How it works

I realize I haven't posted in a while but I honestly don't have anything to say.  I went to an AA meeting tonight for the first time in a long time.  I wish I could say that I don't go very often.  But when does not going very often turn into not going at all?  It's probably more accurate to say I stopped going to meetings.  Of course I am full of rationalizations and justifications for why this idea is ok, but any alcoholic would be able to justify the hell out of it.  I also haven't had a sponsor in nearly two years, but the reason for that is that I don't need someone in my face right now telling me to go to meetings.  I have to be realistic and I can't go during the week because of my job.  I have no excuse for not going on the weekend.  It's simply that I would rather hole up in my condo and talk to my friends on instant message while I lay on my couch and watch weird tv.  I've been doing this for quite some time.  It's like a fake form of interaction with people.  It feels real.  The people are real.  You almost forget that you are isolated from the real world.  I wonder sometimes if all of this social networking online etc. is changing our culture.  In fact I am sure it is.

So the last meeting I went to I guess was in Michigan.  That was in the summer.  I still don't feel at home here at a meeting even though it's been 4.5 years that  I have lived here.  Which is basically the reason I have stopped going.  I don't feel terrible for not going but I think that's just something you get used to.  Maybe you get worse and worse in your head but you don't realize it.  It just becomes normal and you end up thinking, yeah, I don't need to go to meetings, but I'm no worse off for it.  But am I?  And if I am, how the hell would I know?

Anyway, I went to a meeting.  It's been a long time since I have associated with people like me, whose brain works like mine, who understand the crazy in my head.  That was comforting.  The meeting was so so, decent lead.  People often say they hear exactly what they need to hear.  I don't think I heard anything in particular that spoke to me.  But if nothing else, I always leave a meeting more grateful than when I arrived, no matter what the topic is.

More than anything it was good to hear "How it Works,"  I like to listen to that be read from the Big Book.  I miss hearing it.  I like the ending.  It doesn't say that God might remove your alcoholISM, it says that God could AND would IF  he were sought.