I had my dreaded annual mammogram on Tuesday this week in Chicago. It went fine. Everything was fine. They didn't even call me back for additional films like they usually do. It was quick and over with before I knew it. I saw my surgeon afterwards and we had a short chat. I am in the clear for another year.
It's a funny feeling. I always think that I react wrong. I always anticipate a moment of overwhelming relief because there is such a build up of anxiety before the appointment. It never happens that way though. I never have that overwhelming moment of relief. I think to the outside observer my response could be very confusing.
Every year when mammogram time comes around, which is always in July, I retreat inside myself to what I can only describe as a dark place. I anticipate the worst - because that is simply how I deal with it, and I become very introspective, reflective. I really think about the state of my life. What is right, what isn't how I want it to be, what I wish was different. Are there things I can change? Should change? Want to change?
I am always astounded by the amount of regret that I feel when I go through this process every year. I am so terrified every year that I will find out my time is up, it's over, I had my second chance and I blew it, I wasted it. I ask myself every year - if I find out tomorrow I am dying, how am I going to feel? How is it possible that I have so much regret? I felt that again, this year - really strongly. How many more chances am I going to get?
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
A crisis of identity
I am having a major identity crisis right now. Let me first say that my annual mammogram to check me for breast cancer recurrence is this coming Tuesday - this is perhaps the most stressful time of the year for me. And coupled with that I have other stresses going on, some of which I can write about, and some of which I can't, through I really wish I could. I don't know if the identity crisis I am experiencing is the natural result of what I go through every year at mammogram time, or the result of, well, everything else in life.
My roommate has suggested that I give what I am experiencing another name - that it is not an identity crisis at all, but rather should be termed a moment of clarity. See I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, but to her, who is the outside observer listening to what I say, it is obvious that for the first time in my life, I have figured out who I am. Thus the moment of clarity, because I know who I am, it's just that who I am and what I want do not line up with my reality. So call it what you want. It feels like a crisis to me because I am so lost, but I guess my roommate would probably beg to differ and say that I have actually found myself. Anyway, I guess what we call it isn't important, what matters is what's happening.
And that would be this - what do you do when you realize you are not who you thought you were. And not only were you mistaken about who you thought you were, you don't even have the slightest desire to be the person that you once thought you wanted to be. Honestly, this all started with my childhood - and really - trust me, you probably don't want me to go there. Let's just say I needed to escape the hell I grew up in and so I designed myself a plan that I thought was right at the time. And maybe it was right then, but it's not right now. The plan was get an education and be something that would afford me financial stability and security to free myself from the grips of those horrible people. And that's exactly what I did. I decided to be a lawyer. It was probably for the wrong reasons in the end, but I guess you make the best choices in the moment that you can.
When I choose my career path, it seemed to be what I wanted, and I got sucked into it like a lot of people do. Working at a big firm and having this so called amazing job and identifying myself as a lawyer. I was a lawyer, that's who I was. I once had a therapist tell me that I should stop calling myself a lawyer. That I should stop making that identification and simply say I work as a lawyer, because he told me, that's not who you are, it's just simply one thing that you happen to do. So I went on my merry way down my career path, putting off marriage and having a family for this so called amazing career that I thought I wanted and that I thought I could be and would be good at.
And then everything changed. I stopped working at the big attractive job with all the money and almost unbearable pressure and responsibility. But I set out on a job search to find, well, something at a company - I refuse to work for a law firm ever again - but yet another high powered, high profile job. It's been a while that I've been off of work, seeking this kind of opportunity out. But a funny thing happened about a week and a half ago. If I had ever paid even the slightest bit of attention to my own personality, I would have realized long ago that a high powered, high profile, high responsibility job is not for me. I mean I knew it wasn't when I turned down the partnership track - but how did I ever think I could be that person anyway. I am lacking in everything that is required to be that kind of person at that kind of job. It simply is not who I am. Not only that - but awakening - I don't even want to be that person or do that job. I've only realized this, as I said, really recently, as I have been sewing all day and drowning my problems in yards of Batik fabric.
It's easy to say if only I knew then what I know now, and believe me, I did a lot of that when I had breast cancer. The if onlys are never ending. But seriously - what I really wanted out of life was a marriage and a family not a high powered job. The entire past 10 years that has been my legal career - the whole time I knew it wasn't satisfying. I knew it would never be the thing that would make me happy. I knew what I went through never was and never would be worth the money. I'm not saying that I don't want to be a lawyer anymore - well ok, actually I am saying that. I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. The problem is - I am trained to be only that and in a very specific area of law. So I am fine with going on and being a lawyer, and being a privacy lawyer (which usually you are one of very few at a company), but I want to be just another lawyer at a company, with just a job. Nothing fancy, nothing overly stressful, nothing flashy. Since I can't be something else, I'd settle for that. Something easy.
The sad reality is what I have alluded to in many posts - I have a lot of regret about life, the choices I made, things I have done etc. The way it all turned out makes me sad. And yeah, you can say but you are only 35! But that's bullshit. It's too late for life to turn out the way I had wanted it to. But it was a choice. I made a choice - I traded one thing for another and in the end it would turn out to be a mistake. But you never know that until the end. You don't really realize where you went wrong unless you are afforded the opportunity, or well, forced to look at it. Much of my regret came to pass because of the sort of life evaluation that I did when I had breast cancer. At the time I realizes shit - I've fucked up life royally. And you know what, I had actually in some ways. And I wanted a "do over." And I got it. I'm still alive. But I didn't do anything with my second chance. I didn't change course, I didn't make corrections, I continued down the same damn old path. Yes I have things that I don't regret, but I think that I will always be sad about how life turned out for me.
I don't mean for this to come out wrong - I hesitate to say it even because I mean this with the utmost respect for any woman who is a mother. If I could have been married in my twenties and had 4 children and been a stay at home mom, that would have made me happy. If only I knew then what I know now. If only I could have a true do over. If only it wasn't too late.
My roommate has suggested that I give what I am experiencing another name - that it is not an identity crisis at all, but rather should be termed a moment of clarity. See I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, but to her, who is the outside observer listening to what I say, it is obvious that for the first time in my life, I have figured out who I am. Thus the moment of clarity, because I know who I am, it's just that who I am and what I want do not line up with my reality. So call it what you want. It feels like a crisis to me because I am so lost, but I guess my roommate would probably beg to differ and say that I have actually found myself. Anyway, I guess what we call it isn't important, what matters is what's happening.
And that would be this - what do you do when you realize you are not who you thought you were. And not only were you mistaken about who you thought you were, you don't even have the slightest desire to be the person that you once thought you wanted to be. Honestly, this all started with my childhood - and really - trust me, you probably don't want me to go there. Let's just say I needed to escape the hell I grew up in and so I designed myself a plan that I thought was right at the time. And maybe it was right then, but it's not right now. The plan was get an education and be something that would afford me financial stability and security to free myself from the grips of those horrible people. And that's exactly what I did. I decided to be a lawyer. It was probably for the wrong reasons in the end, but I guess you make the best choices in the moment that you can.
When I choose my career path, it seemed to be what I wanted, and I got sucked into it like a lot of people do. Working at a big firm and having this so called amazing job and identifying myself as a lawyer. I was a lawyer, that's who I was. I once had a therapist tell me that I should stop calling myself a lawyer. That I should stop making that identification and simply say I work as a lawyer, because he told me, that's not who you are, it's just simply one thing that you happen to do. So I went on my merry way down my career path, putting off marriage and having a family for this so called amazing career that I thought I wanted and that I thought I could be and would be good at.
And then everything changed. I stopped working at the big attractive job with all the money and almost unbearable pressure and responsibility. But I set out on a job search to find, well, something at a company - I refuse to work for a law firm ever again - but yet another high powered, high profile job. It's been a while that I've been off of work, seeking this kind of opportunity out. But a funny thing happened about a week and a half ago. If I had ever paid even the slightest bit of attention to my own personality, I would have realized long ago that a high powered, high profile, high responsibility job is not for me. I mean I knew it wasn't when I turned down the partnership track - but how did I ever think I could be that person anyway. I am lacking in everything that is required to be that kind of person at that kind of job. It simply is not who I am. Not only that - but awakening - I don't even want to be that person or do that job. I've only realized this, as I said, really recently, as I have been sewing all day and drowning my problems in yards of Batik fabric.
It's easy to say if only I knew then what I know now, and believe me, I did a lot of that when I had breast cancer. The if onlys are never ending. But seriously - what I really wanted out of life was a marriage and a family not a high powered job. The entire past 10 years that has been my legal career - the whole time I knew it wasn't satisfying. I knew it would never be the thing that would make me happy. I knew what I went through never was and never would be worth the money. I'm not saying that I don't want to be a lawyer anymore - well ok, actually I am saying that. I don't want to be a lawyer anymore. The problem is - I am trained to be only that and in a very specific area of law. So I am fine with going on and being a lawyer, and being a privacy lawyer (which usually you are one of very few at a company), but I want to be just another lawyer at a company, with just a job. Nothing fancy, nothing overly stressful, nothing flashy. Since I can't be something else, I'd settle for that. Something easy.
The sad reality is what I have alluded to in many posts - I have a lot of regret about life, the choices I made, things I have done etc. The way it all turned out makes me sad. And yeah, you can say but you are only 35! But that's bullshit. It's too late for life to turn out the way I had wanted it to. But it was a choice. I made a choice - I traded one thing for another and in the end it would turn out to be a mistake. But you never know that until the end. You don't really realize where you went wrong unless you are afforded the opportunity, or well, forced to look at it. Much of my regret came to pass because of the sort of life evaluation that I did when I had breast cancer. At the time I realizes shit - I've fucked up life royally. And you know what, I had actually in some ways. And I wanted a "do over." And I got it. I'm still alive. But I didn't do anything with my second chance. I didn't change course, I didn't make corrections, I continued down the same damn old path. Yes I have things that I don't regret, but I think that I will always be sad about how life turned out for me.
I don't mean for this to come out wrong - I hesitate to say it even because I mean this with the utmost respect for any woman who is a mother. If I could have been married in my twenties and had 4 children and been a stay at home mom, that would have made me happy. If only I knew then what I know now. If only I could have a true do over. If only it wasn't too late.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
And the finished product...
I haven't been posting because I have been sewing - obsessively. Here is what I made for my best friend's mother who is sick right now. I am shipping it to her tomorrow.
I have lots to say though - so stay tuned...
I have lots to say though - so stay tuned...
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