Home again

I am headed to Michigan today. It is with much trepidation that I am going. It's been two months since I was there, so it's about time for a visit, considering I won't otherwise be able to go until mid June. Going "home" always causes me great anxiety, for a number of reasons. So far it is minimal and stems mostly from the fact that I don't really feel like making the 4 hour drive. I think taking medication, even though it isn't anti-anxiety medication, is helping with my anxiety level. I didn't unplug anything before I left, in fact I didn't feel worried about much at all (in case you don't know, I unplug things before I go out of town, like lamps and such - it's OCD).

But then I feel the anxiety of feeling like I am intruding on my brother and his family's space. And then there is the anxiety of seeing my mother. I'm not sure I've gone there before. I think I've said very little here about that relationship - and I need to keep it that way just for now. And then there is the anxiety of going back to old meetings and seeing people. And the anxiety of trying to find time to see everyone. This time I have made minimal plans, a haircut, dinner and babysitting.

Some how I always return from Michigan messed up in some way. Usually it is depression, I have some kind of low, sometimes bad, sometimes not so bad. I don't think it's the depression of wishing I still lived there, because although I sometimes feel a kind of homesickness, I really don't want to move back there. At this point I think it would be bad for me probably. My primary reason for going is to see my brother's family and to play with my nephew. But I can't really imagine living there again. Although 3 years later, I can't say I feel all that at home here in Chicago either.

It's been three years exactly that I've been at my current job. Three years that have flown by in which I was diagnosed and survived cancer, among other things. Despite the time that I took off and all of the things that I did for myself during that time, I am still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that it happened at all. And if I allow myself to think about it for even a split second, tears come to my eyes. So I maintain an emotional distance from what happened in a way that most people can't really understand.

You would think after three years I would feel at home here. You would think I would feel comfortable at AA meetings and that I would have friends here. But I don't really, not close ones. And I don't feel comfortable sharing at meetings. I know, the reason is not a good one, it is because I am worried about what people will think, but still, it is preventing me from getting out the things I need to get out. I haven't been posting much either.

Anyway, I am running out the door - no time to proof read. I'll catch you when I get there.