Nothing like a little boredom to get you posting again

Hi folks. Still here. I don't know why but I don't post lately. I have no reason, I just don't post. I have time, I just don't do it. I know you check, and I don't post. So, this is me making an effort to return to posting. I am going to post every day for a week. I swear. And then we will see where it goes from there.

So for starters, an update to bring you up to speed:

Work has finally slowed down. It hasn't come to a grinding halt, but it's painfully slow. Hence, I am posting. We all wondered if the economy was going to hit our practice area (which is privacy by the way, in case I never mentioned it, I'm a privacy lawyer) and I can say yes, indeed, it has, finally. It took a while. We were busy until Thanksgiving and that's when the slow down hit. It's the what, 13th of the month and I've billed 26 hours. I usually bill that in 3 days. Oh well. It means I won't hit my hours this year and hopefully that's okay, because no one else will either. The other privacy associate is going on maternity leave again so I feel pretty secure in my job, for now. And I am writing articles and doing other stuff to look productive, cause it's all about appearances after all.

For the first time in the almost 3 years since I've been at my current job, I am considering what it would be like to leave. To say forget it, making partner isn't what I want. I've liked this job so much that I never thought I would leave it. But ever since coming back from my leave, something isn't the same. I think it is that my perspective on what matters has changed. It just isn't what I am excited about anymore. Honestly, I am not that excited about anything these days - but my job is most definitely not on the list. I am at this jumping off point at work though where I either go for it, or I say forget it. Granted I have a while to make a decision, but I am either taking steps in the direction of making partner or I am taking steps towards leaving. Cause that's my option if I say here.

I am planning another trip to Miraval spa, the most amazing place on earth. Well, at least I think so. I am going in early June before my colleague goes on leave and I can't wait. I am already fantasizing about spa treatments. Oooooohhhhhh.

I have a mammogram on February 3rd and I am already stressed about it. I hate these appointments. The days of my life leading up to them are ruined by the fear and anxiety that they cause me. They are torture. The last time they thought they saw something in each breast, took more films, still saw it, did an ultrasound, couldn't find it, decided there was nothing there. It's horrible. I can't even describe what it is like sitting there waiting for the technician to come tell you that they see something. It's just beyond description. On the up side, it will be three years in May since my diagnosis and my doctor says it is most likely to come back within 2 years of diagnosis. Do you know that almost 3 years later, I still cannot believe this has happened to me. When I think about it, it still feels like it has destroyed my life. Ugh. Anyway, the other good thing I suppose, according to my doctor, is that I had a triple negative tumor which she says means it is least likely to come back (however, it is also the most dangerous). Does any of the information help or anything my doctor tells me about recurrence? Not really. It is still just as horrible. I want so badly to enjoy the next two and a half weeks of my life because what if the rug is yanked out from underneath me again? I will have regretted wasting it. Don't waste a second of your life being miserable people - trust me, it's short. Anyway, as you can see - none of this has gotten easier.

As far as being on medication goes, I have stuck with that despite not wanting to on a regular occasion and I have to say that finally, I am pretty much convinced that it is really working. I used to wake up every day like it was the greatest day ever, like anything was possible, super happy and motivated, loving everything about my life, and I would go to bed devastated not sure I could live it anymore. Well I no longer do that. I just wake up and it's another day and it's not perfect but it's not horrible and I go to bed and it feels the same, not perfect, not horrible, but doable, even kind of okay sometimes. But I have to be honest that I toy with it sometimes. I miss that extreme high, that extreme happiness on top of the world feeling. Sometimes I want it and I stick my toe in the water, it's just that if I get that way, then the opposite is inevitable. And the thing is, the low just got too low. The low got so low that I didn't know how or whether I could climb out again, after climbing out so many times before, day after day. Anyway, everything is different now that I am on meds and for the most part I would say it's a good thing. More on that later - that's enough for now...