How it creeps in

Sometimes I am just plugging along, working on what I am working on (these days only boring non-billable things it seems) and then it hits me. I had breast cancer. Cause see I try to forget. In between forgetting, I try to make some kind of peace with it. I try, and I fail.

I have a follow-up appointment next Tuesday, a mammogram. They never go well. They always think they find something and have to take more pictures, do other tests, torture me for roughly 3-4 hours before they determine that everything is fine. And believe me, it is torture. Sitting and waiting, watching the seconds tick by, waiting for the door to open - is a kind of hell I can't describe.

The past three days I have been so overwhelmed with anxiety that I can barely function. I have a few good hours a day and the rest is a waste. The only thing making the days bearable is taking drugs for anxiety. It's pretty much the only thing on my mind right now. I was fine all day and then all of a sudden, it just crept into my awareness. It sucks how it ruins the days leading up to the appointment. I try, desperately, to not have this happen and I fail every time. I lose days, sometimes weeks to the fear surrounding these appointments.

Anyway, if you feel like it, pray that everything goes okay next Tuesday.

I know I know

I didn't post every day for a week. I also didn't spell check the last post nor did I notice the typo in the title. Oh well. Anyway, I am going to really make an effort to post more. I used to use this blog as a way to sort of dump out the contents of my head, but like I said, these days, I am censoring myself out of fear for some reason. Fear of what people will think of me. All you people that I don't even know, well, most of you I don' t know and I don't have a clue who you are cause you all lurk.

Anyway, I am bored out of my mind, so that's why I'm here. Work is painfully slow and I am counting down the minutes until I can go home. There are a lot left by the way.

I am sponsorless again, as of the other night. I'm really pissed about the situation, not about being sponsorless, but about what happened. Basically what happened was I last talked to my sponsor before Christmas. I called her and called her and she didn't call back. So I kept calling, leaving my usual messages and she didn't call back. So I figured she was busy. So I kept calling, leaving my checking in messages and she kept not calling back. Then I started to think something was wrong. This is really not acceptable. This is just my opinion, but if you are sponsoring someone, you really are obligated in a way to call the person back. Granted I've been sober long enough that I don't need a call back immediately or anything, but come on, after a month, you really ought to call your sponsee back.

Well she called the other night, after I had been calling her for like 4 weeks leaving "just checking in" messages. And she said she was just busy. That wasn't really acceptable to me. We decided to part ways because well, the sponsor/sponsee relationship doesn't work when your sponsor doesn't call you back. Besides, she is moving anyway at some point down the road.

But this really left me pissed off and it's festering and I am harboring a resentment about it. She was basically rude when she called and completely dismissive.

All I can say is sometimes you think you know someone...and then it turns out you didn't really know them at all.

Thinking more about my job

I've been thinking more about my job situation. That and how stable or unstable my mood is are pretty much the only things on my mind. And the more I think about my job situation, the more I think I am going to have to wait to cut hours down, unfortunately. I know it's only January, but my colleague is going on maternity leave from mid-July through mid-October. I have to take over her entire work load. Now given how slow it is now that would probably give me enough work to be busy a decent amount of time, but the last time, I was swamped. If we get busy again, and who knows when we will, her entire work load plus mine is difficult to manage. It was difficult the last time.

So what am I supposed to do? I don't know. There is simply no way they are going to be agreeable to me going down to 1600 hours when I have to do the work of 2 people for 3 months. 1600 hours won't cut it. The other problem I keep thinking about is the problem of enforceability. When we get busy again, how am I supposed to enforce it? They heap work and more work on me and there are deadlines to be met. I can't leave at 4 and get it all done. I don't know what to do really. Supposedly when you are on reduced hours, and you exceed your requirement, they compensate you in your bonus - but I have found, based on what I have heard, that this isn't the case. You may not get compensated for it.

So I am back where I started with the same dilemma. Do I stay at 2000 hours and simply bill 1850 for my full pay, fore go any bonus and hope for a raise, or do I cut down to 1600, get paid less and end up billing 1850 anyway and not be compensated for it. At this point, and until her leave is over, I think I am stuck with option 1 because I won't be able to enforce the reduced hours. I think I am stuck with simply trying to work less and maintain better balance and not feel guilty about it when I walk out the door. Good luck with that.

On the job front

I haven't been feeling great about my job, as I mentioned. In fact, I haven't felt very good about it since I returned from my leave of absence. Though I do feel a bit better today about my options. My firm lets people cut hours (which I sorta forgot about until someone reminded me), so, for example, I can go down to 1600 billable hours a year for 80% of my pay. 1600 hours is sounding really good right now. I am thinking seriously of doing this. I never really thought I would, but I am. I am a little worried that the partners that I work for aren't going to like it, but I feel like it is necessary for my mental health. I am sure someone has to approve it. I am sure I need their blessing to do it, so I'm not sure what to do really. I just feel like I want to do it. Even though yeah, things are better than they were, I feel like I am barely hanging on some days and for some reason all this extra responsibility is being heaped on me at work. I don't mind some extra responsibility but this is getting to be too much at once. I feel like for health reasons I need to cut my hours down and lower my stress level. Is that unreasonable?

Not knowing whether to say it

I know I said I would post every day for a week and I already messed that up by not posting yesterday. So who knows, maybe I'll post twice. I guess lately I just feel like I don't have anything to say (that's been for a long time actually), and rather than unloading the contents of my head in a rambling fashion, I've just been keeping it all to myself. Which isn't necessarily a good thing. I am feeling like there are things I can't talk about. When I first started writing this blog, it was supposed to be about breast cancer and AA and those things are not to focus of my life anymore. I don't know what is. I'm trying to figure it out. And when I first started writing this I was self-conscious about what I was putting out there. I censored myself I suppose. Then eventually I didn't care anymore and wrote whatever I wanted, not caring if people judged me or didn't like me or didn't want to read my blog. Now I feel all self-conscious about it again. I feel like there are things I can't talk about. So that's why I haven't been posting. I'm just trying to figure it out.

Nothing like a little boredom to get you posting again

Hi folks. Still here. I don't know why but I don't post lately. I have no reason, I just don't post. I have time, I just don't do it. I know you check, and I don't post. So, this is me making an effort to return to posting. I am going to post every day for a week. I swear. And then we will see where it goes from there.

So for starters, an update to bring you up to speed:

Work has finally slowed down. It hasn't come to a grinding halt, but it's painfully slow. Hence, I am posting. We all wondered if the economy was going to hit our practice area (which is privacy by the way, in case I never mentioned it, I'm a privacy lawyer) and I can say yes, indeed, it has, finally. It took a while. We were busy until Thanksgiving and that's when the slow down hit. It's the what, 13th of the month and I've billed 26 hours. I usually bill that in 3 days. Oh well. It means I won't hit my hours this year and hopefully that's okay, because no one else will either. The other privacy associate is going on maternity leave again so I feel pretty secure in my job, for now. And I am writing articles and doing other stuff to look productive, cause it's all about appearances after all.

For the first time in the almost 3 years since I've been at my current job, I am considering what it would be like to leave. To say forget it, making partner isn't what I want. I've liked this job so much that I never thought I would leave it. But ever since coming back from my leave, something isn't the same. I think it is that my perspective on what matters has changed. It just isn't what I am excited about anymore. Honestly, I am not that excited about anything these days - but my job is most definitely not on the list. I am at this jumping off point at work though where I either go for it, or I say forget it. Granted I have a while to make a decision, but I am either taking steps in the direction of making partner or I am taking steps towards leaving. Cause that's my option if I say here.

I am planning another trip to Miraval spa, the most amazing place on earth. Well, at least I think so. I am going in early June before my colleague goes on leave and I can't wait. I am already fantasizing about spa treatments. Oooooohhhhhh.

I have a mammogram on February 3rd and I am already stressed about it. I hate these appointments. The days of my life leading up to them are ruined by the fear and anxiety that they cause me. They are torture. The last time they thought they saw something in each breast, took more films, still saw it, did an ultrasound, couldn't find it, decided there was nothing there. It's horrible. I can't even describe what it is like sitting there waiting for the technician to come tell you that they see something. It's just beyond description. On the up side, it will be three years in May since my diagnosis and my doctor says it is most likely to come back within 2 years of diagnosis. Do you know that almost 3 years later, I still cannot believe this has happened to me. When I think about it, it still feels like it has destroyed my life. Ugh. Anyway, the other good thing I suppose, according to my doctor, is that I had a triple negative tumor which she says means it is least likely to come back (however, it is also the most dangerous). Does any of the information help or anything my doctor tells me about recurrence? Not really. It is still just as horrible. I want so badly to enjoy the next two and a half weeks of my life because what if the rug is yanked out from underneath me again? I will have regretted wasting it. Don't waste a second of your life being miserable people - trust me, it's short. Anyway, as you can see - none of this has gotten easier.

As far as being on medication goes, I have stuck with that despite not wanting to on a regular occasion and I have to say that finally, I am pretty much convinced that it is really working. I used to wake up every day like it was the greatest day ever, like anything was possible, super happy and motivated, loving everything about my life, and I would go to bed devastated not sure I could live it anymore. Well I no longer do that. I just wake up and it's another day and it's not perfect but it's not horrible and I go to bed and it feels the same, not perfect, not horrible, but doable, even kind of okay sometimes. But I have to be honest that I toy with it sometimes. I miss that extreme high, that extreme happiness on top of the world feeling. Sometimes I want it and I stick my toe in the water, it's just that if I get that way, then the opposite is inevitable. And the thing is, the low just got too low. The low got so low that I didn't know how or whether I could climb out again, after climbing out so many times before, day after day. Anyway, everything is different now that I am on meds and for the most part I would say it's a good thing. More on that later - that's enough for now...