Peaceful

The worst part is having to lie about it

The worst part about spending Christmas alone is not the fact of being alone on Christmas, it is that you have to lie to nearly everyone you know about it. You can't tell the truth because then people invite you over out of pity. And I don't want to spend Christmas with people who only invited me because they felt bad that I had no where else to go.

Everyone thinks I am in Michigan, except the people in Michigan. They think I am somewhere else. But really I am home alone.

Sure, it depresses me to spend Christmas alone. But my options were alone, or go back to Michigan and spend Christmas Eve with my dad's family, and wake up on Christmas Day and spend it alone. Either way I am alone. But this way I didn't have to spend it with people I don't like anyway and I can just wake up and be alone in my own house instead of waking up alone in my brother's.

My brother is lucky that he has a nice family to spend Christmas with. But I don't have a significant other so I don't have anywhere to go.

It's just another day right.

Today is my 3 year AA anniversay

This time around it just feels like another day, like it isn't a big deal - not like the first one. Anyway, I'm glad to have made it this far. I'll just keep going.

Today is the anniversary of

The last day that I did breast cancer treatment. That was two years ago. Technically they count your years of survival from your date of diagnosis. That was two years and seven months ago, almost to the day. But I consider today to be the day that I officially survived. You would think it would be an easier day given that I survived and all, but it isn't.

Decidedly out of place

This Thanksgiving trip has been what I thought it would be. Pretty much exactly. It's been fun enough, it's been relaxing. The talk about wine and drinking wine, and the taste of wine and how wine is made and whether it's dry wine - that bothered me only a little, much less than I expected. It turned out to be pretty much a non-issue - the reason being that no one cares about it as much as I do - though that doesn't mean that I shouldn't go to a meeting. I haven't been to a meeting in a month. Yikes.

My AA anniversary is in 16 days. That has nothing to do with this post. Just saying, that day that is more important than my birthday - it's coming up. (It is also the anniversary of when I finished cancer treatment, but I was actually trying to forget that). Is that why I feel weird? People always say that it is normal to "get weird" around your anniversary. I don't know, this time around it sort of feels like just another day, just another year. It means nothing to anyone but me and why do I feel like crying? It is unrelated to my anniversary I think.

I am upstairs trying my hardest not to cry because at some point I need to go back downstairs. The thing that I feel that I can't put into words is simply a feeling of being in the wrong place with the wrong people. I feel out of place and like I don't belong. This is my family and I am acutely aware that I don't belong here. I don't have enough in common with these people. And my brother has his own family, their own rituals and traditions. I feel like I impose on them more than I should and they have always made me feel welcome but that doesn't make me feel like I belong.

Everyone is coupled and all I can think about are the ways my life didn't turn out the way I had planned and the things that I think have ruined it and the things that I have to live with that other people can't understand. Of course they never do - things never turn out the way you plan, but no one tells you that in time. No one bothers to tell you and it's just another thing you become painfully aware of. If I had known all along that it was all about adjusting your expectations, I might not have had any.

This was bound to catch up with me. I felt it coming last night.

I know, 95% of my posts are depressing. Sorry about that. Maybe that's why I feel like I need to start over.

At 4:30 am

When we were kids we used to go up north a few times a year to the cabin we had in the Upper Peninsula. This always involved getting up at 3:30 or 4:30 in the morning to head out so that we could beat the traffic or something. It was a 7 hour drive and for some reason we had to get up at an ungodly time in order to get there early. Why? Good question. The process of packing the car was always an undertaking, rarely simple and if I remember correctly, always involved a test packing. Meaning that the day before everything would be put in the car to make sure it would fit and then would be taken back out. Maybe this is why I always test pack my suitcase before I take a trip.

Anyway, my parents used to pack all the clothes and blankets and things in large garbage bags. These bags would be stuffed down in between the front and back seats and then a sleeping bag would be laid over the top so we could lay down and curl up and sleep. The space in the middle, that little middle seat - that was called no man's land and we put our stuff there, walkmen and whatever we had. Funny that we used to ride around this way and never wear seat belts, while my parents chained smoked with the window barely cracked. How things have changed.

I'm not usually one to have fond memories of my childhood. In fact it down right sucked which you might have gathered if you've been reading this for a while, or maybe I haven't written enough about it for you tell - but trust me it sucked. Rarely can I come up with happy memories. But I do have some happy memories of going up north and hanging out with my cousin Jodie. We used to rake leaf houses and pretend that we lived in them. We had a club, I can't remember what it was called. We talked about ghosts and Ouija boards, and whether or not our cousin could have been our uncle reincarnated. We made up stories about Mr. Sander-Pooper who lived in the scary green shack. I went fishing with my dad and probably nearly every time we rowed across the lake, I had to pee. We would go berry picking with my dad and it would take hours upon hours.

It takes a lot of effort for me to come up with happy memories. I just don't have that many of them and I really have to think about it to come up with them. But for all that went wrong in my childhood, I don't blame my father. I think he meant well and that he was basically clueless actually. I think he didn't know what to do - so he just didn't do anything.

So anyway, those are the things I've been thinking about since I've been up here, happier things. My brother probably remembers the whole thing differently. In fact sometimes we tell stories and you might wonder whether we didn't grow up in different houses. It's funny the way memories are like that.

Road trip

So I am here on night one of a family trip up to Traverse City Michigan for the Thanksgiving holiday. Right there you should know that bad things are about to happen. Family and trip.... Anyway, 12 of us from my dad's side of the family, including my dad are here. And no, nothing bad has happened, just saying, these two words don't necessarily go together. To be honest, all I really want is for my meds to kick in so I can go to sleep. That's all I really want. I just want to go to sleep. I've nearly resigned myself to this meds taking thing. Nearly. It's not that this trip won't be fun, it's just that, to be honest, I have mixed feelings about being here. We did this four years ago and we had fun. But the circumstances are different.

Four years ago I drank. And it wasn't that I drank excessively on that trip (or ever really for that matter), it's just that it was a non-issue. It might be a non-issue this time, but it might be an issue. I don't know yet. I can say that I haven't been to a meeting in three and a half weeks. Gasp. I know I know, I need to go. I just haven't felt like it and once you break your routine of going, it's hard to get it going again. And the reason I haven't been posting - I haven't felt like doing that either. Mostly because I just don't have much to say.

Anyway, yesterday I drove from Chicago home to Michigan. Today we drove to Traverse City. Three cars, caravanning (I don't think that is a word). I am in the middle trying to follow my brother and not lose my dad. My brother drives fast, my dad incredibly slow and I'm stuck in the middle with one eye on each of them. At one point I lost my brother completely (what did we ever do before cellphones) but eventually we all got back together and made it here.

We rented a house for the weekend. The house is nice. I'll post pictures when I get back home. There will be game playing, lots of food, more game playing. It should be fun. I'm leery of the drinking and was obsessed with having the Internet while here. Because no, I can't disconnect from you dear Internet for 4 days. In fact, I was so obsessed with having Internet that I was prepared to buy a new computer if that is what it took to have it. It didn't - instead I procured a Sprint Internet card - that I can return cause I have 30 days - which didn't work on either of my computers, but I convinced my work to override the security and load it for me.

So, here we find ourselves. The other part of the reason I haven't been blogging is that I really feel I need to start over. I need a new blog. I started this blog when I had breast cancer and when AA was more the center of my life. Neither of those things are true but this blog is tainted by them. Or so it seems. Anyway, we will see what tomorrow brings.

I will post again soon

I promise.

Almost intolerable

My anxiety level has become almost intolerable. I say almost because I am still sitting here, tolerating it, but I very nearly can't take it anymore. My anxiety level has been out of whack for the past few weeks. Before I felt relatively anxiety-free - now, it's through the roof. It's a 15 out of 10. I am physically feeling it which I don't always when I have anxiety. It feels like it is making me physically sick. It's not the OCD kind of anxiety. I didn't even unplug the lamps (I am going out of town today). It's something else. Like an impending sense of doom or something of the sort. Like something bad is going to happen and I don't know what. And to make matters worse, I have to get on a plane today. Now I don't have a huge fear of flying in general, but today, it is making me anxious. I feel so anxious I feel sick. I don't know what to do - I can't figure out what is causing it.

I hate it when they do that

You know how you write the grocery list in the order of the store (at least that's what I do) cause it makes it so much faster to shop? I like to be in and out, real quick, no hassle, and I only like to go during the times of the day when other people aren't there (i.e., before 9 a.m.).

Well, apparently I haven't been to the grocery store in a while and they reorganized the whole entire thing. I couldn't find anything.

They did get these cute little half sized cart things that I quite like a lot though so that makes up for it. Mainly I like the half carts cause they are cute - but what a great idea. They take up less space so they can have more carts.

As if I didn't pay enough for parking already

I have decided to pay more. That's right folks. I am going to shell out an extra $65 (PER MONTH) to park my car at my office. Cause doesn't everyone want to drive 2 miles to work in traffic and then pay a fortune to park the car? I know I do.

I have decided to switch my monthly parking from parking across the street from my office to parking directly under my office. There are some perks to this, but whether or not they equal $65, did I mention that is $65 per month, is in question. My name has come up on the waitlist, and I have decided to take it.

I had previously rationalized why monthly parking made sense. I would only save $20 if I took public transportation (cause naturally I would have to take a lot of cabs). This new expense I have not figured out how to rationalize. I am now paying an extra $85 PER MONTH more than I would be if I took public transportation based upon my previous calculation. Now, it could be that the calculation changes in the winter cause I would take even more cabs. Not sure.

Anyway, this is really a safety issue - or so I am telling myself. On the days when I work late, I don't feel safe walking all the way to my car in the parking garage across the street. It's just too big and I have to walk too far. Granted I never got mugged or anything last year, but it just made me uncomfortable to walk to my car after 7. Sometimes if I knew I was working late, I would move the car into the building cause I can get a pass to park in the building for free after 4:30. But that's a pain to move the car, it takes 20 minutes total to move the car.

Another perk is that I never have to go outside if I don't want to. I can go from the parking garage at home to the one at work, to the one at target and back home and then to Trader Joe's and to the regular grocery store without ever setting foot outside. I only have to go outside to go to AA meetings and that's only a couple of times a week. I don't have to wear boots, I don't have to wear socks, I don't even have to wear a coat in the dead of winter.

AND, I save time. We all know how I am about time. Everything not billable is "lost time" in my mind. I have been programmed that way and programmed to think of everything in 6 minute increments. I am losing time here writing this, 6 minutes at a time. By parking in the building that saves me 20 minutes per day. That's 20 minutes to post, 20 minutes to read blogs, or extra hours of billable time. Have I rationalized this yet?

And by the way, in the winter, I get to watch the sunrise from my office. So things can't be that bad, right?

Trust

Slowly, one by one, there are fewer and fewer people I can trust.

What giving up looks like

I don't know what giving up looks like. I'm trying to figure it out actually. Whether I have already given up, or whether I am still trying to. Don't panic or anything, that's not what I mean.

It's just that my life didn't turn out the way that I had planned and so I don't know what to do with it. Except give up on every single thing I thought I wanted. But how. And then what?

Suddenly seeming like a long way home

I set out this afternoon, leaving work early, to make the drive home to Michigan. It's not that far, but it's not that close either - 4 hours, almost exactly. I usually don't mind the drive; it goes by quickly and is usually relatively uneventful. For some resson, this time, I found myself not excited about making the trip. I'm excited to be in Michigan, to see my nephew, my brother. It just seems that as time goes by, I find myself feeling farther and farther away and less and less connected to the place that I'm from. It makes me feel like I don't have a home, because where I live doesn't feel like home either. From where I am sitting, it seems like a long way home.

I guess it is the perfect time to post

I am at work and waiting around for the partner to bring documents back to me and while there are some things I could be working on, well, as you can see, I'm basically not. I don't know why I don't seem to post regularly. I just don't feel like it. All I really have to talk about is my mood, and that's so uninteresting that I can't even really tell you how uninteresting it is. So I am going to once again talk about it.

This whole transitioning back to working thing has really thrown my mood for a loop. So much for being even most of the time. I've been all over the place for a week and a half now. Even, on the ceiling, somewhere between the ceiling and even, but closer to the ceiling, on the ceiling, half way to ceiling. Or should I say the walling. When I was little I thought the ceiling was actually called the walling. I don't know why. Anyway, it was great fun to say "lift me up to the walling!" and my dad would lift me up so I could touch the ceiling. I've been somewhere between even and the walling for days now.

So we tweaked the meds I'm on a little to try to get me even again. And today is the first day that I have felt perfectly in the middle. But you don't want to know what I took last night to accomplish this.

Guess what I got to do today?

Actually, I am not going to tell you. I am going to spare you the details because if I told you, you might never come back and read this blog again. You can guess if you want to, but I still probably won't tell you.

All I am going to say is that it involved bleach and a toothbrush.

I know I haven't been posting that regularly, so I'll be back later...

If I could have just one day

If I could have just one day where I didn't have to think about the fact that I had breast cancer, what a relief it would be. I would settle for just one day. To remember what that feels like - what it was like before. There is before and after - and it will never be what it was. The time when I didn't regret everything. What I would give not to regret everything. One day where I didn't have to live under a shroud of fear and anxiety. I wanted to feel empowered by it, by the fact that I am a survivor, but I don't, not anymore. I used to wear a bracelet that said I was a survivor but I stopped wearing it because I got tired of answering questions about the thing that I would give anything to just forget. It's hard to feel empowered by having survived something that may very well be the thing that kills you, and way before your time. It is hard to live, hard to plan, hard to be optimistic about the future. I am not, on most days. Most days I just wish for something I can't have. I don't know how to live with this anymore. I never did really figure it out, as hard as I thought I tried to.

It's breast cancer awareness month. It's in my face, all day at work, all over the place. Every where I go, a constant reminder.

My friend Nina posted asking people what they would want if they could have just one thing. She got it exactly right. Time.

Go ahead, ask me a dumb question

When you are a lawyer, every random person wants to ask you weird legal questions and they assume that you must know everything about anything legal, just because you are a lawyer. I can assure you that I do not. Majority of the questions are down right dumb. My mother does this all the time - calls me with a weird question. 3/4 of the times that she calls it is to ask me a weird legal question. 1/4 of the time, it is drunk dialing. More on that later.

A couple of days ago she called me to find out how to obtain a police report in the county that she lives in. My response: I don't know, just call the police station and ask. Duh. And then she says to me, well, why don't you know - you are a lawyer, aren't you supposed to know this kind of thing? Uh no - why the hell would I? Obnoxious. I told her either call the records department or go down there to city hall, it's on the first floor (why do I even know this?). I even had to look up the phone number for her. My mother doesn't even know what kind of law I practice, nor does she know the name of the firm I work for (nor does she care probably).

One of her friends once called me to ask me this: if my boyfriend has $500 in a bank account (and he dies) and I want to get the money out before his mother can get it, would it be illegal for me to forge his signature on a check and withdraw the money? Response: yes, that would be a crime.

Then she asked me if it would be illegal for her to forge her signature on the title to the boat so she could transfer the title to her name and sell it. Response: if the question has the word forge in it, assume it is illegal.

I know how ridiculous these questions seem, but I am not making it up. People call me and ask me these things. My mother has even given out my phone number without my permission.

There are some things that I don't mind helping people with, and certain people that I will help no matter what - but those are the people who ask real legitimate questions. I should have kept a list all these years of the stupid things people have asked me. I wish I could remember more of them.

If you landed here because

You are trying to figure out how to get cat pee out of carpet, use white vinegar and baking soda. It will get the smell out - but it will ruin your vacuum.

You are trying to get nail polish out of a porous tile floor, use a lot of nail polish remover, then Comet, then Oxy Clean. Hopefully the nail polish wasn't dry when you discovered it.

You don't like peeing at rest stops - pee at hotels instead. Just walk in like you belong there.

You have a pain under your arm - no, it's probably not cancer. But have it checked out if it doesn't go away in 10 days.

You can't concentrate - neither can I. I don't have any answers for you. But when you figure it out, stop back here and let me know.

You like to wear shoes without socks in the winter - so do I. I think it's perfectly appropriate.

You are wondering whether it will pass - it will. I promise. It just might suck really bad and be really painful before it does.

You have some questions about removing your catalytic converter and you happen to live in Massachusetts - I don't have any answers for you either. I never did figure out if it's legal to remove your catalytic converter in that state.

You are wondering about donkey auctions - we left before the donkey was auctioned. But I still would love to know what it sold for.

You are looking for pumpkin carving ideas - I do not recommend attempting to carve a relief with a u-gouge linoleum cutter. I stabbed myself with it and it took several practice pumpkins before I gave up and got one of those cool pattern books.

You are homesick for a place that does exist - so am I. I don't know what to tell you. So am I.

These are the top searches that have landed people at my blog recently. Sorry, folks, I am pretty much no help at all.

Did I mention that I got a new car?

I got a new car. I now drive a brand new Honda CRV. Tea green. Tan leather interior. Black accent. I love it. No more Passat with all the problems. I am totally turned off from German cars now. Darn. Oh well. Now I just need to purchase the all season floor mats and I'll be all set. Yay!

From 40 feet in the air

The lack of accountability

People in AA talking about needing accountability to stay sober. Needing someone to know where you, what you are up to etc. Whenever I go into a potentially dangerous situation, I always make sure someone knows where I'm at. That way they will ask me later what happened. That's creating accountability.

So the lack of accountability coupled with this phenomena where we don't do what we should do even when it's good for us - you know, I know you all do that from time to time also. Those two things combined resulted in me skipping one medication tonight. Why? I don't know. Because I have no accountability. Except you dear Internet. And even you can't make me take it.

I skipped the one that I consider least critical. I seriously do not have a reason for skipping. It actually makes me sleep (which I don't when I don't take it) and it also appears to cut my anxiety level down to nothing. So why oh why did I skip it? Like I said, sometimes I have to force myself to take my meds and then report to someone that I took them, or tell them that I'm thinking about not taking them so they can tell me to take them. How old am I?

Well, I've recently been told in no uncertain terms that I need to grow up, i.e., do what I am supposed to do and complain about it all I want, but do it anyway.

Yet tonight I still didn't do it. What's wrong with me? I am about to crash from some other sleep meds though so this isn't getting edited.

Good night. See you tomorrow.

It made me want to post

I was just looking through my statcounter to see what searches have been landing people at my blog and I think the number one search that lands people here is "inability to concentrate" (because I have an old post titled that). Folks, I don't have the solution for that problem. I wish I did.

And then I read old posts from last December, right around the date that I wrote the post about not being able to concentrate, and it made me want to post again. So I am back. Hi Jod.

The only reason I can think of for the fact that I haven't posted hardly at all in three weeks is because I have been bored. Bored bored bored. My life, it's boring. There is no substance to it. I need to change that but have been so far unable to motivate myself. I feel like I have plateaued at "as good as it gets." Am I content with this?

Anyway, as for my mood, that's on track. I've had over three weeks of evenness in a row, with no real dips to speak of. I did have a few crying fits but I label that normal. I haven't had any mania either. Darn, I like that. I have had anxiety though and lots of it. I think much of the anxiety is surrounding work but now that seems to have dissipated and I have become comfortable with the idea of working again.

I am now on three different medications. I don't know how I feel about that. I have this ongoing resistance to being on meds. I have always resisted it. I resisted it until it got so bad I couldn't handle it anymore. But see now that things are good, I have started to forget. Was it really that bad? Was it bad in a dangerous way? It's like the way I used to drink - seriously, was it that bad? I am always tempted by the thought of going off meds. I sometimes have to force myself to take them. I haven't figured out quite what this resistance is all about, or why I would give up even (which let me tell you, has been amazing) just so I didn't have to take something. It's screwed up, I know.

Okay, I am going to try to post every day for a week. I promise. And I know you don't believe me.

Pushing the elevator button

65 times does not make the elevator come faster. Pushing it really really really hard doesn't either. Just so you know.

I said I would post yesterday. I lied.

I'll post later.

Still kicking

Hey folks. I am still here. I haven't retreated or anything or decided to stop posting forever, I'm just on hiatus - I just haven't posted and I don't have a reason. Sorry. I know folks are checking. I'll post later. Promise.

Like riding in a wagon over a sidewalk with some huge cracks in it

My mood used to be more like a roller coaster ride. You are up and down and no plateaus really, and it's fast. Now it is more like riding in a wagon over a sidewalk with some huge cracks in it. It's a smooth ride sometimes - I get the plateau, I like it. And then wham, you are going a little to fast over the too smooth sidewalk and you hit a huge crack. These days, it's like that. The problem is, when I hit a crack, I don't snap out of it as quickly as my doctor wants me to. She says I should snap out of it in a day. It takes more like 5. I would say in the past 2 weeks, I haven't been very even. I've been mostly a little low and then I had two days of up, probably thanks to an unauthorized experiment with my medication. Ah well, what can you do - I don't always listen perfectly.

In any event, I feel still on the low side today so I called my doctor back. It might be time to add another drug. She said we could try adding a third one once these two level out. I keep feeling frustrated with this whole thing because it has been 3 months and I am still not leveled out; but I have to at least admit that my mood is significantly better than it was 3 months ago. I have to just remember that.

You won't want to miss this

Well folks, my spa extravaganza is coming to a close and here is what I would say - besides all the things that I listed in the last post. The challenges were the best part. Yes, climbing on top of that pole was better than an aloe wrap. Because what happened when I stepped on top of that pole or let go and walked across the log, or touched the top of the rock wall - that I will take with me, that will last a lifetime. The most challenging by far for me was the climbing wall because this was both mentally and physically difficult. The other challenges were more like mental games and to my advantage, I have no fear of heights at all so these challenges weren't about conquering that - in fact, the view of the mountains from up there was beautiful.

And the other thing I would say is that the life I thought I wanted before and the things I wanted in it, the things I thought I wanted my life to mean, the purpose I wanted to find in it, the person I thought I wanted to be, the things that I thought mattered, the person I thought I was and the things I thought I was capable of - if what I used to want - if these were the only things that I thought were possible in my life - I would have sold myself short in a very big way.

And if I had to sum it up in a couple of sentences, I would tell you to wake yourself up to this moment because these days - they are passing you by. Life can change in a heartbeat and trust me, you won't want to miss this.

My two favorite quotes for you:

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

In six days I have

The full list:

• Invited and accepted encouragement and support.
• Followed directions.
• Trusted my life in the hands of a stranger, more than once.
• Climbed to the top of a rock wall (this I did not think I could do (actually, I did not think I could do any of the challenges)).
• Smelled bad and not cared.
• Decided it's okay if this is as good as it gets (meaning the circumstances of my life).
• Realized that not everyone is looking at me and making fun of me, and if they are, oh well, how sad for them that they have nothing better to do with their time.
• Reached out for help without feeling bad about it.
• Not been afraid of feeling stupid when I express what I am feeling or describing what something means to me.
• Not been afraid to eat dessert five times in one day (two days actually and I might just do it again today).
• Walked across a log the width of your shoe 35 feet in the air with nothing to hold on to, and made it to the other side.
• Realized that I am capable of a lot more than I think I am.
• Discovered confidence.
• Seen an energy healer who opened my top three chakras (supposedly).
• Had a facial for the first time (an anti- aging one, cause you know that one line appearing on my 31 year old face is freaking me out a little (okay, a lot)).
• Talked on the phone to almost no one (can't say the same about gmail chat - I need some connection folks).
• Realized who I miss the most.
• Confirmed that I can no longer work when I'm sick or on vacation.
• Committed to focusing less on my billable hours.
• Planned to work less in general.
• Decided to enjoy every second more.
• Gone without makeup.
• Gone without "doing" my hair.
• Climbed to the top of a 25 ft. pole on top of which is a disk 10 inches in diameter that you have to step on top of without anything to hold on to; and then jumped off.
• Been hoisted 40 ft. in the air by eight other women and then swung like a pendulum.
• Helped hoist the other 7 women into the air (I'm going to be sore tomorrow).
• Met some amazing people that I intend to keep in touch with.
• Heard some amazing things about letting go.
• Tried acupuncture for the first time.
• Had an aloe wrap for the first time.
• Felt comfortable in my own skin.
• Eaten dessert with abandon (three desserts with my lunch today actually).
• Cared less about what my body looks like.
• Spoken up when I had an idea.
• Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.
• Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.
• Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.
• Stepped outside of it.
• Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.
• Not been afraid of looking stupid when I try something new.
• Done something even if I thought I might fail.
• Not been afraid to be myself.
• Spoken up when I had a question.
• Felt better about myself than I ever have before.
• Taken better care of myself.
• Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.
• Experienced true presence in the moment.
  

In five days I have

Here is an update on my progress...

• Not been afraid of feeling stupid when I express what I am feeling or describing what something means to me.
• Not been afraid to eat dessert five times in one day (two days actually and I might just do it again today).
• Walked across a log the width of your shoe 35 feet in the air with nothing to hold on to, and made it to the other side.
• Realized that I am capable of a lot more than I think I am.
• Discovered confidence.
• Seen an energy healer who opened my top three chakras (supposedly).
• Had a facial for the first time (an anti- aging one, cause you know that one line appearing on my 31 year old face is freaking me out a little (okay, a lot)).
• Talked on the phone to almost no one (can't say the same about gmail chat - I need some connection folks).
• Realized who I miss the most.
• Confirmed that I can no longer work when I'm sick or on vacation.
• Committed to focusing less on my billable hours.
• Planned to work less in general.
• Decided to enjoy every second more.
• Gone without makeup.
• Gone without "doing" my hair.
• Climbed to the top of a 25 ft. pole on top of which is a disk 10 inches in diameter that you have to step on top of without anything to hold on to; and then jumped off.
• Been hoisted 40 ft. in the air by eight other women and then swung like a pendulum.
• Helped hoist the other 7 women into the air (I'm going to be sore tomorrow).
• Met some amazing people that I intend to keep in touch with.
• Heard some amazing things about letting go.
• Tried acupuncture for the first time.
• Had an aloe wrap for the first time.
• Felt comfortable in my own skin.
• Eaten dessert with abandon (three desserts with my lunch today actually).
• Cared less about what my body looks like.
• Spoken up when I had an idea.
• Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.
• Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.
• Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.
• Stepped outside of it.
• Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.
• Not been afraid of looking stupid when I try something new.
• Done something even if I thought I might fail.
• Not been afraid to be myself.
• Spoken up when I had a question.
• Felt better about myself than I ever have before.
• Taken better care of myself.
• Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.
• Experienced true presence in the moment.

On the same theory that

Sometimes I force myself to do things on the same theory that I force myself to go to an AA meeting. Any good AAer will tell you that if you don't feel like going, then it's precisely the thing you should do, and probably need to do. I apply this elsewhere in my life. Oh - you don't want to do that - well, good, now you are definitely going to. It's the only way sometimes to force myself outside of my comfort zone - which really only has everything to do with familiarity.

Yesterday I decided not to do the tightrope challenge because I am so sore from these other challenges. Then I said, wait a second, no, I am doing it - so I am signed up for tomorrow.

This morning, as I was laying there at 5:30 a.m. contemplating getting out of bed to go walk across a log, I thought, nah, this isn't what I want to do. I really don't want to do this. This doesn't sound like a good idea anymore. This sounds too hard. I don't think I can do it.

I mean, it's one thing to get up at 5:30 if you want to choose to exercise, or if you have to be in to work early or have a long commute. But it's something else to get up at the ass crack of dawn for the purpose of scaring the shit out of yourself entirely (granted there are other more important and more meaningful purposes).

I knew that I had to do it.

And so I did. And I did do it - I walked across the log 35 feet in the air, no hands (duh) and made it all the way to the other side. I even have pictures this time - someone was nice enough to take pictures for me on my camera. I also have pictures of the pendulum swing but not the pole - so I may try to run over and take a picture of the pole, just to show you.

So anyway, I did it - and I am so glad that I did.

Tomorrow - rock climbing and tightrope walking.

Oh - and a mani/pedi!

This blog needs a new

Name, description, feel, purpose, energy, layout, URL probably, everything.

This blog started when I was in early sobriety and had breast cancer so I could talk about those two things. Those two things are no longer true. I need a new blog.

It starts to look glamorous

After 4 days of not going to an AA meeting, it starts to look glamorous doesn't it? It does. You know, all the people in the bar/lounge sipping wine and eating appetizers. You might wonder why I went in the bar/lounge if I thought it was going to make me want to drink. Well, duh, I was hungry. And I also didn't know that it would trigger me like that. But just think about it, a glass of wine (ahem, a bottle or two) with dinner, pairing your wine with what you are eating, comparing it to other wines, thinking about wine tasting in Sonoma and your favorite winery there...it all leads to...well, disaster really. No, of course I didn't drink. But I did excuse myself and call my sponsor because I thought about it more seriously than I have in, oh, at least two years. It's been a really long time since I have excused myself from anything to make a phone call because of alcohol. And the reason I did is because the thought wasn't fleeting. It didn't pass through my mind like it usually does, almost unnoticed. I latched on to it. It almost sounded like a decent idea. Just one. Just one glass of wine because no one would know so I could get away with it. She didn't answer but it was enough to just tell on myself because I know that when I talk to her tomorrow she will ask me what happened.

This should not come as a surprise, that I had this thought - but for some reason it did. Never once in my sobriety have I left town and not had the thought, "but no one would know." I have thought it every time, no matter where I went or why I was there, with co-workers or alone. It surprised me because I'm at a spa - it's very peaceful here, very calm, very spiritual. But I should know better. I will probably always think about it when I travel.

I have to remember that when I drink, sometimes, anything is possible. I don't always know what we did, or how we got to where we went, or who drove, or how I got in the house, or in bed, and that I didn't care, about any of us, or what happened to us. I didn't care about anything. And yeah, it's true, I am in love with that feeling of not caring. I love it - the numb feeling. That numb feeling has recently gone from my favorite feeling in the world to my second favorite feeling (my favorite feeling these days is evenness, level - more on that soon). Sometimes, I wake up in my own vomit. That's how glamorous it is.

Okay, I have to try to go to bed really early cause I have to walk across a tightrope at 6:30 a.m. Have I lost my mind? Seems like it.

In three days (three and a half really) I have

I am adding to my list from yesterday. I know these lists probably seem silly, it's just that most things on these lists are things I have either never done, or don't do - like ask questions, yeah, I don't do that. I am doing a lot of things here and I don't want to forget them.

So, I have:

• Climbed to the top of a 25 ft. pole on top of which is a disk 10 inches in diameter that you have to step on top of without anything to hold on to; and then jumped off.
  
• Been hoisted 40 ft. in the air by eight other women and then swung like a pendulum.


• Helped hoist the other 7 women into the air (I'm going to be sore tomorrow).


• Met some amazing people that I intend to keep in touch with.


• Heard some amazing things about letting go.


• Tried acupuncture for the first time.


• Had an aloe wrap for the first time.


• Felt comfortable in my own skin.


• Eaten dessert with abandon (three desserts with my lunch today actually).


• Cared less about what my body looks like.


• Spoken up when I had an idea.


• Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.


• Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.


• Stepped outside of it.


• Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.


• Not been afraid of looking stupid.


• Done something even if I thought I might fail.


• Not been afraid to be myself.


• Spoken up when I had a question.


• Felt better about myself than I ever have before.


• Taken better care of myself.


• Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.


• Experienced true presence in the moment.

Tomorrow I will walk across a tightrope that is 35 feet above the ground. If I can get on top of that pole, I can cross a tightrope. I'll report back on how it goes. I also have a facial tomorrow and hopefully a sunset photography walk if the weather clears up. Yay!

One of the women at the pendulum was kind enough to take pictures of me and said she will email them to me - so I'll post those. I'll also try to run over to the pole tomorrow and take a picture of it so you know what I'm talking about! And the tightrope.

In two days I have

Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.

Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.

Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.

Stepped outside of it.

Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.

Not been afraid of looking stupid.

Done something even if I thought I might fail.

Not been afraid to be myself.

Spoken up when I had a question.

Felt better about myself than I ever have before.

Taken better care of myself.

Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.

Experienced true presence in the moment.


I still have 5 days left. This place will change you.

Because I can't go to bed at 10 to 8

What is one to do at a spa, after dark, when alone and not feeling like wandering the property in the dark, and when not signed up for any activity? Blog I guess. I know, I should be disconnected - but I am, my cell phone and blackberry don't work here - except in one area. Which is fine cause the property is cell phone free except in the designated cell phone area and your room. Well, mine doesn't work in my room. My phone sucks.

Anyway, so here we are, feeling sort of cut off from the world (ahem, but aren't you blogging? Yes, and talking to myself in my head apparently.). Why is it that a lack of phone service makes me feel so cut off when I have, hello, access to everything and everyone I could want to talk to through my computer? Who knows.


So day one was really half of a day. I got here, had lunch, went through orientation, unpacked, walked around the property 3 times to get oriented, got lost once or twice, reviewed the program schedule, got signed up for my Monday and Tuesday activities, had dinner, some excellent tea, chatted with a friend, made a few phone calls in the designated area, bought a hat cause I forgot mine, and showered. Now I am relaxing.

Tomorrow I am going to get up early (probably super early cause my body is on Central time, go for the 2 mile fitness walk at 7, I am all signed up to jump off the pole at 12:30 (in the boiling hot desert sun), and then I am going to do reflexology in the evening. Somewhere I have to squeeze dinner in around my spa appointment. Oh, the problems I have!

This bed, is like laying on a cloud. I mean, if I imagine what laying on a cloud would be like. I actually like my bed to be more firm, but I'll give it a whirl, maybe I'll like the could like, floaty, sinky, cushiony, fluffy feeling.

I think I can hang like this. This right here folks, is what I have been waiting for.

Good night. I'll report back on what sleeping on a could is like.

Oh, and you know what else I love about this place? They tell you what is in everything you eat. Calories, fat, protein and carbs. Everything - they tell you. It's like a dream come true for my almost eating disorder having self. Now, I am not making light of this - it's a serious problem, and it borders on serious for me from time to time. I'm just saying - it sure beats having to figure it out yourself.

Okay, good night. Really you know I am not going to bed. Really I am going to email people and read blogs. But good night to you in case you are going to bed.

I bet you can guess that the chocolate mousse was only so so - I suspect that it was not made with butter, heavy whipping cream and eggs. I bet not.

And I am in a goofy mood. Can you tell? See ya.

First class

Well, I am on my way to the spa, just waiting in the airport for my flight. I decided to treat myself to flying first class cause why not right? It was only an extra 135. I'll report later once I check it out. Unfortunately I won't be able to load photos until I gat back. More later...

I'll take it

I feel better today than I did yesterday. Not perfectly even but so much better that I would almost call it even. In fact, let's just call it even. I'll take what I can get - even if it is just for a day. I'll take it. I'm learning to appreciate it when I get it, instead of worrying about what's going to happen when I lose it again.

Later I will go to the car dealership to scope out a new car. Yay!

Feeling alone again

Well, I am frustrated. I am frustrated, sad, upset, and I feel alone. I just feel really alone. How is it possible that I feel this alone? I am having a bad day, a hard time sitting here, a hard time doing anything. I can't motivate myself but I am restless at the same time. Which is just making me feel awful. This whole process of trying to get my meds right is frustrating. I once again had 8 really good even days and then dropped down again. Now granted, not as low as before, but low enough and it's been since Tuesday. I need this to be better than this. 4 plus days of depression after 8 days of even is not good enough. I need this to be better. But what do I do? Just wait I guess. I am frustrated because we up the dose of Lamictal and then after a few days I go the other way - too hyper, too happy, so we up the dose of Abilify, then I even out for 4, 9, 8 days, then I go down again, then we up the dose of Lamictal and then I go the other way...and so on. Instead of going up on Lamictal this time, I am going down on Abilify. 9 days of even is the record. Only 9 days. What am I going to do if this doesn't work? I am so exhausted by the whole thing.

Did I mention how alone I feel? Oh right, I did.

The few things I figured out while on leave

I have figured a few important things out: a) I like my job, a lot; b) I don't miss it, at all; c) I could care less if I go back there, ever really; d) I would like to quit and walk dogs all day.

Some flowers for you

A spa extravaganza

I know, I haven't posted about my leave really - but I leave for the spa this Sunday! Everything is all set.

Of course there will be lots of eating and a spa service every day. Here is the loose agenda:

Day One: Arrive and meet the spa rep at the baggage claim - rep will have a sign with my name on it. Oooohhhhh, how weird. Check out the property. Relax. Check out the food (I have heard the food is amazing at this place). Do the 45 min Stretch and Relax program before dinner. Do the Evening Meditation after dinner. Relax some more and check out the property some more.

Day Two: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do Quantum Leap where I will jump off the 25 foot pole (and remember this is where, on day two, I will leave "it" all behind. It would be everything). Do the Evening Meditation. Have reflexology. Relax. Eat.

Day Three: Do the Morning Meditation. Have accupuncture. Do the Sunset Photography Walk. This is the thing I am most excited about because I have a new, really nice camera. Relax. Eat.

Day Four: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do the Morning Meditation. Do Swing and a Prayer. Have an aloe wrap. Attend Photo in Focus, a three hour photography class. Relax. Eat.

Day Five: Do the Morning Meditation. Attend the Mindful Eating program. Have a facial with vitamin C infusion. Attend the Mindful Stress Mastery program. God knows I need to figure this out. Do the Evening Meditation. Relax. Eat.

Day Six: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do the Morning Meditation. Attend the Grief, Loss and Letting Go" program. Have a pedicure. Attend the Healing Power of Deep Listening"program. Relax. Eat.

Day Seven: Do the Morning Meditation. Have a mud wrap. Do the Evening Meditation. Relax. Eat.

Day Eight: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do the Morning Meditation. Head to the airport.

There are some other programs that sound interesting, but I don't want to try to squeeze too much in. I want to be able to sit by the pool and drink raw juices from the 24 hour a day juice bar.

You have no idea how excited I am. No idea.

I'll report from the spa if I can - I know there is Internet in each room and I am taking my computer. I know, you would think I would want to disconnect, but not completely - I can't disconnect from the blog world!

Unaccepting myself

Yesterday was supposed to be the day of accepting myself. I failed. I suppose you can't undo 31 years of negative self-talk and low self-esteem in a day by simply deciding to. Though I do think there are some things that you can change by simply deciding to change them. I think it is possible to wake up one day and say I am going to behave differently and then do so. I have seen people do this over and over again in AA. The other day I read something on a blog about someone learning to accept herself just the way she is (I won't link to it though cause I don't know if she would mind), and it really helped me. It made me realize how little I have changed in regards to accepting myself. There I go, beating myself up again.

I frequently think in my head things like - I am too tall, my feet are too big, my hair is too thin, my body is proportioned funny, I wish I weighed less, I wish clothes fit me differently, I wish my legs weren't so long. Why is everything I think about myself spun in a negative way? I worked through this book on self-esteem quite some time ago and one of the exercises was to describe yourself (mine was predominately negative) and then you had to re-write everything you wrote in a positive or neutral way, i.e., I am X feet/inches tall, my feet are X size, I wear size X. It was eye opening. Did anything change when I did that? Yes and no. It is really hard to re-train your brain when those thoughts have become automatic. I am aware that I do, but I still do it.

I haven't been able to change it on self-knowledge alone. I guess I have to try harder. Self-knowledge is never enough. I guess I knew that. Every time you catch yourself thinking something in the negative, you are supposed to change the phrasing around in your head so that you have new automatic thoughts. Right now I am trying to change my automatic thoughts about breast cancer. Is this working? Well, I have an awareness of it, but it's easier said than done, like all things related to changing yourself. I think that is the hardest thing a person ever has to do, change him or herself.

Wandering aimlessly

I am wandering aimlessly around my brother's house trying to figure out what to do with myself because they are at the farm until tomorrow.

Here is what's on the agenda for tomorrow:

1. Breakfast with dad around 8:30; stop at grandparent's house.

2. 11 am AA meeting.

3. Remove all-weather floor mats from car and hose them off in preparation for turning my car in (yay!!).

4. Vacuum car out.

5. Car wash.

6. Drive by dealership to scope out new vehicle.

7. Dinner with my cousin Jodie.

8. Concert.

That's it.

Equalibrium

Finally. I feel even again. As of yesterday. It's been oh, coming up on 3 weeks or so since I felt level. Finally yesterday/today I feel level. My doctor uppped my Lamictal last Tuesday to 200 mg. It's taken since last Tuesday for it to kick in. The unfortunate side effect of upping the Lamictal appears to be that I once again can't sleep. I can fall asleep. But I can't stay asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m. and am up for 2 plus hours. The thing is - I don't feel hyper or manic during those two hours, I feel calm and fine, I'm just awake. It used to be that I woke up and felt all out of whack - like I wanted to get up and clean and exercise and tear the house apart and reorganize the closet. I don't feel that way.

I've taken sleeping medication on and off for a while to deal with this. But I don't want to have to do that. I don't want to take Lunesta every night - though it works very well, most nights. I am worried about getting hooked on it in my head. It's not addictive (cause you know I worry about anything that is - though I never did drugs, I did take over the counter things in a recreational manner (Benedryl and other assorted things (did you know that those sometimes kill your appetite - my mother told me that back in the day, people used to take antihistamines as diet pills - that is not a good thing to tell someone who feels they need to lose weight - I am digressing))). Even when something isn't addictive, I get worried about becoming psychologically addicted to it. Especially when it has to do with sleeping, or making me feel out of it.

It seems to me that I slept better before I went on bipolar medication. Hmm. Makes it awfully tempting to go back off. Just to sleep normally. This is like drinking - you stop and then you go - well gosh, it wasn't that bad. I mean, I didn't drink that much - I didn't wake up in my own vomit that many times. I didn't "forget" what happened on a given night that many times. You just start to forget.

I am afraid I may be forgetting how bad my mood swingyness was there at the end. I need to remember that, otherwise, one day, I'll just unilaterally decide to go off. I wonder if this is like drinking in another way. When it comes to drinking - if you go back out, as we say - you don't go back to the beginning, you don't even necessarily pick up where you left off - you are usually much worse because alcoholism progresses whether you drink or not. That's why so many people, when they go back out, find that they destroy their lives in a very short time - much quicker than the time before. Or they end up dead. I know a lot of people who died when they went back out.

I wonder if this is like that - where you stop taking meds and find yourself much worse off than before. With drinking, it isn't worth finding out.

Every which way but one

In the past two months I have been checked out by my oncologist, her PA, my surgeon - twice, by way of mammogram and ultrasound. I am in the clear until February 3rd 2009. The only thing I haven't done is the MRI. My surgeon told me today that she does not believe that it is necessary at this time (radiology told me to do it in September). And we can revisit the issue in February when I have my mammogram. We had previously decided not to do them at all and she doesn't think it is necessary, but radiology keeps telling me to do it. She says - of course they do - they are radiologists.

I don't know if I feel a lot of comfort by what she said - that it isn't necessary. I mean, am I taking a chance with my life? Probably not but can you ever know for sure? Can I know that the spot that they saw on the mammogram I had two and a half weeks ago was nothing because it did not show up on the ultrasound? Can I have 100% comfort or do I have to live under this cloud of uncertainty? Hanging over me the MRI, the last mammogram. Am I going to let my leave be ruined by this fear? Am I never going to get involved with any man again because of it? Or am going to live the next six months as if I am going to live?

It's been hard to relax during this leave of absence. I keep telling myself that I should be more relaxed, less stressed. It's not work stressing me out. I frankly could care less about that, much to my surprise. But it is what it is. I am the way I am. I feel how I feel. And it's okay.

From an old journal

Having nothing to post about (except my leave of absence - and I guess I'll get to that later), I was digging around in the closet. I used to write, a lot, journals - pages, notebooks full that now sit in a box in the extra bedroom closet. This was years and years ago. My journals though were more like stories, at least a lot of them. Every once in a while I pull them out. It is funny to read some of them, sometimes sad. It is very telling. Here are some paragraphs from different parts of a story that I wrote a long time ago in a journal. I can't put the whole thing here, that would be embarrassing. I never said I was good at writing, I just said I used to write journals.

Counting down the days, like every time before. Until she is left with nothing but the hours. In a moment that she has been in so many times. Wondering about how she got here. Marveling at the arbitrariness of it all. They both know that she is lying but in his world you simply take what someone tells you at face value, and you act as if you believe it. And so he does the only thing he knows how to do. He trusts her, walking out the door without giving it a second thought.

The truth is in the subtlety of our behavior though. It is those passing moments that he talks about that hold the most significance. It is what you think in a passing moment, what you say in that unguarded split second when you tell the truth. There are words with only one meaning, only one interpretation. One word changes everything. They share a bed, his hand on her thigh, and he is unaware of the distance between them that exists in her mind. A distance that she blames him for because of his words, but it is also her lies that have created it and she can't get over what he said to her.

The pause before hanging up the telephone was because she knew. It was all that she needed in the way of confirmation, to know that the beginning of the end was upon her. Not knowing how long it would take to untangle, to unravel, to untwist what had become comfortable and pleasant and predictable. She never was one for attachment or for endings for that matter. She knew that the process had already started unconsciously. The undoing would be her own. She would detach herself from him in much the same way as before, while sitting across from him, sharing a bottle of wine over conversation. So that the final severing of their world into two would be simply like him slipping from her existence. Almost as if he weren't real at all, except for the photographs in the box.

She feels invisible around them. Those in the other room whose lives make hers seem small and insignificant. The truth is that she wishes she felt otherwise because everything meaningful about the moment is lessened by the observation that it is temporary. Like all things. Reminding her that she is indeed among them, the replaceable.

Asking for help for a friend

Hi folks. My good friend Nina has been through a lot and could really use a little help right now.

Please go read this post and help her if you can! Thanks to all of you reading, whoever you are, and thanks for helping out a friend!

My and my dad's shadow

The 10 (or is it 12?) days of blah

I have been feeling blah for 10 or 12 days now. Now that I figured out what it feels like to feel even and in the middle, I can tell when I'm off pretty easily. And I've been off. It sucks because I was feeling leveled out for like 9 days and then I went down. It's frustrating. I've also been having bad anxiety for over a week - though that seems to have dissipated some today. Probably due to my follow-up mammogram, which although everything was okay - at first they thought they found a lump in each breast. Are those appointments ever going to get easier or go well? Sheesh.

Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we upped the dose on one of the meds I am on (I'm on two). That should fix it/help, but every time we up the dose I swing the opposite direction. So we'll see what happens this time - it's only been a day. I do feel a bit better today, but probably not due to the medication. It takes about 3 days and then I go way the other way, hyper, excited, overly happy, super optimistic. And two days later I level out. This is annoying. I just want it to be right so that I can feel like the normal people feel every day. Ugh.

Isn't he adorable?

Digestion, by a two year old

This is what my nephew told me today as we ate or morning snack of bananas (in 2 year old speak, so you have to know him to pick out all the words) - first anana go in a mouth, den it go in da belly, den in da poop, den push it out in da hole.

He is so cute!

We believe that everyone should believe in something

So my cousin found this little thing that we wrote when we were 14 called "We Believe." We attempted to write down the things that we believed in at that age - some of these are from advertisements that we had hanging on our walls - others of them, I am honestly not sure where they came from. We made them up I guess. I remember when we wrote this. It won't be as funny to all of you, but when my cousin and I read it now, 17 years later, we were pretty much rolling on the floor laughing. So have a laugh if you want to - these are the things we believed in at 14. This was just one of the many silly things we did.

We Believe

We believe in truth.

We believe we can sometimes lie.

We believe it should just go.

We believe there is a man in the moon.

We believe that peace is possible, maybe.

We believe that imagination is a doorway to understanding.

We believe that this commercial is good.

We believe that music is a bridge of expression.

We believe that poetry doesn't have to be written.

We believe that lust is necessary.

We believe that we are all alone out here.

We believe that we are candles.

We believe that people make their own heaven or hell.

We believe little kids know more than adults.

We believe you should feel not think.

We believe that things should be visually appealing.

We believe that Fig Newton's aren't just a cookie.

We believe that people shouldn't ask so many questions.

We believe that everyone should believe in something.

We believe that God is not judgmental.

We believe in the right to choose.

We believe that the news is breakfast for your head.

We believe if you have to be lost, you should make the most of it.

We believe that you have to have the ball to play the game.

We think we believe that black is not the absence of color, but we are not sure.

We believe that there is emotion after all.

We believe that pain is real.

We believe that rage is productive.

We believe that men should feel like shit.

We believe that anger should not be controlled.

We believe that silence is gray.

We believe that panic is art.

We believe that apathy is everything instead of nothing.

We believe that tomorrow may never come.

We believe that coldness is an emotional state.

We believe that sexy is a state of mind.

We believe we are victims.

We believe you should say you are sorry.

We believe that people can be on different ends of the same wavelength.

We believe there is something west of imagination.

We believe you don't have to get it.

We believe in the power of touch.

We believe that they want to steal our thoughts.

We believe we may die tonight.

We believe in the child inside.

We believe that what used to look wrong, now looks right.

We believe you are soaking in it.

We believe in songs about a boy.

We believe you should stand out in a dark crowded room.

We believe size isn't everything.

We believe temptations are to be yielded to.

We believe you should try them on first.

We believe in the rain.

We believe you are never to young to start.

We believe you should use your noodle.

We believe you can't find yourself until you lose yourself.

We believe we are lost.

We believe no one can be completely satisfied.

We believe we are collecting dust.

We believe there is a picture in every cloud.

We believe forgiveness comes with time.

We don't believe in time.

We believe in other peoples dreams.

We believe that wisdom comes with experience, not with age.

We believe real men should cry, often.

We believe that everyone is Venus in the dark.

We believe you should look to the cookie.

We believe that beauty can't be defined.

We believe in kindling our spirits.

We believe that love is a game.

We believe that if something looks too good to be true, it is.

We believe that it is fun being us.

We believe that 1,200 bodies can be buried in 1 acre of land.

We believe in purity.

We believe we are all invisible.

We believe in spontaneous combustion.

We believe you should always show your true self.

We believe we might be.

We believe there is sex in cyberspace.

We believe there are things we see for the first time again and again.

We believe the walls tell the story.

We believe that green is the color of war.

We believe in existentialism.

We believe we have run dry.

We believe you can defy reality.

We believe you are never really free from yourself.

We believe you should hang on to your horizontal.

We believe in shared ecstasy.

We believe it is a hell of a long way home.

We believe there is intelligent life out there.

We believe that every song is a prayer.

We believe that the sky tonight is the color of tears.

We believe we should sleep forever.

We believe that love is a nightmare created by someone else in a parallel universe.

We believe we die little deaths every day.

We believe we should all dissolve and simplify.

We believe there is no such thing as making love, it should be there already.

We believe everything is the way it is because it is.

We believe everyone should have at least one.

We believe that if you don't feel pain, you can't feel pleasure.

We believe that insanity is the key to survival.

We believe that other people are the icing on the cake, but the cake should be you.

We believe everyone is an island.

We believe that no one can do everyone, but everyone can do someone.

We believe it doesn't sound how it feels.

We believe it tastes green.

Chasing a sunset

Tonight I went chasing a sunset with my dad, who I have posted almost nothing about, ever. I'm in Michigan now - from now until Monday. So far my time off just feels more like I'm on a weeks vacation returning to the office and the reality of it soon. I'm not sure when it will hit me that I am off of work for a while, but it needs to hit me soon, cause every day that I am this stressed feels like time wasted. I need to find a way to relax.

Anyway, my dad stopped over and we drove to the Huron River to take a walk. I took my new camera - I called my dad and asked him to go with me - I told him I wanted to test the camera out. It was quite a while though until the sunset so we walked around. Then we drove around. I think driving around might be one of my dad's favorite things to do. I actually also love to just drive around - so maybe I got that from him.

So we drove, up and down the river, past pretty neighborhoods, waiting for the sun to set. Honestly, I think we hardly talked. My dad and I don't talk about real stuff - we talk about the weather and how work is - we don't talk about other stuff, important stuff. I'm not even really sure what we talked about for an hour and a half, but it was clear that my dad had a nice time. He told me stories about the area from when he was a kid and where he used to fish and play in the woods. I guess that's what we talked about - the things he used to do. Oh, and we talked about catching fire flies and how he wants to show my nephew on Friday how to do that.

We drove all around and then the sun started to really go down - we were too far from the nice spot on the river where you really got a beautiful view. We tried to get back there in time so I could take photographs. But we missed it.


Maybe next time.

A little dramatic, don't ya think?

Okay, so maybe my last post was overly dramatic. But it does feel awful and it's true that I don't know what to do and it feels like the prospect of the MRI is going to ruin my time off. But yes, I admit it, that was probably overly dramatic. And to be honest, I am probably not going to do the MRI until January.

Hanging over me

My mammogram was clear. Yes, it was as traumatic as the experience I had in January with the MRI. The only thing that made it less traumatic is that I was able to get a definitive okay after only 3 hours of waiting as opposed to 3 days.

It is a kind of horrifying that I can't describe to you when the technician comes down the hall and says to you - we need more films, the radiologist sees a spot on each breast and can't tell if it is breast tissue. It is further horrifying when she still can't tell from the additional films so they want you to have an ultrasound. And in between all of these trips down the hall and conversations with the radiologist, you wait, and you wait. You wait in a room with other women. I can't bear to wait in that room so I asked if I could please just go somewhere and wait alone.

It is horrible. And then in the end it's fine, but you don't feel relieved for some reason. You ask 10 times, are you sure, are you positive, how do you know, are you sure you can't see it? I have to just tell myself that if the radiologist had any doubts about what she was looking at, she would triple check. But the up and the down and the vagueness and uncertainty make it hard to relax into the "okay." It's Wednesday morning, I've known since 3 p.m. yesterday that it is okay, and I still don't feel okay.

The reason is probably this. So we moved this appointment up from September to get it over with - so that I could go on leave and enjoy it and not be worried about a mammogram in September. That was the plan.

Remember how I said my surgeon and I decided to skip the MRIs because of what happened the last time? It isn't standard protocol and it was so traumatic - in fact it was that MRI experience that resulted in me needed this time off. Remember?

The radiologist wants me to do the MRIs. Now I have a conflict between two doctors.

The reason she says is because she had a hard time telling on the mammogram whether what she was looking at was breast tissue, or whether it was something else and it was hard to tell because my breast tissue is so incredibly dense. When you smash it and look at a 2 dimensional image of it, tissue gets compressed on top of tissue and you can't always tell what is what. The downside if the MRI is that it picks up everything, but presumably could pick up something that a mammogram wouldn't.

Yet my surgeons says it is not standard follow-up. So it's up to me I guess, to decide. If I had known that the radiologist would want me to do it so bad, I could have done it in mid-July and gotten that over with now too. But I wasn't planning to do it because my surgeon said it was okay not to. It is a calculated risk, how much chance am I willing to take with my own life?

The MRI, it has to be timed with my cycle, so it would either be at some point late in August or in September - I have to count the days.

Do you know what that means? That means for a good part of my leave, the fear and anxiety will still be hanging over me. I'm not sure I will be able to enjoy this time off or get the most benefit from it knowing hell is around the corner. I will anticipate it the entire time.

Help - I don't know how to let go of this.

Next week I am calling my surgeon to have her send me to the plastic surgeon - my doctor said she could do a nipple conserving mastectomy on me with implants under the muscle. I know, that seems drastic, but I don't know how much more of my life I can lose to these appointments.

I feel like I am losing my entire leave, the point is being ruined. I won't get another leave like it, and it's ruined.

Am I that obvious?

People have told me many times that I should go easier on myself. My various sponsors have told me that among others. Where did I learn this? I never realized just how hard on myself I was (am) until people started pointing it out left and right in early sobriety, and even now. It's just a feeling of I should be doing better, I should be dealing with it better, I should be X, I should be Y - beating myself up for not being different or doing different or not having changed enough.

I'm not sure how I learned this - this constant feeling of I am not enough - and didn't have an awareness of it. So I was at the eye doctor last week and you know, you have a mostly boring conversation with an eye doctor - I mean what do you talk about? Well, whether you can see for one, maybe the weather - I don't even remember, in any event, the conversation resulted in him saying to me, gosh, you are really too hard on yourself.

Seriously, am I that obvious?

I think it is probably right that all of the stress and anxiety and depression that I have been feeling since Friday is due to the mammogram I have tomorrow. I just feel sick about it. More later...

Someone yell at me, please

No, I was not experimenting by not taking medication again.

I checked my work email this morning. Just like I always do, on my blackberry, after I get out of bed and pray. Shit people, this checking out of work is harder than I thought. And if I am going to check email and feel compelled to handle something, I might as well be at the office. It's just that Spanish counsel sent the document that I was waiting for last week and even though I already told the staff attorney what to do with it, step by step, it would just be faster if I did it. And I like this client a lot. This is a good client development opportunity. What I am really worried about is the French document - I just know the French document is going to get messed up if I don't do it myself.

Seriously folks, HELLO. What is my problem? Leave of absence = not working, duh that was the point. It's a good thing I am going to Michigan on Wednesday cause I need a distraction, obviously. This being at home is going to cause me to go stir crazy. I mean, what am I supposed to do all day? Yeah I have a headologist appointment, yeah I have a dentist appointment, yeah I have to go to the cat sitting place, yeah I have few phone calls to make, yeah I need to call and/or meet with my sponsor, yeah I could go to a meeting. But I don't want to do any of that.

I feel anxious and nervous. I don't like this one bit. I need to turn this around somehow.

Alone

I just feel really alone. More so than normal. I feel like I have no one.

As if I don't feel guilty, as if I am unafraid

Hey folks, so I am going to try to track my leave here on the blog. I mean my "holiday." I am calling it a holiday like my colleagues in Europe cause it sounds better. So let's officially start today. We will see how long this lasts - meaning me keeping up with posting about what's going on.

Today I went shopping since this is after all about me enjoying myself. Frankly though, this holiday is pretty expensive, so I need to curb the shopping.

Also, I am doing a little AA thing on myself that we call acting as if. AA people always say, you have to act your way into right thinking (cause you can't think your way into it). In other words, if you change your behavior, your thinking will follow. And when you are struggling with something - AA people will tell you to act as if. If you don't have faith, act as if you do. If you don't want to do something, do it anyway and act as if you want to, etc. Act as if.

So, I am acting as if I don't feel guilty (cause I feel guilty as hell about this holiday), and I am acting as if I am not afraid of this mammogram (and we all know how I really feel).

I'm sorry for scaring anyone and I am definitely not joking about what I said in that last post - (I turned it back into a draft by the way because I definitely do not want to upset anyone) - meaning I definitely do not take it lightly. It's very scary, very - the whole experience is scary beyond anything I can describe, and I just need to be honest about where my head goes because AA tells me to be honest about what goes on in my head. And in this case, the reason is so I will be protected in case anything goes wrong. That's why I told my doctor that - because I need to be protected from myself and I can't guarantee how I would react. So I'm just being careful. But you can be sure that there are people who would protect me and support me. I didn't have that the last time really, but I do now.

I do take it very seriously - that's part of the reason I went on meds, cause my low got too low and it scared the shit out of me to feel like I had no control over myself.

On that note though - we upped the dose of both of my meds 9 days ago and I am happy to report that I had about 6 days in a row where I felt level, even, in the middle, like normal people. It was awesome. AWESOME. Yesterday I had so much anxiety though and then I crashed a little and was a little on the down side. I've had no upswing at all really. Regardless though - we may have to up them again, but the meds are working. I feel like a different person.

As good as real and just as bad as the last time

This upcoming mammogram is way too much on my mind.

I can tell because I had a nightmare about it last night - and whenever something is weighing heavily on my mind, I tend to dream about it. It isn't always bad or in the form of a nightmare, but this time it was.

Remember what happened to me in January when they thought I had breast cancer again - right - well, this was just as real and just as scary and just as bad as the last time. Waking up this morning did not feel like a relief - I felt like I did in January when it was real.

In my dream I was at the hospital - they kept telling me that I didn't necessarily have it again but might very soon but they couldn't really predict. I was hysterical. Some how my mother showed up. Now, if you know anything about my childhood and my mother, you know that this is the worst possible person to show up. I was going around the hall outside the room telling the nurses that I was going to kill myself and I needed someone to get my doctor. No one would pay attention to me - they kept telling me she was too busy to talk to me. I kept begging for her and no one would get her and telling them I was going to kill myself and they wouldn't get her for me. They let me leave the hospital in a hospital gown with my shoes. I left the rest of my stuff there.

It was horrible you guys. Horrible.

The thing is folks - that's exactly how I feel - that I would kill myself if it happened again because knowing what I know now, I would rather do that than go through anything like what I went through the last time. I told the psychologist at the cancer center that - that I would kill myself if it happened again. She told me that it now says in my record that I am not to be allowed to leave the hospital in the event it ever happens again.

They let me leave.

I woke up.

The Star

A few years ago now, maybe like 3 - my friend Elyssa did a tarot card reading for me. I don't really know what I think about this - she was into it and we would do this for fun. She used to do these every time we hung out. I've only seen her once in the past 3 years. The last one I had, was a past, present and future reading. So 3 cards, one representing each. My future card was one of the best cards you can get. I was cleaning out my wallet today and I found the description of the card. I've been carrying it around ever since. It was the star card and it says this:

The Star

"This is the card that tells you that you are being guided in the right direction. The picture displays a naked woman kneeling down beside a river with two jugs in her hand. She is pouring water from the jugs into the stream. In the background is a large star, almost directly above her head and seven other stars around it. There are birds, flowers, trees, shrubbery and green grass around her. She appears tranquil and at peace in her natural surroundings. If this is yourself, you are intuitively heading towards the direction of where you should be on your own personal path in life. You are also about to have much abundance enter your life through many and varied ways. If you have been looking for a certain job, more than likely you will achieve it and this will reflect what is going on inside you, which is finding your true niche in life. You are also able to express yourself more truthfully without hindrances from your past or your upbringing. Your intuition is extremely heightened at this time and can bring on flashes of insight to guide you through the many decisions you are going to be facing. Trust in your future and show great faith against the odds and you will succeed. Something to do with the country, or near a river or ocean may figure strongly in an event which will occur within about one month."

Funny, but reading this now, I think it is strangely accurate and reflects what has happened since I got this card. I got sober - my life is filled with abundance because of this - moved for the job I always wanted (I work near the river - not sure about that connection), had breast cancer which changed my whole life - had to make hard decisions but felt guided in doing so, I have faith that I didn't have before - basically my whole life has changed since I got this card. I feel more free than I ever have, more myself and like I can honor my own truth and be who I am. I feel like I am at the beginning of a new journey. Here's to my leave!

Crumbling all around me

It just occurred to me, just now, that I am starting to freak out about my mammogram next Tuesday, July 29th at 12:15 Central time. We moved this mammogram up from September on the theory that I would be able to get the most out of my time off if it wasn't in anticipation of my whole world crumbling all around me again. The anticipation of these appointments is horrible. I keep thinking it has gotten better, but it hasn't. I am freaking out an entire week in advance.

I just try not to think about it. I try. And I think about it anyway. And what I think about is not something I can describe. What I feel is not something I can describe either. I've tried before and it isn't possible.

And when I tried to describe it before, this is what I said: "It's like hanging out with someone, that really means a lot to you. And you know that it's the last time you will hang out with them for a really long time, maybe ever. This might be goodbye, in fact, it probably is. But you don't like the idea of it, or the word even - you find it impossible to say, so you try to ignore that fact while it crowds out everything else until it's the only thing you can think about. The harder you try to ignore it, the more aware of it you are.

This person means so much to you that you count down the time you have left. You count down the days, the hours, right down to the minutes, the whole time anticipating that moment when you have to let go of them. This person means so much to you that you just desperately want to enjoy every second, so you try to, you focus on it. You concentrate on it, the minutes, you hear the seconds ticking even. You are desperate to make it last. You try so hard to make those last days and hours so perfect that you fail to enjoy it at all. Before you know it, it's over.

You've wasted the entire time anticipating the inevitable end. And you've anticipated it so hard that you missed the very thing you most wanted to savor. You beg for just a little more time, just a few more minutes - as if a few more minutes before the end can really mean anything or make any difference. You just don't want it to be over. You want to stop time.

Every second of the days that lead up to one of these appointments is just like this - it's like the last moment you will have with someone, and you know that it's over and you just don't want it to be, but you don't have any control over it, and try as you might to enjoy it, you can't because all you can think about is the inevitable ending. Just try to imagine the very worst possible thing that could happen to you - and how your life will be ripped out from underneath you when it happens - and you know that when it happens nothing will ever be the same again. And imagine you know just exactly when it's going to happen and how much time you have until then. And imagine what living in those moments is like - the impossibility of it."

Living in the anticipation of it is almost unbearable. The feelings, intolerable. And I have nothing to numb them.

My doctor describes it like this - she says it's like walking around with a hatchet hanging right above your head, and you don't know whether or when it's going to drop.

I am trying to live in spite of this. I feel like I have progressed no where.

That my focus will be wrong

What worries me the most about my time off is that I will be so concerned with whether I am enjoying it enough, enjoying every single second, every moment, whether I am taking it all in, whether I am getting the most out of it, whether I am maximizing it, whether it is meaningful, whether it fulfills its purpose - that I will be so focused on this, that I will actually fail to enjoy it at all.

Not to mention the dread about going back....wait a second, I haven't even left yet and I'm already worried about having to go back? See what I mean?

Embarking

I am about to embark on my leave of absence from my job - in just a few more days. What does one do with a significant amount of time off? I was thinking about this and it occurred to me that I haven't had a significant amount of time off since I started working - so since I was 15. I have either always been a student and/or employed. And certainly I haven't had time off since graduating from law school. I mean, I had some time off, if you can call it that, but I was studying for a bar exam. And if you knew me in real life, you would know that I way over did it on the studying and passed by A LOT. But that's just like me. That doesn't count as time off, cause I studied like it was my job. So - a significant amount of time off - will I go crazy without my job to validate me and consume me? We'll see and I'll let you know how that goes. My big fear of course is getting bored and feeling useless. Too much of my identity is wrapped up in my job - but that's all about to change....

As far as the meds go that I am on -I waver on a daily basis as to whether I want to be on them, need to be on them. The days I feel really normal I think - this is great - I don't need to do this! Wait, what? On the days I feel really bad, I think, screw this - I don't want to do this. I haven't had very many days when I feel totally even and normal - but today was one of those days, so it is getting better, more level and less extreme. I'm still not up to the right dose - it just takes a long time, another week and a half and I will be.

I don't really know what other options I have than to stick this out and see if the meds work, because the thing is, my mood cycling is borderline dangerous - it wasn't always, but now it is. I sort of think I tried everything to fix it and well, I ran out of options. I don't have control over it, so what else can I do?

I will say this though, not only is it leveling my mood out, some anyway, it has gotten rid of my anxiety (on the days when I feel good) (well, except about money) and it also has had the nice side effect of turning down the crazy in my head. Meaning the ism - of alcoholism, the crazy making in your head, the insanity, the thinking, the way your mind works, the obsessive thinking, the worrying, the catastrophizing of everything, the worst case scenario thinking - all of it - the crazy - it has taken it all down a notch, or ten. Dare I say, I do feel "normal." (Or what I think normal is anyway)

I'll be posting more during my leave...