On the upside

Do I ever post about anything happy?  Not really no.  But in the past two days I have gotten some calls for some pretty interesting jobs.  This is great news because I was pretty sure it was going to be difficult to find a job, like next to impossible, and that it was going to take a really long time, given my area of law.  Turns out I could be wrong about that.

There is a part of me, a big part, that is relieved to be gone from my job.  And it's funny because I decided to make all these plans for the time that I have off.  Not working agrees with me.  Going to London, going to Vermont, going home, going to Miraval, my favorite spot in the world.  And now I am thinking damn, I might not have time to do any of this because I might find a job too fast!  Kidding really - I am grateful to have opportunities pop up already and really happy that this might be easier than I thought.

Besides, I am still taking the London trip.  I already had the expensive ticket before my job blew up.  My high school boyfriend, who has lived in London for the past 15 plus years contacted me recently and I have decided to go visit him.  I am leaving on the 10th for a week.  After that, anything is possible.

Oh, and I have a new favorite CD - Benjamin Francis Leftwich - Last Smoke Before the Snowstorm.  Love it!

Darn

I woke up as myself again.

My goal pants

I have selected my goal pants which are the pants that I want to fit when all of this exercising is over.  I admit, they are small, but I want to be that size again.  I've done 5 workouts so far so nothing has changed (except I am sore like you wouldn't believe), but my roommate/personal trainer says my pants will feel looser in 10 more work outs.  I'm motivated!

Not a new year's resolution

I don't make new year's resolutions because I don't see the point.  It would just be a moment where I felt overly ambitions to do something and then I wouldn't do it anyway.

I have decided though in my spare time since I am now doing nothing but job searching, that I am going to get in shape.  The main purpose of this is to lose weight, but I would like to be healthy also and I am definitely out of shape.  I am thin but not as thin as I used to be and I would really like to get back to what I weighed a couple of years ago.

I don't really know how to work out though.  I have only ever walked/run on a treadmill or done elliptical.  Fortunately for me my roommate knows how to work out.  So basically it is like having my own free personal trainer.  We are on day 5.  I got yesterday off and now we are going at it for 6 days straight.  I actually feel really committed to this.  I want to do this.  And even though I am complaining a bit about the things she is telling me to do, I am actually having fun.  Who knew.

Over and over, and over

I keep replaying the conversation in my head, and all the things that I didn't say to defend myself.  There was so much to be said that I could have said but didn't, because I didn't want to be defensive and what was the point anyway.

I did eventually defend myself in a later conversation with the head of our practice group.  I have not spoken to the partner who lied to me and stabbed me in the back though, and I do not intend to.  I have nothing nice to say to him and he would only get defensive.  As much as it is eating me up inside, I simply can't see anything good coming out of me telling him to go to hell and shove it up his ass.

I am glad that I was able to tell the head of our practice group my perspective on things and bring a few things to his attention that he was not aware of.  I think he was mostly uninvolved in what was going on and simply going along with the things that the partner decided to do to me.  Also, the conversation alleviated some concerns that I had.

In the end though, it doesn't change things.  These people that I trusted to have my back, who had always been supportive and really good to me, turned on me.  I am not sure I can get over the way the partner treated me.  The accusations that he made, the lies that he told.  I am not sure how long that will be eating me alive inside.  I guess I have some control over that.  I guess it will eat me alive until I don't let it anymore.

For now though, the more I think about it, the more angry I get.

Rainbows and unicorns, or not

I wish I could say things are all cheery and bright and happy and whatever - you know, rainbows and unicorns and fairy tales.  But that's just not how I feel this new year.   I don't believe in fairy tales anyway, but that's beside the point.

I am worried about losing my job before I have another one.  I have no idea if this will happen.  The searching isn't going so well, mainly because there isn't that much out there for me.  I had been worried that my practice area is too specialized and I am ahead of the curve meaning that companies aren't on board yet with the fact that they actually need someone dedicated to what I do.  In another year or so there will probably be countless jobs for me out there.  But right now, not so much.  

I think it's very possible I will lose my job before I have another one.  I don't know what else to say about it.  I don't know what I am going to do.  I have my resume with 7 executive search firms, I have sent out resumes in response to postings, and I am hearing nothing back.  Nothing.  Right now I have resumes out at companies in New York, Chicago and London.  The only reason I have submitted resumes to London is because there are more postings for what I do in London than anywhere else.

Anyway, ugh.