Pardon my French. It's been too long since I've written. So of course, I choose right now to write, the worst possible time - busy at work. I can tell it has been too long because when I don't post for a while, people stop checking. When I post, they check. Funny how that works. I haven't posted because I've been too busy. Too busy at work and too busy to think about what to write about. Not to mention - not sure whether to write about what is really going on. I mean, I don't want to freak anyone out - I have enough to deal with and last thing I need is to freak anyone out. The truth though, is that I am not doing very well and haven't been for a while. Let's just say that I would be lying if I said that I haven't recently thought about what it would be like for this to all be over. You can take that however you want, but please don't call me freaking out.
Anyway, I can't seem to figure out why I have suffered so much and so much of the pain that I feel is a longing for the suffering to be over. I feel the need for the end of so many things to come in a desperate kind of way. There is no answer to the question why. This pain, that people so affectionately call "another fucking growth opportunity," feels bad enough to kill me. I know some of you AAers can relate to that. It feels intolerable, it feels permanent and it feels unfair - which is the grossest understatement I have ever heard. I had a shitty childhood, again, an understatement. I've had nothing but bad and unhealthy relationships, to put it mildly. I've been nothing but miserable my entire life. I have struggled to say the least and much of the reason I have gotten as far as I have is reliance on self will and my tremendous strength in an effort to prove that I am worth something.
Just at the moment when I finally thought I had found happiness, or the potential for happiness in my life, my entire life was shattered by breast cancer. The pieces that are left don't fit together and don't resemble anything like a life that I think I can find happiness in. I just can't put the pieces together in a way that looks even tolerable to me. Just as I approach the end of the treatment process, my relationship is falling apart. I said to a friend that I don't understand why. To her it is simple, there is something I am not getting. Growing up with an alcoholic parent in hell, raising myself basically, working my ass off to get where I am in my career and all on my own, being an adult child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic, being sober, surviving breast cancer - as my relationship is about to crumble and I face the greatest lesson in patience that there could ever be for me, she tells me it is just "another fucking growth opportunity."
Clearly, I have missed the point of something. So I get to try again, through the end of my relationship, to learn what was apparently lost on me by surviving breast cancer or getting sober or any of the other things I have been through. I resist reliance on my higher power and my higher power has really been in my face a lot the past few days. Blatantly and obviously trying to tell me something. People keep asking me whether I believe in miracles. Of course I do. Maybe the point is simply to have faith. Have faith, trust God. I have heard that when you have faith and trust God, you don't get what you want, but what you do get is even better than you could have imagined. But you have to have faith. Is it really all so simple? I don't know.
My higher power, I think, is trying to tell me that is that simple. Have faith, trust God, have faith, trust God. I've been walking around saying this all day. One thing I do know, is that you have to do something different to get a different result. And have I tried this? Have I really tried to have faith and trust God - when God is so clearly right in front of me - have I tried to give it away? Have I tried to hand it to him, the control, the pain, any of it? He's trying to take it out of my hands and I don't even have very far to reach. But how much pain does it take to give it up? Enough to kill me?
In the intervening moments, those moments when my mind wanders away from what I am doing at work, to thoughts of how much pain I am in, both physically and emotionally, to worries about my fertility never coming back, stress about money, anger and resentment, the end of yet another relationship, the impact of my childhood, the desperation that I am trying not to give into, I am directing myself instead towards God - at least for today, or the next two days. I will remember, in every moment possible, to have faith and trust God.
2 comments:
And remember to read the title of your post. Over and over again. I see such a bright future for you. I realize you don't see it, but you have had to deal with some of the most difficult things possible in the last couple of years and you had to do it with instinct and survival skills. Not all the good skills most people learn from their parents. No wonder you are exhausted and emotionally at a crossroads. You deserve every happiness, and I know you will find it. I feels unbearable, but it is temporary. Give yourself some love and credit, you are an amazing person. Trust. Have faith. Read the title of this POST!! See you Saturday, when we hang out with Ray. Love, Claire
I meant the title of your whole Blog...not this post..
This too shall pass.
Here is another that I try to remember when I try to control my out of control circumstances or just generally act like a freak:
"Not my will but Thine"
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