If you landed here because

You are trying to figure out how to get cat pee out of carpet, use white vinegar and baking soda. It will get the smell out - but it will ruin your vacuum.

You are trying to get nail polish out of a porous tile floor, use a lot of nail polish remover, then Comet, then Oxy Clean. Hopefully the nail polish wasn't dry when you discovered it.

You don't like peeing at rest stops - pee at hotels instead. Just walk in like you belong there.

You have a pain under your arm - no, it's probably not cancer. But have it checked out if it doesn't go away in 10 days.

You can't concentrate - neither can I. I don't have any answers for you. But when you figure it out, stop back here and let me know.

You like to wear shoes without socks in the winter - so do I. I think it's perfectly appropriate.

You are wondering whether it will pass - it will. I promise. It just might suck really bad and be really painful before it does.

You have some questions about removing your catalytic converter and you happen to live in Massachusetts - I don't have any answers for you either. I never did figure out if it's legal to remove your catalytic converter in that state.

You are wondering about donkey auctions - we left before the donkey was auctioned. But I still would love to know what it sold for.

You are looking for pumpkin carving ideas - I do not recommend attempting to carve a relief with a u-gouge linoleum cutter. I stabbed myself with it and it took several practice pumpkins before I gave up and got one of those cool pattern books.

You are homesick for a place that does exist - so am I. I don't know what to tell you. So am I.

These are the top searches that have landed people at my blog recently. Sorry, folks, I am pretty much no help at all.

Would you not trust your lawyer if he or she misplaced a comma?

I don't claim to be all about proper punctuation - particularly here on my blog. I just don't really care. However, a strange thing happened today. I realized what a freak I actually am (well, jeez, it's about time isn't it?).

No, the project didn't get done on time. And yes that bothers me, but we have been missing deadlines left and right because we are all drowning. Anyway, the deadline isn't that big of a deal. I sent the work product to the client at noon today - and the fact is - it was only 1/4 of the complete product - the rest is due to be delivered next Monday through Wednesday.

And thank God for the junior associate because it took us both all day to pull the advice together. And, she sat there with me until 7:45 p.m. which was when I finally decided that it wasn't going out last night. And she listened to me stress about the phrasing of every other sentence and wondering whether my use of the words anticipate, expect, should, may, could, possibly - were sufficient - whether my advice was properly hedged in the event of an incorrect factual assumption.... She really did a great job helping me and I couldn't have gotten this out today without her.

Here's the thing - when I don't have a partner to sign off on something, I can edit it ad infinitum. I prefer it of course when I have partner approval - it always makes me nervous when he says send it and I don't want to read it. That's good though right - I mean, he trusts me, he thinks I know what I'm doing, he must think I write well. It's just that with this I was responsible for analyzing it, preparing it and delivering it without approval. And I realized how hard it was to cut myself off from the editing process and how stressful it is to be in the position of taking responsibility for the advice. I mean - I never have anyone looking over my shoulder and telling me how to do something - and I generally take a project from beginning to end myself - but I always have the partner to answer questions and give me final sign-off on something. It just seems like lately more and more responsibility is falling on me. More and more clients call me directly instead of the partner (because I am easier to get a hold of) - I just feel like the responsibility has doubled in the past few weeks. It's noticeable and sudden.

And with this particular project I didn't even have anyone to answer questions - it was like I was ultimately really responsible for the analysis and advice, and it really made me nervous even though I know what I am doing.

In the end though I was actually really happy with the work product and really comfortable with it. And then in a moment of panic, before I sent it - I had to re-assess my use of the comma and semi-colon through out - because, you know, wouldn't it concern you if your lawyer misplaced a comma (actually, would you know if your lawyer misplaced a comma)? Never mind the advice, it's the comma that matters. Like I said, when I write my blog or anything else, who the hell has time to care about commas etc. (sorry Nina, by the way, you should read Nina). But when it comes to my work, I am meticulous about every last little detail.

So what I learned from this particular project is that my job is becoming stressful in new ways that it didn't used be (gee, making partner looks less interesting after the week I've had), and that I may not be the easiest person to work for - my standards are pretty damn high when it comes to putting my name on something.

(I'm not really going to mention that I have to work this weekend and that I'm bitter about it. I also won't go into detail on how I screwed myself over by not working after noon today so that you can at least feel a little sorry for me that I am going to work on Easter.)

Lincoln Log photos

Before:After:

I think I may have to buy my nephew another set - some kind of expansion set or something, so I can build a Lincoln Log mansion next time.

For Nina

Nina tagged me for the 7 weird things meme, so this is for Nina. Thank you for the distraction. And then I'm not posting again until next week. Keep praying, please. Get everyone to pray.

I'm not sure these things are so much weird as they are just random. Here you go:

1. I 'm obsessed with skincare and anti-aging products. I put three different products on my face every day that cost $50 each (and that's not all I put on my face every day - you don't even want to know what my skin care process involves. Let's just say it's becoming time consuming now that I've added lactic acid to the mix). Is it working? How the hell would I know.

2. When I go out of town for more than 2 nights, I unplug all the lamps in the house. The toaster is never plugged in. I have obsessive compulsive disorder, really, I do.

3. I have two coffee pots, but I don't drink coffee. I started drinking coffee when I was 8, because my dad told me it would stunt my growth and I would be shorter than I otherwise would have been. I drank it every morning from the time I was 8 until I went to law school. I'm 5 foot 9 and I don't drink coffee anymore. Did it work? How the hell would I know.

4. If I could be anything in the world - have any other job - I would be an architect. Hands down, no question. I missed my calling.

5. I'm not a shoe person, I'm a coat person.

6. My favorite foods are sushi and dark chocolate.

7. I love all things lime. If I am going to eat something artificially flavored - at the very least it has to be citrus, but preferably lime. In fact, I really like to just eat limes, until my stomach hurts. And I have an unusual liking for all things pickled. Oh, I used to drink vinegar when I was a kid.

I guess I could have done the 7 people maybe - Ellen DeGeneres, Gloria Steinem, hmm, there is one more that I'm leaving off because I don't want to say who it is, I'm distantly related to Mr. Howell from Gilligan's Island (but I never met him). Let me keep thinking on this. Edited to add: Can I count people that I stood on a street corner right next to, but was too afraid to say hello to? Scarlet Johansen and Ewen McGregor - outside of my former office in Detroit when they were filming the Island - my office building was right in the set and we stood outside and watched for hours at a time - I turned around, and almost bumped into them.

I'm tagging Rachel, okay, and Trey. I can't tag 7 people right now, I just can't.

Here's your instructions:
Link to the person who tagged you. Leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Share the seven most famous or infamous people you have met. Or go with the original 7 weird things about yourself. Tag 7 people.

The time a gigantic fire truck and eight firemen came to my house

I had this weird dream last night in which I had rented an apartment. It was a dump. And it was furnished. Now I know that in undergrad we always rented furnished apartments - but when I think about this now - it grosses me out. Imagine how many gross things happened on those couches. Plus, I really only like new construction. I know - it's kind of like parking at work - but I just don't like to live in dumpy or old places. I like the nice, clean newness. Anyway - in this dream I was going around the house checking the smoke detectors to see if they worked. There were a lot of them. And I was trying to find a carbon monoxide detector in the house. I was pissed because I was having to buy batteries for a bunch of them and I kept saying how I was going to bill the landlord for it. Sadly - these are things I would probably do in real life.

It just made me think about this place that I lived in law school for 8 months. It was a dump - well - okay, maybe not a total dump - but it was kind of a dump. At least the furniture was mine. I had the first floor of a house for $600 a month which is cheap in the town I went to school in. The wood floors were totally uneven and I couldn't for the life of me get them clean - your socks would turn black. The kitchen was the worst I think - just old and crappy. No counter or cupboard space - the microwave had to be kept in the dining room. Anyway - it wasn't terrible I guess.

So there was this one night in early December one year, when I was studying for law school exams - the night before two of them. Suddenly, my house filled with the smell of gas - not the stove - the stove was electric - gasoline. After a while it was making me sick and I couldn't figure out where it was coming from - not my apartment, but somewhere in the house. I called my dad. We decided I should call the non-emergency number for the fire department - because isn't that what you would do if your house filled with the smell of gasoline and you had some worry that it could maybe possibly catch on fire or explode or something?

I called the non-emergency number and they thought it best to stop over and have a peek. They sent the largest fire truck possible, sirens blaring and 8 firemen in full fire gear. It was uh, embarrassing. The maintenance guy for my landlord's properties lived in the unit upstairs from me. He wasn't home. Turns out he decided to stash the snow blower in the landing to the basement. The uh, leaking snow blower - it was leaking gasoline all over the landing and basement stairs. They did a little inspection while they were at it and discovered that gas cans were being stored right next to the furnace and hot water heater. Um, HELLO? The landlord was cited for multiple building code violations in addition to the storage location of the gas cans - you should have seen the basement - it was a complete and total pit. God only knows what else was being stored down there. At first I felt bad about it - the citations - but then I didn't.

There was also the time that I went out of town for Christmas (oh, this was only about 3 weeks after the firemen incident) and when I returned, I returned to a toilet that had exploded - yes - there was shit (literally) all over the bathroom - about halfway up the walls and spread into the bedroom and the floors had to be ripped out down to the sub floor and replaced because poo had seeped between. The landlord apparently thought the maintenance guy could clean this mess up with a sponge and some dish soap - which if you know me a little, you know this would not fly. I hired the catastrophe clean up people (yes, that is actually what they were called) (the heat vents had to be cleaned as well cause the poo got in there) - had the floor ripped out and replaced, billed the landlord for the whole thing and oh yeah, I deemed it uninhabitable and deducted rent for the time period in which I could not live there.

You can see why I only lived there for 8 months. Maybe this poo incident is why I only like new construction.

Then I burned the toast, twice actually

I realized this morning that there is definite value in having to be at work by a certain time, even if it is only to get cheaper parking. The value - it requires you to get there. See, I don't have a job that requires me to be there at a certain time. We all just do our own thing and set our own schedules and get our work done and it's a non-issue. I am a come in earlier and leave earlier type (in theory - the leaving earlier part), while the partner I work for is a come in a little later and leave a little later type (which is why me leaving earlier is more of a theory). The head of my group is a come in extremely early and leave... (uh, does he leave?). The guy down the hall is a come in really late, if at all, and then disappear behind a door not to be seen for what seems like days. So basically, I have nothing but myself to motivate myself to get there (except the occasional obscenely early morning phone call, and I used to have the prospect of reasonably priced parking).

I could have guessed the whole thing would go wrong when I hit that snooze button this morning...

I'm not a snoozer and in fact, I didn't even snooze. I just laid there, for 8 pointless minutes. Then I skipped praying, because I thought - oh, I'm "late" getting in the shower - I'll pray when I get out, which I forgot to do. See - I have this down to a science - getting ready for work. I do the exact same things in the exact same order every single day and it takes the exact same amount of time. Seriously. It takes me X number of minutes to get up, do what I need to do, get out the door and get into the parking garage by 8 a.m. - give or take about 3 minutes. It is precise.

But a funny thing happens when you don't "have" to be there for the cheaper parking rate (because you are, ahem, a monthly parker). Suddenly every aspect of "getting ready" takes significantly longer. Huh. That's surprising. I used to be able to do this in X number of minutes. I also seemed to have a bit of a snag with my breakfast. Normally I can pull breakfast off without a hitch (cause how hard can it be really?). But here I am doing things all out of order, neglecting to pray, reading a blog, wandering around aimlessly apparently, putting makeup on before eating, and then wait a second, I burned my toast. Crap, I hate burnt toast, let me make it again while I finish putting make up on. Crap, I burned it again. Seriously. I burned the toast twice this morning in just a few minutes.

Then I'm all ready to go - finally. I thought - shit I completely forgot to pray, and damn it now I have black pants on and I don't want to re-lint roll the cat hair off. This praying out of order thing doesn't work for me. I have to roll out of bed and onto the floor and pray immediately, or I won't remember. I know - I'll pray in the car, no wait - I'll pray in my office when I get to work, I'll just pray in my chair. No, no, that won't work. Go stand in front of the book shelf and pray (further delay in leaving). I did - I stood in front of the book shelf that I normally kneel in front of, coat, purse and all, and prayed. It sounds odd probably that I kneel in front of a book shelf - but - the books I read are right there - I do two daily readings and then pray - and I like to kneel in front of this painting that I painted that is on the book shelf (it's a painting of a lake and a tree and a sunset).

Anyway, it turns out this was all about parking all along. Going to work early I mean. I had this perfectly artificial reason to go to work. It was not that I love my job and that I just can't wait to get there to the piles and piles on my desk of projects that need to be done for clients that want to "achieve compliance" and I just can't wait to help them do this so I get there early every day (and, uh, stay late). No, it was about the parking. It's more like this - if I have to go there, well, I would like it to be as convenient as possible while at the same time being reasonably priced. But if I had the option, I would probably rather just stay home, at least lately I think. Now, don't get me wrong, I do really like my job a lot - I might even go so far as to say I love my job, but it was definitely the parking motivating me. I think I need a vacation. So now what am I going to do? I am going to have to invent another reason to go to work.

Monthly parking: I think I love you

Today was the first day of really bad weather we've had this season. I went out in it, and it sucked. I would be perfectly happy to stay in my condo until spring - if only that were an option. It was freezing rain/snowing/super windy and cold. All I could think was - why don't I live somewhere warmer? And how much would it suck to actually have to take the bus in this? I know, I'm lame. Lots of people don't have cars, and can't afford the luxury, and yes, I am tremendously grateful for my car and I do realize what a luxury it is. When I moved back to a big city, I never imagined that I would drive as much as I do.

It's official - I've been broken down - I'm a monthly parker (how embarrassing). I live two miles from my office and drive straight across downtown to get to work, and yes, pay a small fortune to park the car - all for the convenience of not having to go out in bad weather and so that it's easier to get home after a long day at work. In my defense, I actually walk to and from work about 3 days a week when the weather is nice - that's 12 miles. I know - we've been through this analysis at least two times before - are we really going to talk about this parking dilemma again, just so I can make myself feel less lame for spending money on this? Yes, we are. But this is the last time.

They jacked up the daily parking rate, as I mentioned before, resulting in a cost of $320 per month to park at work - and that's assuming you are in the garage by 8 a.m. That's pretty early to HAVE to be to work (when you have the option of getting there whenever you want) - but if you aren't there by 8 - it's $24 for the day - obscene. After some careful research (that my secretary did), I discovered that they didn't jack the monthly rate as high as the daily rate. It used to be about the same to pay daily and monthly, assuming you got there early. Now, suddenly, it is $30 less to pay monthly. $30 - AND - you can get there whenever you want. Yes, the scale tipped the other way.

BUT - I've been foiled - everyone else discovered this at the same time, just before winter, and suddenly there is a 6 month wait list to monthly park in my office building (when there didn't used to be any wait list at all). WHAT? I guess you can't be an on again off again on again monthly parker. It's all or nothing. You either are one or you aren't. By the time my spot comes up it's going to be summer and I won't want to monthly park anymore - I'll want to walk again. But what will I do - will I take my spot? Hmm. Did I previously neglect to mention during my prior analysis of the situation, that there is a parking garage across the street from my office? Yeah, I probably forgot to mention that - because it - uh - involves going outside to cross the street and walking half a block to my office. Okay people - it may not seem like it - but significant time is lost by parking across the street, or so it seems, equivalent to .2 of an hour on either end maybe.

Unfortunately though, I just can't justify paying $320 a month to park when I could pay $23o. That's right - it's only $230 to monthly park across the street. This is totally reasonable. So, basically, I've wasted a lot of money on parking. In my defense though, it used to only cost me $280 to park at the daily rate, so I really haven't wasted that much, only $50 a month. I waste more than that on other things easily in a month. Besides, I was saving a lot of money by walking. I am afraid that if I pay to park monthly all year round - I will never be able to convince myself to walk at all. I will feel obligated to park. So this is a short term thing - just until it's warm again. Don't think though that I wouldn't pay an extra $60, if I could, to park in my office building, just so I didn't have to walk outside and cross the street. Yes folks, I am that lame.

Now I am going to ponder the grocery delivery service. This I am quite certain is not worth the money. But still.

Cracking up

I always like to look at the visitor paths to my blog - to see what people search for that land them here.

Someone in Serbia googled "I had to pee" and "getting desperate." And lo and behold - my blog was the first hit. HA HA HA. I wrote this post - called the "Upscale alternative to peeing in a gas station." This was the hit. Turns out my blog might have helped someone after all. You have to wonder though - why exactly were they having to search for the answer to that dilemma on the Internet? It seems pretty obvious to me.

Thirteen minutes

I am giving myself 13 minutes to write a post this morning - why - I don't know. I don't feel like working, but I should, but I don't feel like it. And I don't really have anything to say, but I am afraid if I really get going on a post, well, we could be here for a while, so, instead, I am giving myself 13 minutes, now 11, to write about nothing.

My life has returned to the status quo. Hard to believe right, after that near miss we had last week? My life has returned to the boring state that it usually is - so boring in fact that I can hardly keep myself awake most of the time. I sit here in my office trying to shock myself awake by making it really cold, or by drinking caffeine. Last night I left early (5:50 - which is really early lately), and felt like I could have fallen asleep on the drive (short drive) home. Then of course I exercised and had a hard time falling asleep. 9 minutes.

I've been exercising lately - in a desperate attempt to elevate my mood. I've exercised 7 out of the past 11 days. That's pretty good I think. It's hard to say if it's working, or if my current state of status quo is due to the rather cyclical nature of my mood. I just don't know. I do think though that I might not be getting enough light - not that it is making me depressed, just tired. I think that's why I can't stay awake - lack of light. Is that possible? 7 minutes.

Everything really is fine at the moment. Work is good - slightly on the slowish side - and um, well, that's all I do really is work, so there isn't much to say since I don't really talk about it here. Last week it was all chaos and drama - a serious lack of serenity and sanity - and now here we are - la la la la as serene as can be. 5 minutes. Is this serenity or boredom? And anyway, how long will it last? I guess we can all find out - and then the next time I have a near break down like last week - we can look back and see how long it's been. Besides, maybe I am just fooling myself anyway. Is it weird that any time I think I am okay, or even happy, I think I must be lying to myself or tricking myself some how - because it just couldn't be true? 3 minutes.

I was thinking about the comment on my last post - and it really has prompted me to think about this event of telling my father why I don't drink. I realized from that comment that the only thing I thought about was how I didn't want him to react. I never thought about how I wanted him to react. Interesting. I'm glad I have an awareness of that now before I go into it. I honestly don't know what I really want from him. I'm not really expecting a high five - a woohoo, good job for getting off the path of destruction your mother was on. Although - it is true that not drinking is probably my greatest accomplishment. I know how stupid that sounds to the "normal" people reading this - but truly - not drinking is the only thing that has ever been difficult for me to do - more on that later as I approach my anniversary. Oh, and there will be more on the parking dilemma.

For now, I am out of time.

He has it rough

This is Emerson. I named him after Ralph Waldo. He likes to sleep here on the back of the chair cushion. I'm afraid there may be a permanent dent. He only drinks running water and he has to eat special food that costs $30 a bag (otherwise he throws up). He follows me around like he's a dog instead of a cat. He is persistent and gets whatever he wants. He's always at the door waiting for me - I hear him meowing as I walk down the hall. And when I walk in he takes about 5 steps and then flings himself over on his side for a tummy rub, every time, without fail. He looks so nice and cute here, but he always wakes me up in the morning by biting me if I don't get out of bed early enough - actually I should say by savagely attacking me. But he's cute and cuddly when he wants to be and loves all visitors. If you come over - he will follow you around and keep flopping on the floor in front of you until you pet his tummy. Oh yeah - he likes to be lint rolled and massaged with the electric back massager.

Even more reason to drive

Okay, so clearly I haven't made this okay for myself - this driving to work thing. But, here's the thing - it's "CTA dooms day" here in my city on Tuesday, and unless some sort of magic funding happens - rates are going up and routes are being cut. BOTH bus routes from my neighborhood are being cut. Can you believe that? How is everyone going to get to work? (Um, I'm going to drive). You might suggest that I walk two blocks the opposite direction and take the train - BUT no. You might also wonder why I don't purchase that $75 CTA card as per the comment on the previous post and take public transportation everywhere. Well, given that rates are going up and routes are being cut - I need to recalculate. But the truth is - I dismissed that idea before I even considered it because it is simply unrealistic for me (or rather, I am unwilling to do this).

I guess this really isn't about the weather at all - cause, well, I have a lot of coats. (Note that I walked to work today and I didn't enjoy it). This is really just a simple question of how much your time is worth. Mine is worth a lot apparently, at least $16 a day. It 's really pretty easy to rationalize actually (then why have you written so many posts about it?) - any time I spend commuting is a loss of my free time - not my work time. Because no matter what - I am going to work probably at least 2250 hours per year (that's in order to bill 2000). So - given that I leave the house by 7:30 a.m. every day, and don't get home on average until after 8 p.m. (whether I am at work or an AA meeting), it's important that I get there as quickly and as painlessly as possible. If I worked 9-5 - you can bet I would be taking public transportation. But all I want to do is get home by the end of the day or the end of a meeting and I am willing to pay a small fortunate to make it as easy as possible.

People frequently tell me that I should move farther away from my job - I should disconnect - separate myself - distance myself - and if I live farther away, it will be easier for me to do this. But why would I want to make getting there any more difficult? I actually think that the answer would be to move across the street from my job - I would love that. That would be the ideal - walk out of my house and into my office. I wouldn't even have to park and I wouldn't lose any time commuting. That is the best of both worlds. I seriously would love that.

You know what I think this is really about - I think I worry what people will think of me for driving to work. I imagine people thinking - all you do is whine and complain on your blog about how unhappy you are and how miserable you feel - but if you can afford to pay $320 per month to drive your car maybe two miles to work and park it, just for convenience - how bad can your life possibly be? Maybe you shouldn't complain so much. Well, I don't think I've ever actually said my life is bad - in fact - I've said it's great. It's just that it isn't the way I thought I wanted it to be and therefore because it doesn't meet my expectations, I feel unhappy about it. Anyway, I could have avoided the problem of judgment altogether by never mentioning it here. People who read this blog don't need to know how much I spend to park my car and people who don't read this blog think I'm happy (which makes paying to park seem more acceptable or something?).

Back to the driving thing - so I feel judged I guess. I feel like people think bad things about me because I waste so much money on parking. (when the truth is, no one really cares). I guess some part of me feels guilty or something. I have guilt about money - I have no problem spending it on other people, but I feel bad when I spend money on myself - whether it's parking or buying myself stuff that I want.

In any event - the short story is - I'm going to drive to work (except in the most ideal weather conditions) and love every second of it!

My mother called yesterday by the way - you know - my mother - the one who I thought I no longer had a relationship with...that might be the next post...

Two dollars really is significant (and I am not the only one who thinks so)

So I have posted multiple times about the habit I got into of driving to work and how I conducted this very careful time and cost analysis aimed at making myself feel better about this activity. Mostly I was trying to justify spending $280 a month on parking when I live in a city with such great public transportation. Yes, that's right - $14 a day to park at my office when I already live downtown. Why do I think I have to justify this? It's a luxury I can afford and besides - my analysis yielded the following result: I only save $14-20 per week if I take public transportation (and that means driving one day a week - cause let's be realistic people). Saving $56-80 dollars a month wasn't worth the time it would take me to take the bus/walk to work in the morning. There is a catch though to the $14 a day thing - you have to be in the office parking garage by 8 a.m. - otherwise it costs you $21 - in which case the time/cost calculation changes. I frankly think $14 a day is really reasonable.

It all started last year, at exactly this time, when I was doing radiation treatment and had to go to the hospital every day for 7 weeks, what a pain. It made sense to drive. Then it continued through the winter, cause, well, it was winter. Then it continued into the spring, cause, uh, well, it rains in the spring. Then I felt guilty so I did some calculations and realized that by the time I drive one day, take the train to a meeting a couple of days a week, take a cab home from two meetings, and take a cab one other day when I work late - well, I don't save that much money. Plus, I really like the convenience of the car - I like to be able to leave and know that I can be home in less than 10 minutes - that I can drive to a meeting, or stop at the store. I just like it. I did feel bad about not getting any exercise though and I do really love to walk. It takes me about 30 minutes or a little longer to walk to or from work.

Turns out I like to drive when: it's snowing, raining, might rain, is extremely windy, excessively humid, if I am going to a meeting anywhere north of Division street after work, if I think I may be stuck there really late, am running late and have an obnoxiously early conference call, if I don't have the right shoes already in my office, or I am extremely busy. You might wonder whether that doesn't cover literally every day of my life. It doesn't though - I did walk quite a bit for about 3 weeks - but then I got busy, it rained, the wind was blowing and well, I've been driving again lately. So here we are - trying again to prove to myself that I might as well drive because I don't save that much money if I don't.

Much to my shock and horror when I pulled out of the parking garage two weeks ago - the rate had gone up to $16 a day. That's $16 if you are in by 8 a.m. Shocking I know. $280 a month to park seems reasonable. $320 however does not. That's almost 4K people. Suddenly we are talking about a savings of $24 -30 per week or $96-120 a month. What would I do with that money - it's not like I would save it. I would just buy clothes. That amount does seems a little more significant though. That might make me re-think my desire to drive on days when it might rain, and um, well, on days when it might rain. When I look at it on a daily basis - I think $6 - I save 6 by taking the bus/walking part way to work and taking a cab home. But that's still only $120 a month and some days it isn't even a savings of $6.00 - it's more like $4.00. For an extra $120 a month - doesn't it just seem worth it to drive?

I am being completely seriously actually about the rate increase. $14 was reasonable. $16 is not. I might need a new strategy. But who am I kidding anyway (I wonder how high it would have to go for me to actually stop driving) - there is no way in hell I am going outside in order to get to work all winter when for just $16 per day I can go from inside my condo to inside my office without ever setting foot outside. I mean - who wouldn't do that who could afford the luxury right? I might now have to bite the bullet and do monthly parking - which I swore I would never do. I just kept telling myself that I would maintain a balance where it would always be slightly cheaper not to do monthly parking. Plus - that always gave me a reason to walk - I wouldn't be wasting my monthly parking fee while walking - I would actually be "saving" money. They have probably jacked the monthly rate up also.

Anyway - I got in the elevator and a colleague said to me - did you notice they raised the parking rate? I said yeah - it's ridiculous isn't it? She said yeah - for $14 I'll do it, but for $16, forget it. I'm glad I am not the only one who feels that way. (Except she stopped driving, and I am still trying to make myself feel okay about the fact that I am going to do this every day until at least March).

So - who here wants to see if I can make it through another winter without turning my heat on even once? No - this isn't a matter of I would rather park than have heat (cause yes, I can afford both) - it's just that for some reason, I don't need to turn the heat on in the winter - it just stays 68-72 degrees no matter how cold it gets outside. The good news is that my gas bill never goes above $12 per month - in fact last month it was $3.96. Which can only mean one thing - that I am only eating microwavable food.

There are at least two ways to look at everything (and my higher power is laughing at me)

At least - there may even be three or four or five ways to look at the same situation.

I could be mad right now. Okay, I am mad right now. But I could have completely lost my mind and instead I am kind of sitting here laughing - laughing while mad and eating ice cream. A lot of ice cream. And I have to say - this is progress. It is - because a year ago - I would have lost my mind. I literally would have lost my mind. Two years ago - I'd be in the bar right now telling myself that I deserve a drink, or 2 or 7 - you know, because my life is so hard and shitty things happen to me.

My night - tonight, it was supposed to end in bubble bath and relaxing. Instead, my almost brand new fucking car, fucking died, while I was fucking driving down Halsted. An hour and a half and $220 dollars later, I am sitting at my house, seriously, laughing almost hysterically, while my car sits at the towing company waiting to be towed to the dealer. The towing guy probably ripped me off - I don't know how the hell much it is supposed to cost to tow a car in Chicago. But I had to pay to tow it twice because my dealer doesn't have night time drop off. Whatever.

Okay, as an initial matter - I will never drive a Volkswagen again, I will probably never drive an Audi or a Mercedes - cause I hate VW - and I make sure that every one I know, knows this. I make sure - I tell everyone. I tell everyone how horrible they have been to me. I have cursed these people out on multiple occasions - the dealer in Michigan, the dealer in Chicago, the company, their customer service people. I drive a brand new car - how many times has it broken? 10 at least. Thank God this is a lease and I get to give this piece of shit back. I've even threatened them under Michigan lemon law - I threatened them to the point where the customer service person told me he was no longer permitted to talk to me. I wrote them a letter - telling them I want a new fucking car and faxed it to the head of the company in Michigan. I have talked to just about everyone I can there - until finally some asshole told me there simply wasn't anyone else for me to talk to - he actually tried to tell me that there isn't anyone who handles these matters. There isn't anyone there who handles car defects and replacements? You don't have a designated person to talk to the crazy people who call threatening to sue you? Yeah fucking right asshole. Now I am on a mission and I'm pissed and I will make sure to make some one's life a living hell there until they replace my fucking car. No one here handles these matters my ass. We'll see about that, as I sue them under the lemon law. Watch me you mother fuckers. (Okay - so you all are getting a taste of how I really am, ha ha). Now you know why my "ex-husband" went away quietly when he asked me for money upon me telling him to get out...I said I dare you to fuck with me and promptly produced a spreadsheet of all the money he owed me.

Some might say that's not sober behavior - threatening the car company with lawsuits etc., but I don't care because now I'm mad and frankly, the way I see it - they do in fact owe me something. This is bullshit. IT'S A NEW FUCKING CAR. I have had more trouble with this car, than any piece of shit junker car I've ever driven. Now I am not just a little mad, I'm so mad that I'm not going to be able to sleep. What would my sponsor say - you are only harming yourself by being this angry - no one at the car company even knows (nor do they care frankly). Yeah well, you just wait. You just wait.

There are two ways to look at this though. I could be really mad, pissed about the $220 dollars that I didn't feel like throwing away, the inconvenience of not having a car to drive tomorrow or Monday (God forbid, right?), the annoyance of having to deal with it, and the inability to sleep.

Or, I could instead be grateful that when my car decided to die this evening, I was on Halsted, at a light - with relatively little traffic around me and no one behind me, in a well lit area with lots of people around. And that my car didn't die, while driving 80 down the expressway with traffic whizzing by me on all sides with no where to pull over - causing an accident - wrecking my car and injuring someone, possibly myself. And that I knew what to do - I called someone that I knew would answer, and she got me the number of a towing company, she even offered to go way out of her way to pick me up for the meeting in the morning we had planned to go to, the towing guy came 20 minutes later, meanwhile I talked to my sponsor while I waited and now here I am. See how that all worked out.

The reason God is laughing at me is this - this morning I was at the bank - I was moving money around so that I can pay a student loan off on Monday. The banking guy was talking to me about investing and we were talking about amounts - he said, well you could think about how much money you like to have on hand in case of emergency - you know in case your car breaks down or something like that. These are the words that came out of my mouth - oh, yeah, no, I drive a brand new car, I'm not worried about that, nothing will happen. How many times did I say this car has broken? 12 hours later, here we are. This is why I am sitting here laughing. Because it is just so fucking ironic.

You know what it is making me think - God is paying more attention than I thought. Maybe he or she is just bored up there and needed a laugh, you know, because I haven't done anything particularly stupid lately. In any event, I'm going to bite my tongue next time. People always say if you pray for patience - patience isn't what you get, you get presented with an opportunity to practice patience. I can't for the life of me figure out what the lesson is in this - what is my higher power trying to tell me here with such an irony?

It's like pre-cleaning for the cleaning person

So I just finished a little pre-pedicure foot scrub. I know, this is ridiculous - but the past two pedicures have left me unimpressed. My feet were still kind of dried out and gross and, well, yeah, even though I am paying 45 dollars to have my feet done - I would never say, hey, do you think you could scrub them a little better? I just would never do that. So, I've taken to doing a little pre-cleaning for the cleaning person so to speak.

I think this phenomenon is so ridiculous. I mean - everyone tells me they have to pre-clean for the cleaning person. What the heck is the point then? I did contemplate getting a cleaning lady - cause one slipped her card under my door - during those weeks of laziness that I experienced, I do hate to do the wood floors - but I wouldn't want to have to pre-clean. Plus, these days, cleaning is my form of exercise since I can't seem to stop driving to work. If I had a cleaning person, I wouldn't pre-clean. I would also plant things around the house and set up traps to test whether they were actually doing what I was paying them to do. Better not to go there.

Anyway, this week was good work wise, middle of the road emotions wise, and down-right bad as far as what goes on in my head. Glad it's almost over. I just need to hold out until Thursday. I called my doctor and asked to move my mammogram up by a week (so it's next Thursday) and then next weekend I get to go see my nephew for a few days. I can't wait. I now have two bags of clothes for him. I really want to buy him a Halloween costume. It's been all I can do to resist. I don't know how my brother and sister-in-law feel about this. I'm not sure whether it would be okay with them to parade their child around dressed up like a skunk or a monkey (the cutest ones I've found) when he is too little to even get what is going on. Not to mention, their German neighbors might wonder what those crazy Americans are doing with their child. I don't know if they celebrate Halloween in Germany. Anyway, I might not be able to resist. I might just have to buy one and hope that my sister-in-law will humor me. Seriously, my nephew would make such a cute monkey or skunk!!

Later-day blogging

I forgot to mention earlier that Saturday is pedicure day. I love pedicure day.

Who here thinks it is unreasonable for a client to email me at 9 p.m. asking for a 9:30 a.m. conference call? I do. Who says I was even going to be there at 9:30 a.m. I had planned to not set my alarm, try to sleep in, take my time getting up, wander into work late whenever I feel like it, do nothing until 11:30, when I leave early for my lunch, return late, 1:30 or so, and start actual work at about 2 p.m.

Now granted it is my fault for checking email and forwarding it to the partner (who the client failed to copy so he never would have known) tonight which means I can't play dumb. I probably should have waited until the a.m. to forward the email - that way I could have claimed ignorance when I show up at 9:45. Frankly, I think the partner will agree with me, that we are not doing this call on a whim tomorrow morning, but just in case, I probably have to get there. Then again, nah. I am sticking to my original plan of moseying on in when I feel like it. The thing is - did the client really think I was going to set this up tonight? That's what I get for checking email - I like to know if I am in for anything in the morning, so I check it before I go to bed. And I check if first thing when I get up, cause I just have to know what came in during the night (I do mostly international work so I get a lot of stuff from other offices while I sleep).

What does all of this mean? It's time to 12 step the crackberry again. We admitted we were powerless over email, and that our lives had become unmanageable. What did people do before the Internet anyway?

Observations on going "home" and coming back again, and what occurred to me in between

I've never done a bullet pointed post.

• First of all, I need to stop buying yogurt. I don't like it and I never have, so why do I keep trying?
• My favorite way to drive back into the city is north on Lake Shore Drive off of Stoney Island Ave. On a day like yesterday, when the sky is clear, and the weather beautiful - I love the skyline - that moment when it first comes into view. It's really amazing. The city up ahead of you, the lake on the right. I would probably like it even more if I didn't have to pee so bad by the time I got there, which brings me to my next point...
  
• There must be a way to better time my liquid consumption with the rest stops. Perhaps the 20 oz. pop at the last pee stop was not a good idea, considering I had already had two bottles of water.
• I need to stop calling people assholes in my head. Anytime anyone does something - for example, moves my cart out of the way at the grocery store (when I left it right in the way), I call them an asshole in my head. Or if they do something stupid while driving that affects me, I call them an asshole in my head. My new remedy for this is that I am going to try to remember to bless everyone that I call an asshole. You are an asshole - God bless you.
• I still don't want Alcoholics Anonymous to be the answer. But it is.
• Going home (like all things) is what you make it. Be wary of your expectations, both the good and the bad ones. "The outer world, far from being the prison of circumstances that it is commonly supposed to be, has actually no character whatsoever of its own, either good or bad. It has only the character that we give to it by our own thinking." - Emmet Fox
• White cheddar cheese rice cakes really aren't half bad, but I fail to see the point of them. They have no nutritional value and it is what I imagine eating flavored styrofoam would be like. Yes, I did imagine this - the texture, the taste. I am also the one who once tasted a dryer sheet, just to see what my cat's compulsion was all about. Dryer sheets are like kitty crack to my cat. I frankly didn't like them. The rice cake could be used as a delivery mechanism for peanut butter though - a plain one anyway. But why would you ever use a rice cake to deliver the peanut butter when you could use chocolate?
• My job is as stressful as I allow it to be.
• I would be a "shoe person" if my feet were smaller.
• Zucchini is not a vegetable I typically think of eating raw. It tastes like nothing.
• You might not think so, but you are as judgmental as the person you are judging for being judgmental. There will be a post on this later.
• Why is it that when you leave for 4 days your house kind of smells when you come home, but when you live in your house over the course of 4 days, it doesn't? Does my house smell and I am just used to it? Or is there something really foul going on in my garbage disposal when I'm not running water regularly?
• You might think I am a freak because I still worry about money, but everything really is relative.
• When I go to Ann Arbor, I realize I miss it. But I miss Chicago more.
• My sponsor just might be the coolest person I know.
• There really is something to be said for $25 hairspray.
• I still haven't fully grasped that the answer to most of my problems is to stop participating.
• I don't understand why people eat faux meat products. If you are a vegetarian, it is probably because you either don't like meat or don't agree with eating it - either way, why would you ever want to ingest something that resembles the very thing you don't eat? Soy beans and other stuff ground up and mushed into some kind of little chicken wing resembling thing. Frankly, if you don't eat meat to be healthy, well, I would argue for moderation instead. I have no problem with tofu - but if I am going to eat tofu, I want to eat tofu as tofu, not tofu masquerading as something else. I admit, I will eat the occasional veggie burger, for the sake of a really good veggie burger, but not as a meat substitute. I tried to eat faux sausages the other day (cause I love any kind of sausage - lately my fave has been tomato basil chicken sausage), I won't tell you what these things look like frozen. I'd rather eat no sausage, ever, than faux sausage.
• It is ridiculous that I am still driving to work, but I have no intention of stopping.
• I do complain, a lot.
• I could be happier. I could be less happy.
• Tomorrow I will have been sober for 20 months! When I went home this past weekend I realized just how few faces I recognized at meetings. Where have all the people gone? I remember being at a meeting really early on and someone saying - take a look around, only one of you at this table will ever have long term continuous sobriety. I want to be that one person.
• I bet you are all wondering about the time I ate a dryer sheet.

I'm not buying it

So, I attempted to log into one of my credit cards online today to check the balance, and to my astonishment, my online access has been suspended - due to recent suspicious activity, the details of which cannot be disclosed due to a law enforcement investigation. What does this mean? This means that the company has had to take action, based upon a data security breach, and law enforcement has probably asked that they delay notification to affected individuals, so they can't notify, but they also have to take action so there is no further compromise of data. Naturally, like everyone else, I called.

Do these people think we are stupid? I've been through this before. My data has been stolen before and I have had credit protection ever since. (Oh, and I practice data privacy law, sadly, I am intimately familiar with these state laws, though this really isn't what I do regularly). I knew this was not an isolated incident because I had to wait forever, that means everyone is calling. Then, the woman on the phone tries to tell me that this is related to the "brand" conversion because a new entity has acquired the card company. Right. Cards are being issued in the new entity name, and new account numbers are being assigned in the process. Hmm. When Cingular became AT&T, a new account number was not required. When MBNA became Bank of America, a new account number was not required.

Then she tries to tell me that nothing is wrong with my account. Right, but that doesn't mean that my personal data hasn't been compromised, again. Then she asks if I am familiar with the TJ Maxx story, yes, and DSW and several others that I am prohibited from talking about due to the confidential nature of my involvement in the handling of the matter. And, what about TJ Maxx? How does this impact me? Well she says, they are giving everyone a new account number and having everyone re-activate their online account services in order to protect them from something like the TJ Maxx incident happening in the future. Right - and how is giving me a new account number going to protect me exactly - UNLESS MY DATA WAS STOLEN YOU MORON AND YOU ARE NOT TELLING ME. I mean, go ahead, give me a new account number, but this isn't going to protect you from losing it again. I AM NOT STUPID LADY.

So I said look, I want to know, what data was stolen, I want to know when, how and when can I sign up for the free credit protection that you are going to provide me? Oh yeah, and if something shows up on my credit report, in the meantime - what are you going to do to fix it?

Ma'am she says, this is part of a brand conversion. When was the last time a "brand conversion" had anything to do with a law enforcement investigation? Ma'am she says, all of our customers' online services have been suspended and everyone is being issued a new account number and card. Right, and a brand conversion is something that gets planned, gee, I don't know, with enough time to inform people that their account access will be terminated and a new account number provided. Ma'am, nothing is wrong with your account. I'm not worried about my account, I want to know who got my data? Was it encrypted? Ma'am. This must be one very big data breach you are experiencing if you have had to suddenly, and without warning terminate all online account activity and provide new account numbers. Ma'am, we are undergoing a brand conversion. Whatever lady. You better hope this is a brand conversion cause if it isn't, and I find out later that my data was stolen and you blatantly lied to me, I am going to be really fucking pissed and you are going to be sorry. (Okay, I didn't really say that part - but those of you who know me can imagine me having this phone conversation - I am quite good at it actually). The last time this happened, I actually told the poor guy off so good that I wished I could directly call him to apologize. It wasn't his fault. But I am sorry - waiting an entire month to notify of a security breach is just too long.

Then she says ma'am, do you have your credit card? Uh, yeah, it's right here in my wallet. What the hell does that have to do with anything?

You just wait, we are going to find out shortly here that AT&T UniversalCard, now Citibank, lost tens of thousands of peoples' personal data. I certainly hope not, but I won't be surprised.

She did also try to convince me that they are doing this during the brand conversion because "some" peoples' data was compromised through the TJ Maxx incident. Right, and how many months ago did that happen? I'm just not buying this.

Just how stupid am I?

I better keep my day job. I flunked 4th grade world geography (did we learn world geography, ever?) and 5th grade health. I don't remember 5th grade health. I remember 6th grade health because they made us carry around those egg babies for two weeks, as if this was supposed to convince us not to have sex and accidentally get pregnant. I remember 10th grade health - Health and Human Behavior it was called. Two weeks of which was devoted to drivers ed. So - what part do you think I remember? Drivers ed., oh and my teacher putting a condom on a banana. You would think that for something as important as operating a piece of machinery that can kill other people and you, a little more time would be devoted to it. Hopefully this has changed in the past 15 years. Personally, I now also think that more time should be devoted to substance abuse and drunk driving. Just a thought.

Anyway, I should note that the 5th grade health question was the final, and 1 million dollar question. Only 2 5th graders got it right and the contestant choose not to play when he heard the topic. The host says that no one has ever made it to the final question and answered it right - so, I am not the only stupid one. Frankly, if I were 11, maybe I would remember this stuff - but now, almost 20 years later, I think it is safe to say that I have forgotten about 80% of everything I ever learned pre-law school. So the question was - how many bicuspids does the average adult mouth have? I honestly doubt we even would have learned this in health class. So - unfortunately, now I am going to have to watch this show again and see if I fair any better.

On a different note - since when do we conduct presidential debates via U-tube? I mean, come on people. Maybe they could figure out a way to have us vote for the next president via text message or a toll-free number - and then maybe more people would show up and vote in an election that actually matters in this country. Then again - you might just have a whole lot of stupid people voting. Oh wait, that's what happened the last time anyway.

Are you stupider than a 5th grader?

Apparently I am. I've never watched this show - Are You Smarter Than 5th Grader? My t.v. watching has really been declining in quality here. Can you tell? Dawson's Creek re-runs, this, America's Got Talent... I was rather pleased to leave work early tonight - 6:30, so that I could come home and eat dinner in my pajamas, but I am disappointed in the t.v. choices. Luckily - I have work to do yet. Ha ha.

Anyway, sadly, I got the 1st grade vocabulary question wrong (though I am so far good on 4th grade science, 2nd grade geography, among others). Don't hire me as your lawyer - apparently I don't know my words. Frankly though - this guy on the show is a complete fool. He doesn't know that an Alaskan malamute is not a fish. Give me a break. I hope he is feigning stupidity so that this 5th grader can feel smart. Not that I can talk - although I'm not sure that a 1st grader would know their boat parts. Most adults don't know their boat parts.

Also - I ruined one of my favorite pans today - now my whole house smells burnt. It was really an exercise in stupidity...because I was watching this damn program! Oh well - more later...

An 8.5 on the laziness scale

Today, as I was stuck on the red line subway train on my way to the car dealer to pick up my car, smashed between people at 5:45, getting stepped on and bumped into, people yelling at each other to get out of the way - touching the gross pole that God knows how many people have touched - I suddenly had a deep appreciation for why I live in the city, not north of the city - and why I drive to work instead taking some other mode of transportation (which costs $280 a month to park at my office). I'm really not cut out for commuting. I can't stand being stuck on public transport with unhappy commuters. For $2.00 each way I can walk two blocks, ride a bus and get dropped off at my office 20 minutes later. For only $10 dollars more a day, I can leave my parking garage at home, get on lower Wacker drive, go under the city and arrive in my work parking garage 10 minutes later. The bonus - I never have to set foot outside - which was key in the winter.

While most people tell me that I should live farther away from work so as to create some distance between me and my job - I fantasize about living as close as is possible - like across the street (except that my firm is moving in 5 years so it isn't a good long term plan). Cause the thing is - when your whole life revolves around the billable hour and you count all of your time in 6 minute increments - all with the goal of adding up to 126,000 minutes by year end, commute time can only mean one thing - a loss of free time. By living down town and driving to work - or living across the street if it were possible - I am saving my free time. Imagine if I were commuting 45 minutes each way to work (and it can take this long depending on where in the city you live)? I would be losing an hour and a half of my valuable and almost non-existent free time.

I just may have to break down and pay for monthly parking at work - that would lower the rate. The thing is - I keep telling myself that I'm maintaining a balance between driving to work and walking to work (or yes, taking the bus, once in a great while), that I am still spending less money by not paying for monthly parking. The way I see it, if I really look at the numbers, I spend $70 a week if I drive every day. If I only drive sometimes, I spend $56 by the time I take buses to work, trains to meetings, and cabs home, plus one cab home from work on average a week. For a mere $14.00 more, I eliminate all hassle. Again, in the winter - I don't even have to set foot outside. Plus, I think if I just break down and pay monthly parking, and have it deducted pre-tax through Wage Works, it might even be cheaper than $56 a week. I am probably wasting money actually by refusing to break down and admit that I am so lazy that I am no longer an average commuter because I pay for monthly parking. Does anyone think I've over analyzed this? On Monday, I'm going to have my secretary figure out how to work this parking thing out so it's pre-tax etc. Now that I have realized it might be a money saving step - I think I'm willing to take it.

On a related note - I was considering whether it might be a good idea to try PeaPod, the grocery delivery service. I can see why people do this who don't have cars - if I didn't have a car, I would definitely do this. You just go online and place your order and if it's $100 or more, they deliver it for only $7.00, bring it all up in the house etc. It is annoying to go to the grocery store - mainly because it is such a pain to get all the groceries up into my condo. I don't have a guy to do it for me. A lot of people simply go to the store every day on their way home. I hate the grocery store, so I go once every two weeks. It might be nice not to go at all. Although I am pretty picky about my bananas, they have to be just the right amount of green. I'm not sure how it would work to have PeaPod picking my produce. Just a thought.

Also, today, a cleaning service slipped a card under my door. I used to love to clean - I guess I still do - but it used to be good stress relief and these days I don't feel like I have any stress to alleviate, so I haven't been cleaning as much. I used to clean my entire condo every weekend - the wood floors, everything. I've been on Lexapro for a month and I've cleaned, uh, once. In fact, there are dishes in the sink, an empty cereal box on the island, socks on the floor...what is happening to me? I thought well, maybe it would be nice not to have to do the wood floors - I hate doing the floors. I mean, if you can afford to pay someone else to pick out and deliver your food, clean your house, pick up your dry cleaning, run your errands...while you walk back and forth across the street to your office...(I wonder what other activities I could eliminate?)....I am starting to see why my sponsor has a personal assistant. And to think that only two months ago the thought of paying someone else to do my toe nails seemed silly! Now I just think of it as enjoying myself.