The most difficult part of surviving breast cancer has been the risk to my fertility. It is one thing when you choose not to have children. It is something completely different when you have the choice taken from you. Not only taken from you, but taken from you in a whirlwind of decision making and fear. The most anger that I felt when the shock wore off was over the potential loss of my fertility. I felt angry that I had accomplished just about everything else I had set out to do in my life and the one thing that I really felt I still wanted and that I really felt was important to me, was taken, unfairly. I struggled through wondering how I would live the rest of my life with that and not knowing whether I could or whether I could find purpose and meaning in my life. The birth of my nephew was bitter sweet. I struggle constantly with why I can't just be happy. Why isn't it enough too just be alive?
I've been waiting since September to know whether my fertility would come back. I am not the most patient person. Actually, I am not patient at all. I've prayed a lot, not for my fertility, but for God's will. Only once have I asked for my fertility. Instead, I say, "thy will, not mine, be done." I've done a lot of reading lately on how to attain conscious contact with God - and I remind myself constantly, that God can do anything and that God will help you do anything he asks you to do. When I say the serenity prayer, I say, God, grant me the serenity, to accept the things I cannot change, my fertility, the courage to change the things I can, my attitude, and the wisdom to know the difference. I pray for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry that out and I pray for knowledge of the purpose of my life that is independent of me.
Christmas was hard. I love my nephew in a way I can't describe, but the pain cut almost as deeply. I fluctuate between gratitude for everything that I do have and sadness and anger over the things that I don't have. But I have been striving for acceptance. One of my friends reminded me recently that God doesn't save you only to let you drown. And I try to remember that when I don't get what I want, when things don't work out the way I want them to - they usually work out better. Even if what I get turns out to be completely different than what I hoped for, I have to have faith that the outcome will be greater than I can even imagine.
I've thought a lot lately about what else to do with my life or how to find meaning or how to help someone else. I've thought a lot about what the point might be and I believe that there is one - a point to my life that is beyond me because God saved me twice in one year and gave me this incredible story to tell. I started a college fund for my nephew for Christmas, knowing that if I never have my own children, or maybe even if I do, I will be able to pay for my brother's to go to college - I hope.
Today I was making my bed, thinking about powerlessness, thinking about acceptance. Thinking about the process of achieving it and the negotiation phase of the process. There was a time at the beginning of this when I thought I would not choose my life. If given the option, I would not give up my fertility in exchange for my life. I thought about the things that I am really grateful for today - and that is simply my life - that I get to live and live from the perspective of someone who almost didn't get to - that because of that perspective, I can live with a greater appreciation of what ultimately matters. When I thought about it today, I thought, I would choose to live, if given the option. A few hours later, God blessed me again with my fertility.
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