Day of nothing or something?

I can't decide if I should do nothing today but lay on the couch all day and watch bad Lifetime movies that I have probably seen already, or whether I should get motivated, do things around the house, work a little bit, exercise, go to Target, and so on.  Either way though, I am really glad it is the weekend.  I needed it to be the weekend.

New York City here I come?

Status: approval pending.

The unintended consequences

There are always consequences to our behavior - to the decisions we make.  Sometimes unintended and unpredictable.  Sometimes we know and we ignore them or don't even consider them at all.  I have this little piece of paper taped to the shelf above my desk, right where I see it if I look up from my computer.  It says "it will not happen that way."  Because it never does.  Nothing does.  I make up all these crazy scenarios in my head, play them out to the end and then when comes right down to it, something else altogether happens.  Sometimes it is worse or better than predicted - it's just that it's never as predicted.

I pulled trigger number two almost a week ago on the moving to New York issue.  Trigger number two is the most important one because ultimately he is the one who has to make the transfer happen.  It did not go as predicted.  Not only that but I failed to consider the full extent of the consequences of my request.  I didn't even anticipate what they were.  All I was looking for was a relocation.  Kind of like moving to Michigan, which they refused to let me do.  Just do my job, from some where else.  It's no secret now that I would rather be doing my job from some where else.

I anticipated that there would be discussion, a dialogue amongst the key people, some convincing to be done, some throwing political weight around, a lot of concerns expressed, possibly being told no, follow-up discussions, questions about why, explanations about management.

That's not what I got.  By the day after I asked, I was told that the head of my practice group could pull it off.  Just like that.  Which isn't to say there won't be discussions and convincing to be done, and it's not a 100% guarantee, but just like that they said ok.

Not only did they say ok, but by the end of my discussion with the head of my group, he had talked himself right into being excited about it.  As soon as I said New York he immediately switched into political strategy mode, and it is obvious to me now that he is going to use this as an opportunity to further his own personal agenda for our group.  Which is fine I guess.  I mean he has to sell it to management some how.  His goal is to integrate the practice groups in New York and Chicago.  What a great way to do that by sending someone from Chicago out to New York.  And it makes good business sense from the perspective that there is a lot of opportunity to be had in New York.  Our competitors are in New York and we have no presence there.  It's an easy sell almost.

I will be the face of our practice group in New York, which is exciting in some ways, and scary in others.  Am I really ready to be that independent?  Do I really know what I am doing?  I mean I am getting awfully close to making partner and no doubt lacking confidence in myself.  And the question of whether I want it or not is a very open one.  At one time I wanted to make partner.  When I was right out of law school I wanted to do litigation and quickly realized that I did not and that regulatory compliance, the farthest thing you can get from being a litigator, was what I wanted to do.  And then I still wanted to make partner, and then I didn't.  And then I wanted to and then I wanted to leave for a company.  And since last August I have continued to want to leave for a company.  But if you knew you could make partner - you knew for sure you could make it if you just did x, y and z.  Wouldn't you go for it?  Even if you ultimately ended up leaving, would you take it if you knew you could get it first?  Would you be motivated to do x, y and z, all things you don't want to do, if you knew for certain that it would be absolutely no trouble to get it?  And what if when you get it, it isn't what you think it is but it's actually ok?  Isn't it better to get it and leave than to not know?  I am torn.  Some days I want it and some days I really don't, I just know that I am not ready.  That I know for sure.  I am not ready.

The unintended consequence that I failed to consider, that I didn't even think about, that I wasn't even aware of, is that this amounts to an advance in my career.  To be the face of our practice group in New York means a lot of things that I didn't consider.  In doing this, I have just accidentally propelled myself further down the path to making partner at lightening speed, and probably gotten myself into doing x,y and z.  Whoops. 

Pulling the trigger

I have made some major life decisions.  It makes me nervous but it is time for a change.  I have been living the same life for 5 years now and I am ready to move on.  I have been unhappy in my job and unhappy in Chicago.  My efforts to move back home have been, let's say, blocked by an asshole in management.  It seems rather unlikely at this point that the two partners I work for are going to be able to change their mind.  It's actually not just a matter of them not being able to, it is a matter of them being unwilling, for one reason or another, to try.  Because they could force the issue if they wanted to.  If they knew I had one foot out the door, perhaps they would.  If they had a clue that I will leave over it, they might view it differently.  But instead they blame it on a tax issue.  That's actually management's reason.  It causes a tax issue.

Well fuck them.

So I applied for that job in New York and they are taking their time to contact me.  I still feel pretty confident though that are going to.  But in the mean time, I have decided that I want to move to New York anyway.  I have a really close friend there and it is closer to my brother and his family in Vermont. I just don't want to stay here in Chicago.  I don't have any friends here.  I don't have any family here.  I don't have anything keeping me here.  I am ready to go.

But the question is, how do I get out of here.  It's not easy for me to find a job in my practice area at a company (other than this really awesome job that I applied for), and I wouldn't leave my firm for another firm because that doesn't make sense.  I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner.  We have an office in New York.

When I told the partner I needed to talk to him and asked him to shut my door, I could see mild panic spread across his face.  He probably thought I was going to quit, and well, he should really be prepared for that.  Unfortunately, I am the one doing most of the work for the group, so although I don't want to sound overly important, when I do leave, they are really going to be in trouble.  They  might have thought of that sooner.  Before they pissed me off enough to leave.  It's a combo of factors that make me unhappy at my job, not worth going into.

But anyway, I pulled the trigger.  I decided to move forward and not look back.  I requested a transfer.

The two day diet

So I have been doing this diet since last fall.  I use the word "doing" loosely.  Last fall I did the diet for a month and lost 6 pounds.  Then I went off of it for Thanksgiving through New Years and gained 4 pounds.  Then I half-assed it and lost 5 pounds.  Then I gained two, lost two and gained one.  Maybe I am just gaining and losing water at this point.  Anyway, I have been trying like hell to get back on it.  But every day I end up telling myself tomorrow is a new day.  I can always start over tomorrow.  I never make it past day 2.  No wonder it isn't working.  I usually make it through day 2, cheat on day 3 and start over on day 1.  Sometimes I cheat for two days.  Nothing magical happens in 2 days.  It isn't really a 2 day diet.  You don't suddenly drop a bunch of weight in 2 days, you just end up really hungry.  I wake up starving and then cave when I get to the office, eating a chocolate croissant and drinking a chai latte.  I am trying to decide whether to continue.  I am thin already but I have gained weight.  I want to get back to the weight I was a couple of years ago because I just can't get rid of the pants that don't fit.