Some people I know, AA people in particular, might call what I am doing taking the geographic cure. You know what I mean. The grass is always greener, and when I get over there, to that place where the grass is greener, things are going to be different. As if by magic, I am going to wake up someone else. I will be happy. Life will be different in all of the ways that I used to think it sucked. I don't suffer from that illusion anymore. I've been there and I've tried it. Not so much with locations but with material things. So sure that if I just got the thing I wanted everything would be better. Only to find out when I got it that I either didn't want it after all or it didn't change anything. Of course it didn't.
The truth is, I have given this a lot of thought. I never knew when I came here to Chicago if I had the intention to stay forever or not. It was more like a stepping stone and a really great job which honestly I thought I would have moved on from by now. Well, to be really honest, my life looks nothing like I wanted it to or like I thought it would. But that's another post for another day. I have been thinking about moving for probably two years now. Wondering what the right time would be and where to go. I wanted to go to Michigan, though I always had some reservations about it. A lot of changes in management happened at work and suddenly they were intent on block telecommuting arrangements. Well, that's when I immediately started job searching. The trouble is, my area of law is so specialized that there isn't much out there. Fortunately, it is what I would call an up and coming position in companies.
One thing I have learned from AA, from watching people live their lives and make choices, is that it is possible to be happy anywhere. It is possible for you to make a life for yourself anywhere. It just takes the effort. It is like anything in life, you get out of it what you put into it. That's exactly what I have going on right now - not much. Unfortunately, I've never been able, despite actually trying, to get myself integrated into the program here. I don't have close friends in AA here. It's not like it was in Ann Arbor where someone calls you when you don't show up for the noon meeting to see if you are ok. I don't show up and no one notices. Luckily I have other forms of accountability through non-AA friends. Anyway, I've never been comfortable enough here to raise my hand at a meeting and talk, and that's a problem. Part of the problem with me and AA in Chicago is that Chicago is all about having breast cancer. I mean, I had been here about 6 weeks when I found out and my immediate reaction was to withdraw, to not tell anyone, to isolate myself. And even when it was over, and I had survived, I just couldn't get myself integrated into AA. That is something that needs to change. There are lots of things that need to change. It's just that I know it isn't going to happen by magic.
Anyway, I would be lying though if I didn't say that the grass looks a bit greener on the other side. I think that is only natural when you decide to make a move to a new location. Even if you know that you have to put the effort in, it still looks a little brighter. If it didn't, would you really be going? I do think I can make a life for myself there and be happy and content and integrate myself into AA. And I believe that my job will be better there as well. But I also know that it's all about the choices I make. I have to make it happen. I want a new start. I want a new beginning. I want another chance. I want a do over.
They approved my move to New York and I am going.
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