When It Suddenly Becomes Enough To Just Be Alive

The most difficult part of surviving breast cancer has been the risk to my fertility. It is one thing when you choose not to have children. It is something completely different when you have the choice taken from you. Not only taken from you, but taken from you in a whirlwind of decision making and fear. The most anger that I felt when the shock wore off was over the potential loss of my fertility. I felt angry that I had accomplished just about everything else I had set out to do in my life and the one thing that I really felt I still wanted and that I really felt was important to me, was taken, unfairly. I struggled through wondering how I would live the rest of my life with that and not knowing whether I could or whether I could find purpose and meaning in my life. The birth of my nephew was bitter sweet. I struggle constantly with why I can't just be happy. Why isn't it enough too just be alive?

I've been waiting since September to know whether my fertility would come back. I am not the most patient person. Actually, I am not patient at all. I've prayed a lot, not for my fertility, but for God's will. Only once have I asked for my fertility. Instead, I say, "thy will, not mine, be done." I've done a lot of reading lately on how to attain conscious contact with God - and I remind myself constantly, that God can do anything and that God will help you do anything he asks you to do. When I say the serenity prayer, I say, God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, my fertility, the courage to change the things I can, my attitude, and the wisdom to know the difference. I pray for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out and I pray for knowledge of the purpose of my life that is independent of me.

Christmas was hard. I love my nephew in a way I can't describe, but the pain cut almost as deeply. I fluctuate between gratitude for everything that I do have and sadness and anger over the things that I don't have. But I have been striving for acceptance. One of my friends reminded me recently that God doesn't save you only to let you drown. And I try to remember that when I don't get what I want, when things don't work out the way I want them to - they usually work out better. Even if what I get turns out to be completely different than what I hoped for, I have to have faith that the outcome will be greater than I can even imagine.

I've thought a lot lately about what else to do with my life or how to find meaning or how to help someone else. I've thought a lot about what the point might be and I believe that there is one - a point to my life that is beyond me because God saved me twice in one year and gave me this incredible story to tell. I started a college fund for my nephew for Christmas, knowing that if I never have my own children, or maybe even if I do, I will be able to pay for my brother's to go to college - I hope.

Today I was making my bed, thinking about powerlessness, thinking about acceptance. Thinking about the process of achieving it and the negotiation phase of the process. There was a time at the beginning of this when I thought I would not choose my life. If given the option, I would not give up my fertility in exchange for my life. I thought about the things that I am really grateful for today - and that is simply my life - that I get to live and live from the perspective of someone who almost didn't get to - that because of that perspective, I can live with a greater appreciation of what ultimately matters. When I thought about it today, I thought, I would choose to live, if given the option. A few hours later, God blessed me again with my fertility.

Volkswagen Sucks

I drive a 2006 Volkswagen Passat and if you are ever thinking of getting a Volkswagen, don't. The dealer in Ann Arbor and downtown Chicago both suck for different reasons, but the manufacturer really sucks. I drive a brand new car and my check engine light comes on all the time. I've been caught up in a battle with Volkswagen customer care and the corporate headquarters in Michigan since summer over why I think Volkswagen should replace my car. At the beginning of this argument, I didn't really think they should necessarily replace it. Now I am so annoyed that I feel entitled to a new car. The problem is, until my check engine light comes on for the same reason three times, I can't really go after them under Michigan lemon law. Every time the check engine light comes on, it's for a different reason - I'm hung up on a technicality in the way the law is written. This, however, is a matter of interpretation and I personally think I can argue that they should replace my car under the law. I can argue for almost anything, so, this technicality in the law hasn't stopped me from arguing with them and sending a letter to the head of the corporate office in Rochester. The people at customer care are complete assholes. They have threatened to stop talking to me if I threaten them with a lawsuit again. I tried the better business bureau but I don't want to deal with arbitration.

Anyway, two days ago, I dropped my car off at the dealer in Chicago for an oil change and 20K service. I asked for the price sheet and list of everything included in the service. I was hesitant to take my car there - the last time I took it there for the check engine light, the dealer drove all of the gas out of it. When I picked it up, the car was 2 miles to empty - the refuel light comes on at 45 miles. I registered a complaint with the idiots at customer care. So, I thought the price was kind of high so I called the dealer in Michigan to see how much the service is there. Much to my surprise, it was $230 cheaper in Ann Arbor. While I agree that the cost of labor could be more in Chicago, this seemed ridiculous to me. So I asked them in Chicago why it cost so much more and asked if I could fax the price sheet from Ann Arbor over for comparison because I just didn't see that the Chicago dealer was providing $230 more worth of service. Was I taking this too far - trying to get cheaper car service, or was I being taken advantage of by the asshole at the dealership who apparently thought I was stupid?

I faxed the price sheet from my work email - which happens to state "Attorny at Law" in the signature line. Ten minutes later the dealer called to apologize - saying, we are so sorry, we quoted you the wrong price. (I thought, yeah, I know you did). The price we quoted was for the wrong engine - and we will give you an additional discount. Clearly this person thought I was just a stupid woman who didn't know what I was doing. Little did he know.... I don't appreciate being taken advantage of in these types of situations. It really pisses me off. Sometimes, it comes in handy to be able to sneak in there somewhere that I am a lawyer. Anyway, I picked up my car, only to find that they had driven it 40 miles, which seems a bit excessive for the "road test" portion of the service. I won't bother registering another complaint though. They make it more trouble than it is worth. One time, the so called "highest" person that I could possibly talk to at Volkswagen customer care told me that they don't have anyone in the company who handles replacement vehicles and he flat out refused to connect me to anyone else. What a crock of shit. So, I'll just keep waiting for my check engine light to continue to come on until I can eventually get myself a new car - and you know I will!

Mmmm Tasty (and I Get the Hint)

So I just got back from spending time with my brother and sister-in-law at my sister-in-law's parents house in Indiana - lovingly referred to as "down on the farm." I haven't really taken the time to post about it or about spending time with my nephew, but I had a great time and it was hard to leave knowing that I won't see them again until probably mid May. I got to eat my all time favorite thing for breakfast, twice. Biscuits and sausage gravy. I have no idea why I love this so much. In fact, I had never eaten it before until visiting the farm years ago. Actually, I've only ever eaten it at the farm - I think I might have eaten one other person's poor attempt at making this. It's like eating pure fat. I love it. It even looks like pure fat. You know when you cook something that is greasy and then put the leftovers in the fridge and the fat congeals into that whitish color when it gets cold. That's what it looks like - it's that color. My second favorite thing to eat for breakfast - grapefruit.

Anyway, this post is an attempt at sitting still. I got back to Chicago today and immediately began to tear the house apart like a crazy person. Now it is a disaster and I am going to have to put it back together, but a friend suggested that I try sitting still for a while. No need to tear the entire house apart in one day. So I decided to pull out these cards from my friend Claire and select one to meditate on. They are self-care cards and there are 52 of them. They say different things like "boundaries," "relaxation," "goals," "progress" etc. There is a phrase on the back of each one - "Set boundaries." "Protect your precious time and energy."

When Claire gave me these cards, I decided to pull one out twice a day when I pray, once in the morning and once at night. The first time I pulled "retreat." "Listen to the voice of your soul." That night, I shuffled the cards and I pulled "retreat." The next morning, I shuffled the cards and I pulled "retreat." That night, I shuffled the cards and I pulled "retreat." What are the odds of this? Okay, I get it, I am supposed to retreat! Finally, I pulled two different cards, "playfulness" and "goals." It's been a few days since I've pulled one because I did not take them to Indiana with me. I just sat down, I shuffled them and I pulled "retreat." Okay, seriously, I get the hint.

Anyway, I promise I'll post about the past two weeks that I spent with family later tonight and I will include some pictures!

Merry Christmas and happy holidays!

If My Life Had a Title

I don't really have any thing to write, but I feel like I should post. Actually, I probably have tons to write, but don't really have time to sort it out. I've just had a week off of work and my first day back I worked from 7 until 7. Oh well, I can't really complain. I just spent a week with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew who are visiting from Germany and I honestly enjoyed the time I spent with them more than I ever have before. I think it is my slightly improved ability to live in the moment - a by product of thinking I was going to die of breast cancer. Although I am still not great at it - living in the moment - I've noticed a drastic improvement.

We celebrated my AA anniversary which was amazing. One of my friends presented me with a token at a meeting and then as scary as it was, I had to go up and get it and say something. But it was really amazing actually. I don't know where the words came from, but I think I might have helped a few people that night. I hope anyway. Then I came back to Chicago to celebrate my anniversary here and that was amazing also. It sort of made me want to get more involved in the program and it definitely made me feel extremely grateful for a lot of things. Anyway, it was good to see family and friends. I am heading back down to my sister-in-laws later today to spend a few more days with my family. I'll post pictures soon of my cute nephew.

My brother wrote a post the other day called the "The Wheels Have Come Off." All I could think was that if my life had a title, it would be that. That's how it feels. It's always felt that way though. I don't think I've ever not felt that way. It's like a constant but sudden feeling of something coming apart and it could be dangerous, but I get through it almost unscathed. The feeling of panic you must feel when the wheel suddenly comes off your car while driving down the road - that's how my life feels. It's always felt like it could be good, it could be really good, but a part is missing. And just when I think I've found or replaced or have the part, something else falls off suddenly. I am quite sure that the missing part is something inside myself and I am sure I will be reminded by several people reading this that the problem is most definitely me. At any rate, I really don't want this to be the title of my life. My relationship has just come undone and while I am not surprised at all, maybe this is why I am feeling especially like things are coming apart.

I guess that is all for now. I'll try to sort something out to write about while I am "down on the farm."

Happy One Year Anniversary

Today is my one year annivesary!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'll post soon...I am in Indiana with my brother, sister-in-law and nephew and am traveling to Michigan tomorrow to spend some time with family there. Hopefully I will have pictures of me and Ellis to post soon! He's super cute. We have similar hair dos right now! Ha ha. My hair has been growing for about two months and is about an inch long. I'm too chicken to unveil it in public. I have more hair than my nephew, but I think his is longer on top!

Gratitude For My Car (Am I Lazy, or Is It Convenient?)

Or am I procrastinating at work? I think I might be lazy about this, but I actually rationalize it well. It does happen to be very convenient and as I was driving across downtown Chicago, on lower wacker to avoid traffic, this morning - in the pouring rain (it is 50 and raining in Chicago today - in mid December), I was very grateful for my car. Cause what would I do if my oh so real looking fake (but actually real) hair got wet? It wouldn't be good. This morning, for 14 dollars, I went from my parking garage at home to my parking garage at work, without setting foot in the pouring rain.

The thing is, I do this every day - rain, shine, snow, 20, 75. If I can get to the parking garage at work by 8, it costs me 14 dollars for the whole day. This seems really reasonable for downtown Chicago. If I can't get to the parking garage by 8, then I park across the street - and yes, walk outside, for 13 dollars. If it's raining, and after 8, I pay 23 to park under my building. I once went 3 days without ever setting foot outside in the beautiful Chicago air. It actually did happen to be beautiful these particular three days, 75 and sunny. I went to Dominicks (the grocery store), Trader Joe's, Target, my office, the hospital - all without going outside. I just went from one parking garage to another.

When I moved here I thought - how great it will be to live in a place with really good public transportation. I'll never drive. If I don't drive, then it costs me 2 dollars to take a bus to work, 2 dollars to take a train to a meeting, and then about 8 to take a cab home. I figure this way, I pay 14 dollars for the convenience of my car and I just park at the meetings - which is surprisingly easy. It costs basically the same amount and then I am not at the whim of the public transportation. I've missed meetings before waiting for trains. You probably wonder why I don't take something besides a cab home for two dollars? I'd have to take a bus and a train and in the winter it starts to get dark here at 3:45. So, for only 6 dollars more a day, I have the convenience of my car - or about 120 a month.

What this all boils down to, is that when I move next, I won't live in the West Loop. It's far more convenient to live just a little bit north where I can walk home from meetings. I would go to more meetings actually and probably never drive to work. It's much easier to take a train from Old Town - two red line stops north of my office - than it is for me to get here from where I live which is technically closer. So, am I lazy or is it just too convenient? Or am I making excuses for not going to more meetings? Anyway, I am sure people are horrified that I am currently spending 280 a month driving to work. When I look at it that way, I'm a little horrified too. Will I stop? In April probably when it warms up and doesn't get dark so early. So, until then, I'll spend about another 840 dollars on parking.

Nothing To Report

Hello everyone. Apparently people have been checking for something to read and I haven't posted anything. I haven't really had time. I've been sick for over a week and in Michigan the past two weekends. My brother, sister-in-law and nephew arrive on Wed. which I am super excited about and I have a week off of work! As of tomorrow, 5:15 central time, I will officially be a breast cancer survivor. Yeah me! And this Th. the 14th is my one year AA anniversary. Again, good job me! Hard to believe that I just went through what I went through sober. The past year of my life feels like a dream and I keep hoping I wake up.

Really, I have nothing to report. My job has slowed down (although not enough that I should be writing this while at work) and knowing I am taking some time off has pretty much obliterated my motivation. Right now all I really care about is getting my time entered and cleaning out my email for the flood of traffic that will come in while I am gone - as if I won't be checking it every day.

Anyway, I am a little sad that I will be spending my actual one year anniversary in a town where I have never been to a meeting before. I've only gone to one meeting out of town - so not in Ann Arbor or Chicago. It was in Florida. You know what is really weird actually, thinking about that meeting - there was a guy there at the meeting from the program in Ann Arbor - he was on a trip in Florida at the same time. How strange is that? Small world I guess - or small recovery community.

I am looking forward to spending some time with close friends and family though and am really happy to get to spend my anniversary with so many people I care about. I have like 14 people coming to dinner and the meeting where my friend Pam will give me my token. Honestly, I sort of feel stupid now that all these people are coming - like this isn't that big of a deal. Then again, I just covered every major life stress in my first year of sobriety. Next year, I hope literally nothing happens. I hope I am bored, the entire year.

Okay, well, no time to spell check this - I have to get back to work. Hopefully I will get to post some pictures of me and my nephew soon!

God Bless Whoever Left the Note On My Car

(The program of AA says that I should pray for those I dislike. I should say, God bless you, and change me).

Dear whoever you are,

(You are an asshole). God bless you and I hope you have a happy holiday season. I pray that God removes from you, every single character defect that led to you leaving a nasty note on my car - calling me names and describing how you felt that I parked too close to the yellow line and prevented you from comfortably exiting your car. Seriously, I feel sorry for you for a number of reasons that I won't waste my time going into. Instead, I will pray for your happiness this holiday season.

Just in case you didn't notice this morning when you parked your car, I PARKED FIRST. And for future reference, next time you consider parking next to me, or anyone for that matter, and you feel that I (we) have parked too close to the yellow line, or you feel that the space is just too small for you to comfortably exit your vehicle, by all means, feel free to park some where else.

Trust me, we won't mind. Thanks and happy holidays. I hope you feel stupid.

Sincerely,

Me

All It Takes Are Two Stupid Drunk People

All it takes are two stupid drunk people to ruin a great show. Actually, it probably only takes one drunk person - but in this case, there were two. I went to the Ray LaMontagne show at the Masonic Temple - it was in the Scottish Rite Cathedral part of the theater. I had never been to a show here before, and the short story is that I'll never go to a show there again, and if I ever go see Ray again, I'll see him in Chicago. The show was great, but the crowd was awful. This was the worst crowd I have ever been at a concert with. Not only was the crowd bad, the people working at the venue were horrible.

To begin with, they let people in the doors at 6, possibly earlier, when Ray didn't come on until nearly 8:45. So generally, everyone was drunk by the time he sang. When it was time to open the doors of the theater - several people, including my friend and I, walked right in a side door without presenting our ticket or being searched. Everyone who entered the right way got their purse searched and were checked with a wand. This seems safe. It's actually funny that Ray's opener posted on her blog that Ray was scared of the venue and scared to play there. As he obviously should have been. Anyway, the show started off great, until the two stupid drunk people went down in front of the stage and flailed their arms wildly in a hideous display of what was supposed to be dancing. Soon after, the two drunk idiots were joined by a third, and then it was all over.

People flooded the stage, stood in the aisle way, stood right in front of the front row. Then the inevitable happened. Row one stood up and row two couldn't see. Row two stood up and row three couldn't see. And so on. We were in row 4 and had great seats, until everyone stood up in front of us. Soon we were all standing. This just wasn't the type of venue for this or the type of show. And there was nothing the venue staff could have done about it - they clearly had no control as we entered from the side to begin with.

Up above our heads a few more drunk people sat on the ledge of a balcony and at one point, one person needed out of our row and in the process, we knocked the row of seats over onto the people behind us, because obviously these seats were not bolted to the floor. As lame as this is - all I could think was - this is one great big huge LIABILITY. It screams of liability. Just imagine if one of those drunk people fell off of the balcony and landed on ME, crushing the people behind as the row of seats fell over. They would be sorry if I were the one they landed on. I half feel like calling them and complaining. One time, I was going to call up the electric company and bitch them out for my brother because he had no electricity in the dead of winter for 3 days. I'm good at this kind of thing - not that I should be proud of that.

I hope Ray never plays in Detroit again.

Anyway, the drunk people stood in the way and yelled and screamed stupid shit to Ray through the entire show. He barely said a word, other than thank you. And at the end he expressed his gratitude in such a nice way that I thought - you dumb fucking assholes. Then, on the way out - all the stupid drunk people just stood there and looked at the revolving door whirl by - too drunk probably to figure out how to get in it. Ah well, no one got hurt and fun was had by all and he sounded phenomenal. And at the end of the night, what a great reminder of why I want to be sober.