Rolling with it

I feel like I'm falling behind on this gratitude thing, though so far, I have posted something I am grateful for every day since I said I would, it's just that a couple of times I posted a day late. I really don't feel like posting right now. I was at work for 13 hours. The last thing I want to do is stare at a computer screen any longer. But rather than complain about it, which is what I am inclined to do - I'll just say what I am grateful for and move on. And then, I promise, later this week, I'll come up with something more interesting to post about. Not that this blog ever was interesting, it's just that lately it seems to be extra boring.

Yesterday's gratitude - the comment about the cheese made me realize that I don't want for anything (what does that have to do with cheese? I don't know. Cheese, like everything, I seem to have an abundance of. And I don't know why, but it just made me think about the abundance in my life). Seriously - I have everything I need, that's always been true, and I have maybe 90-95% of what I want. I'm grateful that whatever I've needed, it's always been there, whether it be support from a friend, a stranger, AA - anything.

Today's gratitude - I'm grateful that despite the fact that I was at work for 13 hours, I left there in a decent mood. Yeah, things are busy, but I seem to be rolling with it okay. Going out of town for the weekend helped a lot. The break was nice. And even though it is insanely, completely, out of control busy - I actually don't feel stressed about it. I feel like I have good perspective about it and you know, whatever, right. I am only one person, I can only do so much in an hour and in a day and the thing is, I need to take care of myself and take time for myself because otherwise, I will burn out. I start to feel it after a couple of weeks of working a lot with no break. So, I'm grateful that I can put myself and taking care of myself before my job, as hard as it is.

Now, I just need to plan this leave I want to take...

Can't come up with anything

I'm here to post some daily gratitude. I wanted to post a real post, I mean a longer post, but I just don't have it in me to write something. There is a lot on my mind. I'm finding it hard to sit still and be quiet, hard to focus, but I also can't sit here and do nothing and I don't feel like reading - plus, I've caught up on blog reading. And I just took a trip down memory lane through some old email exchanges between me and someone, that I didn't need to read. I owe people emails but I don't have it in me to write those either.

I'm even feeling like I can't come up with anything to be grateful for. I need to find something besides my job, my financial situation, and the fact that I'm not working right now. Cause if that's all I've got, then this isn't working. Seriously.

So what is it going to be? What am I grateful for today? How about the fact that coming down here to the farm this weekend has actually made me feel less bad about staying in Chicago for the medium term - I'm grateful for that, because the thought of having to stay while my brother and sister-in-law lived in Ann Arbor was feeling pretty intolerable, nearly impossible. I'm not saying I want to suddenly stay in Chicago forever - I'm just saying, sticking it out there longer, until I get myself into just the right spot work wise, feels less intolerable than it did over the past few weeks.

Okay, that's all I've got. Maybe tomorrow I will come up with something better.

How much does a donkey auction for?

Well folks, your guess is as good as mine, because we left the auction before the donkey sold. It was a cute donkey though. And there were no peacocks by the way. Drat.

I wanted to bid on some bunnies, to save them, but what would I have done with them? I just felt bad for them the way they were sticking them in boxes after people bought them. Stuffing multiple bunnies in one box on top of each other. Poor bunnies. Maybe my cat would have liked a friend.

I really wanted to see things get heated over the donkey. There was only one.* I really wanted to see people fight for it. I don't think I've ever been to an auction before - but an animal auction...this was something else. Even my brother admitted that the people watching is more entertaining than than the auction.

The guy next to me tried to strike up a conversation. He said, "so, what are you buying?" I said, "Oh nothing." He said, "what, you just come here to hang out?" I thought, as I whipped out my blackberry to check my email because I felt it buzzing in my purse, do I look like I come here to hang out? Although I did kind of blend in I guess, I mean, in so far as I was wearing jeans and sneakers.** So I said, "No, I'm just here with my sister-in-law's family." He said, "oh come on, you don't want to buy any chickens?" I said, "no, I don't live here anyway, I live in a big city." He said, "oh, well, maybe get a rooster instead of a chicken and you can throw away your alarm clock." I didn't say anything else.

I tried to take some pictures of my nephew but he moves to fast! I tried to get a couple of him looking at the animals before the auction started. And I couldn't really take pictures of the auction itself - I mean - can you imagine? To me the whole thing was slightly amusing, but that would have just been inappropriate.

*Well, one that looked like Eyore. There were two, but the other one was ugly. Actually, I think the other one was a pony now that I think about it. No, it isn't that I don' t know my animals - it's just, that's how ugly it was.

**Not that there is anything wrong with hanging out at animal auctions for fun. Not at all. We were there for the purpose of selling goats. I did also manage to remember to bring a non-fancy purse so I wouldn't stand out.

Taking it down a notch, or 500

My level of stress/tension goes down by a factor of 500 when I leave the city. Just knowing I am going to leave, cuts it in half. So with $3.15 cents in my cup holder, a diet coke, and a bag packed with books, at 11:00 a.m., I packed up my work bag and headed out of town. Yeah, I brought a whole bag of work with me, but, I'm not going to do any of it. It just makes me feel better to lug it around. It's like taking work home at 8:30 p.m. when I know damn well I am not going to do it.

So, 120 miles later, here I am at the farm with my nephew. He is just so damn cute. So cute. And of course, spending time with him makes me question everything, and I do mean everything.

Anyway, tonight at the animal auction, my sister-in-law's mom is going to buy my nephew a bunny! That will be fun!

By the way, have a beautiful and blessed day folks, okay now. Seriously. That's what the lady at the Taco Bell in Nowhere, Indiana said to me. Have a beautiful and blessed day. And I thought, if I worked at Taco Bell, I would never be able to muster such pleasantries, to anyone, ever. We should all be so kind to one another. Get with it people.

Today I am grateful for my job and that I am not working this weekend. And that I am with my nephew, who reminds me always to be present in the moment and that the thing right in front of you, is the most amazing.

He says there will be peacocks

I am going to the farm tomorrow - my sister-in-law's parents' farm. People always say, is it a real farm? Yes, it is.

My brother and sister-in-law seem overly nervous that I don't have a good time there - that I get bored or am uncomfortable. Well, I assure you all, I am none of those things when I go there. Secretly, I love going there. Why? Because it is the closest I ever get to being around a normal family - a normal, nice, loving, caring, did I mention normal, family. So, it's almost like I'm just borrowing them, sort of, for a few days. And maybe I seem quiet and uncomfortable because well, I feel like an intruder - because I am quietly stealing a little bit of something I never had.

Anyway, my brother called me to "warn" me of this weekend's farm activities, you know, in case I needed to make alternative arrangements - like I don't know what. I mean, I always take books. I'm perfectly content to sit in the tub with the jets on and let myself prune while reading. And play with my nephew of course. They really don't need to occupy me. Frankly, I am looking forward to two nights of sleeping without my cat standing on my head, and mostly, I am looking forward to not working. Work is just crazy lately - and I've just not posted about it. And I'm tired and I need a break. I like going there - it's nice to get out of the city. I am also going to use the opportunity to catch up on blog reading.

I am really more than happy to participate in farm activities. Unless it involves relocating meat chickens from one coup to another. But pretty much anything else, I'm game for at least once. My brother is making his own bacon this weekend - now why wouldn't I want to help do that? Anyway, tomorrow night I guess they are going to an animal auction - I think he said they were taking goats to auction. My brother says I should go, it's fun. He says there will be peacocks.

I'm bringing my camera.

Today I am grateful for all of the people out here in this blog world, in whom I have found acceptance and support - thank you!

You see, I am committed to this gratitude thing

Okay, I am not sure why, after all this time, I now suddenly feel the need to post what I am grateful for. I mean, I feel like I will have an anxiety attack if I don't. Every part of me doesn't want to post right now - I really just want to get ready for bed...or, alternatively, I have so many posts to write about other things and emails to return - but no - gratitude. It's almost like an OCD type compulsion - like I have to post what I'm grateful for. Have to. Crap - it's already happening - I am morphing into someone else...more later, it's been a busy week.

But, what I am grateful for today is my sister-in-law's family. They are really nice people and they have always made me feel really welcome in their home. They have invited me down to the farm many times and I always have a nice time there. Lise always makes biscuits and sausage gravy when I'm there, my favorite, and we frequently get to decorate cookies which is also my favorite, or do some other activity. I have sucky parents, as many of you know. That's the understatement of the year. I wish I had family like my sister-in-law's family. And even though I don't, I am glad I get to know them and very glad that my brother gets to have a nice family in his life. I'm grateful that I have a good relationship with my sister-in-law. It is really easy to talk to her about things - I feel like I could talk to her about anything really, and both my brother and sister-in-law have always been as supportive as they could be through everything I was going through. Without them, I would feel very alone.

Yesterday's gratitude

I am grateful for Nina for helping me yesterday. More later...

From here, it appears to be a very long way down

I'm standing here, looking, peering over the edge of the cliff - one foot dangling. It appears to be a very long way down. This isn't like normal where I kind of slip, slowly, almost without noticing, hanging on by a thread that eventually snaps as I've gotten closer to the bottom. It snaps unexpectedly and there isn't too far to fall. This is more like I just feel like stepping off the edge of it, flinging myself over maybe, knowing what is awaiting me. It is desolate. I am hesitating. Don't mind me, I'm just somewhere in between sad and unhappy, and unable to find my way out of it it seems, again, or for the moment.

Oh right, I forgot, gratitude. I can't leave without being grateful - remember, I am supposed to be changing the whole character of this blog, to rainbows and pretty things and everything that is wonderful and right in my life. How is it working? I am grateful that I can think of other things to do right now than think about offing myself. The title of this blog - I've always wanted to change it. But it's one of my favorite recovery slogans, this too shall pass. I'm grateful that I know that, that I believe that, that I learned that early on. Because if I hadn't come to appreciate that - to believe that whatever I was feeling, wouldn't last forever, I might not have survived this long.

With every step we take

I have been thinking today about the principles behind the steps of AA, which I know I've written about before, or maybe even included in a post. I'm not really sure what got me thinking about it - except maybe step 9 which my sponsor and I were talking about. Step 12 says, "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs." See the thing is, I know a lot of people who can talk the talk, but who don't walk the walk, as we say. And I don't care what you have to say in the rooms of alcoholics anonymous - it's what you do when you walk out the door that matters. So I ask myself from time to time, just how "rightly" am I living? And it matters to me. Because that is the test of how well I am working the program - how well I practice the principles in all of the other areas of my life - and success in the program depends on a lot of things, including my ability to live differently. And if all you've done is stay sober, then you've missed the point entirely.

Step 9 to me is where the rubber meets the road so to speak. "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others." When it comes to amends you can have "direct amends," which require you to go to a person that you harmed, and well, make amends, whatever that means - depending on the situation. And then there are "living amends" - which 95% of my amends are of this type. I didn't really directly harm very many people (and none as a direct result of drinking by the way), and for those that I did directly harm, I am unable to go back to them where doing so would cause more harm. And this - these living amends - is where you find out whether you have changed - because to make a living amend, means living differently, treating people differently, behaving differently - the ability to do this depends on, among other things, how successfully you have worked the previous 8 steps.

I'm not saying you can't begin to practice the principles in all of your affairs from the get go - in fact I think you have to in order to succeed. I just think it is in step 9 that you really find out what you are made of. Step 9 is a never ending process and I think when I got to it, I wanted it to be something that I would just do and then move on from. I wanted it to be simple and straight forward, I wanted to apologize for however I had treated people and then just move on. And I was disappointed to find out that my amends were all living amends and that I would hit a real road block if I didn't find a way to change, and change quickly. I realized that I was going to have to go back to steps 6 and 7, the character defect steps and somehow becoming willing to change. I was going to have to find the willingness that it says is required in "How it Works," the willingness to go to any lengths. I have struggled to find it.

The 9th step is the step where you become free. The principle of the 9th step is freedom. I do believe that you are as free as you want to be. No one is going to do this for you, well, your higher power will actually, but you have to ask and you have to be willing and you have to take action. I am about to embark on another attempt at step 9 because how I live my life today matters to me and there are things that I want to change. The principles behind the steps are acceptance, faith, surrender and trust, honesty, courage, willingness, humility, forgiveness, freedom, perseverance, patience, and charity and love.

What I love about AA is that it is a program about how to live life. I went there because I didn't want to live anymore and I stuck around, not because I thought drinking had anything to do with it, but because someone told me that if I could change my attitude, it would change my life. And he was right.

It is a never ending process - more will be revealed, as they say.

Today I am grateful for my sponsor Michelle. She was my first sponsor when I first came into the program. I've switched back to her even though she is in another state because it wasn't working with my sponsor here. I worked the steps the first time, I made a beginning, to humor her I suppose. And a funny thing happened, it changed my life. I'm grateful that even though we lost touch for some time we have been able to reconnect. I am grateful that I can tell her the truth, without any fear of judgment. I appreciate her honesty, her ability to, well, call me out on my shit, while being compassionate at the same time. She has been sober 17 years which I find amazing.

Homeward bound, just not me

My brother, sister-in-law and nephew are en route back to Michigan, back to our home town, to live. Who would have guessed that their journey to another country would land them right where they started (after a brief spell in Boston that is). Going home - to me, everything and nothing is appealing about this idea. I wanted so desperately to leave there, but now that they are moving back, I want to also.

There are things that I miss about being there, that have nothing to do with family. My closest friends are there, even though I've been here for 2 years now. I miss AA there - it's a lot different than here. I miss the table meetings at the Alano Club and all the people that I sat there with day after day for 6 months. I miss the slowness of not being in a city. I miss my favorite coffee shop and my favorite sushi restaurant, my best friend Heather and walking with Claire. I just miss the town.

It's no secret that I'm not that happy here. The thing is, I KNOW it's not here that is making me unhappy. It's something else. It's that thing that has always made me unhappy - that undefinable thing that I have never been able to put my finger on. And I am trying not to suffer from the illusion that moving will fix it - but I do really believe that I would be happier if I move back there, especially now that my brother and sister-in-law will be there.

But the thing is, I can't get a job there like the job that I have in Chicago. Not only would I have to take a 50% pay cut (yikes) if I left my job for any other job, but I couldn't even get a job in my area of law there. What I do is uncommon and well, in some ways I feel like I'm locking myself in - I mean, I am actually. So in some ways, I'm stuck here. Now, as far as places to be stuck, it isn't all bad - I mean, I do really like my job a lot.

So here's the thing, we have three people in my group who live in other states and telecommute. My grand plan is to hold out for a while, at least one more year, probably two and then just see where I'm at career wise. Because I don't want to leave my job, but if my brother stays in Ann Arbor, and I could move there and work from my home like the other 3 do, well, I would probably. Unless I had something else keeping me here. I need to be in the right position when I go to ask for this - a position where they absolutely don't want to lose me so they would be willing to let me do whatever I wanted. I think I'm actually already in that position (seriously, they are going to flip out when I try to take this leave that I want), but I want to make sure it's rock solid before I try to do it. Cause I definitely don't want to jeopardize my job. And, I want to make absolutely sure that when I do that, it's the right choice - you know, that I'm not leaving here to escape myself and that I'm sure of where I want to be - because that is the last place I ever thought I would consider returning to.

But you can bet in the mean time I'll be going home frequently to stay with them and see my nephew, and see how it feels to be there. And that's probably where I'll go for much of the leave that I am planning. It's only a 4 hour drive and I have the flexibility at work to leave early whenever I want or work form outside the office. Anyway - I haven't made any more plans regarding the leave, cause I can't take it until after the end of April anyway - so more later on that...

Today I am grateful that my brother and family are moving back home and will be closer. I'll get to see them more often and I'll get to really know my nephew and he'll know who I am. I think everything about it is going to be good for them - they have good job opportunities lined up there and I just have a good feeling about it.

So, no rainbows here today, but it isn't totally raining either.

The unreality I live in

Every so often I am blessed with perspective. Yes, you have heard me say this before - because for me, perspective is so easy to lose and so hard to maintain. And it is a blessing when it happens. Usually when I have these moments of perspective it is health related, and I realize just how damn grateful I am to simply be alive, even if my life isn't just exactly the way I would have wanted it to be. Sometimes in such moments I realize it is better than I even thought possible. This time the perspective is financial related.

The economy is tanking all around us and I am living over here in my own personal "unreality." It's just that I forget sometimes that I'm not living the average American's life with the average American's lifestyle. It's easy to forget - I mean, I am surrounded by similarly situated people - I spend all my days, and long ones with people that have my similar job etc. And then I realize, for some reason, that I'm living in some other reality from most people, and wow, how ungrateful I must seem to all of you. My reality is not most people's reality.

Because I am over here bitching up a storm about my job, my really wonderfully fabulous job, that I actually do like quite a lot, while at the same time high-fiving myself for the great deal I got on 3 pair of pants, and 4 pair of shoes and all the other clothes I have bought in the past few weeks - I've lost track - and fantasizing about the BMW I want to buy in 6 months when the lease on my car is up, while also complaining about the $700 doctor bill that I got for the MRI biopsy that I didn't want to have (and turns out I didn't need), a bill that I can easily afford, except that I'm pissed about it because you know, that's $700 less that will be in my "hoard" (yes I could have not bought the clothes), and at the same time I am planning a two month unpaid leave of absence, which I can also easily afford, and yes, while still continuing to bitch about that job, which by the way - is affording me really pretty decent job security in the middle of a really uncertain economic time, and you know I'm spending money left and right on whatever I feel like buying and acting shocked and upset when I open the gas bill and it's $18 instead of $11 (because I turned the gas fireplace on for ambiance not heat) and don't forget that I spend $230 a month to drive my car less than two miles from my home and park it by my office, because you know, I don't want to be inconvenienced by having to go outside, all while stressing about money and spending it and crying that I don't have husband or a boyfriend or anyone to date, when the actual reality is that I have absolutely nothing to complain or worry about (please no comments on the comma use)....yes, I am shit head of a person sometimes.

While other people lose houses and jobs and can't find new ones and can't pay their bills, among all the other things that are happening to people.

It is humbling.

Because me and my ungrateful self are sitting over here, like I said, in my own "unreality," with a great job that I like, working with amazing people, a great income, a good future, financial security, tons of money saved, good job security, no debt other than one student loan (mind you it is a big one), complaining about the very job that is providing me with every thing I have and still failing miserably at consistently maintaining gratitude.

Well folks, we are about to change that. Because I am going to tell you every day what I'm grateful for. This has been a long time coming (notice I didn't write the gratitude list I promised you the other day). Cause you know, any program person would tell you that writing a gratitude list can change everything. We need to have an attitude of gratitude people. Just wait - this blog is going to turn into some happy, positive blog full of optimism, gratitude, and wonderfulness, with happy/fun stories about rainbows and pretty things and sun shine and all the things that are right in the world and how I love people and people are wonderful (actually, let's not go that far). I mean, I'm still me - I basically hate almost everyone and I tend toward the negative side - but we'll see what happens. Anything is possible, right? I've been in a weird mood lately (meaning, oh, for about 4 or 5 days) and you do know what they say - you have to act your way into right thinking. Well, let's get on it people. Let's start acting like we aren't ungrateful shit heads and maybe we won't be. (Hmm, I wonder how long this is going to last?)

Today, I am grateful for my job and the fact that I have work to do this weekend because it means that so far, we aren't slowing down with the rest of the economy. And I'm really grateful to have a job that I actually really like and enjoy. And I'm grateful for the people that I work with, who were amazing to me when I had breast cancer. I was closer to them than I was my own family - these are the people who really watched me go through that and they were truly amazing and caring.

Oh, and I am also grateful for the woman who was put into my life last week through the cancer support organization I volunteer for. Her faith inspires me.

See, it is all about perspective.

Would you not trust your lawyer if he or she misplaced a comma?

I don't claim to be all about proper punctuation - particularly here on my blog. I just don't really care. However, a strange thing happened today. I realized what a freak I actually am (well, jeez, it's about time isn't it?).

No, the project didn't get done on time. And yes that bothers me, but we have been missing deadlines left and right because we are all drowning. Anyway, the deadline isn't that big of a deal. I sent the work product to the client at noon today - and the fact is - it was only 1/4 of the complete product - the rest is due to be delivered next Monday through Wednesday.

And thank God for the junior associate because it took us both all day to pull the advice together. And, she sat there with me until 7:45 p.m. which was when I finally decided that it wasn't going out last night. And she listened to me stress about the phrasing of every other sentence and wondering whether my use of the words anticipate, expect, should, may, could, possibly - were sufficient - whether my advice was properly hedged in the event of an incorrect factual assumption.... She really did a great job helping me and I couldn't have gotten this out today without her.

Here's the thing - when I don't have a partner to sign off on something, I can edit it ad infinitum. I prefer it of course when I have partner approval - it always makes me nervous when he says send it and I don't want to read it. That's good though right - I mean, he trusts me, he thinks I know what I'm doing, he must think I write well. It's just that with this I was responsible for analyzing it, preparing it and delivering it without approval. And I realized how hard it was to cut myself off from the editing process and how stressful it is to be in the position of taking responsibility for the advice. I mean - I never have anyone looking over my shoulder and telling me how to do something - and I generally take a project from beginning to end myself - but I always have the partner to answer questions and give me final sign-off on something. It just seems like lately more and more responsibility is falling on me. More and more clients call me directly instead of the partner (because I am easier to get a hold of) - I just feel like the responsibility has doubled in the past few weeks. It's noticeable and sudden.

And with this particular project I didn't even have anyone to answer questions - it was like I was ultimately really responsible for the analysis and advice, and it really made me nervous even though I know what I am doing.

In the end though I was actually really happy with the work product and really comfortable with it. And then in a moment of panic, before I sent it - I had to re-assess my use of the comma and semi-colon through out - because, you know, wouldn't it concern you if your lawyer misplaced a comma (actually, would you know if your lawyer misplaced a comma)? Never mind the advice, it's the comma that matters. Like I said, when I write my blog or anything else, who the hell has time to care about commas etc. (sorry Nina, by the way, you should read Nina). But when it comes to my work, I am meticulous about every last little detail.

So what I learned from this particular project is that my job is becoming stressful in new ways that it didn't used be (gee, making partner looks less interesting after the week I've had), and that I may not be the easiest person to work for - my standards are pretty damn high when it comes to putting my name on something.

(I'm not really going to mention that I have to work this weekend and that I'm bitter about it. I also won't go into detail on how I screwed myself over by not working after noon today so that you can at least feel a little sorry for me that I am going to work on Easter.)

What day is it again?

Oh right. It's Thursday. Thursday -hmm, I have a deadline today. On a project I haven't started. And the partner is out, which means I have to do it and send it out without "approval" which makes me nervous of course. And did I mention that I haven't started it? I owe it to the client today, TODAY, and I have something that needs to be finished first, and I'm blogging. Priorities people. Believe it or not, some things take precedence over my job, sometimes. I have a junior associate doing the project for me actually, so I can't be overly dramatic about the fact that I haven't started it - or I should say, she is starting it for me. And that can go one of two ways, really well and it saves me time, or really not well and I have to re-do it. I'm not that great of a "delegator." Well, until recently. My work load is so overwhelming that I have no choice but to delegate down to more junior people, one in particular. So I have been delegating anything and everything possible. But I struggle with what is most efficient and that depends on the project actually. Sometimes it just doesn't make sense to delegate down - and other times it is more cost effective and efficient. Sometimes the deadlines are too tight to delegate. The thing is though - it's something I need to get better at - delegating. Not feeling like the only way to have something done right is to do it myself - you know, I need to work on that. And practice managing other people on projects. What I am really bad at - is the feedback part. And that is the only way for more junior people to learn. It does her no good for me to re-do a project and not tell her why or what I did. I need to work on that also. And the other thing I need to work on - are my expectations of people. Cause I don't always handle attitude from people I give work to very well, you know, for example if you tell me you need work and I give you some, don't give it back to me half done, an hour late, and tell me you are going to lunch (because that's not what I would do you see), nor do I deal well with missed deadlines and screwed up projects. BUT, perspective folks, this is only a job.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I've been up since 4:30 a.m., stressing about work. Now, you might wonder why I didn't come into work early and you know, start that project I was stressing about. But, damn it, I was not going to leave my condo building without getting into the dry cleaner this morning, which opens at 7:30 - ISH. (And, just pretend that you don't know that I took my computer and work home last night with me...and could have worked at home this morning when I couldn't sleep...because I didn't do that).

We need wives (I hate this statement)

I hate it when women make this joke - you know, busy professional/career women who work outside the home and work a lot and who joke about how they need wives to do all the things they can't get done like pay bills and pick up dry cleaning. I just hate it. Some one said it to me the other day - we need wives. I thought, no, actually, I don't. And besides, I can think of a number of stay at home moms who could use a wife also I suppose on the same theory, cause it's not like they have time either to get everything done that needs to be done, even though people make the assumption that they do.

And yeah, it's true that I was foiled again by the dry cleaner this morning and yes, it's hard to find time to run certain errands and get certain things done that can only be done in the middle of a week day, and yeah, I don't cook that often these days because I don't have time and it's just easier to eat all frozen food that I can nuke, and sure, it would be nice to have someone else mail the package for me and pick up the prescription and cook me dinner and clean my house and do my shopping and my laundry and make my appointments. But no, I do everything myself. Everything. And I generally don't complain about it. I find a way to get it all done. And no, I don't have a family, so that makes it easier, but I'm sure I could do it if I needed to (not saying it would be easy though). I don't know, it just bugs me when people say this - I need a wife, cause you know, all those things are things that a wife does right? It makes me want to vomit. Especially when I hear it from other people in my career situation who must have, at some point, thought about the breaking down of traditional, stereotypical gender roles.

I don't need a wife folks, a husband would do me just fine thank you very much.

Sabbatical

I like the idea of calling my absence a sabbatical. I also agree that 6 weeks probably isn't long enough and 8 is probably what is required. But I said 6 weeks because I figured that was the most that I could ever have any hope of getting away with. I have to think about that. I also have to think about what I want this time to be about and what I want to do etc., so that it is as productive as possible - since you know, I probably won't be able to take a leave like this again.

This is still very much in the thinking stages. Not even planning, just thinking.

I talked to a colleague about it today - someone I trust and work closely with (one of the two people who would bear the brunt of my absence). There is a chance that she will tell the partner before I have a plan and go to talk to him, but I think that's okay. That may be better actually. I was expecting her to have at least some worry about me being gone - but basically she said yeah, it would be difficult, but we would manage and absolutely they (the partner we work with and the head of our group) would be supportive of me doing whatever I needed to do.

So, it sounds like it's a possibility and worth me giving some actual thought to. I'm just going to think about it for a little while. And pray about it - which I know sounds weird to non-program readers - but I'm turning the outcome of this over to my higher power - step 3. It will work out how it is supposed to. I'll get to take the leave if and when it is right. I have to let go of it and just let it happen.

My faith is really strong at the moment. I'm not sure why - it's something that ebbs and flows I think. It's always there, always present, but sometimes I spend more time cultivating it. Sometimes it is really powerful and I feel it really deeply. And that's what it's been like lately. I feel comfort in it. I'd go into more detail about it, but I probably already sound weird.

Anyway, I'm turning the outcome over because I have faith that it will work out.

In my name

A friend called me this morning to ask if I would mind if she walked the Breast Cancer 3 Day walk this fall in my name. Of course I don't mind - it means a lot to me that she would do that. I actually want to walk in it myself. I even wanted to last year, but didn't want to walk it alone (meaning without a friend). Should I walk it with her? She says she wants to walk it in my name even if I walk with her - she's going to have t-shirts made with my name on them to wear every day.

My friendship with this person has been a little bit up and down (just meaning that things have happened that seem to have made us less close than we once were - though when we reconnect from time to time, it doesn't feel like it) - but she's one of those people that no matter whatever happened or happens between us, or whatever we may disagree about or feel differently about - if I needed anything, and I do literally mean anything - I know absolutely for sure, without any question, that she would show up for me. No matter what, no questions asked. In fact, she is the reason I stayed sober through surviving breast cancer. Without her, I am quit sure I would not have.

For some reason though - the thought of doing this walk is daunting. It isn't the fund raising that scares me (you have to raise a certain amount to "enter") - I'm sure that I can raise a lot of money - between AA people, my friends, my family, my colleagues, maybe even strangers who read my blog - I'm positive I could do it and that I could help my friend raise the money she needs also. I've heard from people who have walked it that it was the most amazing thing they have ever done, and one of the most difficult.

I don't know what is stopping me from committing to doing it. It just seems overwhelming or something to train for it. And could I do it? Could I train for it and actually walk 60 miles? I mean, if ever there were a cause or a reason for me to do something like this - this would be the reason. Rarely have I ever let fear stop me from doing things. I think I have mostly been fearless in terms of pursuing what I wanted out of things like my education and my career. And though there were times in the middle of everything I went through when I thought perhaps I wouldn't make it - I survived that with a kind of strength that I have been told is unparalleled. But it was a strength not my own - it was given to me, that was grace.

So why don't I feel strong enough to do this walk, when I know that I have the strength to do literally anything? I want to do it, but I'm scared to.

Going on holiday

I've always liked the way my European colleagues talk about "going on holiday." They take this extremely seriously. And they all go on holiday at the same time - for the entire month of August, literally, all of them, all at once. If I need my European colleagues for any projects (and I frequently do), August is out of the question. Sometimes part of July and well into September are also out of the question. Their out of office replies say they are on holiday and that they aren't reading email, and they actually mean that - or perhaps they do read it, but they absolutely never respond. I find it fascinating how they pull this off - this "going on holiday" thing.

Neither me or the partner I work for can manage to take a vacation and not work during it. I've worked on holidays, I've worked on at least half of the days I've ever taken "off," (I say, I am going to take Friday off, and then, some how, I end up saying, well, but I can work if you really need me to do X, I'll just work from wherever I'm going), I've worked at least a little during every vacation I've ever taken. Vacationing does not mean working from outside the office for fewer hours than you would have if you were in the office. That's called telecommuting, that's called working from outside the office. Apparently, I don't know how to take time off. And, I worked through cancer treatment, full-time. I worked from the hospital while poison was being pumped through my body, I went back to the office afterwards, I offered to come in the day after I had surgery.

And basically what I've realized over the past year and a half since I finished treatment - is that I've not processed anything that I went through. I didn't process it. I can't process it. I don't know how to process it. I need to remedy this somehow. I need some actual time off. I really and seriously need some actual time off. I need some space and some time. I feel like I'm going to crack. I'm not saying I want to quit, I absolutely don't - I just think I need some time.

Here's the thing, ever since the scare I had at the end of January - I've desperately (and I do mean desperately) wanted a leave of absence from work. I really do actually feel desperation when I think about this. I don't know what to do. I don't how to ask for it. I had put it out of my head once I "got over" the scare, but I was talking to my sister-in-law today and we were discussing it - and it reminded me how desperately I want to take that leave. I keep telling myself I'm not that important, the place won't fall apart, they can survive without me. But the thing is, I'm one of one. There are not a bunch of me running around there, there is no one to step into my shoes and take my work. So it's not simple and easy, I can't just shift it because there isn't really anyone to shift it to. Now, it is surprising that there aren't a bunch of me - because the head of my group has told me many a time that he wishes he could clone me. That's a pretty good compliment in my book.

Can you even imagine the heart attack that will be had when I try to ask for "time off?" I mean, what if they say no? What if they get mad? What if they freak out? How do I ask for it? What do I say? How do I justify it? I mean - I didn't even take time off during cancer treatment - why now, why suddenly, and why so desperately, do I need time off? I don't know what to tell them. But I'm desperate.

This is still very much in the thinking stages folks. I have to get through the rest of this billable year before I try to disappear. But seriously, how am I going to work this out? I am thinking June 1 through mid July. I am thinking 6 weeks, unpaid leave. Already, in my head, I am talking myself out of it - saying yeah but, you might be able to get away with a three week "vacation," and besides, they are not going to like this idea. NO. I want a leave of absence. Desperately. What am I going to do with it? I don't know - take a short trip, go to Ann Arbor, stay with my brother, play with my nephew, go to a bunch of meetings, reconnect with people, sit in the sun, find a new therapist and shrink my head quickly and efficiently to process the hell that I went through in the most effective way possible, finish my 9th step, read books, exercise, think about what I want out of life. That's what I want to do with it. Because I didn't go through what I went through - the hell that I went through - for nothing. I didn't go through that to continue to be unhappy.

The universe is laughing at me

So that busy day I was about to have - you know, super stressful and super busy, lots to get done, deadlines not getting met, everything is happening in a flurry, not enough time...uh huh, yeah.

Well, exactly 1.8 hours into my day, my work computer malfunctioned and had to be replaced, hard drive and all.

I am happy to report that 3 hours later we are up and running again, and well, 3 hours farther behind. On a negative note, all settings have been erased and IT is probably not pleased with my um, "elective" downloads, like Skype and MSN Instant Messenger. I just hope they don't find anything like um, blogs, my blog, I'll be scouring the statcounter for that.

On a positive note, my email is operating super fast. Yeah.

Eight until eight

It seems that I can only post first thing in the morning these days, cause once I get going, well, I am going until 8 p.m.. Then I go home, eat something, weird usually because I don't have it in me to make something real, return a phone call, do a few things at my house, sit down for a second to ask myself whether I still feel human (and I don't), realize I need to go to bed cause tomorrow is another crazy day, struggle with not being able to sleep, wake up at 2 a.m. and lay there for 2 hours pondering - everything - finally fall back asleep, wake up at 6:19 a.m., one minute before the alarm is set to go off, and all I can think is, fuck. Curse the dry cleaner on the way out the door because she is 10 minutes late and the only time I can get the dry cleaning is first thing, cause, in what world do I get home by 6:30? Walk in the door of my office right at 8, see that my VM light is on, and wonder who in the hell has already called me today?

Whenever I get this busy, I always say my job is like a drug. You can get a real rush off of it, a real high from the intensity - or - you can totally numb out and check out of real life for a while. I favor the latter (you probably could have guessed that) which is why I say I don't feel human. I asked myself yesterday how I was doing, emotionally - happy, not happy, content, upset still over something, sad, bored, angry, lonely, anything. Nope, nothing. I have nothing, no emotions. I literally can't even access how I might be feeling at the moment because I am too busy at work and too caught up in it to register anything. But either way, whether you get a high off of it or you numb out because of it - eventually, you will come crashing back to reality, and I do mean crashing.

I promise, better posts will follow soon...

Edited to add: two people have told me to write a gratitude list...I wonder why? Could it because I called someone this morning to whine and complain...oh poor me, I am working so much and I'm so tired, well anyway, that will be my next post because the other person told me to write it a week ago...

Shoes without socks

Me again, for .2. Today is going to be like yesterday, extremely busy, stressful, intense, and long. But I need to post because I need to unload the contents of my head more frequently than I am. I'm a little light on meetings (only 2 per week lately) and I'm not necessarily sharing when I go, so, I'm just keep all this shit in my head. So, just checking in here about nothing in particular.

I'm really really tired. But, I am happy report that it is going to be 52 here in Chicago today, and that means - in my book, it is officially the start of sandal season! I don't like to wear shoes, especially shoes with socks, and absolutely no nylons, ever. Now granted, I could wear shoes with no socks all winter in the office, and sometimes I do, but generally I end up wearing shoes that require socks in the winter even when I am inside all day. Not sure why. Actually, I really like to go barefoot in the office. Not all over the building, just literally in my office. I just take my shoes off under my desk, and sometimes I like to sit with my legs crossed in my chair - meditation style or whatever. Okay, I admit it, sometimes I run outside my office door to the printer with no shoes on. Sorry. My feet aren't gross though. I spend hours scrubbing the hell out of them.

I am one of those people that prefers to wear sandals, so maybe I should move to wear I never need shoes, and so I will wear them from, well, as early as is possible without freezing and/or looking like a complete fool, until, hmm, November. Today it is 38, but it will be 52 - so I wore some cute little patent leather ballet flats, no socks, and it makes me happy that I am now sitting here in my office barefoot. That shopping trip I went on last weekend - I bought 5 pair of shoes. 3 sandals and 4 shoes (maybe I will even post photos!), but I am returning one pair of shoes because I detected a slight pinch in one toe.

Okay, here we go again. Brace yourselves for another 12 hour day. I am going to try to post again tonight about some other stuff.

In the middle of the night

I am allotting myself .2 of an hour to post - so I need to be quick. I just haven't had much time to post lately, but I've wanted to. And I can't edit this, so sorry for typos.

Last night, I had the worst night of sleep that I've had in a long time. Almost since I can remember. My sleeping has been pretty good for a long while now, and even when my mind is racing, I am able to put it aside at night. Not last night. I am under intense pressure at work. It isn't just that I'm busy and working a lot of hours - cause that's fine, there is a big difference between being really really busy and being under intense pressure.

I woke up at 1:00 a.m. last night after two hours of sleep. And proceeded to ponder the meaning of life and just exactly where mine seemed to go so horribly wrong, and I was thinking about that and the messy situation I got myself into with someone, and how I couldn't seem to get out of it, among other things, like why I am so unhappy (you know, no major questions) and then it occurred to me, at 1:30 that this deadline that we have at work, is going to be impossible to meet. The only way is going to be if I work this weekend, and maybe next. Great for the hours yes, but the pressure is, well, like I said, intense. And, I had plans this weekend, that probably aren't going to happen.

So I decided to get up and eat cereal, because, you know, maybe I was just hungry since I ate very little for dinner, and maybe the hunger was just masquerading as upset over how my life has turned out and why work seems to come crashing down on me all at once all the time. And so I ate cereal and emailed a friend. And then I thought, after sending the email, perhaps I should check my work email, you know, just to see what is going on in the rest of the world in the middle of last night. Because of the work I do, I get a lot of email in the middle of the night from other lawyers in our offices around the world. And then, as I was holding my blackberry, and thinking about all the times that disaster struck in the middle of the night when I did this very thing - checking work email at 2 a.m., I said to myself - step away from the crackberry.

And so I did, and when I checked my email at 7 a.m. after getting out of the shower, I was glad that I had stepped away from it cause I might have freaked out.

I proceeded to go back to bed and ponder the meaning of life and not sleep. And now here we are on this fine and sunny morning, blogging instead of working, because you know, I miss you.

The thing about this weekend is that I was supposed to go on a women's AA retreat (granted I had mixed feelings about it - but I don't have time to go into it now). And so it's not like I was going to a movie, and darn it, I have to cancel it - this was a bigger deal that I paid kind of a lot of money for. But what can I do? Nothing really. I definitely draw lines around what I am willing to do in terms of my job. I will never cancel a vacation because of my job. Absolutely not - however, I have worked at least a little on every vacation I've ever taken, except perhaps over this past Christmas. I try never to let my job interfere with my personal life, I try to never cancel weekend plans or long weekends - but I am willing to work, say from out of town on a Friday, if I take a long weekend.

But sometimes it happens. I do miss meetings because of my job, occasionally I have had to cancel dinner plans, and yes, sometimes, my weekends don't work out the way I want them to. I'm not complaining. It just is what it is. That's just the kind of job I have and I knew that of course. And frankly, I work a lot less than other people with a job similar to mine (even though I work more than anyone I know, next to my brother at the moment). I am responsible for myself, I do my own thing, keep my own schedule and get my work done. We come and go as we please basically, and can take off pretty much whatever time we want or need, just as long as we get our work done. There is no micro managing, you have to be really good at managing yourself and your own time. And I have to know when it's okay to draw lines and when it's okay to push back and when it's okay to choose my personal plans over my job.

Sometimes it isn't. And now is one of those times. I have to pick and choose and not take advantage of the flexibility I have and the trust for example. Because come the weekend of my birthday, when I want to work from Michigan for the week, well, I want to be in a position to say hey, I'm going to work from Michigan for the week. It just is what it is, and shit, that was more like .4.

Have a lovely day.

You won't hear me complaining

Nope, not me. You won't hear me complaining about how much I worked today. Definitely not, because that would be ridiculous since I recently expressed a concern about not billing enough. So no, I'm not complaining at all. Not even a little.

Sorry for the lack of posting. I'll get back on top of that shortly, I promise. I have much to post about...

Uninspired

I don't know what to say. I feel the same as I did the other day - blah and still reeling from the messy situation I got myself into. I think I've plateaued some where short of depression. I mean, all I can really say is that I'm unhappy - but, what does that mean? I don't feel completely hopeless, only sort of. I feel hopeless that things will ever be okay - but optimistic that I can convince myself to settle for less than what I would have wanted, just so that I feel less disappointed. I'm not quite ready to try to dig myself out of it yet, I think I'd like to sink a little deeper. There is some regularity to the way that my mood cycles actually and so I'm not surprised. This though was brought on by my own doing - that messy situation I vaguely wrote about. Anyway...

It was an average week. Busy at work, but not quite busy enough which stresses me out about my hours. People keep telling me not to worry about it - people who don't have my job and don't get the stress of it. It isn't stressful all the time, just at the beginning and end of the year, but it's always on my mind - I am always aware of whether I am on target because you have to plan for vacation time. I can vacation all I want - assuming I can hit my hours - so, I like to get several weeks banked in the first half of the year so that I don't have to worry about it. I was 150 hours ahead at the end of Oct. - but see, it was slow over the holidays and I took time off and then I had that scare - which probably cost me 50 hours. So I ended up about 30 behind.

Everyone says - of course you will hit your hours, don't worry about it. But the thing is, it's not so obvious that I will hit the requirement. Here's the thing - for me to hit my hours, I have to bill 8.8 hours per day for the next, what is it, 34 work days. Now, granted that doesn't sound that hard - but it is. It means I have to be super efficient - I need to be billing most of the time that I'm there. I can't just work 8.8 hours, I have to bill 8.8 hours. So that means I need a few 10-11 hour days and some hours on some weekends. Because I have practice group meetings, and other non-billable crap, and down time sometimes that I can't do anything about. I mean, I can only have so many time entries that read, 3.5 Professional reading (i.e., the time I spent reading blogs that day).

I didn't mean for this to be a post about how I'm not billing enough. I have no desire to bill anything over the requirement - it isn't worth the bonus money. But I need to hit 2001. If I hit that, part of my bonus is automatic, and, my raise is guaranteed. If I hit 1995, technically, they could deny me my raise. Now, that would be unlikely, but it looks bad to come up 10-20 hours short - cause you know, couldn't you have gotten the extra hours in? Plus, I want my raise. But who cares, right? I'm a rock star at work anyway. I'd be willing to bet money that I'm the most profitable associate in the group, again. That's the thing, the saving grace of it all is that even when I fail miserably as a person and in all other aspects of my life, I'm really good at my job.

Moving on. I'm having major body image problems again. Remember that from a few weeks ago, or was it months ago? Well, I put it aside, and now it's back. It's probably a combo of things. I had myself on a good schedule of working out in January, and then I had that scare and haven't worked out since. Maybe that would help my mood and my body image problems.

In any event, the outlet mall is calling my name. I've decided to give myself permission to by a half new wardrobe. I don't think I need a whole new wardrobe, just half. And I am fully prepared to spend an unlimited amount of money there tomorrow (which of course means I probably won't find one thing since I've convinced myself to spend money). I'm weird about money. It causes me a lot of stress and I tend to not buy myself very much. It makes me feel better to have a very large amount sitting there, just in case. I can always talk myself out of buying something that I want, because I don't *need* it. I'm extremely well budgeted and very good at saving. I've been spending money lately though, like I have a ridiculous amount. It's like my frame of reference has shifted or something. And because I know exactly how much money I expect to have sitting in my hoard by February 28th 2009, assuming everything goes according to plan, spending even several thousand on clothes tomorrow seems utterly insignificant. And anyway, I'll be surprised if I even spend a few hundred.

I know, I know. I should probably be making a gratitude list. Because when did several thousand dollars suddenly become a drop in the bucket. It used to be that I would freak out if I spent 200. These days, I spend more than that to park the car every month. I probably sound like an obnoxious, ungrateful person, among other things. Well, I'm not. And anyway, I'm just buying all new clothes because I am trying to make myself feel better about myself. More later.

Slip, slip, slipping away

I'm slipping into a depression - well, or what "depression" looks like for me - it may not fit the technical definition of the word. I can tell that's where I'm headed. I can't remember the last time this happened. See, it's been a while and I've been pretty stable lately. I'd have to look back through the blog to figure out the last time that I plummeted. Except this time it feels more like a slow descent where as it usually feels like the bottom falls out, suddenly and without warning. And you might think I could put the brakes on then, you know, because it's like I'm watching this happen from outside of myself in slow motion, but I don't feel like it. I'd rather just ride the elevator down and then watch myself sit there. I have no motivation. I can't concentrate at work. I have to bill hours - I have to catch back up - I have two months to hit hours, and every day I just pray that I wake up late. I try to wake up late. It doesn't work, but I try.

What I really want right now is to take what we program people call the geographic cure. I want to up and move and be someone else, somewhere else. Except that I have no illusions about that, I know it doesn't work, but that's what I want to do. I'm not going to, but I want to. I want to badly. I'm somewhat of an escape artist when it comes to feeling things. I'm an avoider.

I have one observation to make at the moment before I try to go to sleep and stay asleep for as long as possible. I'm unhappy. Well, no shit. But I mean, I don't think I've really been happy, ever, and not since I got here to Chicago, that's for sure. But I know it isn't the fact that I'm here. It's just me. It's me and I don't feel like changing so I'm stuck. A friend reminded me the other day of one of his favorite things to remind me 0f - "happiness is not a destination," he tells me. And I always say, "yeah, but I just know I'll be happy when I get there."

The book meme

Niobe tagged me for the book meme - so, here goes! Directions: Pick up the closest book. Open the book, turn to page 123, count down to the fifth sentence on that page, and then post the next three sentences. I tag Nina, Trey and Aunt Becky.

The book is: One Breath at a Time, Buddhism and the Twelve Steps, by Kevin Griffin.

"And I've also convinced myself that I'm with Cat because she needs my help. I take cocaine with her so that I'll be on her level and she'll be able to receive my spiritual message. The layers of self-deception are manifold."

Ah yes, self-deception - the layers, numerous and varied, of many kinds. I find it amazing sometimes how we deceive ourselves. Just how easy it is to convince ourselves of something - to lie to ourselves and believe that it's true. We (meaning I) do it, thinking we can get away with something. And then it doesn't work that way. It doesn't work that way because deep down you know you can't lie, even to yourself and get away with it. Once the denial has been lifted, you can't get it back.

Could the sentence have been more appropriate?

I'm getting off topic, but here's the thing, I did this to myself. This shitty place that I'm sitting right now, I did it to myself. And the reason is simple. It says it on page 62 of the Big Book, "Selfishness - self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt us, seemingly without provocation, but we invariably find that at some time in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt. So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making. They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so."

From an undisclosed location

I set out about finding the answer to a question (actually a couple of questions) that has bothered me for a long time. And what I found out is that there are questions that are meant to remain unanswered. There are things you simply aren't supposed to know, and those things that you wanted to happen, so badly that you thought you couldn't live if they didn't - there is a reason things didn't work out that way. There is always a reason. And it's probably a good one and it probably isn't for you to know or understand. And yeah, maybe this goes along the lines of saying everything happens for a reason - and sometimes I believe that and sometimes I don't - but I can tell you that I won't go venturing to prove it again or to find out just what lies beneath the way that things are or turn out to be. Sometimes the *why* behind it is worse than just the fact of it.

I've been asking myself a lot lately if it's better to know the answer to the question or to live with the uncertainty - and I guess you would say that it depends on the question. But it depends on the answer also. And the thing is, even when you know the answer, that doesn't make setting out to verify it less painful when it turns out just exactly and horribly as painful as you knew it could be. Whether or not it's better to know the answer or to live with the uncertainty is something you can only know, well, after you know the answer. And then it's too late. I decided to go walking down a road that I've been down before - metaphorically of course - it's a road that I've been down so many times that I can find my way in the dark, in the silence, just by the feel of it. It's a road that doesn't go anywhere, and I know that. But I go walking down it as if just one of these times it is going to lead to the place that I want it to lead to. But it doesn't, and it isn't going to.

Going down that road is pretty easy and familiar. Coming back, however, is not. Because walking in the other direction - the road is different. It's different every time you have to come back. You hope that the unintended consequences of what you were trying to discover are, well, possible to live through - or stay sober through - that's what I really mean. That's the most important. I suppose though that the ability to stay sober through something is not the best indicator of whether or not to do it. I mean, knowing that you can walk down a street lined with bars and all of your worst temptations, and get to other end in tact and sober, doesn't mean you aren't going to be completely and totally fucked up when you get to the other side. Knowing what taking responsibility means shouldn't be used as an excuse - you say to yourself, but if I don't make it to the other end of the street - well, I choose that, and I take responsibility for it. So sometimes, taking responsibility turns into an excuse to make a wrong choice, when what you would really do, if you were behaving in a really sober manner and taking responsibility, is to choose differently. That's how you take responsibility, by making a right choice.

I'm getting off track. I probably don't need to tell you that I wish I had not walked this way this time. Most times, I don't feel that way. But this time is different. I think it was inevitable that I would find myself here though. Because I think I needed to have the answers to the questions in order to move beyond the things that I was unable to move beyond. At least that was what I thought before I was sitting here. What I set out to find the answer to, are some of the questions that lie at the very heart of what has made me unhappy and what has gone wrong in my life. This is one of those moments when, like in the process of coming into AA, the illusion is yanked off of everything, suddenly and all at once, and you know that things will never be the same.

I hope I find my way back in tact this one last time. Just a couple of hours ago - I wasn't so sure that I was going to. I went to a meeting and I shared about what was going on with me - and I was talking to this woman after the meeting and she said she would never forget me - and that she knew my higher power had something in store for me - because I wasn't done with what I needed to do yet. And we also talked about the Serenity Prayer and how in accepting something, you give it back to your higher power in faith. Lack of faith is the reason I am sitting here right now. And people always say that the opposite of faith - is fear. The less faith you have, the greater the fear you will be living in. That's definitely true for me.

Well, anyway, I won't be coming this way again.

Edited to add: morning changes everything. Things always look different in the morning. The realizations that come out of these situations are many and varied. Sometimes I think the best way to tell whether or not you have changed is just to pause for a moment and look around yourself. And what I realized, during that moment when I slowed down just enough to consider it, is this - it is painfully and excruciatingly obvious, and pointedly clear, that if I had changed, even a little in the past two years, I wouldn't be sitting here.