Unhappy Thanksgiving

The holidays have always been a particularly bad time for me. I don't know how old I was when I first realized that my family does not deal with holidays in a normal way. It isn't a time of fun and sharing and togetherness. It has always seemed like a chore, so why bother participating. Why do these people who outwardly seem to hate each other, want to buy gifts for each other anyway? You might say that it isn't about the gifts, it's about being together. But not in this family. I have always complained about how terrible it is and how badly it makes me feel, but what's the alternative? I have almost always participated anyway because otherwise I have no where to go and no one to spend the holidays with. I always thought it was better to have a crappy family than none at all. Only recently have I realized that it is ever so slightly less painful, to just stay home alone. Two years ago, I actually spent Christmas Day alone because I didn't have anywhere to go. I sat all day in front of the t.v. and ate spaghetti for dinner. This Thanksgiving, I will do the same thing. Maybe I'll eat frozen pizza instead.

It all started when I was a kid and a certain part of the family stopped attending holidays and birthdays if they were at my parent's house. Confusing to a little kid- why does the whole family go to her birthday and no one comes to mine? Eventually, we stopped attending theirs because my mother was made to feel so unwelcome that there just wasn't any point. It was obvious that we weren't wanted there. Finally, when my brother was old enough to drive, we started participating again, although I never felt welcome and I still don't today. Eventually, once I was an adult, my parents divorced, my dad re-inserted himself into the family, cockeyed I think, and the same old traditions of judgment, lack of acceptance, exclusion and just being down right mean fester. There is usually a lot of talking behind the backs of other people, some are invited while others aren't, certain people only show up if the holiday is at a certain person's house, people are picked on, jokes are made. Some people I am sure leave feeling just satisfied with themselves and their behavior. I leave feeling disgusted, sad and hurt. That is what transpires on my dad's side of the family. My mom's is a different story - equally sad.

I have decided, finally, not to participate anymore. This year I have used the excuse that I can't leave Chicago because I have to be at the hospital for radiation on Wed. and Fri. But the truth is, I could have worked around that. I could have rescheduled. But it's the perfect excuse to not have to go participate in the horror that is my "family" on a holiday. People will say, "don't you have friends you can spend the holiday with?" Yes, I do - if I am willing to admit that I have no where to go, and someone else feels just sorry enough for me that they invite me to tag along to their family dinner. Then I can sit there in some other mother's or grandmother's house and watch their family and wish that I had one. I don't want to be that person, who sits at the stranger's dinner table and makes up a story about why I don't have anywhere to go. One that is less sad than the truth, and something that sounds reasonable. I don't think I have it in me this year. I would rather stay home than be the person who is there because someone felt sorry for me. All of the pieces of my family have places to be and people to be with, except me. All I wanted was to go to Germany and spend Thanksgiving with my brother and sister-in-law. Instead I'm going to sit here alone and think about how much fun they are having in Germany. How nice it must be to have family you like and people to be with. They are my family and I am really just sad and angry that I don't get to be there.