Sometimes I am just plugging along, working on what I am working on (these days only boring non-billable things it seems) and then it hits me. I had breast cancer. Cause see I try to forget. In between forgetting, I try to make some kind of peace with it. I try, and I fail.
I have a follow-up appointment next Tuesday, a mammogram. They never go well. They always think they find something and have to take more pictures, do other tests, torture me for roughly 3-4 hours before they determine that everything is fine. And believe me, it is torture. Sitting and waiting, watching the seconds tick by, waiting for the door to open - is a kind of hell I can't describe.
The past three days I have been so overwhelmed with anxiety that I can barely function. I have a few good hours a day and the rest is a waste. The only thing making the days bearable is taking drugs for anxiety. It's pretty much the only thing on my mind right now. I was fine all day and then all of a sudden, it just crept into my awareness. It sucks how it ruins the days leading up to the appointment. I try, desperately, to not have this happen and I fail every time. I lose days, sometimes weeks to the fear surrounding these appointments.
Anyway, if you feel like it, pray that everything goes okay next Tuesday.
2 comments:
You will be okay.
Just repeat that like a million times until it gets burned in your brain.
And if that doesn't work, go shopping.
thinking of you tomorrow!
Hugs!
Post a Comment