The deadline was December 12, 2007. I decided when I had breast cancer, that if I could still have children after taking chemo drugs, which was a big if, that I would make the decision to have them or not have them by myself (since I have no significant other) by my one year anniversary of finishing treatment. That was then. It's now April of 2011, and although I am nearly certain that I can have children if I want to, I am no closer to making that decision than I was a few years ago.
I get tired of hearing that I have time. I get really tired of hearing that. But you are so young everyone says. The reality is, you are lucky to still be fertile after taking chemo drugs. And if you are, they warn you not to wait. They tell you to have children sooner rather than later because you won't be fertile as long as you would have been. And for how long you may be fertile is basically a mystery. They also tell you that after taking chemo drugs, you will go through menopause roughly ten years earlier than your mother. That calculation is concerning because my mother went through menopause relatively young.
So where does that leave me? I don't know. The clock is ticking on making this decision. Some days I really want to and feel more emotional about it. Other days I feel really rational about it and think it's simply an impossibility for me to have children on my own. I mean, I watch two people do it together and it seems impossible. There are days when I decide not to and days when I think I might regret it. There are days when I am certain that it just simply isn't meant to be since I don't have a man in my life. Day after day I change my mind. And I wonder whether the fact that I can't commit means I would be a terrible mother. My mother told me once that when it came to having children, she could have simply taken it or left it. That my father was the one who wanted us.
This is an impossible decision. How does one make an impossible, life altering, possibly regrettable, undoable decision.
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