With all of this stress about having to find another job, being honest with the partner, fucking up a project at work and my work load/the fact that things are way behind, my anxiety level is killing me. I just don't know how much more anxiety I can take.
Tomorrow if the weather is nice, I am going to Central Park to walk around. Just to think I guess. Although what is there to think about? I already have a plan. And I have a pretty good sense of how to execute the plan. But damn, I don't think I have felt this anxious ever in the history of feeling anxious. The medication I take for it is just plain not working. Like not at all.
The only worry that I have about my plan and its execution is whether I have stamped an expiration date on my job. Is the partner only going to be willing to help me for so long? Is he going to say in 6 months if we haven't found the right job, you are out? That is the one variable that I don't know. I need to pin that down.
Although I have done the calculation in my head many times over. It is far better to have the partner's help and have a 6 month expiration date than to try to do this on my own. The partner knows nearly everyone within our professional circle. He is really well known, really well respected, and he said there is a lot he can do to help me.
I am sitting around playing the game in my head of whether or not to go this way, when really I think I am already too far down the road to go back. So onward it is.
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