In 3 days, and for 600 dollars

There are all these little sayings in AA.  "Fake it 'til you make it."  I hate that one.  Fake what exactly?  Isn't pretending how we got here in the first place?  And if you can fake it, then why can't you do it?  Anyway, one of the steps talks about restraint of pen and tongue.  Acting, not reacting.  I can't remember which step - bad me - I haven't read the Big Book in a while.  Anyway, someone said to me, that sometimes the hardest thing to do, is to just do nothing.  That's been in my head since I heard it.  And it's true I think.  The hardest thing to do is nothing when you want to do everything.  Anyway, I am off track in think.

I've been thinking about the comment on my last post and the guy at the spa.  The guy who is going to, in three days, and for 600 dollars, change my life (yes, I have al my eggs in this one basket).

I got to spend a little time with him the last time I was at the spa last June.  And ever since then I have felt this pull to go back there and be a part of the "experience" that he offers 4 times a year.  I feel drawn to doing this.  I have ever since I met him.  I have known for the past year that this is something that I have to do.  I have to do it.  I didn't want to wait this long but I couldn't work it out work wise to go any sooner.

Anyway, I remember talking to him about where our behavior comes from, why we do what we do.  And it's obvious right.  And while we were talking about how our actions are often not even based in reality because what we think and what we feel isn't always real, we talked also about how we try and then we try harder.  And we keep trying the same thing and getting the same result.  Which is another AA thing.  He is sober also, has been for like 30 years or something.  So I get what he is talking about in a different way I think.  So we talk in AA about trying the same thing and getting the same result.  The answer of course, is that if you try something, and it doesn't work, then you something else.  Duh, right.  Not for most people.  Most people just keep trying.

 So all of this time that I have been trying and trying and trying, I am starting to think I have been doing the wrong thing all along and that the answer might be to not try at all, but to simply give up.