Perhaps a bit prematurely

This might seem a bit premature, and maybe it really is, I don' t know, but I've decided I don't want to have another relationship, like ever. I know, I know, I'm only 32 and anything can happen, there is still time. That's what people always say, you have time - meaning you have time to have children. Well, I don't in fact, have time. Not all the time in the world anyway and no time to waste. Why bother with another relationship that is going to go horribly wrong three years down the road and then you are left starting over, again. Forget it. Again and again you start over until it's just plain too late. At this point, if I am being honest about it, I can only say that I am looking for a husband, not a relationship, and I don't want to look for a husband so that I can have kids "in time." It's just not what I want to do. I'm just not interested anymore.

So, I have decided to skip the husband altogether and go straight to the having kids part. I've decided this in my mind, I haven't decided how to execute on this. The reason is that a) I won't be fertile for as long as I would have been had I never taken chemo drugs, b) they can't predict how long I will be fertile and c) I've been told I shouldn't wait very long because of a) and b). What does any of this mean except that I don't have time for another relationship to fall part and to have to start over. I just don't have the time.

I wish I knew how little or how much time I do have, but I don't know. There aren't even good statistics to predict this. I told myself that 1 year after finishing treatment I would start to make decisions about this issue. And that time came and went and now it's a nearly a year and a half later than that and nothing has happened. I haven't met anyone. I haven't dated anyone. Is time running out? I don't know. That's the problem, I don't know and I have no way of knowing. It pisses me off when people tell me that I have all kinds of time because I just may not actually have all that much time left.

I thought I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't be able to do it alone. I thought the alone part was going to stop me. But maybe I won't have to do it alone. Maybe there are people who will help me.

So in theory I have plotted out how to do it but executing on it is something else. First things first, all this medication I just went on, I am going to find out whether I have to go off of it when I decide to do this. The answer is most likely. So there is that downside. Anyway, then I am going to go talk to the fertility doctor that I saw when I first found out I had breast cancer. See then I was going to freeze embryos because I had a boyfriend. It is no surprise that that relationship fell apart (long story not worth telling). I regretted for a long time that I didn't freeze the embryos in case I was no longer fertile. Now I guess I am glad that I didn't freeze them.

Anyway, the point is, I no longer care whether I have a boyfriend, or a husband, ever, but I am going to find a way to have kids. Someone will help me.