Reposting a list

I am re-posting my list from when I went to the spa. Why? Because I haven't read it in a while and there things in there that I need to remember. That trip changed me.

• Learned to judge myself less harshly.
• Invited and accepted encouragement and support.
• Followed directions.
• Trusted my life in the hands of a stranger, more than once.
• Climbed to the top of a rock wall (this I did not think I could do (actually, I did not think I could do any of the challenges)).
• Smelled bad and not cared.
• Decided it's okay if this is as good as it gets (meaning the circumstances of my life).
• Realized that not everyone is looking at me and making fun of me, and if they are, oh well, how sad for them that they have nothing better to do with their time.
• Reached out for help without feeling bad about it.
• Not been afraid of feeling stupid when I express what I am feeling or describing what something means to me.
• Not been afraid to eat dessert five times in one day (two days actually and I might just do it again today).
• Walked across a log the width of your shoe 35 feet in the air with nothing to hold on to, and made it to the other side.
• Realized that I am capable of a lot more than I think I am.
• Discovered confidence.
• Seen an energy healer who opened my top three chakras (supposedly).
• Had a facial for the first time (an anti- aging one, cause you know that one line appearing on my 31 year old face is freaking me out a little (okay, a lot)).
• Talked on the phone to almost no one (can't say the same about gmail chat - I need some connection folks).
• Realized who I miss the most.
• Confirmed that I can no longer work when I'm sick or on vacation.
• Committed to focusing less on my billable hours.
• Planned to work less in general.
• Decided to enjoy every second more.
• Gone without makeup.
• Gone without "doing" my hair.
• Climbed to the top of a 25 ft. pole on top of which is a disk 10 inches in diameter that you have to step on top of without anything to hold on to; and then jumped off.
• Been hoisted 40 ft. in the air by eight other women and then swung like a pendulum.
• Helped hoist the other 7 women into the air (I'm going to be sore tomorrow).
• Met some amazing people that I intend to keep in touch with.
• Heard some amazing things about letting go.
• Tried acupuncture for the first time.
• Had an aloe wrap for the first time.
• Felt comfortable in my own skin.
• Eaten dessert with abandon (three desserts with my lunch today actually).
• Cared less about what my body looks like.
• Spoken up when I had an idea.
• Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.
• Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.
• Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.
• Stepped outside of it.
• Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.
• Not been afraid of looking stupid when I try something new.
• Done something even if I thought I might fail.
• Not been afraid to be myself.
• Spoken up when I had a question.
• Felt better about myself than I ever have before.
• Taken better care of myself.
• Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.
• Experienced true presence in the moment.

Someone said to me

Someone said something to me the other day which reminded me of something you hear in AA meetings all the time - which is that you shouldn't judge another person by their outsides, or compare yourself to their outsides, because you don't know what their insides look like. You don't know what it is to be them, to live their experience, to deal with what they have to deal with. You simply can't know something like that.

In the cold white snow

I am in Michigan for the weekend and the thing that I notice right away about being in Michigan is the weather. The weather of course is not all that different here than it is in Chicago, it's just in Chicago, I live in a bubble. I live in a kind of unreality as I call it.

My brother was kind enough to brush the snow off my car this morning, something I have done oh, maybe not even once this winter. People keep talking about how bad of a winter this has been, and I just say, huh - I didn't notice.

I drive everywhere I go, I never take public transportation. Gasp. Seriously, never. I've been spoiled by the wonderfulness of covered parking. I have covered parking at home and covered parking at work and if you have been reading this for a while, you know that I pay a fortune to park at work. But I go from inside to inside every single day without setting foot outside. Sometimes I go for days without actually going out there.

Days like today, when I have to do things like go out in the cold - like uh, most people do every day - remind me that things are pretty cushy in Chicago. I am living a pretty cushy lifestyle and I have pretty good job security, at least through October and I am grateful for that. I should start writing something I am grateful for every day again.

Anyway, covered parking - I love you.

**In case you failed to detect it, I'm just being silly about the snow.

On cloud 9

I just booked my second spa trip. Eight days at Miraval, the most amazing place on earth, according to me. I can't wait. It's not until June but you can bet I'll be counting down the days, starting, oh, about now. I decided to go for the more expensive, larger room with a private outdoor shower, a roman bathtub and a view of the mountains/sunrise. It's costing me only $556 more than the basic room. I would say that's worth it. Yay me! I can't wait!

Why settle for one when you can have all three

I still haven't quite sold myself on the idea of the new computer. I've wanted it for quite a while, and my J key is broken, and can't be fixed. Well, maybe if I took it to the apple store, they could fix it. But still. I'd like a new computer, I just feel guilty spending the money on myself. I don't feel bad when I spend money on other people, just when I spend money on myself.

Especially now, given the economy, I feel like I should save every last penny just in case (isn't that what I've been doing for years already anyway?), because even though I have job security through October - after October, I don't know, I don't want to be overly confident.

And then there is this part of me that feels like I should reward myself after these cancer follow-up appointments because the stress of them is so intense, I feel like I should do something nice for myself for having gotten through it and for some reason that means spending money.

Anyway, I decided I can have all three if I want to, so, I booked a day spa trip, I am going outlet mall shopping this afternoon, and then depending on how much money I spend buying whatever I want (which could very well be nothing because whenever I set out on a mission to spend money, I can't find anything I want), I might buy the computer also. We'll see.

The relief of knowing I am okay has finally set in. I feel good.

All clear on the mammogram front

My mammogram went fine. If you don't hear the relief in my voice it's because it hasn't set in yet. It takes hours, maybe a day or so for the relief to sink in.

Finally, for the first time ever in the history of me having mammograms, and let me tell you, I have had a lot of them, this one actually went smoothly.

They didn't call me back for a second round, they didn't order other tests, they didn't think they saw anything. The radiologist even said she was surprised this round had been ordered and that I could be on the annual schedule now.

Except that I have to go through this one more time in July before it switches to once a year. Ugh. But let's not worry about that right now.

This is the first time ever that I have actually felt like I am in the clear, like maybe I actually beat this thing and won't ever get it again. I've never felt that before. I've always just assumed it would happen again. Now I am starting to feel like it won't.

Anyway, what fun thing should I do to celebrate? Buy the new computer I have been wanting for like oh, months; go shopping for clothes, shoes and anything else I want; do a spa day (to include a massage, facial and pedicure). I can't decide which one to do.