Spa extravaganza take 5?

I am thinking of planning a spa trip for he and I for the last week in May.  If I don't have a job by then that is.  Part of me really wants a job by then so I can stop worrying about everything, and part of me would like to go to the spa and then start working.  If I have a job by May when he is here, we won't have as much time together.  Which just is the way it is.  I am just torn between what I want.  I know it probably seems crazy and irresponsible to plan such a trip when I am job searching, but I thought it might be nice for he and I to have that time together before he returns to Toronto, and I can afford to go.  I don't know how often he will be able to come here after he starts working, so that time would be nice together.  It is really going to be difficult to be apart while we figure out everything.  Sure we could do something cheaper than go to the spa, but you all know how much I love love love Miraval.  He's the one guy I know who would actually like going to a spa, so there's that.  There is so much to do besides spa services that I think he would really enjoy it.  And if we don't go in May together, I won't be going this year at all.  This would be my fifth year in a row to go, which probably also sounds crazy, but I just never get tired of it there.  I love it.

His parents have offered to pay for our honeymoon next year after we have a wedding with family and friends.  We have decided to do this in May next year.  They are being very generous.  They have also offered to give us some money towards the wedding since we would otherwise be paying for it ourselves.

I guess not every conversation can be perfect and other things

We are trying to sort out immigration issues and how to handle what we are doing.  Whether it makes sense, whether we are going to run into trouble, what our options are etc.  Our conversation didn't go well.  Now I have to wait until tomorrow to talk to him.  I hate that.  I hate it when something goes wrong and then you have to wait to resolve it.  Given how far apart we are, it is kind of important to me that we don't have unresolved issues and conflicts over Skype when we hang up.  Now I get to worry about it all night.  I don't think he is really in the mood to talk about it anymore right now and I don't want to bug him to.

On another note, it has been suggested to me that not changing my name because it is a hassle might not be the best reason.  That's not the only reason, but that is certainly factoring into my thinking on it.  I have other reasons, but maybe they are invalid.  I can't figure out what outweighs what.  I talked to him about it and of course he said it is up to me.  He said though that it would make him really happy if I changed it, but that he wouldn't be upset if I didn't.  Hmm.  Do I change it because it would make him happy?  I don't know.  I confused right now.  Not about him - it's just this immigration stuff is throwing me off and worrying me.

Also, I saw my doctor finally today about going off medication.  To my surprise he was totally on board with the idea.  I really thought he was going to object but he didn't.  He said he thinks it is fine if I want to try that and see how I feel and of course cautioned me about mood instability.  Duh to that but I am not really at all worried about how I am going to feel.  The annoying thing is that it is going to take me 8 weeks to get off of it.  I have to cut down to zero 50 mg at a time for two weeks at a time because there is a risk of having a seizure if you stop taking the drug too quickly.   Not a huge risk that this will happen, especially because I am cutting it out slowly, but I am freaked out about it.  I have read all kinds of horrible things on the Internet about the side effects of going off this drug.  I really want off of it faster, but I feel like I have to follow his directions on this one.  I wonder if I had known about this seizure risk upon stopping the drug, whether I would have gone on it in the first place.

Ugh.  Today is just a great big UGH.

What's in a name?

I couldn't sleep last night.  At all.  I think I slept for like an hour.  So in the middle of the night I went online to check out the requirements for getting a marriage license in NYC.  It was, as I suspected, super easy.

I am having a debate with myself over whether to change my name.  If I were younger I would change it.  But I am not younger anymore and I have a professional reputation associated with my name.  Besides, I am rather attached to it at this point.  We are getting married on my 35th birthday.  In Illinois you can change your name whenever you feel like it.  You just need a copy of the marriage license.  In NYC, however, you have to change it on the marriage license itself.  This is not ideal.  I would like a little more time to make that decision.  If you change your mind and you want to change it later, you need a new marriage license and you have to get married again.  I am going to ask him if he has any thought about it, but I already know that he will just want me to do whatever I want.  I can't decide.  If I change it on the marriage license, all of my documentation is going to be immediately wrong.  Driver's license, passport, social security card, all my credit cards, bills, bank accounts, investment accounts.  Ugh.  I think that weighs in favor of not changing it, just because I don't want to deal with the hassle.

Call me crazy

Everyone else is.  

Detoxing

I have decided to go off of the bipolar medication that I have been on for the past three and a half years.  I need to be off of it anyway if I am going to have a family (which no, I am not doing yet), and I feel like now is the right time to give it a try and see how I feel.  So far I am off of everything I was taking but two drugs.  One of the drugs I can stop, but the other one I think I have to slowly go off of.  I have read up on withdrawal from this particular drug, and everything I have read is horrible.  Not only does it sound horrible but it sounds down right dangerous.  Of course I am going to do this with my doctor's supervision, but I have to admit, I am a little bit nervous about it.  I am not nervous about how I am going to feel after I am fully off of it, just nervous that something could go wrong in the process.  However I feel once I am off of everything, I think I can handle.

Rings and things

I hate the fact that I feel like I am making an unpopular choice.  I suppose this is based almost solely on my mother's reaction.  Why the hell is this bothering me so much?  Since when do I really care if I have her approval or not for the decisions that I make?  I'm still so angry about the things that she said to me when we talked, the accusations she made.  I guess it some how escaped me just how damn judgmental she is.  And after all of the accusations and nasty comments were made, she went on to tell me how she would accept whoever I choose.  YEAH RIGHT.  I'd like to know her definition of acceptance.  I am pretty sure I won't be bringing him around much.  And I am okay with that.  He has a very loving, kind and generous family.  So why not spend our free time with them.  I am sure that my mother and maybe others are thinking this is like the situation when I had breast cancer and married the guy I was dating at the time, only for a short time.  I can assure you it is not.  I had known him for only 6 months, and I can tell you that when you think you are going to die, be left infertile, and that no one else will ever love you again, you make crazy choices when you have no other sources of support.  You'd have to have been there, but no one showed up for me.  Not even my parents.  He was what I had so I settled for it out of fear.  And no matter what anyone thinks, this situation is not like that situation.

Anyway, on to other things.  His family is so excited, it's really sweet actually.  His sister started crying when she found out that we want to be together.  His mom and sister wanted to know if I had seen the TLC show Say Yes to the Dress, which of course I have, so I invited them to come to NYC to go to Kleinfeld and pick out a dress with me.  Of course I have one that I am in love with.  But being that he works in fashion, I really want him to like it.  And he mentioned yesterday that he and his mom have a special shopping trip planned so that can only mean one thing - a ring!  He wanted to know what I like so I sent him a few examples because I don't like anything plain, I like rings that look vintage or antique.  I found a beautiful one to send as an example.  I also prematurely started looking at places in my home town to have a wedding reception.  Again, I don't want something plain, I want something kind of unique or different.  And no traditional wedding vows - something different.

I never thought I could get this excited about a wedding.  I was engaged once before to be married when I was 24 or 25 and I called that wedding off.  It's funny, but this feels so much different.  I didn't really want anything to do with the planning of that wedding.  But this one, I can hardly wait.  I already know that my mother isn't going to give a shit about the details, but his mom and sister are so excited that I will welcome their help and really appreciate it.  My mom on the other hand is probably just going to show up.

Also, we've done some research and made some decisions.  This is going to be really unpopular, but here goes.  Because he is not a US citizen, the fastest way to get him working in the US is if we are married so he can apply for his green card.  We are going to get married sooner rather than later so he can do t his, and then have a real wedding next year complete with everything!  I might not tell this to very many people in my life.  I might just keep it between you and me Internet and the few people who know me in real life who read this.  In terms of getting married here in NY we are thinking possibly for my birthday in May.  He can then file the paper work he needs to file.  We are thinking the following May for a wedding.

Jet lag

I am having a terrible time switching time zones.  It was easy going over to London but coming back, not so much.  I haven't been able to sleep past 6:30.  It's super annoying.  I guess I need to keep myself up later one night just to get myself to hopefully, fingers crossed, sleep later.  I get up at 6:30 and I have nothing to do.

The way they are

I would not categorize my family as being supportive, at all really, in any way.  Certain of them sure, but not most of them, and maybe not entirely.  There is just so much family dysfunction.  I don't know why as an adult I would still hope for parental approval of my decisions, but that must be what I was subconsciously, or even very consciously hoping for when I told my mother that I want to be with my ex-boyfriend.  I decided to feed her the information in bits and pieces because telling her my true intentions wouldn't have gone well.  Simply telling her that we intend to see each other again was all I told her and she reacted really negatively.  She made several inappropriate and unnecessary comments and accusations.  It left me rather angry really and not really wanting to tell anyone else.  

I don't feel like I can tell anyone our true intentions, which is for him to move and for us to get married some time next year.  It sucks.  Everyone I know, for the most part, would simply think I am making to rash of a decision.  That I don't know what I am doing and that I haven't thought about it.  Thanks for the support guys and confidence in me.  The reality is, I have had 16 years to think about it and a hell of a lot of regrets.  We have stayed in touch over the past 16 years, more sometimes than others, but always knowing that the other one of us was out there and what we were up to and how to contact each other.  There was never a time that seemed to work out right though until now.  And I will say one thing - no, I can't explain what it is between us that has always been there, but it always has.  And for those of you who know what I am talking about, when you know something, you just know it.  It's not that I am not being rational or practical about it or thinking it through, it's just that it defies explanation, and like I just said, sometimes you just know.

Obviously I am really feeling a lack of support from the people in my family and in my life.  I am sorry that the people in my life can't just be happy that I am happy.  It really puts a damper on things.  Fortunately, when he told his parents that we wanted to see each other again and be together they were extremely happy and excited for us and happy to help us find a way to be together.  At least there is happiness and support on one side, otherwise, this would feel much more difficult.

Like it or not, I have decided I want to be with him.  I told my mother if she can't accept that, to stay the hell out of my life.

Looking ahead not back, or trying to anyway

I am trying to leave London with a positive attitude instead of sad. But I am of course incredibly sad. I mentioned regret and I am trying to look ahead and not back because what I have lost feels so unbelievably overwhelming. I'm really just sad about it. I don't know how else to describe it other than that I am terribly sad. Sixteen years have passed and I had been wrong. I don't know how to describe what that feels like.

But all is not lost I guess. I have now right? That's what I keep telling myself anyway. It's about the now and the next chapter of my life.

The greatest regret of my life

Sometimes there are these moments in time where everything changes - in a good way. The moments are sudden, sometimes almost unnoticed. Unplanned for. But there is a shift. And sometimes they are so overpowering that they can't be ignored. I have experienced a bit of both this week here in London I think. Both the subtle and the not so subtle. All the things that I thought mattered so much for so long have fallen away. They never mattered much really after all. I was wrong. I guessed wrong. But not in the end. In the end it is easy. In the end it makes sense. In the end it is happy. But it is, and probably will be, the greatest regret of my life.

All the things I ever wondered

I'll just say this - I might have guessed wrong.

From London with love

The markets are endless and so are the crowds of people. No one seems to know which side of the sidewalk to walk on but I suspect that is because we are all tourists. I've only come close to getting hit a couple of times - but not my fault.

We are having a fabulous time catching up. I haven't had this much fun or felt this much like myself in a long time. It's nice. There is much to tell when I get back!

Sliding doors

I love the movie Sliding Doors.  It's an older one.  Because I like the idea that the whole trajectory of your life can be altered by something as simple as missing your train.

There are a lot of "what ifs" tied up in this trip to London.  A lot of should have and could have and unknowns.  I guess I ultimately think that the decision that I made to end this relationship was the right one at the time, but the decision may not have been entirely my own.

My mother didn't like him.  She thought he was weird and that he was trying to manipulate me.  I never understood (and still don't) what she thought he was trying to manipulate me into doing at 18.  And everyone else thought he was weird because he was what we called "alternative" at the time.  I realize now, all these years later, that he wasn't weird.  He was simply himself.  

I broke up with him largely because I cared what people thought of him, and what they thought of me by extension.  I wish I had been a stronger personality.  If I have a regret, it's that I wasn't a better person.  That I didn't handle it in the best way possible.  That I didn't treat him appropriately or with the respect that I should have.

Anyway, maybe this trip will clear up all the things I ever wondered.  Though I suspect it may raise as many questions as it does answers.

My 19 year old self

When I was 19 I was extremely shy, terrified of what people thought of me, afraid to be myself, timid, very introverted, self-conscious, insecure, unsure of myself, afraid to express my true thoughts and feelings, afraid to stand up for myself.  I was always afraid that if someone knew the real me, they wouldn't want to be friends with me.  I could be different things for different people to make up for that.  I felt like everyone was looking at me and all I wanted was to go unnoticed.  Am I still these things?  Probably to some extent yes, I am all of these things even at 34.  Though to a lesser degree.

I am trying to just notice the way that I am feeling without necessarily trying to change it quite yet.  I am extremely nervous about this meeting with my high school boyfriend.  I am feeling afraid to be myself.  One of two things happen when you have a boyfriend so young and you stay together.  You either grow together, in ways that are compatible, or you grow impossibly apart.  I wonder sometimes which way we would have gone.  My guess is apart.

Will he accept me the way I am?  Can I tell him I don't drink and why?  Can I tell him about all the medication I take and what it's for?  Can I just be honest?  Do I care what he thinks of me?  I've always told myself that if a person cares about the reason I don't drink, then they aren't worth knowing anyway. I mean, what's the point in knowing someone and trying to be friends with someone that doesn't accept you for you.  How much of me can I put out there and be accepted?  And do I care?

It's kind of strange really.  I'm 34 and in my head I understand all of these things that I am feeling and that I used to feel.  I can overcome the ways I felt and the things I felt about myself when I was younger.  I can talk myself out of being shy or afraid.  But this situation, surprisingly, has made me feel like I am 19 again.  I feel all those things that I felt when I was 19.

Pre-packing

I am a pre-packer when it comes to going on vacation.  I am also an over packer.  So, I pre-pack to make sure I can fit everything and to eliminate as much as possible.  This way, hopefully I end up with something reasonable.  I have already started trying to figure out what to take to London, which may be a bit on the early side.  Do I really need two handbags?  What about an extra coat like thing with a fun fuzzy collar?  How about the suede boots?  And the jewelry, do I need that?  What about the couple of extra outfits for going out at night?

What have I gotten myself into?

I really don't know what to expect from this trip, so I am trying to go into it with an open mind and no expectations.  I haven't seen this person in 12 years, though we have stayed in contact on and off over the years and recently via Skype.  I just don't want it to be weird so I am trying not to assume that it will be.  He is taking the week off of work so I am sure we will go see lots of things in London.  It's been a long time since I've been there.  The only thing is, we will pretty much be spending the entire time together since he is off of work.  I am definitely feeling nervous about this.  I think at first it will be weird and then the weirdness will go away.  We'll see!  I won't have my computer so I won't be posting while I am there, but hopefully I will come back with lots of pictures!

I keep thinking my blackberry is going off

Oh wait - I DON'T HAVE IT ANYMORE. HA HA HA HA HA.