Arts and crafts

Sorry for the lack of posting - I do have things to post about, but, no time just now. So here are a few more photos. I'm still waiting for my brother to load more from his camera. Hopefully I will have a chance to post for real soon.

Things change

Coming home was not what I expected this time. It's not bad - it's great to see my nephew and brother and sister-in-law. It's just different. I feel different than I thought I would. I've been gone for 2 years (I've been here to visit - but not for more than a week at a time, and usually only for a weekend maybe once every 3 or 4 months). A lot can change in 2 years. I guess I am thinking mostly in terms of the program, the people. I don't recognize the people. I come into town expecting it to be the way it was when I left 2 years ago. I expect to walk into the noon AA meeting, sit at the back table, which will of course go over the hour because we have squeezed so many people around it, with all the people who were there when I got there. But none of those people are there.

I did something today I never do - I walked into a meeting and then turned around and walked out. I left. Since when do I walk into a noon meeting at the Alano club, sit down at a table, and I'm the one with the most sobriety there? That's a strange feeling. There were so many newcomers, and yeah, I know, I am supposed to help the newcomer. But I wanted some good, quality sobriety. I wanted long term sobriety. I wanted to talk about honesty and integrity and what it means to make a right choice instead of a wrong one. I wanted to talk about what happens when you don't work a program of rigorous honesty. I didn't want to talk about what it's like on day 15 to feel like you are going to die if you don't go drink. So I left.

Those people who where there when I came into the program - I want them to still be there. A lot of them are still sober - maybe they just don't go to the same meetings, or maybe they don't go anymore or not as much. Will I be one of those people who just stops going - or will I always go? Some of the people aren't sober. In fact, the odds are good that a lot of them aren't. Some of them are dead. I just want things to be the same and they aren't. Now when they ask during the opening if anyone is visiting the meeting from another group that would like to be recognized - I identify myself - because this isn't my group anymore.

I expected to come home and feel more at home here in the program than I do in Chicago - and I didn't feel that way. I expected to come home and feel like here is really where I want to be - and I didn't feel that way either. I expected to come here and know what I want out of my life. I expected for it to be obvious. And it wasn't. In fact, I think the whole damn thing may be less clear. I didn't feel the sense of urgency that I felt over the past few months to get out of Chicago. Here isn't obviously where I don't want to be - but it's just not obviously where I do want to be either.

I guess that was why I decided that I needed to wait a year to see how I felt before making a decision about whether to stay or go - it's such a huge decision that impacts so many things. It feels more like I want to run - that feeling of - I would rather be anywhere but here. Or anyone but me. Escaping.

High anxiety

My anxiety level is basically through the roof. I bet you are all wondering whether I unplugged the lamps. Well, maybe you aren't all actually wondering that really. But anyway, I did not unplug the lamps. That doesn't mean that there aren't lamps that are unplugged - ah, a technicality - but I didn't unplug them to leave town. I know, I am a freak - go ahead and think it. There happen to be two lamps that are never plugged in, just because I never use them, and the toaster is never plugged in unless I am using it, and I don't even keep the coffee pot out on the counter because I don't use it, and yes, I did unplug the swiffer sweep 'n vac. The shredder was unplugged anyway because it was broken. Do you think I am weird yet?

But you see, I am in my brother's house (I made it to Michigan), and there are probably all kinds of things plugged in here, including a coffee pot, and it doesn't bother me a bit. Why? I've never been able to explain why this doesn't bother me in other people's houses. Seriously, not one tiny tiny little bit. It's only in my own house that it's a problem.

Anyway, like I said, my anxiety level is high. The only way I can explain how I feel is to say that my stress level is low, but my anxiety level is high. Does that make sense? They aren't the same thing. Maybe it is because I left work early today and basically took today off which wasn't planned. That's anxiety provoking because they think I'm working when I'm not actually (everyone was out today so I bailed earlier than I had planned). And does it matter, not really. We all do our own thing and keep our own schedules and no one watches over us. I'll hit my hours - I can afford the extra day hours wise. What's the problem then?

Maybe it's the fact that sleeping might be hard because I'm not in my own house. Maybe it's trying to figure out how to work tomorrow, play with my nephew, go see people, go to the meeting I want to go to - maybe it's trying to figure out how to squeeze it all in. It's not stress though, it's definitely anxiety. Maybe it's thinking about Sunday and going back. Maybe it's my birthday which is next month. Maybe it's everything and nothing. Maybe it's not wanting to be in Chicago anymore but knowing I am stuck there for the time being.

I'll tell you one thing though - coming here, "home," well, it produces a lot of emotions and thoughts - about the past and the future. You know how I've been saying I want to move back here and keep my job there and telecommute? Well, although I've only been here for 8 hours an I haven't been here since Christmas and that's a plan I hatched well, when I found out my brother was moving back here...let's just say that it isn't as obvious as I thought it would be, that that's what I want.

Throwing caution to the wind

We are living on the edge over here people, seriously. I am going to go out of town tomorrow without unplugging the lamps. WHAT? That's right, I am going to leave town without unplugging all the lamps. Holy crap, what's gotten into me? Now, the swiffer sweep 'n vac, that I'm unplugging. If my condo goes up in flames this weekend, due to a cord fire, well, to all of you who think I am weird, I will say, I told you so.

I know this is funny, in a way - I mean, if you aren't thinking about the reality of it. But this isn't really about the cord to the lamp in the dining room burning the house down. I'm having really bad OCD problems right now. I talk about this so infrequently that I feel like I have to re-explain it every time. Yes it is real OCD. No, it isn't the normal way you might re-check the iron. Why don't you just go read all about it here. And then you can think I am extra weird. Anyway, it's sort of embarrassing, like saying I'm an alcoholic is embarrassing, but whatever.

It isn't constantly a problem (though on some level it is always there) - it just kind of lingers beneath the surface and every time my anxiety level goes up, it kicks in to a greater or lesser degree, depending on my mental ability to deal with the anxiety. I have to admit, I am pretty good at dealing with it - I can, more or less, talk myself out of OCD. I've basically just trained myself to do this by not giving into it.

It frequently rears it's head when I go out of town - very anxiety producing for me - and results in everything being unplugged. Other times, it is related to food. For example, right before the MRI biopsy I had at the end of January, I had to go eat my favorite chocolate in the world because this would "make everything be okay." Other times I have to not eat chocolate to make it okay. Or perhaps not wear something specific or wear something specific. You get the picture.

This has been an issue since I was 7, so I've just gotten good at dealing with it I guess. One of two things happens when this kicks in - I either give into it to alleviate the anxiety (unplug the lamps) or I don't give into it and suffer through it (to prove that the anxiety and the thought behavior connection is irrational). Whether I give in or not just depends on the situation, the level of anxiety, my overall mental capacity to handle it, what else is going on at the same time.

I don't have it bad enough to ever try taking something specifically for OCD (because it is hard to treat) - though I have tried anti- anxiety drugs before briefly for generalized anxiety. My doctor says having OCD doesn't impair my ability to live relatively speaking, because, you know, I don't need to face all the cans in the pantry east and open and close the window so many times before I walk out the door that I am late for work (these are just examples, not things that I do). I suppose she is right, that it doesn't impair my ability to live - I mean, in so far as having t0 unplug everything, not eating certain food, eating certain food, not having certain things touching, having certain things in certain places, doing things in certain orders, having to go to a certain meeting, having to wear a certain shirt - are examples of unimpaired living. How exactly is facing the cans east worse than not being able to wear the purple underwear on a particular Tuesday?

Fortunately, this really isn't a constant issue - just sometimes. Like right now. When my anxiety level is through the roof and I have decided not to give into it this time...ask me tomorrow whether the lamps are plugged in. Right at this moment, I would be willing to bet that they won't be.

More tomorrow on my trip home to Michigan...there will be coloring, playdough, parks, cookies, shopping, meetings, more coloring, more playdough, some new toys and clothes for my nephew probably, hopefully more coloring, hopefully more cookies, lots and lots and lots of playing, and yes, pictures of me and E upon my return!

Dark pink nail polish on a tile floor

You might just say - better than on the carpet, right? Well, yeah. But I bet you can guess that cleaning nail polish up off the bathroom floor is not what I wanted to do today. You would be right.

There I was enjoying my Saturday, having first been to Target where I purchased $75 worth of things that I didn't technically need, and there I was changing over my closet - putting away turtle necks and heavy sweaters etc. when I heard it. The sound of glass on tile. Now, wouldn't you think that a nail polish bottle could withstand a fall off the counter?

There was my cat, on the counter, an entire bottle of dark pink nail polish broken all over the floor. My cat finished his drink from the sink (he only drinks running water) and then proceeded to knock things off the counter. Whose fault is this? Well, mine. I know better and he's a cat. He likes to knock things off and like I've mentioned, I'm a messy bathroom person, I leave things on the counter.

It would be one thing if the tile were of the old fashioned type - that smooth, flat, kind of shiny surface. But no, of course not. The tile is the "modern" kind, you know, the trendy kind of bathroom tile (I don't really know how to describe it), which also happens to be porous. Oh, and don't forget how porous the grout lines are.

So there I was, hoping that I didn't create some sort of deadly gas because I had combined nail polish remover, Comet with bleach and Pine Sol on the floor - but feeling pretty confident that I would realize it before I passed out - scrubbing away, trying to get nail polish out of the porous floor, while my cat stood there and watched from just outside the door. It isn't my floor by the way - I rent this condo.

Anyway, I'm still alive and I got all the nail polish up - except for two tiny spots in the grout where I can still see the faintest hint of it - I'll have to try cleaning that with something else. I went back in the bathroom later to check on the progress of the floor drying and I thought huh, these tiles that I just cleaned with a nail polish remover/bleach combo - they appear to be a different color. Gosh, could the floor be this dirty without looking it (I mean, I do use a lot of products etc.), and wow, who knew grout lines could be that color? Seriously, wow.

I bet you can guess what I'll be doing two weekends from now with a toothbrush and a can of Comet. Heck, maybe I'll also throw a little nail polish remover on there.

A post not really about a leave

I promised a post about a leave - so here, you get one that is related. But there will be more to come as I sort through all the um, "issues" I apparently have around this. Let's preface this post by saying, I should be working. I should have skipped the meeting and worked, but I didn't. I went to the meeting, came home, talked on the phone and read blogs. I have to say something. I have been complaining way too much about my job. Way too much. Aren't you tired of hearing about it yet? What happened to the gratitude and sunshine and smiley happy things that were supposed to be coming to a blog near you? In the same sentence I will tell you that I have a great job, that I like the work, that I work with the nicest people, breathe, and then bitch up a storm about how much I am working. Yes, I am working more than I would like to be right now. But it goes with the territory and it isn't consistently this busy. And part of the reason that I can't get a break is because I don't take a break. Did you catch that? I, me, I don't take a break. I didn't say they will not let me have a day off. And you might say, isn't this the job you wanted - didn't you want this job? Yes. I did. This is the job I've always wanted. I'm living a dream here people. Do I want another job? No. I don't.

This is about me enforcing a better boundary, among other things. I can take vacation days - but the catch is - I have to not feel bad when I do and oh, right, I have to not work, duh. Here are the issues:

1) I feel guilty about how much I get paid and how little I work for it. Now - that might seem to go against everything I've been complaining about, but relatively speaking, I do not work very hard for what I get paid. I mean seriously - I probably average 45-50 hours per week. That isn't that much.

2) I'm not willing to take another job - one where I work maybe 5-10 hours less per week for half the money - that's right - I did say a 50% pay cut, just so that I don't have the stress of billing hours and I can work 40 hours a week and have the whole 40 "count." Believe me, the stress is worth the money.

3) I still feel like I owe them something - like I have to make up for the fact that I had breast cancer. Like working full-time through the whole 7 month experience wasn't enough - I still have to prove to them that it was worth it to hire me. I feel bad that they paid a fee to my headhunter to get me and then I got breast cancer. By the way, just to put this in perspective, they have made several hundreds of thousands of dollars off of my time in two years - we are talking hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars. I might rather not even know actually just how many hundreds of thousands it is, except that I do have a rough idea from reading my timekeeper report. I am sure the fee my headhunter got was like a drop in the bucket. They have more than recouped that.

4) The more and more they pay me, the harder I feel like I have to work. Why don't I just feel like - oh right, I have another year of experience - of course I deserve to get paid more, I earned it - that's what moving up is about, you get paid more. No, not me, I just feel like oh - I have to work more. I don't deserve or earn it, I have to work harder for it.

5) There is this part of me that feels like I don't deserve what I get - just in general, in life. I must have to do something to make myself worthy of good things in my life. Something unattainable I guess. Now the guy down the hall - the one who comes in at 10:30 every day and billed 500 hours less than me - that's right, that's a lot (and yes I am harboring a lot of resentments about work at the moment) - he may not deserve what he is getting. But I do. I get there at 8, I stay as late as is necessary, I work on weekends, I work on holidays I work on vacation and on nearly every day I've ever taken off. I damn well do deserve what I'm getting (as I try to convince myself by saying it over and over again). I earned it people. I paid for my own education and I've worked hard to get here.

So why don't I feel like I deserve a leave of absence from the job that I've done nothing but bust my ass for regardless of the circumstances? I don't know.

I can tell you this though - I definitely do not want a different job - but I am on the verge of forming a new relationship with the one I have. I've already said I am going to not worry about my hours next year. And I'm not. (Because what is going to happen to me if I don't hit the target? Nothing). I am also going to stop working on days off, firm holidays and vacations. No more. Yes, I still want the leave - but in addition to that - things are going to change around here. Cause I don't want to carry resentments around like this. I don't want to be pissed off about it all the time and stressed about it all the time. I know better than anyone that life is too short for any of this. This isn't what I want. I want to continue to like my job and love the work - not start hating it because I feel like I can't get a break. Things are about to change folks. They are about to change.

Between a blue/green wave and a penetrating white light

So I might have formed a bad habit of meditating before bed. How can this be a bad thing you wonder? Well, I am not entirely sure I can fall asleep without it. I started doing guided meditations last fall - partly as a means of practicing step 11 (sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him...) and partly as a way to turn down the crazy in my head. I used to meditate some - this was a return to meditating but more of an exploration into the practice.

I can't really just sit there and meditate for extended lengths of time - my mind wanders over all the things I have to do and work etc., but if I do a guided meditation, that gives me something to pay attention to. You know, like seeing the word serenity form out of the ripples in the stream that is flowing next to me on the side of a giant mountain while I lay in the sunshine and contemplate acceptance. (See, right there, I forgot about work just typing that). That kind of thing. One of my favorites was a guided meditation where you, your current self, goes to meet your future self. My future self lived in a giant white stone house on a hill over looking the ocean in La Jolla, California. I had short hair and a dog, no boyfriend, no family. I was surprised by the hair. And further surprised to find that I was happy. Not at all surprised that I was in San Diego. The house was really really cool. Okay, you probably think I'm weird now. But at least in some other world, at some other time, I am happy.

Anyway, I have a bunch of these meditations - some are short, 5 minutes, 10, 15. Some are long, a half hour, an hour. The one where you work on opening your chakras by spinning the golden discs counter clockwise etc., is long, and interesting. I frequently do that one on a plane. So, my favorite meditation is 27 minutes long. I listen to it basically every night. I look forward to it. I like to go to bed earlier and earlier, just because I get to do this meditation. I wonder if it's like escaping. But the thing is, every night, at some point between when the blue/green wave washes over you and the moment when you first feel the penetrating white light - I fall asleep. Okay, well, at least once I stayed awake because I know about the penetrating white light. But - sometime between minutes 12 and 27, I fall asleep. I couldn't really tell you what happens after the blue/green wave, except that there is a light.

I either wake up several hours later with the headphones still in my ears, or I wake up just as she says the last sentence of the meditation. It's kind of weird - I usually wake up just as it's ending. "I will be well from the sheer joy of living. More and more, I know that I am held in the hands of God and that I am perfectly, utterly safe. And so you are." That's how it ends. Whatever happens after the blue/green wave - I hope it is penetrating my subconscious.

I promise - the next post will be about the leave.

When you don't have anything else to do

This was a weird weekend for me. I didn't really have anything I had to do - well, besides go to work tomorrow, but I mean other stuff. Normally I have to go grocery shopping, go to Target, pay bills, do laundry, clean, stop at the dry cleaner - that kind of stuff. This weekend, for some odd reason, I didn't have to do any of those things. I didn't need to run errands, because you know, I'm not allowed to shop. I do have two pair of pants to return - but God forbid I leave the store having spent more than I returned - so I am waiting until the 25th to do the returns. And I don't really need to buy food because as I said, I am going to attempt to eat the food in my house these next two weeks, for the most part anyway.

So, when you don't have anything else to do, that's when you organize the button box. You know, the box where you stick the buttons and thread when you cut tags off of your new clothes - that box. Yes folks, we are organized on every level over here at my house. I could have been a professional organizer. I don't sit around very well. I like to be doing something - I like to be productive which is part of what scares me about taking a leave...more on that later...(I know, I keep saying that...more on that later...tomorrow I am going to post about it).

I don't think I'm a neat freak - but my house is clean. "Dirty" to me is probably most peoples' clean. I don't like clutter and small stuff laying around or piles of stuff and I generally don't have tons of stuff anyway. Things are neat and organized and clean. It's just my cat and I living here so how messy can it get? Not very. Though I will admit, I am not a neat bathroom person. My bathroom counter can be trashed within one day of cleaning it. Products every where - 6 things that go on my face, hair products, lotion, hair stuff - I put none of it away right after I use it - it's just a mess. I don't like sharing bathrooms with people. Actually, I don't like sharing homes with people. My ex-fiance and I used to kid around that we would need to two condos next door to each other so that we could each have our own. I don't like someone else in my house, putting crap where it doesn't go, leaving messes for me to clean up, putting cheese in the wrong drawer - because you know, the cheese goes in the cheese drawer people.

Anyway, I do sit around sometimes - I do watch t.v. - but I Tivo everything and then selectively catch up, skipping all commercials. And rarely do I spend hours just sitting there. I don't know what I would do if I had to be home to watch something. That would be like not having Internet - I couldn't live. I would have to give up t.v. because it is simply unacceptable to have to be home to watch something when it's on. It's great to be able to skip all commercials. I am one of those people that used to get up during commercials and do something else - like you know, vacuum half of a room during a commercial break and then vacuum the other half during the next one, and then unload the dishwasher during the next one and then change the cat litter during the next one...like I said, I don't always sit still well.

So, I did in fact clean and organize the button box today. And, no, I didn't buy anything.

Tomorrow I will post on the status of my taking a leave. Until then...have a good night! Oh, and have you noticed that I seem to be in a bit of a better mood lately? I've noticed. Brace yourselves, that means I will soon be crashing to the bottom again and we will have to scrape me up off the floor. I sort of wish I tracked it better - my mood cycles - but I would hate to have to go back through the blog to figure it out. How many weeks between crashes and how long the happy place lasts - I just don't know. But for now I am going to enjoy it - even though the higher you go, the farther you have to fall.

You're the lucky winner of a chance to work this weekend

There I was typing away on a document at 6:30 p.m. on a Friday night and thinking, we can get this out on Monday - no problem. We will have time - no problem at all. And then I thought you know, this project is a bit of a disaster (because we inherited a half done project, done poorly (my least favorite kind) and we are fixing it) - I think I want to pull that one document out, document A, that summarizes what the entity in X country is supposedly doing and not doing with Y type of information. I just want to take a quick peek at some factual due diligence because what they told us doesn't jive with what is in Z contract. SCORE. You get to work this weekend.

Because what appears in A document with respect to X country and Y type of information most definitely is not what they told us. So what would be quick to finalize is now hours of pouring through binders of due diligence looking to see if they ever figured out exactly what they were in fact doing in countries X1-X9 with Y type of information. Great. And the only way to get it done on Monday is to do it this weekend. Because I have so much other stuff to do next week...

I most definitely have a love/hate relationship with my job. I love my firm, I love the people I work with, I love the area of law I practice - it's super interesting and fun - I really am lucky that way - I do not love working on the weekend, or late. I just don't. I need a bit of a better balance - a better boundary. The reason I am so miserable about my hours all the time is because I never get a break, ever...more on the leave situation later...

Why couldn't I just say well, this document isn't going out on Monday (for Tuesday a.m. conference call) and by the way, the other 4 things that need to be done on Tuesday - those things aren't getting done either - because I want my weekend? I'm just not like that - I'm super responsible, extremely dedicated - I just don't not get things done on time.

On a positive note, things are going really well at work. People are happy with me and my work and I'm feeling pretty good about the prospect of being able to move in a year or two and telecommute - that's really my goal I think, eventually - but let's not get ahead of myself - I need to figure out this leave first. And yes of course I am grateful to have a job to go to this weekend. You know I am. It's allowing me to shop. Plus, these extra hours that I am banking - will assure me the ability to take the 24th and 25th of this month off (and still hit 2000 hours). Well, "off." Actually, I do in fact intend to take them off, not "off," but you know that every time I take a day off, I really just take it "off," which means I work anyway.

Not anymore folks. I have a whole new plan for this next billable year. It's called I don't care if I hit my hours. I'd rather be happier.

I've been cut off

I've had to cut myself off - no more shopping, not even a little. Not until my next pay check. And no, I don't mean the pay check I get tomorrow - ha ha - I mean the one I get two weeks after that. For the next two weeks, I am going to wear the clothes in my closet and eat the food in the house. Seriously, it's out of hand over here.

I am not allowed to buy skin care products (which is tragic because I am almost out of a very important product - but it's going to have to wait, my poor skin), no hair products (because how many types of volumizing products do I need to have in play at one time here people?), for God's sake, no clothes (I have bought a half new wardrobe over the past 8-10 weeks), no shoes either (I've bought 6 pair in 6 weeks), no underwear (because I have a whole drawer full of underwear that I don't wear - see, turns out I like only one type of underwear - the boy short - comfy, you don't ever have to pick your undies out of the butt crack, and no panty line - but how many pair do I need, do I seriously need 3 more pair every single time I go to Target?), no hand bags (because 95% of the time I carry the same one no matter how many I have).

If I say I buy anything before April 25th, I need to be in trouble.

By the way, I left work at 4:30! YES - I did! And what did I do? Nadda. My jig saw puzzle and talked on the phone. Now I am going to sit in the bath and scrub my arms with granulated sugar for the 5th day in a row - I'll explain this weekend.

I've decided it's perfectly acceptable to eat cereal and broccoli with cheese sauce for dinner every day, and drink Fresca in the bath tub.

Have a nice night! Oh, gratitude - I'm grateful I get to go to Ann Arbor on the 23rd for 5 days!

Where I want to go, and what I miss

This is just an old photo from a trip that I took some years ago to the Outer Banks of North Carolina. We were watching the sun set from the patio of the restaurant we had dinner at and watching these guys kite board. That was in, let's see, must have been the summer of 2004.

I loved it there, it was beautiful and the ocean was warm. I want to go back there. But the thing is, I have no one to go with.

I think about that a lot - I like to travel but I have no one to travel with. All of the traveling that I've done has been with boyfriends. That I suppose is the thing that I miss the most about not being with anyone, or, rather, the only thing that I miss at the moment and the prospect of never being with anyone again - not having anyone to take a trip with. I don't really have that many friends. Yes, I know a lot of people - it's impossible not to know tons of people when you are in AA. But there are only a handful that I hang out with and even then I don't feel that close to anyone here. I know people, but I don't really have any friends. The people I am the closest to are in Ann Arbor, and, well, the only one I've ever really thought about traveling with is Heather, but she can't afford to. Sometimes I think about just offering to pay for her so that we can go somewhere. We've never traveled together. We've been friends since we were 3 and we've never taken a trip together. We had planned to - we had planned to take a trip to Europe - then I got breast cancer.

I'm lucky that I can afford to take well, really, honestly, any trip that I wanted. But where would I go, what would I do? And I don't want to go alone. People always say just go alone, and I could see going to maybe a spa for 3 days by myself. But when I travel I like to do things, I like to see things - it isn't really the same to go by yourself. I keep hoping that maybe my brother and sister-in-law and nephew will plan to take a trip and invite me - because, you know, I could just play with my nephew the whole time - and that way I could take a trip and they could get something out of it too. But I somehow doubt they are planning to go to North Carolina any time soon.

I really really want to go there. Actually, it would just be nice to go anywhere. But for some reason, that's just where I want to go right now. I really wish I had someone to go with. It's making me sad.

The light brush of hair against your shoulders

If you ever have the occasion to lose all of your hair (and I hope you don't - but just so you know, it is not as traumatic as you probably imagine it to be) - just know that it does not grow back as quickly as they tell you it will. I think they just say it's fast hoping that will make it seem less horrible. Well, it isn't fast. I mean think about it - your hair only grows 6 inches per year on average, so if you started with really long hair, it is going to take years. They tell you oh - you will really feel like it's behind you once your hair gets back to the way it was.

First of all - it does not start to grow right away. It takes about 6-8 weeks after the last chemo treatment to even start to grow. And remember that you are growing it back from literally nothing - this takes a lot longer than growing it back from a short hair cut. I have been growing my hair back for 20 months now. 20 months - and my hair was only slightly above my shoulders when it came out.

Now granted I have trimmed it a few times, and cut it once thinking I would keep it short - it would be longer now if I hadn't done that. I did like it short actually, but the one hair cut I got in the process was a really bad haircut so I just kept growing it.

Anyway, it is layered by default at the moment, definitely not even - it takes a long time to catch the top and the sides up to the bottom of the back. It just takes a lot of trimming to even it out. I've been growing it and growing it so that I can cut it if you know what I mean. Trying to get enough length all over and on the sides to cut it into an actual hair style. It still isn't as long as it was all over - though I think it's getting pretty close.

On Saturday I was getting dressed and I had a tank top on while I was putting makeup on. I'm weird like that - I don't like to put clothes on until my deodorant is 100% dry and I'm all ready to go, so I walk around in a tank top in the morning. Well anyway, I was getting ready and just noticed the light brush of my hair against my shoulders. I thought - how familiar, yet unfamiliar of a feeling. My hair is touching my shoulders. I hadn't even noticed until I felt it there.

I am happy to report that I am no longer growing my hair back. I have done it!

A bullet pointed update

I’m so behind on posting, that there probably isn’t any point in trying to catch up on what I’m grateful for, but to catch up on other things – here is a bullet pointed update:

• I guess I am not going to rant about the situation with my old sponsor. I mean, on the one hand, she did help me. There was a time when she really did help me and for that, of course, I am grateful. What I will say is this – in my opinion, her handling of the situation between us was very poor and inappropriate. I’d like to say more, but for now, I think I will keep quiet. I don’t want to say bad things about her – but I think she should apologize. Actually, you want to know why I'm not ranting about it and telling the whole story - I feel like it's bad karma or something.

• Things finally slowed down last week at work. Monday was crazy and the next few days I had a definite lull. I even left early on Thursday, which would have been a perfect night to post, but instead I sat on my couch for 4 hours and watched tv. I think this week things are going to be very busy again – probably for the next few.

• As for my hours – I will hit them, but not by much. I have 18 days to bill another 138.3 hours. That’s no problem – that’s only a bit over 7.5 per day. One thing I will say is – it does piss me off that I have worked so hard this year – or at least it feels like it – and I am still only going to barely hit my hours. So if you ask me, people at firms who claim to bill 2500 hours per year – they are lying, just so you know. I’m just saying – there are unethical lawyers out there. I just worked my ass off to hit 2000 hours – what would I have had to do to hit 2500 – I can’t imagine - make a few up I suppose?

• I have made the decision to worry less next year about my hours. Why – well, ask me if it was worth it to spend the entire year stressing and trying to hit 2000. Actually, ask me at the end of October. That’s right – all this stress that I’ve felt over hours for the entire past 12 months – it doesn’t even pay off until October. And when you ask me at the end of October when the bonus money comes – while I am already 6 months into the stress about the current year – the answer will probably be no, it wasn’t worth it. Which is why next year – I am not going to try so hard. If I fail to hit 2000 hours in the 08-09 year – and my firm wants to deny me my raise come January of 2010 (that’s right – the hours that I am about to start billing impact my Oct. 2009 bonus and my January 2010 raise) – so be it. Good for them. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

• Could it be that I have made headway towards not feeling guilty regarding work because I had breast cancer? Like maybe I don't owe them anything anymore. Well, not sure. If the planning of my leave were any indication, I would have to say no. I haven’t asked yet – but I found out that I can’t take it when I wanted to. Why – because the person who will bear the brunt of my absence is going on vacation for the middle 2 weeks of the 6 that I wanted off and we can’t both be gone at the same time. So what do I do? I have to wait until probably the 3rd week in July to take it. Which means only that I don’t need to bring it up yet to the partner – i.e., I have more time to talk myself out of it. Here’s the thing – I feel desperate. I’m desperate for the leave. But I am just plain too scared to ask for it. I already know, I’m not going to ask for it – I’m too scared. I’m trying to think of a compromise, but I can’t think of one. Because if I take a vacation, I will work – I always do. Why – see previous two paragraphs re hours. I need it to be a leave because then they prorate my hours and I’m not responsible for them. If I just take say, three weeks off – I have to make the time up. Help. What do I do? Because at this point I feel like I’m just going to wait until I am so miserable that I feel like I can’t take it anymore and then they will have to give me a medical leave. But I don’t want to have to do that – I don’t want to have to go down that road.

The bullet points were pointless.

• Okay – so one more thing and then I’ll stop for now but I’ll try to catch up with posting. Today I am grateful that I ran into this one particular friend of mine at the meeting tonight. He said something that I think will stay with me for a long time. We were talking about my wanting to take a leave, me being too afraid to ask for it, etc. And he said – ask yourself what you would do if you could take fear out of the equation. Interesting way to look at it – I appreciated that way of thinking about things. I forget how much fear clouds my thinking.

• One more - I exfoliated my arms with table sugar in the bath tub. I'm not sure it was a good idea. No, I did not make this up - and there was a purpose. I'll have to report back. Supposedly table sugar - white sugar - is a good exfoliator for your face also. But I'm already peeling the shit out of it with some other stuff - so I probably don't need to start scrubbing it with sugar.
  

Okay, I am back on the posting wagon. Look for more gratitude to come. One more - I'm grateful the weather was beautiful here this weekend, and that I got to hang out with a good friend on Friday night at the meeting.

Long time, no post

Sorry it's been so long since I posted - a week I think. I just haven't felt like it. There have been things that I have wanted to post about, but I just haven't been able to get myself to sit down and write. I guess I've been in a bit of a bad mood this past week. Not even unhappy - disgruntled is more like it. Irritable, annoyed, at everything. There are things going on at work that I am upset about or worried about and I've been having some kind of well, shall we say, anger towards my old sponsor here. I've refrained from posting about it because you know, it would be so un-AA of me to rant about it - but you know what, fuck it. It's my blog, I'll vent about whatever the hell I want and if you don't like the fact that I'm ranting about my old sponsor's behavior, instead of keeping the focus on myself, as AA would tell me to do - well, don't bother telling me that, and you know, just don't read if you don't like it.

Wow, well, can you tell what kind of mood I'm in?

I'm off to do something I don't want to do...more on that and everything else later tonight...I promise.

Something cute

Since I don't have time to post right now, and my posts have been nothing but horribly boring anyway, I'm just going to send you over to my brother and sister-in-law's blog to see something cute!