the million dollar question is 8 bicuspids!)

Just how stupid am I?

I better keep my day job. I flunked 4th grade world geography (did we learn world geography, ever?) and 5th grade health. I don't remember 5th grade health. I remember 6th grade health because they made us carry around those egg babies for two weeks, as if this was supposed to convince us not to have sex and accidentally get pregnant. I remember 10th grade health - Health and Human Behavior it was called. Two weeks of which was devoted to drivers ed. So - what part do you think I remember? Drivers ed., oh and my teacher putting a condom on a banana. You would think that for something as important as operating a piece of machinery that can kill other people and you, a little more time would be devoted to it. Hopefully this has changed in the past 15 years. Personally, I now also think that more time should be devoted to substance abuse and drunk driving. Just a thought.

Anyway, I should note that the 5th grade health question was the final, and 1 million dollar question. Only 2 5th graders got it right and the contestant choose not to play when he heard the topic. The host says that no one has ever made it to the final question and answered it right - so, I am not the only stupid one. Frankly, if I were 11, maybe I would remember this stuff - but now, almost 20 years later, I think it is safe to say that I have forgotten about 80% of everything I ever learned pre-law school. So the question was - how many bicuspids does the average adult mouth have? I honestly doubt we even would have learned this in health class. So - unfortunately, now I am going to have to watch this show again and see if I fair any better.

On a different note - since when do we conduct presidential debates via U-tube? I mean, come on people. Maybe they could figure out a way to have us vote for the next president via text message or a toll-free number - and then maybe more people would show up and vote in an election that actually matters in this country. Then again - you might just have a whole lot of stupid people voting. Oh wait, that's what happened the last time anyway.

Are you stupider than a 5th grader?

Apparently I am. I've never watched this show - Are You Smarter Than 5th Grader? My t.v. watching has really been declining in quality here. Can you tell? Dawson's Creek re-runs, this, America's Got Talent... I was rather pleased to leave work early tonight - 6:30, so that I could come home and eat dinner in my pajamas, but I am disappointed in the t.v. choices. Luckily - I have work to do yet. Ha ha.

Anyway, sadly, I got the 1st grade vocabulary question wrong (though I am so far good on 4th grade science, 2nd grade geography, among others). Don't hire me as your lawyer - apparently I don't know my words. Frankly though - this guy on the show is a complete fool. He doesn't know that an Alaskan malamute is not a fish. Give me a break. I hope he is feigning stupidity so that this 5th grader can feel smart. Not that I can talk - although I'm not sure that a 1st grader would know their boat parts. Most adults don't know their boat parts.

Also - I ruined one of my favorite pans today - now my whole house smells burnt. It was really an exercise in stupidity...because I was watching this damn program! Oh well - more later...

These days

These days all I feel when I think about going to work is dread - particularly on Sunday night. This isn't a feeling I'm really accustomed to - I mean, at least not at this job. It concerns me. It's a recent thing, like feeling unmotivated and apathetic. Not feeling anxious all the time has come with all kinds of other unexpected and unwanted things - I have no motivation to change my life, no motivation to help anyone else, I feel mostly indifferent about the state of my life, and now, to top it off, I don't really want to go to work either. My job used to be the thing I used, like a drug, for distraction etc., and some how - it isn't working these days. I don't feel like I need to escape through my job - so it isn't as appealing as it used to be.

It isn't that I don't like my job, because I do. I like the place I work and the people I work with, and for the most part my work is interesting and challenging. In the scheme of life though, I know that my job is not important. Not as important as it is to make sure that my nephew knows me, to make sure that I am of service to others, to make sure that I take the next right action. As I have eluded to in the past, much of my identity has been tied up in my job. When it really comes down to what matters in life, and my job isn't it - what is there? I just - think this is it? I don't find it fulfilling in the way that can sustain me through a lifetime. It doesn't bring me joy the way playing with my nephew did. It is the little things that matter - and I don't have those little things.

I keep reminding myself that my life won't change in the ways that I want it to, until I accept it the way it is - but if this is it - if this is the point, I don't know how to accept it. I can't seem to surrender it - my expectations and everything I ever wanted in life - how do you let go of that? In so many ways my life is what I thought it would be - and in so many ways it isn't what I thought it would be all. I just want someone to share my life with. The one thing I have wanted the most is the one thing I don't have. It is lonely here, even in the midst of rooms full of people. It is a lonely place to be. Trying to plan a life, alone, that looks like something I can live with. Trying to expect nothing, because it hurts less.

You can't live your life, waiting for the next thing to happen, because you aren't really living. You're just waiting. These days I'm still waiting, not living. Waiting for the next thing to happen, so that I can live. Waiting to find that person, so I can enjoy my life. Waiting for that next thing that will make everything right. All of this waiting is in the shadow of the reality that I live with - which is that life is short and that if there is a moment that needs to be enjoyed - it is this one. I live every day under a fear that I will get breast cancer again - that I will die before my nephew grows up, that I won't live long enough to have children or that I will leave them behind. I try not to dwell on what happened to me. But sometimes, the regret that is woven through these 30 years of my life is more powerful that I can bury. I may not have another lifetime to change it. Maybe I have 60 years, maybe I have 2. In either case it isn't enough.

An 8.5 on the laziness scale

Today, as I was stuck on the red line subway train on my way to the car dealer to pick up my car, smashed between people at 5:45, getting stepped on and bumped into, people yelling at each other to get out of the way - touching the gross pole that God knows how many people have touched - I suddenly had a deep appreciation for why I live in the city, not north of the city - and why I drive to work instead taking some other mode of transportation (which costs $280 a month to park at my office). I'm really not cut out for commuting. I can't stand being stuck on public transport with unhappy commuters. For $2.00 each way I can walk two blocks, ride a bus and get dropped off at my office 20 minutes later. For only $10 dollars more a day, I can leave my parking garage at home, get on lower Wacker drive, go under the city and arrive in my work parking garage 10 minutes later. The bonus - I never have to set foot outside - which was key in the winter.

While most people tell me that I should live farther away from work so as to create some distance between me and my job - I fantasize about living as close as is possible - like across the street (except that my firm is moving in 5 years so it isn't a good long term plan). Cause the thing is - when your whole life revolves around the billable hour and you count all of your time in 6 minute increments - all with the goal of adding up to 126,000 minutes by year end, commute time can only mean one thing - a loss of free time. By living down town and driving to work - or living across the street if it were possible - I am saving my free time. Imagine if I were commuting 45 minutes each way to work (and it can take this long depending on where in the city you live)? I would be losing an hour and a half of my valuable and almost non-existent free time.

I just may have to break down and pay for monthly parking at work - that would lower the rate. The thing is - I keep telling myself that I'm maintaining a balance between driving to work and walking to work (or yes, taking the bus, once in a great while), that I am still spending less money by not paying for monthly parking. The way I see it, if I really look at the numbers, I spend $70 a week if I drive every day. If I only drive sometimes, I spend $56 by the time I take buses to work, trains to meetings, and cabs home, plus one cab home from work on average a week. For a mere $14.00 more, I eliminate all hassle. Again, in the winter - I don't even have to set foot outside. Plus, I think if I just break down and pay monthly parking, and have it deducted pre-tax through Wage Works, it might even be cheaper than $56 a week. I am probably wasting money actually by refusing to break down and admit that I am so lazy that I am no longer an average commuter because I pay for monthly parking. Does anyone think I've over analyzed this? On Monday, I'm going to have my secretary figure out how to work this parking thing out so it's pre-tax etc. Now that I have realized it might be a money saving step - I think I'm willing to take it.

On a related note - I was considering whether it might be a good idea to try PeaPod, the grocery delivery service. I can see why people do this who don't have cars - if I didn't have a car, I would definitely do this. You just go online and place your order and if it's $100 or more, they deliver it for only $7.00, bring it all up in the house etc. It is annoying to go to the grocery store - mainly because it is such a pain to get all the groceries up into my condo. I don't have a guy to do it for me. A lot of people simply go to the store every day on their way home. I hate the grocery store, so I go once every two weeks. It might be nice not to go at all. Although I am pretty picky about my bananas, they have to be just the right amount of green. I'm not sure how it would work to have PeaPod picking my produce. Just a thought.

Also, today, a cleaning service slipped a card under my door. I used to love to clean - I guess I still do - but it used to be good stress relief and these days I don't feel like I have any stress to alleviate, so I haven't been cleaning as much. I used to clean my entire condo every weekend - the wood floors, everything. I've been on Lexapro for a month and I've cleaned, uh, once. In fact, there are dishes in the sink, an empty cereal box on the island, socks on the floor...what is happening to me? I thought well, maybe it would be nice not to have to do the wood floors - I hate doing the floors. I mean, if you can afford to pay someone else to pick out and deliver your food, clean your house, pick up your dry cleaning, run your errands...while you walk back and forth across the street to your office...(I wonder what other activities I could eliminate?)....I am starting to see why my sponsor has a personal assistant. And to think that only two months ago the thought of paying someone else to do my toe nails seemed silly! Now I just think of it as enjoying myself.

This is my 100th post

I thought I would take this opportunity to write my 100th post, since my work has come to a halt mid-day today. I have effectively done every last ounce of work possible without the input of the partner I work for - I don't think I've ever been this caught up - so while I wait on him, I must find something to do. All I have left is to enter my time from the day into the billing system, one pro bono project, and one article to edit - all as non-billable as blogging!

I really wanted to have something good to write about for my 100th post, because this is sort of a milestone, but honestly, I don't have much to say. I never blog about anything going on in the world, politics etc. (though I don't know why because I could say quite a lot about our president and the state of things in America these days).

Okay, so, my other option was to write about fruit. Yes, I am serious, fruit - because fruit is on my mind lately. I eat a lot of eat and I have recently decided that mango just might be the most perfect fruit. I love it. I also think the pit is interesting, as far as fruit pits go, because it is flat. I can sometimes be seen standing over my kitchen sink after cutting up a mango, literally trying to eat every last bit of fruit off the pit. (And yes, I think literally, I could be seen doing this. I am pretty sure at least one condo across the street has binoculars and you can see straight into the condos if the blinds are open. Actually, I saw one of the neighbors across the street completely naked - but I wasn't using binoculars - he just happened to be that close to the window). I know - just buy an extra mango, then I wouldn't have to do that. Fruit happens to be one of the 5 things my dad claims he can't live without (others are the stars in the sky, his children, and um, I forgot the other two).

The other thing that I find interesting is that the eye cream I use, is also a lip cream. It happens to burn when you get it in your eye, but amazingly, it is tasteless. Hmm....

Anyway, this is how lame I am. I have nothing to post about but fruit and the fact that my blog is so uninteresting I can't even think of anything to say.

In all seriousness though, I never thought I would be writing post 100. My brother actually suggested that I write this blog to share some of my experiences about getting sober and surviving breast cancer - to be able to process it etc. I thought I wouldn't be able to do it - like I literally wouldn't be able to write anything. It's been a good experience I think. I don't know if I have helped anyone else, but it's helped me!

I also just want to take this opportunity to thank all of the people who have supported me through everything that I've been through this past year and half and all of the people who continue to support me. You are all amazing and I love you.

A mid month update

It's Sunday and I am in my office. Working on the weekend is not my favorite thing. I don't mind from time to time, but now that I don't feel so anxious all the time, I've been enjoying the down time on my weekends a lot more than I used to. Anyway, a client had an emergency and the partner I work for has a personal obligation until early evening (although I would have been the one working on it anyway) - so, here I am in my office...blogging. No, don't worry - I'm not blogging on the clients time, I'm just doing a pre-work brain dump hoping to clear out enough space in my head to figure this problem out. What kind of emergency could a client have on a weekend you wonder? I can't tell you, but let's just say that I am giving up my Sunday (and a beautiful one it is) because someone forgot to lock the car and/or shut the garage door.

Anyway - I just read some one's blog that I read regularly and am just livid in my head over what happened when she sent her son away to camp. I might not even be able to concentrate it has pissed me off so bad. I'm trying to think of reasons she can sue the camp so at the very least, she could send a threatening and credible letter.

Otherwise - things are good. I decided to stop taking the Lunesta because I was feeling really tired all the time and lethargic, unmotivated, and like the drug was never making it out of my system completely. Plus, I had read that sleeping medication can sometimes lessen the effectiveness of things like Lexapro. I actually have slept okay the past two nights - so maybe my body can now regulate this sleep problem on its own. I've never been a great sleeper anyway, so what am I expecting? I am happy to report that I feel better not taking it. I actually feel more motivated and a lot less blah. My psychiatrist might prefer me to sleep more, but that's okay - I think I have to go with how I feel on this one.

I guess I have nothing else to report. I thought I had so much to say, but I guess I don't. The weather is beautiful so hopefully I can get out of my office and take a walk at some point this afternoon. Also - as of yesterday, I have been sober for 19 months. Good for me. Oh, but the toaster is perpetually unplugged these days.

Elimination of our drinking is but a beginning

I'm on steps 6 and 7 again. "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character." "Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings." I say again because I just went through 4 and 5, again, so I am specifically focused on certain character defects and how to be free of them. I have a new sponsor as of March so we went back through my two 4th steps - partly so she could get to know me, and because I fail to do 10th steps on a daily basis and I seem to build up a lot of stuff in the interim. Anyway, it was really good to go back through them - my sponsor is awesome and a good fit for me. I relate to her really well, and she doesn't take a lot of crap from me. Which is good. Cause I do try to bullshit her sometimes.

The hard part about step 6 is the concept of "entirely." There are times when I want to be ready, when I think I'm ready, when I wish I were ready - to be free of a character defect - but until I am entirely ready, I can't be free of the defect. I've probably said before that I do whatever I do until it becomes painful enough, and that's when I stop - never a moment before. There is a tipping point with my character defects. The point at which it suddenly becomes slightly less painful to stop engaging in the behavior, than it is to keep doing it - is the point at which I effectively do step 6. Step 7 then is easy - if I am entirely ready, and I ask my higher power for relief - I get it, sometimes instantaneously. Sometimes not as quickly, but it will always come. But like I said, the hard part is achieving that level of readiness. There are some things that I want to hang on to and sometimes there is little I can do to get myself to surrender. So I do what the Big Book tells me to do under those circumstances - which is pray for the willingness to surrender it.

I have had the experience of the program of AA and this process working both on my drinking, and my character defects. I know it works and that it can work on literally anything. I believe that this program works with every ounce of my being. Why then do I find it so difficult to surrender? If I know that it works, that it will work on anything, that my life is more amazing today because this program works, why do I insist on fighting the process? Some people who know me would say I am stubborn. I feel sometimes like I work this program a lot more effectively around drinking than anything else and when it comes to my character defects, it is not as easy to believe that turning it over to a higher power and simply having faith can bring about life changing miracles. But it can, and it does. And I need to remember that.

It says in "How it Works," "a) That we were alcoholic and could not manage our own lives, b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholISM, and c) That God COULD and WOULD, IF he were sought."

It doesn't say that if I seek God, he might help me. It says he can and he will. It doesn't say that if we work this program, some will succeed or that it will sometimes work, or that it will only work on my drinking. It says "Rarely have we seen a person a fail." It also says, "Half measures availed us nothing." To be effective, I have to work this program completely, and I have to surrender everything entirely. Because the same person will drink again.

In a sudden wave of motivation

I loaded the dishwasher. Ha ha.

Okay, seriously, all day long, I fantasized about what time I would get to go to bed. I keep moving it earlier and earlier in my head - well, in practice actually. First it was 11, then 10:30, then 10:00, then 9:30. Then I jumped all the way from 9:30 - in my head - to 7:30. I've yet to go to bed at 7:30, but doesn't sleeping from 7:30 p.m. until like 9 in the morning sound amazing? This just isn't like me. One might argue that I am just catching up on sleep, but I don't need a lot of sleep - so, what the heck is wrong with me?

Anyway, of course I ended up at work until almost 9 - which was not part of the fantasy that I was having earlier. So here we are at 9:30, not sleeping, and also not feeling tired. Hmm - maybe loading the dishwasher gave me a sudden spurt of adrenaline. I've decided that even though my doctor has prescribed me Lunesta to sleep (because the Lexapro initially sent me way over to the other side - and I was getting up at 4 a.m. every day), that I am not taking it anymore. I simply don't think it is a good idea. She has assured me that I can't get addicted - but in my little ole head, anything can happen.

Besides, I feel lethargic, unmotivated, apathetic, indifferent. I feel depressed and like sleeping constantly and I think it may be Lunesta related. If my options are no anxiety, but little sleep, coupled with motivation and a positive attitude; or, no anxiety, too much sleep, no motivation and pure and utter apathy and indifference - I'd rather get up at 4 a.m. for a while. Amazing things can be accomplished at 4 a.m.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to give up on taking Lexapro yet, but I also think I am moving in an unhealthy direction. We'll see I guess.

Ho hum, I am achieving a new level of pathetic

The lack of motivation is persisting. I don't have any. I've been working reasonable hours lately - i.e. leaving "early." I could have gone to a second meeting, found someone to go to coffee, found someone to hang out with. But no, I don't feel like it. I know this is probably a misperception on my part - but I don't really think that people want to be friends with me. They don't really put any effort into it, so in turn, I don't put effort into it either. In some ways AA here feels very cliquey - and I arrived on the scene well after people had formed their friendships. Plus, people know I work a lot so I think they assume I am always working. Anyway, like I said yesterday, there are things about my life that I would like to change - in fact, I think that part of the reason I gave in and went on medication was to enable me to be able to change those things. Ironic that the medication has made me not feel like doing anything or bothering to change anything.

It seems that I sit at work and fantasize about what time I will get to go home and prematurely put my pajamas on and sit in front of the t.v. and watch things like America's Got Talent and the Singing Bee, which are on the schedule for tonight. I will start 25 minutes late so that I can skip commercials, take intermittent breaks for things like figuring out what to wear tomorrow (in case I have to iron..so that I can be into my office parking garage by 8 to get the cheaper parking rate...yes, per my earlier post last winter, I am still driving to work, even though I live downtown), and packing food for snacks. Then at 9 when the bad t.v. runs out, I'll watch worse t.v. - episodes of Dawson's Creek that I have been recording on the Tivo.

This is what my life amounts to lately, bad t.v. And truly, I don't even care, or I am starting not to care. I know I'll never find a guy to be with if I sit here and watch t.v., but who cares. Every guy I date treats me like shit anyway and why would I want to give up my free time to take care of some asshole guy who will inevitably take advantage of me for my money and play video games all day while I work 50 hours a week and pay his bills and do everything for him. Yes, this has happened to me before, not once, but twice. Now granted I am at fault for being so great at picking boyfriends and so bad at getting rid of them. But still - what do I have to do to attract someone normal? Today I went to an AA meeting at lunch time that I had never been to before and this creepy guy was all over me as I was trying to leave. I must be wearing a sign that says if you are a complete asshole, and kind of creepy and really fucked up, please, come talk to me.

Anyway, I have about 10 minutes until my designated start time. Better go put my pjs on and situate myself for three hours of nothing.

The slightly blah side of normal

It seems my response to Lexapro has plateaued on week 3. Unfortunately, I have plateaued on the slightly blah side of normal. Actually, I think I peaked on day 4, the day it took effect. On day 4 I felt amazing - it was like the weight of the world had been lifted - the anxiety was gone, like magic. Slowly some of it has crept back in, but only a little - I am having some OCD issues, but nothing like normal, and I pretty much don't really feel anxious at all. I guess in that regard, the drug is working and anxiety is the reason I went on it. I guess I can also say that my mood is more stable in that I am not up and down and up and down and up and down. My mood isn't nearly as erratic as normal. I feel pretty even actually. The ups and downs are more like varying shades of gray instead of black and white. Unfortunately, my mood has stabilized on something other than happy. It has stabilized somewhere near content, something like what I expect "normal" would be, just slightly on the blah side. So is this it? Is this as good as it is going to get? I get to be less anxious, but consistently slightly blah? The depression was bad sometimes, the anxiety was horrible, but I liked the up swing when I had those crazy mood swings. It was motivating, I felt alive, I felt like anything was possible, I felt like I could accomplish anything.

Now I feel like anything might be possible, I just don't feel like bothering to put the effort into doing it. Like I might sit around and complain about the things in my life that I don't like, but I have absolutely no motivation to do anything about it. It's almost like I feel so little anxiety, that I feel like I don't even care about anything. I don't even care to try. I just don't care. Maybe I was better off the other way?

Be careful what you teach your children

You influence your children in ways you don't realize. For example, my mother never really took care of herself - she never did nice things for herself. Overall I would say she has treated herself pretty poorly. It has taken me until now, 30 years old, to learn to do nice things for myself and take care of myself, and feel okay about it. Little things like getting a pedicure of a massage - I never used to do those things or think that I deserved to feel good in general.

Anyway, my brother wrote this interesting post about how he got where he is and why. It made me think about how I got to where I'm at and I always think it's interesting to compare the ways that our childhoods affected us, sometimes differently, even though we grew up in the same dysfunctional house. My mother is an alcoholic who has never been sober and my dad is emotionally unavailable for the most part and dysfunctional in other ways. I could write post after post about the chaos we grew up in, but I'll leave that for later. For now I will just say that there was an incredible amount of tension and pressure around school and success. I'm not really sure where this came from because neither of my parents are educated. I think it stemmed mostly from a desire that we would have more than they did.

I think by and large most of the pressure fell on my brother who is two years older than me. My parents always treated us as if my brother was the smart one. My brother was good at math and science. My brother was the one that they expected to be successful, to excel, to stand out. I guess I don't really know what my parents thought I would become - I just knew that whatever it was, it would pale in comparison to my brother's achievements. My brother bore the brunt of my mother's pressure while I think I lingered in the background suffering in other ways as a result of her alcoholism.

On top of not being the smart one, there were no real role models in my family. My dad's family, who we were closer to than my mother's, are not supportive when it comes to education. In their family, you are not supposed to go to college, particularly if you are a woman. You are supposed to marry young and have babies and not work outside of the home if possible. You aren't supposed to travel outside of the state of Michigan, and if you do leave the state you have to drive, because flying is unsafe. God forbid you live in a city and make too much money. I always say that my dad's family's motto is, "why have more when you can settle for less?" I am like the black sheep of the family - educated, a lawyer, living in a city, making a lot of money, unmarried, no children. (Now granted I want to get married and have children, but I don't want to give up my career).

Anyway, basically I had no support from anyone. In my entire life, my mother has only ever told me that I am good at two things, even to this day - cleaning and arguing. I think she used to say I was good at cleaning just to get me to clean so she didn't have to. And she always used to say, "you would be a good lawyer, you like to argue." Almost from the time I can remember, I knew that I would be a lawyer. What were my options? Cleaning person or lawyer. Now if I had gone the cleaning route, I would probably own my own cleaning empire already! She told me I wasn't good at math and science, so I couldn't be an engineer, a doctor or a scientist. Besides, those were my brother's goals and I would always be overshadowed. I needed to do something different so I could stand out. The truth is, I don't know how good I am at math or science because I only ever tried half-heartedly, expecting that I would fail. I had no role models so I think I truthfully didn't know just how many options I might have had. I was also motivated by money because it was always a huge stress growing up - there was never enough and there was constant fighting over it. I just knew that whatever I did, I wanted financial security.

All my life, since I was 7, I wanted to be an architect. I really really wanted to be an architect. I think this would have been my passion in life. But my mother told me I wasn't good enough at math so I abandoned the idea in favor of the one thing she told me I might succeed at - that seemed like a sure bet. I know now that being a lawyer isn't a sure bet or necessarily your ticket to financial freedom - though for me it has been, this isn't always the case. I have been lucky in my career and am very fortunate to have gone to a top law school and to work at one of the top firms in the world. This isn't every one's experience and I am grateful for everything that I have worked for and earned. Even though I never pursued what I really wanted to do, I have always continued to think about it.

Even my father had no faith in me. When I got my first job out of law school, my dad congratulated me by saying, "I just didn't think you had what it would take to compete at a top law school." Thanks dad. My life, my education, my career, has been a series of steps to try to prove myself. To prove that I am smart enough, capable enough, as good as my brother, as successful as my brother. I've been trying all my life to prove to my parents that they were wrong about me, and even now, despite my success, my accomplishments still, and probably always will, pale in comparison to my brother's. My mother parades my brother around like he is an accomplishment of hers, while I continue to linger in the background. The thing is, I can't be any more successful. I have as great of a job as I ever could get with amazing opportunities in front of me. I have nothing left to prove. I just need to convince myself - this has been as much about proving it to myself as it was about proving it to my parents.

Being a lawyer may not be my passion, it's hard to say, because I've never been an architect - but I love my job and I am very happy where I'm at. Do I wish I had made a different choice? No. If I could do it over, would I make a different choice? No. So in the end, I guess I ended up where I would have wanted to be - it just wasn't because it was what I always thought I wanted - it was all I ever really thought I could succeed at.

Christmas in July

So my employer has given us another raise - they have bumped our salaries up again in accordance with the increase in New York salaries. I say again because they already did this once this year - effective January 1. Now they have done it again - which makes 4 pay increases for me since I started working there 14 months ago - and it isn't an insignificant amount.

Frankly, I think they might have lost their minds. As I said before in another post, most of us would gladly give part of the money back in exchange for some of our time. Then again, we have it really good as far as hours go. Of course I am not complaining about this, though I have some concern that it is going to mean we have to work harder and I already work extremely hard as those of you who know me are aware of.

Anyway, I am tremendously grateful and also excited about this happening - though I feel like I shouldn't admit that. It's okay to be excited about getting a raise right? I already feel like people judge me and make assumptions about me for being successful and in some ways I am almost ashamed to admit it. I should be proud of myself and not ashamed of it. I deserve it right? I don't think most people would be sitting here having this debate in his or her head. They would just say thank you and enjoy it.

People always say that money doesn't buy you happiness, and I can tell you that this is true - cause I've experienced this first hand. Trying to buy happiness or find it outside of myself, in people and things - always believing that some other thing that I just have to get my hands on will make me happy. It isn't true. But I would be lying if I didn't say that it makes life easier - that it buys you freedom and it buys you options and that I would be less happy under different circumstances. Surviving breast cancer though has really made me appreciate what matters in life - and it isn't anything that money can buy.

I feel like people think I am greedy or selfish because I am excited about this (or maybe that idea is planted in my brain because my mother started telling me that when I was 8 years old) but I do have an appreciation for everything I have - because everything I have I worked for and got all on my own, with no help from anyone, and in spite of a horrible childhood and an utter lack of support. People always tell me that it is amazing that my brother and I are both successful and functional given the way we grew up.

Anyway, like I said, I have earned everything I have and gotten it all on my own. With the exception of my sobriety that is - my sobriety I owe to more people than I can count, and AA and God. Of everything I have, and I have been blessed I think, my sobriety is the most important. My sobriety and my health. Everything else is icing on the cake.

Is it, or isn't it working?

I really thought the Lexapro was working, until today. For two weeks I have felt really good and pretty much anxiety free - and then today, it sort of flooded back over me. Mostly it is anxiety about getting cancer again and dying. But the OCD type anxiety is plaguing me a bit as well. I know how much it bothers me largely depends on how well I ignore it as opposed to feed it. I think I am caught up in a lot of fear. Fear is always the culprit. The fear is that I will never find any guy who wants to be with me - because I'm sober and because I had cancer. And because I can't seem to attract anything but assholes. Knowing how overwhelming that fear is just makes me realize how much I still don't like myself.