I used to think that my higher power resided only in Ann Arbor, where I got sober, amongst all of the people that I got sober around. My higher power shows up for me regularly when I am there - I have those "God moments" that I wrote about before - all the time. My higher power constantly reminds me of his or her presence when I am there. That hasn't been my experience since I have lived in Chicago. Very rarely do I feel God in my life - but then again, praying hasn't exactly been easy since I got here given the circumstances. It's hard to see sometimes how God is going to get me out of this. Lately I have been doubting the presence of my higher power completely.
Every once in a while I get desperate enough to ask for help. These are the most amazing types of "God moments," when you ask for help and you receive it very immediately and very obviously. It restores your faith completely. So last month, I wrote about being in Ann Arbor and really needing to run into this woman who was a cancer survivor. When I met her she had been sober about a month and I had just been diagnosed with cancer. There isn't even a way to describe how much she helped me in a single conversation. Of course I never got her name or phone number. When I was in Ann Arbor a month ago I was feeling very strongly that I just couldn't get through the last part of the cancer treatment. I needed to talk to this woman but I didn't know how to find her. She had the strength that I thought I was lacking. Well, I found her, at a meeting, just as I sat there and thought about how much I needed to borrow her strength, she walked in. That time we exchanged names and phone numbers. Even though I haven't called her, it is a relief to know I can talk to her any time I need to.
Anyway, today I had a perfect moment of - ask God for help and you will be given it - in such a way that it almost makes you say - now I will trust that my higher power will come through for me. Now I have faith. Now I'll let go and believe that if I hand this over, it will be okay. Lately I spend hours a day crying. So it was no surprise that today, while at the hospital, lying on the table as they lined up my body to do the daily radiation treatment, I started crying. I said please God help me. You have to help me. You have to do something cause I'm not going to make it. You just have to do something. You have to help me. As I came up off the elevator from the basement of the hospital, my cell phone signal kicked back in and it was ringing. It was her - the answer to my prayer, the woman who has given me the strenth to keep going.
No comments:
Post a Comment