People in AA always say that expectations breed resentment, or some other way of saying the same thing. And that's true. They definitely do. My expectations of other people are usually where I run into trouble. I am playing a game with everyone, and nobody can win, because no one knows the rules. I don't tell people what I want or need, but I definitely have expectations. And when they aren't met, I find myself feeling really hurt. Not angry or anything. Just hurt. Like my feelings are hurt when people don't meet my expectations. But like I said, it's a game you can't win, no matter what you do. And it's really not fair to you.
Expectations can also lead to major disappointment. For me I guess that hurt feeling of disappointment is coupled with the feeling of the person not caring about me. I have to keep my expectations in check, otherwise I get hurt even if the person isn't trying to hurt me. Sometimes I feel hurt anyway, even when I know it's me and it's not them.
I booked my spa trip. I haven't exactly completely settled on the dates, but I booked a block of days surrounding the time I need to be there. I say need because there is a particular "experience" that I am going there for and it is only offered once every three months on specific days. I thought I wouldn't have any expectations about this trip. I had hoped not to have any because it seemed like that was the way that I got the most out of it the first time. I had no idea what to expect and it was eye opening in ways I couldn't have imagined. I learned so much about myself even if I haven't been able to make all the changes that I vowed to make when I left.
Anyway, I am starting to have these expectations that this experience that I am going to the spa for is going to change me. That I am going to go and come back someone else. That I am going to simply wake up different. Expectations aside, honestly, that is really what I am hoping for. Is it possible though? I don't know. Is it possible to become someone else in three days? People have told me that this experience is life altering. I don't doubt that it is for some people, but will that be my experience? I feel like if it isn't, I am going to be really disappointed. I might be setting myself up for disappointment and failure, but there are things in my life that really need to change. Things that I need to be different. There are ways that I need to change as a person. Things that I need to get over, old things. I have tried things to "fix it." I have tried moving. I have tried different jobs. I have tried AA. I have tried praying to a higher power, I have tried medications. I have tried therapists, 4 different times I think (4 different therapists). I have even tried pretending.
I am out of ideas. I am pinning my hopes on this.
1 comment:
The last big paragraph could have been written by me.
In my own life, there are so many things that I've never been able to get over, so many things that need to change. Peace, for me, is giving up.
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