A year goes by

I had my dreaded annual mammogram on Tuesday this week in Chicago.  It went fine.  Everything was fine.  They didn't even call me back for additional films like they usually do.  It was quick and over with before I knew it.  I saw my surgeon afterwards and we had a short chat.  I am in the clear for another year.

It's a funny feeling.  I always think that I react wrong.  I always anticipate a moment of overwhelming relief because there is such a build up of anxiety before the appointment.  It never happens that way though.  I never have that overwhelming moment of relief.  I think to the outside observer my response could be very confusing.

Every year when mammogram time comes around, which is always in July, I retreat inside myself to what I can only describe as a dark place.  I anticipate the worst - because that is simply how I deal with it, and I become very introspective, reflective.  I really think about the state of my life.  What is right, what isn't how I want it to be, what I wish was different.  Are there things I can change?  Should change?  Want to change?

I am always astounded by the amount of regret that I feel when I go through this process every year.  I am so terrified every year that I will find out my time is up, it's over, I had my second chance and I blew it, I wasted it.  I ask myself every year - if I find out tomorrow I am dying, how am I going to feel?  How is it possible that I have so much regret?  I felt that again, this year - really strongly.  How many more chances am I going to get?