It has been far too long since I last posted - two weeks almost. Maybe that's why my mind is going crazy - running wild, full of unprocessed stuff. My mind is funny that way - I think it is mostly due to fear and anxiety. I was just talking to my brother today about the crazy way my mind works - the way it makes things up, exaggerates things, carries them way out of proportion. What I told him was that in my mind today - I am both unemployed and dead. There is reality, and there is what goes on in my head. I am at work right now, writing this post. Very much employed and alive. That is reality, but it is not the reality that I am engaged in.
I have no real excuse for not posting anything, except that nothing has happened. My life has taken on a rather boring pattern of working a lot and going to meetings. Working and going to meetings, working and going to meetings. My life seems predictable, uneventful and down right boring. Granted, boring is what I was hoping for, but without the drama, the chaos, the uncertainty - without the "situation" to manage and get through - I begin to feel a little lost. I used to be comfortable with chaos and totally uncomfortable without it. Slowly, really slowly, I have noticed the shift taking place. My job gets stressful and suddenly it doesn't feel so good. I stir up some other emotional crap in my life, and suddenly it doesn't feel so good. I am becoming comfortable with the comfortable and that shows tremendous progress.
Before I got sober, I had no emotion - I couldn't feel anything but anger. This came much to my surprise because I never consciously drank to numb out or mask anything. It just happened that I felt nothing, ever - drinking or not. Sadness, fear, anxiety, pain - it all came out as anger. I worked with a therapist on this for a while - we used to go through this set of questions where she would try to get me to describe what something would feel like and name the emotion. All I could ever say was I think this or I think that. Rarely, if ever, could I describe a feeling, or even label it. It was like the mind and physical connection just wasn't there. I wasn't registering anything. I remember when the feeling kicked back in - after all that time of not feeling anything and not even knowing it - it came over me in a wave that almost knocked me over. I remember thinking that it might be strong enough to kill me.
Since then, my ability to feel things is spotty at best. Sometimes I enjoy the flatness and the consistency, rather than feeling up and down and all over the place. A constant state of numbness, of nothingness, unaffected by anything. Sometimes I think that I am feeling things, only to find out that I wasn't - my sponsor is actually quite good at catching this in me. I say to her - no, everything is good, everything is fine - I feel fine - I'm fine. And then again, a wave of pain or fear washes over me, suffocates me, paralyzes me. Last night, in just such a moment, I realized that I have registered virtually no emotion in a couple of months. I don't really know why it works this way - this all or nothing. I am angry, my favorite emotion, but I am also sad. I am sad and mostly I am just really afraid.
I go from nothing to unable to stop crying. Last night I was sitting there saying - why am I so angry about my job - I must be afraid - what am I afraid of right now? And then it dawned on me. I have to go for the first of many follow up mammograms next week. My mortality in front of me, again, the fragility of my life, everything I want and hope for - feeling as if it will be ripped right out from underneath me, the fear that everyone I know will get to go on without me - it is crushing, overwhelming, terrifying, painful. It is indescribable. It is almost unbearable.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Can You Think of Something More Embarassing Than Sober Karaoke?
Yeah, me neither. That is why I was merely an observer of last night's activities. Karaoke, in a Korean "restaurant" (not sure what it was exactly), in some strip mall full of nothing but Korean restaurants, way north of the city - this goes on my list of things I can only do while intoxicated - which means I won't ever be doing it! I am happy to say though that this is perhaps the only thing that falls on my list of things that can only be done while intoxicated. The list used to be longer. It used to include bowling and dancing. Ha ha!
Anyway, we were celebrating a friend's three year sober anniversary, there was cake, horrible singing, and good times had by all. It was a blast actually. People often ask me what exactly we do on the weekends. What could there possibly be to do besides go to bar and drink, or a club and drink, or sit at some one's house and drink? That's what I thought when I first got sober - what will I do with all of my time? Turns out I don't have nearly as much time on my hands as I would have guessed. My time is pretty much filled up between working, going to meetings, speaking at meetings, going for coffee etc. What do we do on the weekend - we do the same things "normal" people do. With the exception of going to meetings that is.
We have parties, we hang out at people's houses, we go to movies, watch movies, we go to dinner, for coffee, shopping, go bowling, do karaoke, go to comedy clubs, celebrate birthdays, weddings, etc. - we do what you do, we just do it all sober. I can honestly say that of all of the things that I have done both while drinking and while sober, everything is a million times more enjoyable if you do it sober. No question about it. It is even more fun to watch karaoke sober. It makes me kind of wonder what's wrong with all of the people who keep asking me what exactly we do on the weekends, like we are aliens or something - like it is so hard to imagine a life that doesn't include sitting in bars and drinking. I used to have a hard time imaging that - it is that point where you can't live with it and you can't live without it.
I remember thinking that right before I figured out it was a problem. Anyway, so far my weekend has been pretty much like everyone else's, I went to karaoke to support a friend, went to dinner, worked out, spoke at a meeting, and now I am going to a movie and then to dinner. Tomorrow I will go to another meeting, hopefully meet someone for coffee, do some laundry, and maybe clean. All perfectly normal stuff - except that I get to do it all feeling perfectly rested, without a terrible headache or a messed up stomach, and without any regrets (or unknowns) about the night before. At this point, I can't imagine any other way. My life has evolved into something quite normal and quite enjoyable, and although AA is an integral part of my life, it is only a part. I still have a life.
Just an update - my heat is still off!!
Anyway, we were celebrating a friend's three year sober anniversary, there was cake, horrible singing, and good times had by all. It was a blast actually. People often ask me what exactly we do on the weekends. What could there possibly be to do besides go to bar and drink, or a club and drink, or sit at some one's house and drink? That's what I thought when I first got sober - what will I do with all of my time? Turns out I don't have nearly as much time on my hands as I would have guessed. My time is pretty much filled up between working, going to meetings, speaking at meetings, going for coffee etc. What do we do on the weekend - we do the same things "normal" people do. With the exception of going to meetings that is.
We have parties, we hang out at people's houses, we go to movies, watch movies, we go to dinner, for coffee, shopping, go bowling, do karaoke, go to comedy clubs, celebrate birthdays, weddings, etc. - we do what you do, we just do it all sober. I can honestly say that of all of the things that I have done both while drinking and while sober, everything is a million times more enjoyable if you do it sober. No question about it. It is even more fun to watch karaoke sober. It makes me kind of wonder what's wrong with all of the people who keep asking me what exactly we do on the weekends, like we are aliens or something - like it is so hard to imagine a life that doesn't include sitting in bars and drinking. I used to have a hard time imaging that - it is that point where you can't live with it and you can't live without it.
I remember thinking that right before I figured out it was a problem. Anyway, so far my weekend has been pretty much like everyone else's, I went to karaoke to support a friend, went to dinner, worked out, spoke at a meeting, and now I am going to a movie and then to dinner. Tomorrow I will go to another meeting, hopefully meet someone for coffee, do some laundry, and maybe clean. All perfectly normal stuff - except that I get to do it all feeling perfectly rested, without a terrible headache or a messed up stomach, and without any regrets (or unknowns) about the night before. At this point, I can't imagine any other way. My life has evolved into something quite normal and quite enjoyable, and although AA is an integral part of my life, it is only a part. I still have a life.
Just an update - my heat is still off!!
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Now It Is a Matter of Principle
So, it is February 4th, and -3 degrees in Chicago, and I don't have the heat on. This is a bit of a mystery to me - but until yesterday, it was actually quite warm in my condo - it has been a constant 70 degrees ever since shutting the air conditioning off at the end of last summer. Maybe it is because the units are made entirely of concrete? I'm just not sure - the hallway seems rather cold. Maybe it is because I live on the 7th floor and the people below me are heating my unit? I don't know. Maybe none of us have to turn the heat on.
Anyway - it's kind of nice actually. My gas bill is only 10 dollars a month. The gas company tried to bill me 36 dollars last month and when I called to find out why, she told me that a gas bill of 10 dollars in the month of January surely must be incorrect - and on the theory that "something must be wrong" they simply jacked up my gas bill without reading the meter. This has since been corrected.
I have to say though, with the temperature being in the negatives, my condo has gotten a little colder - about 68 degrees. Without turning on the heat, I doubt it will get warmer until winter is over. I contemplated turning the heat on, but instead I put on more clothes. It isn't that I can't afford to pay the gas bill if I turn on the heat - I simply think that if I can make it all the way to February 4th without turning the heat on, I must be able to make it through the entire winter. Who am I trying to impress here? As if anyone would be impressed by this. Am I going to let myself suffer? How cold is it going to get in here before I turn the heat on? It's really become a matter of principle, but a rather stupid one actually. Nevertheless, I will try to make it to spring without turning on my heat, just so I can say that I did. What exactly though will be the occasion for this conversation? "Guess what? I didn't have to turn my heat on this winder." "So."
Anyway - it's kind of nice actually. My gas bill is only 10 dollars a month. The gas company tried to bill me 36 dollars last month and when I called to find out why, she told me that a gas bill of 10 dollars in the month of January surely must be incorrect - and on the theory that "something must be wrong" they simply jacked up my gas bill without reading the meter. This has since been corrected.
I have to say though, with the temperature being in the negatives, my condo has gotten a little colder - about 68 degrees. Without turning on the heat, I doubt it will get warmer until winter is over. I contemplated turning the heat on, but instead I put on more clothes. It isn't that I can't afford to pay the gas bill if I turn on the heat - I simply think that if I can make it all the way to February 4th without turning the heat on, I must be able to make it through the entire winter. Who am I trying to impress here? As if anyone would be impressed by this. Am I going to let myself suffer? How cold is it going to get in here before I turn the heat on? It's really become a matter of principle, but a rather stupid one actually. Nevertheless, I will try to make it to spring without turning on my heat, just so I can say that I did. What exactly though will be the occasion for this conversation? "Guess what? I didn't have to turn my heat on this winder." "So."
Saturday, February 03, 2007
The First Step To Freeing Yourself - Actually, the Fourth Step
Okay - people are bothering me to post something - and it isn't that I don't want to. In fact, I would like to start posting more. There is a lot on my mind. Namely because of speaking at meetings - besides my Wednesday meeting that I am speaking at right now over the next few weeks, and the dreaded open talk I have to give in March, I am speaking next Sat. on the 11th step - which is - "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us, and the power to carry that out."
I take this way too seriously - speaking at meetings - I really put a lot of thought into what I say, really trying to carry the message. So, this Wednesday, I have decided to talk about steps 4 and 5 - the searching and fearless moral inventory. Mainly because the focus of the meeting is on change in sobriety with an emphasis on steps 6 and 7 (the steps related to your character defects) and how can you free yourself of your character defects without first identifying them? You can't. The way I see it, you pretty much have to do the steps in order at some point. At meeting after meeting I hear people talk about how they have been sober for years and years without doing an inventory and they express how much fear they have around doing it, so they simply avoid it. I completed my first inventory and 5th step by my second 30 day AA anniversary - for me, I could not have stayed sober for years, or even months for that matter, without getting this vital step done.
I understand the fear that people associate with an inventory though. It basically asks you to review your entire life and tell another person every last little deep dark secret that you have been keeping. I personally am all too aware of how dangerous an inventory can be. In ACOA I did two of them, the ACOA way and unsupervised (I had no sponsor to guide me). The result was that I damn near killed myself - but instead, I just drank a lot. Six months later I landed at an AA meeting, and now my entire life has changed. Anyway, the point is - an inventory done wrong can be extremely dangerous, but an inventory done the right way can be incredibly powerful and very freeing.
The problem with the ACOA inventory is that it simply asks you to list your character defects. How the hell am I supposed to know what those are? When I did the first inventory, I hated myself. I had no self-esteem and no self-respect, I had been treated terribly in relationships and I blamed myself for everything. And I, me, this person with no self-esteem, was supposed to sit there and list my own character defects? You can see why this wouldn't work. The AA inventory is done totally differently - you identify the patterns and from there the character defects and you get at the patterns by looking closely at your resentments, fears, harms to others etc. It's really clever actually and I didn't understand until I did it, why it would work. In any event - among other things, I realized that I am utterly incapable of accurate self assessment. Even on a good day, on a clear headed and really spiritual day, a really positive day, I am basically incapable of accurate self assessment.
Anyway, I feel like I was given this amazing gift when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (um, hello - I can't believe I just wrote that) - it was a chance to look at my own life from a perspective that most people don't get to see their own life from - or at least, most people don't do this until much later in life and often when it is too late. I might have said before that there is something tremendously powerful about facing your own mortality and then getting to continue to live - you get to live completely differently. You get to live the authentic life you always wanted, you get to be the person you want to be, you get to live with no regrets. That is the biggest gift I got from surviving breast cancer - the chance to live differently. I remember during the process, begging God to please just let me live so that I could experience life differently. Well, I feel like that's the chance we are all given when we come into AA. We just don't always appreciate it as such. I am not sure I would have understood this either, simply by coming into AA - it took something far more devastating for me to get this.
In a sense it is very similar though - you are facing your own mortality - alcoholism can and will kill you. You are given a chance to review your life in its entirety, to learn from it and then to live it differently. Why would someone not take this opportunity? This is not something most people ever get to do. The chance to do this is a tremendous gift - the power of which I cannot even describe to you. The catch though is that you actually have to do it - despite the fear of what you might uncover, you have to do the inventory. My life changed when I did this - my program changed, my sobriety changed and I started to change. It was the most freeing thing I've ever done. (Taking off my fake hair comes in second)!!
I take this way too seriously - speaking at meetings - I really put a lot of thought into what I say, really trying to carry the message. So, this Wednesday, I have decided to talk about steps 4 and 5 - the searching and fearless moral inventory. Mainly because the focus of the meeting is on change in sobriety with an emphasis on steps 6 and 7 (the steps related to your character defects) and how can you free yourself of your character defects without first identifying them? You can't. The way I see it, you pretty much have to do the steps in order at some point. At meeting after meeting I hear people talk about how they have been sober for years and years without doing an inventory and they express how much fear they have around doing it, so they simply avoid it. I completed my first inventory and 5th step by my second 30 day AA anniversary - for me, I could not have stayed sober for years, or even months for that matter, without getting this vital step done.
I understand the fear that people associate with an inventory though. It basically asks you to review your entire life and tell another person every last little deep dark secret that you have been keeping. I personally am all too aware of how dangerous an inventory can be. In ACOA I did two of them, the ACOA way and unsupervised (I had no sponsor to guide me). The result was that I damn near killed myself - but instead, I just drank a lot. Six months later I landed at an AA meeting, and now my entire life has changed. Anyway, the point is - an inventory done wrong can be extremely dangerous, but an inventory done the right way can be incredibly powerful and very freeing.
The problem with the ACOA inventory is that it simply asks you to list your character defects. How the hell am I supposed to know what those are? When I did the first inventory, I hated myself. I had no self-esteem and no self-respect, I had been treated terribly in relationships and I blamed myself for everything. And I, me, this person with no self-esteem, was supposed to sit there and list my own character defects? You can see why this wouldn't work. The AA inventory is done totally differently - you identify the patterns and from there the character defects and you get at the patterns by looking closely at your resentments, fears, harms to others etc. It's really clever actually and I didn't understand until I did it, why it would work. In any event - among other things, I realized that I am utterly incapable of accurate self assessment. Even on a good day, on a clear headed and really spiritual day, a really positive day, I am basically incapable of accurate self assessment.
Anyway, I feel like I was given this amazing gift when I was diagnosed with breast cancer (um, hello - I can't believe I just wrote that) - it was a chance to look at my own life from a perspective that most people don't get to see their own life from - or at least, most people don't do this until much later in life and often when it is too late. I might have said before that there is something tremendously powerful about facing your own mortality and then getting to continue to live - you get to live completely differently. You get to live the authentic life you always wanted, you get to be the person you want to be, you get to live with no regrets. That is the biggest gift I got from surviving breast cancer - the chance to live differently. I remember during the process, begging God to please just let me live so that I could experience life differently. Well, I feel like that's the chance we are all given when we come into AA. We just don't always appreciate it as such. I am not sure I would have understood this either, simply by coming into AA - it took something far more devastating for me to get this.
In a sense it is very similar though - you are facing your own mortality - alcoholism can and will kill you. You are given a chance to review your life in its entirety, to learn from it and then to live it differently. Why would someone not take this opportunity? This is not something most people ever get to do. The chance to do this is a tremendous gift - the power of which I cannot even describe to you. The catch though is that you actually have to do it - despite the fear of what you might uncover, you have to do the inventory. My life changed when I did this - my program changed, my sobriety changed and I started to change. It was the most freeing thing I've ever done. (Taking off my fake hair comes in second)!!
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