You won't want to miss this

Well folks, my spa extravaganza is coming to a close and here is what I would say - besides all the things that I listed in the last post. The challenges were the best part. Yes, climbing on top of that pole was better than an aloe wrap. Because what happened when I stepped on top of that pole or let go and walked across the log, or touched the top of the rock wall - that I will take with me, that will last a lifetime. The most challenging by far for me was the climbing wall because this was both mentally and physically difficult. The other challenges were more like mental games and to my advantage, I have no fear of heights at all so these challenges weren't about conquering that - in fact, the view of the mountains from up there was beautiful.

And the other thing I would say is that the life I thought I wanted before and the things I wanted in it, the things I thought I wanted my life to mean, the purpose I wanted to find in it, the person I thought I wanted to be, the things that I thought mattered, the person I thought I was and the things I thought I was capable of - if what I used to want - if these were the only things that I thought were possible in my life - I would have sold myself short in a very big way.

And if I had to sum it up in a couple of sentences, I would tell you to wake yourself up to this moment because these days - they are passing you by. Life can change in a heartbeat and trust me, you won't want to miss this.

My two favorite quotes for you:

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
- Rainer Maria Rilke

In six days I have

The full list:

• Invited and accepted encouragement and support.
• Followed directions.
• Trusted my life in the hands of a stranger, more than once.
• Climbed to the top of a rock wall (this I did not think I could do (actually, I did not think I could do any of the challenges)).
• Smelled bad and not cared.
• Decided it's okay if this is as good as it gets (meaning the circumstances of my life).
• Realized that not everyone is looking at me and making fun of me, and if they are, oh well, how sad for them that they have nothing better to do with their time.
• Reached out for help without feeling bad about it.
• Not been afraid of feeling stupid when I express what I am feeling or describing what something means to me.
• Not been afraid to eat dessert five times in one day (two days actually and I might just do it again today).
• Walked across a log the width of your shoe 35 feet in the air with nothing to hold on to, and made it to the other side.
• Realized that I am capable of a lot more than I think I am.
• Discovered confidence.
• Seen an energy healer who opened my top three chakras (supposedly).
• Had a facial for the first time (an anti- aging one, cause you know that one line appearing on my 31 year old face is freaking me out a little (okay, a lot)).
• Talked on the phone to almost no one (can't say the same about gmail chat - I need some connection folks).
• Realized who I miss the most.
• Confirmed that I can no longer work when I'm sick or on vacation.
• Committed to focusing less on my billable hours.
• Planned to work less in general.
• Decided to enjoy every second more.
• Gone without makeup.
• Gone without "doing" my hair.
• Climbed to the top of a 25 ft. pole on top of which is a disk 10 inches in diameter that you have to step on top of without anything to hold on to; and then jumped off.
• Been hoisted 40 ft. in the air by eight other women and then swung like a pendulum.
• Helped hoist the other 7 women into the air (I'm going to be sore tomorrow).
• Met some amazing people that I intend to keep in touch with.
• Heard some amazing things about letting go.
• Tried acupuncture for the first time.
• Had an aloe wrap for the first time.
• Felt comfortable in my own skin.
• Eaten dessert with abandon (three desserts with my lunch today actually).
• Cared less about what my body looks like.
• Spoken up when I had an idea.
• Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.
• Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.
• Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.
• Stepped outside of it.
• Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.
• Not been afraid of looking stupid when I try something new.
• Done something even if I thought I might fail.
• Not been afraid to be myself.
• Spoken up when I had a question.
• Felt better about myself than I ever have before.
• Taken better care of myself.
• Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.
• Experienced true presence in the moment.
  

In five days I have

Here is an update on my progress...

• Not been afraid of feeling stupid when I express what I am feeling or describing what something means to me.
• Not been afraid to eat dessert five times in one day (two days actually and I might just do it again today).
• Walked across a log the width of your shoe 35 feet in the air with nothing to hold on to, and made it to the other side.
• Realized that I am capable of a lot more than I think I am.
• Discovered confidence.
• Seen an energy healer who opened my top three chakras (supposedly).
• Had a facial for the first time (an anti- aging one, cause you know that one line appearing on my 31 year old face is freaking me out a little (okay, a lot)).
• Talked on the phone to almost no one (can't say the same about gmail chat - I need some connection folks).
• Realized who I miss the most.
• Confirmed that I can no longer work when I'm sick or on vacation.
• Committed to focusing less on my billable hours.
• Planned to work less in general.
• Decided to enjoy every second more.
• Gone without makeup.
• Gone without "doing" my hair.
• Climbed to the top of a 25 ft. pole on top of which is a disk 10 inches in diameter that you have to step on top of without anything to hold on to; and then jumped off.
• Been hoisted 40 ft. in the air by eight other women and then swung like a pendulum.
• Helped hoist the other 7 women into the air (I'm going to be sore tomorrow).
• Met some amazing people that I intend to keep in touch with.
• Heard some amazing things about letting go.
• Tried acupuncture for the first time.
• Had an aloe wrap for the first time.
• Felt comfortable in my own skin.
• Eaten dessert with abandon (three desserts with my lunch today actually).
• Cared less about what my body looks like.
• Spoken up when I had an idea.
• Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.
• Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.
• Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.
• Stepped outside of it.
• Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.
• Not been afraid of looking stupid when I try something new.
• Done something even if I thought I might fail.
• Not been afraid to be myself.
• Spoken up when I had a question.
• Felt better about myself than I ever have before.
• Taken better care of myself.
• Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.
• Experienced true presence in the moment.

On the same theory that

Sometimes I force myself to do things on the same theory that I force myself to go to an AA meeting. Any good AAer will tell you that if you don't feel like going, then it's precisely the thing you should do, and probably need to do. I apply this elsewhere in my life. Oh - you don't want to do that - well, good, now you are definitely going to. It's the only way sometimes to force myself outside of my comfort zone - which really only has everything to do with familiarity.

Yesterday I decided not to do the tightrope challenge because I am so sore from these other challenges. Then I said, wait a second, no, I am doing it - so I am signed up for tomorrow.

This morning, as I was laying there at 5:30 a.m. contemplating getting out of bed to go walk across a log, I thought, nah, this isn't what I want to do. I really don't want to do this. This doesn't sound like a good idea anymore. This sounds too hard. I don't think I can do it.

I mean, it's one thing to get up at 5:30 if you want to choose to exercise, or if you have to be in to work early or have a long commute. But it's something else to get up at the ass crack of dawn for the purpose of scaring the shit out of yourself entirely (granted there are other more important and more meaningful purposes).

I knew that I had to do it.

And so I did. And I did do it - I walked across the log 35 feet in the air, no hands (duh) and made it all the way to the other side. I even have pictures this time - someone was nice enough to take pictures for me on my camera. I also have pictures of the pendulum swing but not the pole - so I may try to run over and take a picture of the pole, just to show you.

So anyway, I did it - and I am so glad that I did.

Tomorrow - rock climbing and tightrope walking.

Oh - and a mani/pedi!

This blog needs a new

Name, description, feel, purpose, energy, layout, URL probably, everything.

This blog started when I was in early sobriety and had breast cancer so I could talk about those two things. Those two things are no longer true. I need a new blog.

It starts to look glamorous

After 4 days of not going to an AA meeting, it starts to look glamorous doesn't it? It does. You know, all the people in the bar/lounge sipping wine and eating appetizers. You might wonder why I went in the bar/lounge if I thought it was going to make me want to drink. Well, duh, I was hungry. And I also didn't know that it would trigger me like that. But just think about it, a glass of wine (ahem, a bottle or two) with dinner, pairing your wine with what you are eating, comparing it to other wines, thinking about wine tasting in Sonoma and your favorite winery there...it all leads to...well, disaster really. No, of course I didn't drink. But I did excuse myself and call my sponsor because I thought about it more seriously than I have in, oh, at least two years. It's been a really long time since I have excused myself from anything to make a phone call because of alcohol. And the reason I did is because the thought wasn't fleeting. It didn't pass through my mind like it usually does, almost unnoticed. I latched on to it. It almost sounded like a decent idea. Just one. Just one glass of wine because no one would know so I could get away with it. She didn't answer but it was enough to just tell on myself because I know that when I talk to her tomorrow she will ask me what happened.

This should not come as a surprise, that I had this thought - but for some reason it did. Never once in my sobriety have I left town and not had the thought, "but no one would know." I have thought it every time, no matter where I went or why I was there, with co-workers or alone. It surprised me because I'm at a spa - it's very peaceful here, very calm, very spiritual. But I should know better. I will probably always think about it when I travel.

I have to remember that when I drink, sometimes, anything is possible. I don't always know what we did, or how we got to where we went, or who drove, or how I got in the house, or in bed, and that I didn't care, about any of us, or what happened to us. I didn't care about anything. And yeah, it's true, I am in love with that feeling of not caring. I love it - the numb feeling. That numb feeling has recently gone from my favorite feeling in the world to my second favorite feeling (my favorite feeling these days is evenness, level - more on that soon). Sometimes, I wake up in my own vomit. That's how glamorous it is.

Okay, I have to try to go to bed really early cause I have to walk across a tightrope at 6:30 a.m. Have I lost my mind? Seems like it.

In three days (three and a half really) I have

I am adding to my list from yesterday. I know these lists probably seem silly, it's just that most things on these lists are things I have either never done, or don't do - like ask questions, yeah, I don't do that. I am doing a lot of things here and I don't want to forget them.

So, I have:

• Climbed to the top of a 25 ft. pole on top of which is a disk 10 inches in diameter that you have to step on top of without anything to hold on to; and then jumped off.
  
• Been hoisted 40 ft. in the air by eight other women and then swung like a pendulum.


• Helped hoist the other 7 women into the air (I'm going to be sore tomorrow).


• Met some amazing people that I intend to keep in touch with.


• Heard some amazing things about letting go.


• Tried acupuncture for the first time.


• Had an aloe wrap for the first time.


• Felt comfortable in my own skin.


• Eaten dessert with abandon (three desserts with my lunch today actually).


• Cared less about what my body looks like.


• Spoken up when I had an idea.


• Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.


• Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.


• Stepped outside of it.


• Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.


• Not been afraid of looking stupid.


• Done something even if I thought I might fail.


• Not been afraid to be myself.


• Spoken up when I had a question.


• Felt better about myself than I ever have before.


• Taken better care of myself.


• Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.


• Experienced true presence in the moment.

Tomorrow I will walk across a tightrope that is 35 feet above the ground. If I can get on top of that pole, I can cross a tightrope. I'll report back on how it goes. I also have a facial tomorrow and hopefully a sunset photography walk if the weather clears up. Yay!

One of the women at the pendulum was kind enough to take pictures of me and said she will email them to me - so I'll post those. I'll also try to run over to the pole tomorrow and take a picture of it so you know what I'm talking about! And the tightrope.

In two days I have

Pushed myself to try things that I did not think were possible.

Challenged myself, my thoughts, my feelings and beliefs.

Pushed the limits of my comfort zone.

Stepped outside of it.

Cared more about what I think of myself and less about what others think of me.

Not been afraid of looking stupid.

Done something even if I thought I might fail.

Not been afraid to be myself.

Spoken up when I had a question.

Felt better about myself than I ever have before.

Taken better care of myself.

Learned how I handle fear of the unknown.

Experienced true presence in the moment.


I still have 5 days left. This place will change you.

Because I can't go to bed at 10 to 8

What is one to do at a spa, after dark, when alone and not feeling like wandering the property in the dark, and when not signed up for any activity? Blog I guess. I know, I should be disconnected - but I am, my cell phone and blackberry don't work here - except in one area. Which is fine cause the property is cell phone free except in the designated cell phone area and your room. Well, mine doesn't work in my room. My phone sucks.

Anyway, so here we are, feeling sort of cut off from the world (ahem, but aren't you blogging? Yes, and talking to myself in my head apparently.). Why is it that a lack of phone service makes me feel so cut off when I have, hello, access to everything and everyone I could want to talk to through my computer? Who knows.


So day one was really half of a day. I got here, had lunch, went through orientation, unpacked, walked around the property 3 times to get oriented, got lost once or twice, reviewed the program schedule, got signed up for my Monday and Tuesday activities, had dinner, some excellent tea, chatted with a friend, made a few phone calls in the designated area, bought a hat cause I forgot mine, and showered. Now I am relaxing.

Tomorrow I am going to get up early (probably super early cause my body is on Central time, go for the 2 mile fitness walk at 7, I am all signed up to jump off the pole at 12:30 (in the boiling hot desert sun), and then I am going to do reflexology in the evening. Somewhere I have to squeeze dinner in around my spa appointment. Oh, the problems I have!

This bed, is like laying on a cloud. I mean, if I imagine what laying on a cloud would be like. I actually like my bed to be more firm, but I'll give it a whirl, maybe I'll like the could like, floaty, sinky, cushiony, fluffy feeling.

I think I can hang like this. This right here folks, is what I have been waiting for.

Good night. I'll report back on what sleeping on a could is like.

Oh, and you know what else I love about this place? They tell you what is in everything you eat. Calories, fat, protein and carbs. Everything - they tell you. It's like a dream come true for my almost eating disorder having self. Now, I am not making light of this - it's a serious problem, and it borders on serious for me from time to time. I'm just saying - it sure beats having to figure it out yourself.

Okay, good night. Really you know I am not going to bed. Really I am going to email people and read blogs. But good night to you in case you are going to bed.

I bet you can guess that the chocolate mousse was only so so - I suspect that it was not made with butter, heavy whipping cream and eggs. I bet not.

And I am in a goofy mood. Can you tell? See ya.

First class

Well, I am on my way to the spa, just waiting in the airport for my flight. I decided to treat myself to flying first class cause why not right? It was only an extra 135. I'll report later once I check it out. Unfortunately I won't be able to load photos until I gat back. More later...

I'll take it

I feel better today than I did yesterday. Not perfectly even but so much better that I would almost call it even. In fact, let's just call it even. I'll take what I can get - even if it is just for a day. I'll take it. I'm learning to appreciate it when I get it, instead of worrying about what's going to happen when I lose it again.

Later I will go to the car dealership to scope out a new car. Yay!

Feeling alone again

Well, I am frustrated. I am frustrated, sad, upset, and I feel alone. I just feel really alone. How is it possible that I feel this alone? I am having a bad day, a hard time sitting here, a hard time doing anything. I can't motivate myself but I am restless at the same time. Which is just making me feel awful. This whole process of trying to get my meds right is frustrating. I once again had 8 really good even days and then dropped down again. Now granted, not as low as before, but low enough and it's been since Tuesday. I need this to be better than this. 4 plus days of depression after 8 days of even is not good enough. I need this to be better. But what do I do? Just wait I guess. I am frustrated because we up the dose of Lamictal and then after a few days I go the other way - too hyper, too happy, so we up the dose of Abilify, then I even out for 4, 9, 8 days, then I go down again, then we up the dose of Lamictal and then I go the other way...and so on. Instead of going up on Lamictal this time, I am going down on Abilify. 9 days of even is the record. Only 9 days. What am I going to do if this doesn't work? I am so exhausted by the whole thing.

Did I mention how alone I feel? Oh right, I did.

The few things I figured out while on leave

I have figured a few important things out: a) I like my job, a lot; b) I don't miss it, at all; c) I could care less if I go back there, ever really; d) I would like to quit and walk dogs all day.

Some flowers for you

A spa extravaganza

I know, I haven't posted about my leave really - but I leave for the spa this Sunday! Everything is all set.

Of course there will be lots of eating and a spa service every day. Here is the loose agenda:

Day One: Arrive and meet the spa rep at the baggage claim - rep will have a sign with my name on it. Oooohhhhh, how weird. Check out the property. Relax. Check out the food (I have heard the food is amazing at this place). Do the 45 min Stretch and Relax program before dinner. Do the Evening Meditation after dinner. Relax some more and check out the property some more.

Day Two: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do Quantum Leap where I will jump off the 25 foot pole (and remember this is where, on day two, I will leave "it" all behind. It would be everything). Do the Evening Meditation. Have reflexology. Relax. Eat.

Day Three: Do the Morning Meditation. Have accupuncture. Do the Sunset Photography Walk. This is the thing I am most excited about because I have a new, really nice camera. Relax. Eat.

Day Four: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do the Morning Meditation. Do Swing and a Prayer. Have an aloe wrap. Attend Photo in Focus, a three hour photography class. Relax. Eat.

Day Five: Do the Morning Meditation. Attend the Mindful Eating program. Have a facial with vitamin C infusion. Attend the Mindful Stress Mastery program. God knows I need to figure this out. Do the Evening Meditation. Relax. Eat.

Day Six: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do the Morning Meditation. Attend the Grief, Loss and Letting Go" program. Have a pedicure. Attend the Healing Power of Deep Listening"program. Relax. Eat.

Day Seven: Do the Morning Meditation. Have a mud wrap. Do the Evening Meditation. Relax. Eat.

Day Eight: Do the morning Fitness Walk. Do the Morning Meditation. Head to the airport.

There are some other programs that sound interesting, but I don't want to try to squeeze too much in. I want to be able to sit by the pool and drink raw juices from the 24 hour a day juice bar.

You have no idea how excited I am. No idea.

I'll report from the spa if I can - I know there is Internet in each room and I am taking my computer. I know, you would think I would want to disconnect, but not completely - I can't disconnect from the blog world!

Unaccepting myself

Yesterday was supposed to be the day of accepting myself. I failed. I suppose you can't undo 31 years of negative self-talk and low self-esteem in a day by simply deciding to. Though I do think there are some things that you can change by simply deciding to change them. I think it is possible to wake up one day and say I am going to behave differently and then do so. I have seen people do this over and over again in AA. The other day I read something on a blog about someone learning to accept herself just the way she is (I won't link to it though cause I don't know if she would mind), and it really helped me. It made me realize how little I have changed in regards to accepting myself. There I go, beating myself up again.

I frequently think in my head things like - I am too tall, my feet are too big, my hair is too thin, my body is proportioned funny, I wish I weighed less, I wish clothes fit me differently, I wish my legs weren't so long. Why is everything I think about myself spun in a negative way? I worked through this book on self-esteem quite some time ago and one of the exercises was to describe yourself (mine was predominately negative) and then you had to re-write everything you wrote in a positive or neutral way, i.e., I am X feet/inches tall, my feet are X size, I wear size X. It was eye opening. Did anything change when I did that? Yes and no. It is really hard to re-train your brain when those thoughts have become automatic. I am aware that I do, but I still do it.

I haven't been able to change it on self-knowledge alone. I guess I have to try harder. Self-knowledge is never enough. I guess I knew that. Every time you catch yourself thinking something in the negative, you are supposed to change the phrasing around in your head so that you have new automatic thoughts. Right now I am trying to change my automatic thoughts about breast cancer. Is this working? Well, I have an awareness of it, but it's easier said than done, like all things related to changing yourself. I think that is the hardest thing a person ever has to do, change him or herself.

Wandering aimlessly

I am wandering aimlessly around my brother's house trying to figure out what to do with myself because they are at the farm until tomorrow.

Here is what's on the agenda for tomorrow:

1. Breakfast with dad around 8:30; stop at grandparent's house.

2. 11 am AA meeting.

3. Remove all-weather floor mats from car and hose them off in preparation for turning my car in (yay!!).

4. Vacuum car out.

5. Car wash.

6. Drive by dealership to scope out new vehicle.

7. Dinner with my cousin Jodie.

8. Concert.

That's it.

Equalibrium

Finally. I feel even again. As of yesterday. It's been oh, coming up on 3 weeks or so since I felt level. Finally yesterday/today I feel level. My doctor uppped my Lamictal last Tuesday to 200 mg. It's taken since last Tuesday for it to kick in. The unfortunate side effect of upping the Lamictal appears to be that I once again can't sleep. I can fall asleep. But I can't stay asleep. I wake up in the middle of the night, around 3 a.m. and am up for 2 plus hours. The thing is - I don't feel hyper or manic during those two hours, I feel calm and fine, I'm just awake. It used to be that I woke up and felt all out of whack - like I wanted to get up and clean and exercise and tear the house apart and reorganize the closet. I don't feel that way.

I've taken sleeping medication on and off for a while to deal with this. But I don't want to have to do that. I don't want to take Lunesta every night - though it works very well, most nights. I am worried about getting hooked on it in my head. It's not addictive (cause you know I worry about anything that is - though I never did drugs, I did take over the counter things in a recreational manner (Benedryl and other assorted things (did you know that those sometimes kill your appetite - my mother told me that back in the day, people used to take antihistamines as diet pills - that is not a good thing to tell someone who feels they need to lose weight - I am digressing))). Even when something isn't addictive, I get worried about becoming psychologically addicted to it. Especially when it has to do with sleeping, or making me feel out of it.

It seems to me that I slept better before I went on bipolar medication. Hmm. Makes it awfully tempting to go back off. Just to sleep normally. This is like drinking - you stop and then you go - well gosh, it wasn't that bad. I mean, I didn't drink that much - I didn't wake up in my own vomit that many times. I didn't "forget" what happened on a given night that many times. You just start to forget.

I am afraid I may be forgetting how bad my mood swingyness was there at the end. I need to remember that, otherwise, one day, I'll just unilaterally decide to go off. I wonder if this is like drinking in another way. When it comes to drinking - if you go back out, as we say - you don't go back to the beginning, you don't even necessarily pick up where you left off - you are usually much worse because alcoholism progresses whether you drink or not. That's why so many people, when they go back out, find that they destroy their lives in a very short time - much quicker than the time before. Or they end up dead. I know a lot of people who died when they went back out.

I wonder if this is like that - where you stop taking meds and find yourself much worse off than before. With drinking, it isn't worth finding out.

Every which way but one

In the past two months I have been checked out by my oncologist, her PA, my surgeon - twice, by way of mammogram and ultrasound. I am in the clear until February 3rd 2009. The only thing I haven't done is the MRI. My surgeon told me today that she does not believe that it is necessary at this time (radiology told me to do it in September). And we can revisit the issue in February when I have my mammogram. We had previously decided not to do them at all and she doesn't think it is necessary, but radiology keeps telling me to do it. She says - of course they do - they are radiologists.

I don't know if I feel a lot of comfort by what she said - that it isn't necessary. I mean, am I taking a chance with my life? Probably not but can you ever know for sure? Can I know that the spot that they saw on the mammogram I had two and a half weeks ago was nothing because it did not show up on the ultrasound? Can I have 100% comfort or do I have to live under this cloud of uncertainty? Hanging over me the MRI, the last mammogram. Am I going to let my leave be ruined by this fear? Am I never going to get involved with any man again because of it? Or am going to live the next six months as if I am going to live?

It's been hard to relax during this leave of absence. I keep telling myself that I should be more relaxed, less stressed. It's not work stressing me out. I frankly could care less about that, much to my surprise. But it is what it is. I am the way I am. I feel how I feel. And it's okay.

From an old journal

Having nothing to post about (except my leave of absence - and I guess I'll get to that later), I was digging around in the closet. I used to write, a lot, journals - pages, notebooks full that now sit in a box in the extra bedroom closet. This was years and years ago. My journals though were more like stories, at least a lot of them. Every once in a while I pull them out. It is funny to read some of them, sometimes sad. It is very telling. Here are some paragraphs from different parts of a story that I wrote a long time ago in a journal. I can't put the whole thing here, that would be embarrassing. I never said I was good at writing, I just said I used to write journals.

Counting down the days, like every time before. Until she is left with nothing but the hours. In a moment that she has been in so many times. Wondering about how she got here. Marveling at the arbitrariness of it all. They both know that she is lying but in his world you simply take what someone tells you at face value, and you act as if you believe it. And so he does the only thing he knows how to do. He trusts her, walking out the door without giving it a second thought.

The truth is in the subtlety of our behavior though. It is those passing moments that he talks about that hold the most significance. It is what you think in a passing moment, what you say in that unguarded split second when you tell the truth. There are words with only one meaning, only one interpretation. One word changes everything. They share a bed, his hand on her thigh, and he is unaware of the distance between them that exists in her mind. A distance that she blames him for because of his words, but it is also her lies that have created it and she can't get over what he said to her.

The pause before hanging up the telephone was because she knew. It was all that she needed in the way of confirmation, to know that the beginning of the end was upon her. Not knowing how long it would take to untangle, to unravel, to untwist what had become comfortable and pleasant and predictable. She never was one for attachment or for endings for that matter. She knew that the process had already started unconsciously. The undoing would be her own. She would detach herself from him in much the same way as before, while sitting across from him, sharing a bottle of wine over conversation. So that the final severing of their world into two would be simply like him slipping from her existence. Almost as if he weren't real at all, except for the photographs in the box.

She feels invisible around them. Those in the other room whose lives make hers seem small and insignificant. The truth is that she wishes she felt otherwise because everything meaningful about the moment is lessened by the observation that it is temporary. Like all things. Reminding her that she is indeed among them, the replaceable.

Asking for help for a friend

Hi folks. My good friend Nina has been through a lot and could really use a little help right now.

Please go read this post and help her if you can! Thanks to all of you reading, whoever you are, and thanks for helping out a friend!

My and my dad's shadow

The 10 (or is it 12?) days of blah

I have been feeling blah for 10 or 12 days now. Now that I figured out what it feels like to feel even and in the middle, I can tell when I'm off pretty easily. And I've been off. It sucks because I was feeling leveled out for like 9 days and then I went down. It's frustrating. I've also been having bad anxiety for over a week - though that seems to have dissipated some today. Probably due to my follow-up mammogram, which although everything was okay - at first they thought they found a lump in each breast. Are those appointments ever going to get easier or go well? Sheesh.

Anyway, I saw my psychiatrist yesterday and we upped the dose on one of the meds I am on (I'm on two). That should fix it/help, but every time we up the dose I swing the opposite direction. So we'll see what happens this time - it's only been a day. I do feel a bit better today, but probably not due to the medication. It takes about 3 days and then I go way the other way, hyper, excited, overly happy, super optimistic. And two days later I level out. This is annoying. I just want it to be right so that I can feel like the normal people feel every day. Ugh.

Isn't he adorable?

Digestion, by a two year old

This is what my nephew told me today as we ate or morning snack of bananas (in 2 year old speak, so you have to know him to pick out all the words) - first anana go in a mouth, den it go in da belly, den in da poop, den push it out in da hole.

He is so cute!

We believe that everyone should believe in something

So my cousin found this little thing that we wrote when we were 14 called "We Believe." We attempted to write down the things that we believed in at that age - some of these are from advertisements that we had hanging on our walls - others of them, I am honestly not sure where they came from. We made them up I guess. I remember when we wrote this. It won't be as funny to all of you, but when my cousin and I read it now, 17 years later, we were pretty much rolling on the floor laughing. So have a laugh if you want to - these are the things we believed in at 14. This was just one of the many silly things we did.

We Believe

We believe in truth.

We believe we can sometimes lie.

We believe it should just go.

We believe there is a man in the moon.

We believe that peace is possible, maybe.

We believe that imagination is a doorway to understanding.

We believe that this commercial is good.

We believe that music is a bridge of expression.

We believe that poetry doesn't have to be written.

We believe that lust is necessary.

We believe that we are all alone out here.

We believe that we are candles.

We believe that people make their own heaven or hell.

We believe little kids know more than adults.

We believe you should feel not think.

We believe that things should be visually appealing.

We believe that Fig Newton's aren't just a cookie.

We believe that people shouldn't ask so many questions.

We believe that everyone should believe in something.

We believe that God is not judgmental.

We believe in the right to choose.

We believe that the news is breakfast for your head.

We believe if you have to be lost, you should make the most of it.

We believe that you have to have the ball to play the game.

We think we believe that black is not the absence of color, but we are not sure.

We believe that there is emotion after all.

We believe that pain is real.

We believe that rage is productive.

We believe that men should feel like shit.

We believe that anger should not be controlled.

We believe that silence is gray.

We believe that panic is art.

We believe that apathy is everything instead of nothing.

We believe that tomorrow may never come.

We believe that coldness is an emotional state.

We believe that sexy is a state of mind.

We believe we are victims.

We believe you should say you are sorry.

We believe that people can be on different ends of the same wavelength.

We believe there is something west of imagination.

We believe you don't have to get it.

We believe in the power of touch.

We believe that they want to steal our thoughts.

We believe we may die tonight.

We believe in the child inside.

We believe that what used to look wrong, now looks right.

We believe you are soaking in it.

We believe in songs about a boy.

We believe you should stand out in a dark crowded room.

We believe size isn't everything.

We believe temptations are to be yielded to.

We believe you should try them on first.

We believe in the rain.

We believe you are never to young to start.

We believe you should use your noodle.

We believe you can't find yourself until you lose yourself.

We believe we are lost.

We believe no one can be completely satisfied.

We believe we are collecting dust.

We believe there is a picture in every cloud.

We believe forgiveness comes with time.

We don't believe in time.

We believe in other peoples dreams.

We believe that wisdom comes with experience, not with age.

We believe real men should cry, often.

We believe that everyone is Venus in the dark.

We believe you should look to the cookie.

We believe that beauty can't be defined.

We believe in kindling our spirits.

We believe that love is a game.

We believe that if something looks too good to be true, it is.

We believe that it is fun being us.

We believe that 1,200 bodies can be buried in 1 acre of land.

We believe in purity.

We believe we are all invisible.

We believe in spontaneous combustion.

We believe you should always show your true self.

We believe we might be.

We believe there is sex in cyberspace.

We believe there are things we see for the first time again and again.

We believe the walls tell the story.

We believe that green is the color of war.

We believe in existentialism.

We believe we have run dry.

We believe you can defy reality.

We believe you are never really free from yourself.

We believe you should hang on to your horizontal.

We believe in shared ecstasy.

We believe it is a hell of a long way home.

We believe there is intelligent life out there.

We believe that every song is a prayer.

We believe that the sky tonight is the color of tears.

We believe we should sleep forever.

We believe that love is a nightmare created by someone else in a parallel universe.

We believe we die little deaths every day.

We believe we should all dissolve and simplify.

We believe there is no such thing as making love, it should be there already.

We believe everything is the way it is because it is.

We believe everyone should have at least one.

We believe that if you don't feel pain, you can't feel pleasure.

We believe that insanity is the key to survival.

We believe that other people are the icing on the cake, but the cake should be you.

We believe everyone is an island.

We believe that no one can do everyone, but everyone can do someone.

We believe it doesn't sound how it feels.

We believe it tastes green.