Angels Everywhere (And Ann Saves Thanksgiving)

I just thought I would write a quick post to let those of you who were worried know that I did not spend thanksgiving alone eating frozen pizza. As much as I wanted to, I didn't. My friend Ann from AA took me and another person from the program to her parent's house. It was a case of giving in actually. An instance of okay, I'll do what I should do, instead of what I want to do. A lot of the time I know what I should do, and I just don't do it. So I went. Dinner was good, Ann's family was nice and it was nice to be with people instead of alone. In some ways though, it made me sad. It was sad not to be with the people I wanted to be with. It was sad to sit around and listen to other people's stories - to listen to other people laugh and to try to laugh with them, and to wish that I had stories like their stories.

My brother and I laugh about things sometimes, but like I have said, I think sometimes I laugh when I really want to cry, or when I really should cry. Laughing is easier. It hurts less I guess, to laugh about it. When I think of Thanksgiving I think of my aunt Ellie - and I miss her. I miss her and I miss aunt Vi. I miss "my turn" playing dominoes at Vi's house - where the food always tasted better. I wish I could go back there - to when I didn't know what I know now - but wishing that I knew differently. I might have had a little more appreciation. Some times you just have to wish that certain people know how you feel, because you never told them. Some times you hope they can hear you when you talk to God. Some times you hope that they are the ones listening because they know you and maybe they understand. You hope they feel what you feel. If I could have angels watching over me, I would choose aunt Ellie and aunt Vi.

I almost started crying during the toast when Ann talked about how much her sister meant to her over the past year and how much she had helped her. I thought about all of the people who have helped me over the past year and how they don't know that they helped me and how I can't really tell them. It made me sad. I wanted to tell Ann how much it meant to me that she would go to all the trouble to drag me to Thanksgiving. Or to tell Heather how much I love her and how I cried and cried when I read her comment to my "Unhappy Thanksgiving" post. Or how I miss my brother even though I talk to him all the time, because I haven't seen him since February. How I miss walking with Claire and all of the conversations we had over miles and miles of walking. How Jodie is supportive no matter what I tell her I am doing. How touched I am that Pam wants to present me with my token on my anniversary. How much Patricia's card meant to me - and that I carried it in my purse for weeks. I could go on and on - all of these things that I can't tell people. How amazed I am, that people I don't even know show up again and again. These people, these almost strangers, they show up for each other no matter what. They are like angels everywhere.