The dishes rotation

I am becoming a slob in my aloneness. Or it's not really because I am alone, I've lived alone for a long time, but for some reason I am developing what I think is kind of bad habit with the dishes.

I use a lot of spoons. Like a lot of spoons. I use a lot of bowls too because I have cereal every day for breakfast. But usually when I run the dishwasher is determined by when I run out of spoons and I have a lot of spoons. I have to have a lot of spoons or I would be running the dishwasher constantly.

I use one in the morning to take meds, one in the evening to feed the cat canned cat food, and another one at night to take meds. That's at least 3 spoons a day.

So what I do is - I run out of spoons so I run the dishwasher. Then instead of unloading the dishwasher I just take clean spoons out of the dishwasher and then pile them up in the sink. When the dishwasher runs out of spoons, I load it up again with spoons and repeat.

If I park on the fifth floor

I have OCD. It's been bad lately. It's not just that I am obsessive and compulsive about certain things, but I have actual OCD. Completely irrational thought and behavior associations coupled with anxiety.

I've never been treated for it because according to any doctor I've ever discussed it with, unless it really impairs my ability to live, then there is no point in even trying to treat it because it's very hard to treat. So I live with it. Sometimes it's better, sometimes it's worse. But I know how to deal with it. I can talk myself out of it because I know, if I can separate myself from the anxiety feeling, that it is completely irrational. The way it works is that I get anxious, sometimes about something, sometimes about nothing - then I start to associate relief from the anxiety with a completely unrelated activity. Like if I double check the stove my anxiety about work will go away.

When I am under stress, it's worse. Like I said, it's been bad lately. And instead of talking myself out of it, I've been giving into it. Because who wouldn't want a little relief from this unrelenting anxiety.

My irrational thought/behavior associates usually involve food. But I've realized over the past few weeks that I am doing things repetitively again. Like doing things in the same order every morning as I try to get out the door. This is what I did as a kid, besides washing my hands until they were bloody. I would do the same things in the same order every night before going to bed, and if I did something out of order I would start over. It's not the worst that it's ever been, but I am noticing more and more that I am having problems with it.

In particular, I have been stressed about work lately, and extremely stressed about the follow-up mammogram that I had today. Who wouldn't be anxious with that going on. Beyond trying to negotiate my way out of having breast cancer with God, I've been playing all sorts of OCD games trying to deal with it and alleviate it. Like if I eat the cupcake, I will have breast cancer again (so I can't eat the cupcake). Not eating the cupcake makes me feel better. This is so completely irrational. But I threw the cupcake away. Another example, if I go to the AA meeting I won't have breast cancer again. So I better go. I skipped it and I felt really bad, like this could have been a dire mistake. This morning, as I arrived for my mammogram, I had the thought, if I park on the fifth floor, I won't have breast cancer again.

I didn't eat the cupcake and I parked on the fifth floor - and I am still cancer free!

My mammogram was clear.

It's about that time again

Doesn't it seem like I just went through this bullshit of having a mammogram? It does, doesn't it? Well it's been almost 6 months because I have another one two weeks from today. It's about that time when I start freaking out and my days start to be ruined in anticipation of it. I am trying not to have that happen, but to no avail. I know the odds are in my favor, I know all of the statistics, it's not making me feel better. My oncologist is way too overly confident and flat out says that it's not going to happen again. Her confidence does not make me feel better at all, it makes me nervous actually. After this mammogram, they switch to once a year. I am not sure whether I feel better or worse about that. On the one hand maybe it is easier to put it behind you, but on the other hand - are you really being checked and watched closely enough? I just don't know how I feel about it. Sometimes I wish I would have had a double mastectomy so that I wouldn't have to go through this. Did I leave myself in a position to get it again when I could have prevented it? I don't know. I know that it's still an option but my doctor doesn't recommend it at this point. Partly because of my age, partly because I had radiation and partly because the odds are in my favor. But weren't the odds in my favor in the first place? Meaning this never should have happened to begin with.