A post without a title

 So I am in Vermont for Thanksgiving visiting my brother and his family.  My dad came out here also from Michigan.  For the longest time I saw my dad as the same.  Most of my adulthood he seemed to be unchanging.  This visit, for some reason, is the first time I have seen him as getting older.  I guess I just didn't notice it until now.  It's like not noticing yourself getting older and feeling the same from year to year and then one day you just notice it happening.  I don't see my dad that often so maybe it is not surprising that I would notice the differences.  Anyway, it is bothering me for some reason.

It just makes me think of all the years that have gone by and all the things that have happened, good and bad.  No, I am not old, but a lot of time has passed f you think about it.  My life is not the way I ever imagined it would be.  And no, it isn't better than the life I imagined for myself.  I can't say it is worse because I don't know the difference.  What do I have to compare it to really?  I've been told that you shouldn't compare your life and your feeliings to the external circumstances of another person's life because you don't actually know what their real experience is.  I get that.  People do that to me all the time and say what a great life I have because look at my job etc.  If only they knew what the inside feels like.

The point is, my life, it's not what I wanted.  Is anyone's?  I am not at the place that I wanted to be at this particular moment in my life.  It doesn't look the way I thought it would look and I have only one of the things that I had wanted out of my life and I don't even want it anymore.  I would trade that one thing in for everything that I am missing.  Even if the things that I once thought I wanted were to happen to me, the possibility of the life I thought I wanted is gone.  It's simply an impossibility.  You might wonder whether what I wanted out of my life has changed over the past 10 years, and I can tell you that it hasn't.  Hardly at all really.  The time that you lose - you don't get that back. 

I can't figure out how I got here, right here, to this particular moment, and where I went so terribly wrong.