oooooo fun and other updates

I found out that the spa is rolling out new services May 1st.  You know what this means right?  I have to re-plan the pre-plan.  That's ok though.  It shouldn't take long to figure out if there are new services we would want to try.  The soonest I can book things for May is April 1st so I guess I will be calling on April 2nd when I get back from Florida to book everything.  So exciting.

I think Paul and I now have a plan - with the help of some advice from an immigration attorney etc.  It's not ideal in every way but we think it makes the most sense and it will work and that's important.  He will be here in May and June and beyond that well, I am not thinking much beyond that.  Right now my focus really needs to shift to getting a job.

I am going to Vermont soon.  I can't wait!  I am working on getting an outdoor climbing trip planned and we are hopefully going to take my older nephew to the rock climbing gym to give it a whirl.  I hope he will enjoy it!  I wasn't really thinking when I planned the trip - I should have planned to go for longer since now is my chance to spend time with them.  So I might go twice - pop up there from the 4th to the 9th and go back the 12th.  I have concert tickets on the 10th.  Am I really going to come back for a concert?  It all seems kind of silly, but then again, it might be just as expensive to change my original ticket than to simply buy a second one and go twice.  The flight is just barely over an hour so it's really easy and convenient.

Anyway, I guess I am feeling more upbeat today than I have the past few.  Nothing alarming or anything.  I am not on top of the world, quite the opposite, I just feel less down.  I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow with my doctor that prescribes medication.  I am going to see if I can cut the dose down a little faster.  I think waiting two weeks at a time isn't so much the seizure risk as it is trying to prevent a sudden and drastic shift in my mood.  It's been 8 days since I last cut it.  I'd like to cut it tomorrow instead of waiting until Tuesday.

Enough for now...

Always something

Well, we can't go the work visa route.  So we have two options.  Fiance visa and he is advised to not try to enter the country while it is pending - lots of reasons why that is risky.  Or, we get married, apply for the green card and wait.  Did clarify with the immigration lawyer today that he can stay in the country if/when we get married, but he can't work until the work authorization comes through (takes about 3 months) and then of course there is the immigration interview.  We basically have two options to pick between.  Well variations of two options really.  It might just make sense to have him go back to Canada to work for a while.  Anyway, whatever.  Everything is just whatever.  I am trying to plan an outdoor climb for when I go to Vermont in April.  Yay for that.  Maybe I'll fall off the mountain.  Just kidding.  Promise.

The great motivator

I am having a really hard time getting motivated because I am so angry.  I would have expected the opposite.  Anger is a great motivator for some people.  I simply can't get over being angry about what the so called nice people I worked with did to me.  I don't think I will ever get over it.  The weird thing is, I am exactly the type of person to be motivated by anger.  Piss me off, watch out.  Tell me I can't have something - fuck you I'll go get it.  But this - I just can't get myself to care.  And this is a big deal.  I NEED TO CARE.  All I can think about is the spa.  It's like life doesn't exist after the spa, after May 29th - our last day there.  I have got to get my butt in gear.  I should be networking (or according to this recruiter woman who is supposed to be helping me) instead of pouring over spa services, and personal challenges and planning this trip.  I mean yeah I want the trip to be great.  But I sure would like a job to return to.  Again, all I can think about is the awesomeness of this trip.  What am I going to do.

Destination spa

I admit that I am a little obsessive when it comes to planning the spa trip.  I mean, I want it to be as perfect as possible.  Once I suck it up and decide to spend the money, put the deposit on my credit card and pay for the plane tickets - let the planning begin!  I start by scouring the current monthly program guide to see what is new and when things are generally offered.  Then I go through the spa services to again see what is new, pick my services, total everything up, decide whether to go over, pick indoor or outdoor treatment rooms etc.  You have to book your spa services about 6 weeks in advance to get the ideal time slots (between dinner and bed time).  Plus, we are both going to do this weird and expensive, but very famous spa service which is hard to get booked, so I might call for that one later today.  This service has been described to me as something like an exorcism.  My roommate did it last year.  The guy told her he was going to hard boot her nervous system, and I have to say, when she showed up to dinner, she was someone else.  I only know that it involves chanting in multiple languages, acupuncture, burning things, feathers, drumming and a whole lot of weirdness.  And this is a world famous "experience."  Hmm.  I kind of don't want to sign Paul up for it.  I kind of want to keep it for myself.  I want the trip to be fun and relaxing for him and this is over the top weird.  Anyway, he wants to do it so I guess we are both going to do it.  Anyway, I can't wait!

It didn't happen that way

I was slightly worried when I went to bed last night that I would wake up over the moon.  So I thought fuck it.  If it happens, I will ride the wave of happiness and motivation for a day and hope for the best on the other end.  It didn't happen.  I woke up the same as always.  Or, well, the same as always lately.  Worried about finding a job, semi-hopeless, stressed about money and with the same degree of motivation (which would be a lack of).  I am in a bit of a funk motivation wise, but that I am nearly certain is circumstantial not chemical.  So all is good here I guess.  I mean I can't pretend nothing is going to happen because obviously there are major chemical changes going on in my system.  But, so far so good I think.

Chalk it up to something

I don't feel good today.  I feel down.  Not depressed, but down.  There is up and there is down - both to varying degrees, but depressed is something different.  I could articulate all of the things that I feel down about today, but that doesn't really matter anyway.  I don't really think this is cause for concern, but this is the first hint of a mood change that I have really felt since going off of/ decreasing medication.  I went down last night another 50 mg so I am off of everything but two drugs - a mood stabilizer and something to sleep.  I'm on half of both.  Four more weeks and I will be on nothing.  Hmm.  Like I said, not too worried at this point, I mean, everyone has an off day sometimes.  A day where things don't go right or where you don't feel good about yourself or anything really etc.  I mean even on all kinds of crap I had days like this.  It's bugging me just a little though.  No part of me thought that stopping taking medication was going to result in no changes in my mood.  I just wonder if I am fully prepared for what might come.  It's not like I have forgotten what it's like to have my mood cycle from up to down every 24 hours.  I can remember what that feels like.  A small part of me is hoping like hell that it won't happen.  It's just what the fuck am I going to do if it does.  I want to be off of and stay off of medication.  But I have to be honest, coping with your mood cycling so severely every 24 hours is not easy.  I have to be able to get outside of myself or something, if that makes sense, to be able to tell myself that the way that I am feeling isn't real.  It isn't real.  It isn't permanent.  At least to get through the down part.  The up swing though, I mean you can't beat it really.  You pretty much feel on top of the world.  The thing is, there is no middle ground for me.  Well, ok, on meds I am pretty much always in the middle with a few blips on the radar.  It's really hard for me to be in the middle on nothing.  At least it used to be.  You are always riding an up swing or dangerously on a down swing.  And regardless of which one you are on, everything is drastically out of proportion to reality.  There is a certain degree of irrationality to it.  And it's really hard in the midst of it to be objective.  I have found that the higher the high is, the lower the low.  I am not trying to freak anyone out - it's just I've never tried to describe what it feels like before or what it is like to live it.  I would like to think that my coping skills are better than they were almost four years ago now when I started taking medication.  It's just when you are in it you are in it.  I have such fine tuned awareness of what my mood is and what is happening with it that you would think I might be able to control it some how.  But then again, maybe not.  I don't know.  Before I was not nearly as aware or tuned in as I am now.  Like I will recognize a problem immediately.  I will know where I am at and what to expect and when, but finding a way to live with it, that's difficult.  Even I don't know for sure if I can accomplish that.  Though obviously that is what I am going to try to do if it happens.  Well, I guess we will see.  Only more days will tell I guess if I am running into trouble.  It's not that you can't live through it, you can.  Clearly.  I mean I did for like 15 years before I ever took anything.  It's hard to describe what it's like really.  Just imagine that you wake up in the morning and everything is wonderful and perfect and happy and amazing, the possibilities are limitless, and then by the end of the day, you go to bed utterly devastated.  That's the best way I can describe it.  Anyway, now I've got myself all worked up over feeling funky for one day.  Fuck.  Now if I rebound tomorrow is that cause for concern?  Is that an up?  Or will I just feel "normal?"  Whatever the hell that is.

Frustration

These immigration issues are frustrating.  It seems our course of action probably needs to be revised.  I met with an immigration attorney today because we really want to do this correctly and in such a way that we don't run into trouble down the road.  It seems that the best way to do this is to first get him a work visa and then get married while he is in the country on the work visa.  If I understand what the lawyer told me correctly, this is the only way he can remain in the country and we can be together pending approval of paperwork.  Otherwise, if you pursue a fiance visa or a green card via marriage, he has to remain outside of the country until either is approved (which is like a nine month process).  What the fuck?  We get married and he has to go wait in Canada and can't come visit me pending approval of the green card.  Doesn't make much sense but I believe that is what she said.  I sent her a clarifying email.  I wonder how much responding to that is going to cost.  Ugh.

So the current plan, pending additional information, is for him to enter the country as a tourist in May, which he can do for up to six months, get a job, get the visa then get married.  But there is a snag - the next date you can file for a work visa is October 1st.  So what are we going to do - have two of us living in the most expensive city possible without jobs?  Lovely.

Fingers crossed I find one, cause I pretty much feel fucked.

Home sweet home - no the other home

I am finally on my way back to NY. I can't wait to get home. It has been a long and weird 10 days. Good in some ways bad in others. Mostly a disappointment.

Although I was physically in Michigan I don't feel like I was emotionally there at all. I'm feeling numbed out, disconnected, not in tune with myself at all. Perhaps it is because my attention was so completely outwardly focused this trip. I didn't even get to many meetings like I normally do.

I'm also having a bit of a crisis with my AA program it feels like. I think I mentioned the other day that my faith seems to be lacking. I think I have lost it entirely.

Well it's settled

We are taking a pre-honeymoon to the spa at the end of May.  I say pre-honeymoon because there will be another one next year when we have a wedding with family and friends in my home town.  I think it's important that we go somewhere this year though.  I've already started thinking about what goes into planning something like the wedding next year and I feel stressed out.  Yikes.

Now I am trying to decide whether I need to make this ceremony in NY on the 17th of May more special some how, like rewrite the wedding vows, have someone from my family come, get married in the park instead of the city clerks office.  I never thought I would be one to hate planning a wedding, but I can tell already that it's not my cup of tea.  I know there are people who get a kick out of planning things like this, and honestly, I can't really afford to pay someone to plan it for me since we will be paying for a good chunk of it ourselves.  That stresses me out also.  I want the perfect day and all of that, I just don't want to plan it.  Who would have guessed.  I started looking for places in Ann Arbor to have the wedding and I started putting together a list of who I would invite because the venue I am interested in would like a head count to give me a cost estimate.  There really isn't a great hotel in Ann Arbor so I am thinking of going slightly outside of Ann Arbor about 20 minutes.  This place is in the running: http://www.stjohnsgolfconference.com/weddings/index.cfm.

I did find a dress to wear though which I think is appropriate for the day.  Not too wedding like but in ivory and pretty.  It is knee length and sleeveless with some beading on it.  More than I wanted to spend but that seems to be the theme of everything lately.  That and stress.  Ugh.

Killing time

I am pretty much dying at this point to go home to NY. My mission here is semi to mostly accomplished, though I consider it to be a near failure. Perhaps there is a little bit more I can do, we'll see. Depends how pushy I want to be and right now I am exhausted.

Now I am sitting in the parking lot killing time until my hair appointment, trying to decide what to do to my hair.

Muddling through

This trip home has been really disappointing in a lot of ways. There are things I can't really post about that are on my mind. Bothering me quit a bit actually. I must have come here with some expectations, whatever they are. And because they are not being met I am left with disappointment. The thing is, I don't really know what I was expecting. It's hard to be here and not be working, to be job searching. It is hard to be here and be happy going forward with my plans when I am surrounded by so much negativity. It is especially hard to be in the midst of so much uncertainty. I really just want to go home. To NY. But I still have things here that need to be done on this trip. Difficult stuff that needs to be handled so I can't head back early. Otherwise I probably would. I guess I just feel like I am barely getting through this trip and although I am physically here I, I don't feel emotionally here at all. I feel absent in a lot of ways and I am definitely going through the motions. I'm really stressed and really worried. The faith that I usually feel is lacking a bit. Maybe a lot.

Internet withdrawal

I think I am suffering from Internet withdrawal.  My dad doesn't have Internet at home.  Yeah my phone is saving me but it isn't quite the same.  I came to a coffee shop this morning to kill time while I wait to go to lunch with my mother because I just couldn't bear to sit there for another hour and fifteen minutes watching the Fox news network.  That is like my least favorite news channel.  Yeah I have a tv in the bedroom I am staying in, but frankly I am bored of tv.  That's all I have to do every night is watch tv.  I am not sure how this trip ended up so different than all the other ones.  Usually I have so much to do that I am running around like a crazy person trying to cram it all in.  I suspect it is because I am not working and therefore have extra time on my hands whereas before I was always in a panic when in town.  Now I just have time to kill and not enough to fill it with.  Sure I am job searching while I am here and but that has me more concerned than anything.  I am not finding anything and you can only job search and find nothing for so many hours of the day.  There is a possible job through HBO that I am praying turns into something.  I'm waiting to hear back from a headhunter about that.  Right now I basically just feel screwed in the job department and extremely angry that the asshole I worked for lied to me and stabbed me in the back.  I am really fucking angry still.

I am working with another recruiter who is helping me tweak my resume and figure out how to job search and target certain companies that may not have postings.  Unfortunately for me my area of law is highly specialized, and her process of job searching takes considerable time.  If I think about it too much I just get upset.  There is so much going on for me to be stressed about.  Job searching, needing a job in order to move in July, getting married, figuring out immigration issues, planning a real wedding for next year.   I'm a bit overwhelmed really.  And it all feels a bit surreal.  It was like I left for London and life was one way and I came back and it was totally upended.  In a good way, but still, upended.

Anyway, I am just rambling at this point.  Off to see my mother and tell her the happy news that I am getting married!  I will report back on what inappropriate thing she says.  More later....

Updates

His team has successfully executed on Project Ring apparently and the ring is being made. Yay! I can't wait to see what he picked. I like vintage looking rings and I sent him some examples but the examples were all very different. I probably confused him. I am super excited though. I am sure whatever he picked I will love. I can't wait for May to get here. Our plans are all coming together and I am just really really excited. We are making our plans to get married on my birthday in May.

I told my dad three quarters of what I am doing and he shockingly reacted fine. Why I didn't tell him everything is beyond me especially when I figured out he wasn't going to freak out. I get to tell my mom tomorrow. That's going to be especially fun.

As for other friends I have told while home, everyone says they are happy for me and then they turn around and start talking negatively. I'm over it. It sucks but if people can't be genuinely supportive then there is nothing I can do.

The visit home is otherwise going fine. My dad is bored. I'm bored. We are just bored. I am trying to see my friends here, you know, all those unsupportive ones. Yeah, those. Mostly I am just glad I can go to a bunch of meetings and stay sane.

Otherwise there is nothing to report really.

I draw the line

My dad watches three things on tv. Financial news, political news and hunting and fishing. All of which I find intolerable. But I draw the line at hunting and fishing. I simply can't watch it.

I am pretending I am at a hotel

It isn't working. Ah well. Note to self - never come home for this long ever again.

I feel bad because my dad really has tried hard to make this a comfortable place to stay. So I shouldn't be poking fun about this trip. I am here on serious business. Nevertheless, I have to laugh because otherwise I am really going to lose my mind!

On another note, I am going to urgent care tomorrow because I can't shake this sore throat. My dad is trying to get me to gargle with hydrogen peroxide. No thanks. I'd rather go beg some doctor at urgent care to give me an antibiotic to try without strep testing me because I gag when they do that.

This blog might save me this week. Maybe.

Grocery shopping with my father

Uh, a nightmare. Normally I come home to visit and I spend about two lunches worth of time with my father. That's about four hours max. I've been here for about that long and all I can think of is the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard. I'm here to help my dad who is dealing with some medical issues. To be fair he is trying really hard. This is going to test my patience. Also to be fair, this is the most time he has spent with me in 15 years as well so he probably doesn't quite know what to do. We usually talk about the weather. We have 10 days. We are going to run out of things to talk about. Sometimes I think he has forgotten how old I am.

And no we haven't had the talk yet about how I am marrying my high school boyfriend. Eek.

Home sweet home

Today I am headed "home" to Michigan. I am going partially for fun and because I can since I am off, and partly for other reasons unrelated to having fun and seeing people. It sounded like a good idea at the time I decided to book the trip for 10 days. Now to say I am dreading it might be some what of an understatement. What the hell am I going to do for 10 days?

I am saving money by not staying in a hotel and not renting a car like I usually do. That means I am staying at least part of the time with my dad and borrowing his car. I probably wouldn't stay with him at all except I can't really disappear with his car for 10 days. My dad's sister told my cousin that my dad seems really excited that I am coming to town. My dad doesn't show excitement over anything, ever. I'm a bit nervous about it. He can be really crabby and difficult to deal with. I haven't stayed with either of my patents in like 15 years. I'm going to have to chill out a bit and go with the strange flow of how he operates. Otherwise I could go crazy. It is nice of him though to let me stay there. He even got a room ready for me. All I can say is thank god for the iPhone, my kindle and AA meetings. He doesn't have wifi so that means coffee shops to job search. I have much to do in this regard.

This is a bit of a weird trip home for me. Before I was holding out hope that I might one day get another job in Michigan. Not anymore though. My feet are squarely planted in NYC with the recent changes in my life. I've always had a hard time thinking of anywhere but Michigan as home. But not anymore really. Home is where I am at. It is where I want home to be. Given the recent changes in my life, this may be the last trip back for quite sometime. I have plans to go to Vermont in April and of course I am spending the month of May in NYC with Paul. Oh yeah, I also need a job and need to start working. You know, just a minor detail. That could derail all of my plans but that's ok. I am prepared for that.

So this trip home is sort of like a last of sorts. At least it feels like it. Everything is different now.

Oh I nearly forgot. I have to tell my parents on this visit the truth about what I am doing. That is going to be really really fun.