The guilt about it

My main vacation for the year is coming up, and boy do I need it. Most likely I'll end up taking two vacations because I am really only out of the office for 6 days for this one. It's hard to believe it has been almost a year, well 10 months, since I went on that leave of absence. The truth is, I wish I had taken more time, which I could have legally, and I should have. I didn't because I felt guilty. Ever since they hired me, which was over three years ago now, I've felt like I have to prove myself because I had breast cancer. I felt so bad that I was diagnosed with it right after they paid a fee to hire me, that all this time I have been trying to make sure that they think they made the right decision by hiring me. Which has resulted in me feeling guilty every single time I take a day off. I feel like I need a good reason, like I have to justify it, like it can't just be because I feel like I need a day, it has to be for a reason more legitimate than that, it has to be for something big or something out of my control like a doctor's appointment. Going home to Michigan isn't even legitimate enough. Anyway, I wanted to take today off too, not just tomorrow, but again, I felt too guilty too. This is something I need to work on. Never once has the partner I work with given me a hard time about a day off or a vacation - it is all manufactured in my head. In fact he has never said a word about any of it, or ever said no to me working from outside the office either. I am determined not to feel guilty about being off tomorrow because I don't want it to ruin my time with my friend.